Penny Drive!!!

Well...as you can see by our new thermometer to the right of this blog, we have an official goal set, and a very long way to go!!! We hope you will bear with us as we think of anything and everything we can to reach our goal. We will be keeping you all updated on the specific amounts raised and where exactly each penny goes during the long adoption process. We have set up a separate savings account for the adoption which goes untouched until we start incurring costs through the agency.  We have set the goal of $20,000 (kind of makes your heart stop for a second doesn't it?) because that is the estimate the adoption agency gave us based on the information we have so far. We will be able to get a more specific goal further along into the process, but that's where we are setting the bar right now!

We have lots of ideas for creative fundraisers, and Josh and I are also working hard to add to the fund ourselves. Josh's coaching paychecks will be going straight into our adoption fund this year, as well as my extra days at work and other odd jobs I pick up (I already have a cleaning job lined up this week at a yoga studio, thanks Nicole!). We are overwhelmed at the amount needed to bring a little one home to love, but we are completely giving it over to God and trusting that He will provide.

We are so thankful for your prayers during this time and we hope you will watch our progress and rejoice with us as we get closer and closer to our goal!!!

Now to the fun part...we are so excited to announce our very first Adoption Fundraiser!!! 

Penny Drive!!!

Beginning this week we will be passing out baby bottles tagged with our blog address and a verse. We are asking that people fill the bottles with loose change from their car, pockets, under the couch cusions, and children's piggy banks (just kidding on that last one...;))!

We will be collecting the bottles on November 10th, my birthday and Lily's due date. We chose this date because it is going to be a very hard day for our family, and we want something fun to look forward to! It will be very exciting to get to add to our adoption fund on that day!

I will be carrying baby bottles on me pretty much at all times, so if you would like one please let me know when you see me, or email or message me and we can arrange to meet up somewhere! You can obviously just save your loose change in another container and we will collect it in any form on November 10th, but if you want a baby bottle let me know!!!

We will be awarding a special prize to whoever collects the greatest amount in change by November 10th!

Again, Josh, J*, E*, and I want to tell everyone how very much we appreciate your prayers and support. We know we are loved, and we appreciate everything our friends and family have done for us over the years. Nothing goes unnoticed or unappreciated!

The next time you see me, ask for an Adoption Fund Baby Bottle!

If you are supporting us in prayer, we are asking that God totally bless us in this fundraiser! We are asking that we get assigned a case worker through Christian Family Care this week, and that they will be very nice! ;)

We are asking specifically that the Lord works even now in the hearts of our child's birth family, wherever they are! That He will merge our paths somehow and that we will be chosen to raise whatever child God has for us!

Thank you so much for your prayers and support of our family!!!

To my Five33 sisters...

I cannot even begin to express my heartfelt gratitude for the amazing day I had today and the ladies who are responsible for it!

In leiu of what would have been my baby shower for Lily, the girls in my young marrieds class (Five33) planned and put together a beautiful girls day for me and E*. They had an unbelievable spread of wonderful food and desserts, pedicures, make-up, and just a wonderful day with some pretty special ladies.

Together they also made the most beautiful box of letters to my babies in Heaven. It was touching and something I will treasure forever. I wish every woman who has had a loss could have the support and love that I do in these ladies. God really knew what He was doing when He placed us in this particular group at this particular time. I hope we can be the blessing to others as they have been to us!

Today I felt completely blessed and loved, and was blown away by their generosity and thoughtfulness. Thank you so much to everyone who took part in it, I love you ladies and am so thankful for each and every one of you!!!

I wish I had more pictures and I really wish we had taken a group shot, but here are a few from today! :)



Stefanie and Naomi, they did an amazing job!!!



E* and I had such a wonderful day!


My girl Becky B. I love this lady. :)


E* holding Andrew. She adores him and he loves her!!!

Today was supposed to be...

"Today was supposed to be..." That is something I say to myself a lot.

"Today was supposed to be...my 36th week."

"Today was supposed to be...my due date."

"Today was supposed to be...my baby shower."

As my google calendar mercilessly reminds me of what was supposed to be, I wince and curse technology for being unaware of what's really going on. Yes, today was supposed to be...but today wasn't.

It is not an easy thing to accept, when your plans completely derail and you are forced into a direction you not only never wanted to go, you have no idea how you'll survive it.

One year ago, I was mourning the loss of my first miscarriage. I was in a pit, but as I thought about where I would be a year from that moment, it certainly wasn't here. I was not even capable of imagining that I would have had not one, but two more losses under my belt, and Josh and I would be starting down the path to adoption.

That was definitely not on my google calendar.

Yet here I am. I can honestly say that pretty much nothing in my life has gone according to my plan, according to my calendar. I did not plan to be a mother of twins at age 22, and I did not plan to have my children in heaven outnumber my children on earth by age 27.

After my second loss I didn't even sign up for those "Your Pregnancy This Week" emails, because there is nothing like getting an email describing what your baby looks like today when you're driving home from the hospital empty-handed. Talk about a punch in the gut.

If nothing else, I have learned to not plan. To make sure I do not put anything on the calendar too far in advance lest something "happens" and I am then reminded of what didn't happen when the day actually comes. This might sound pessimistic, but I think it is more realistic. Things rarely go exactly as we plan. And if they always have for you...I think you might be in for a rude awakening someday. Life is unpredictable.

But God isn't. He is the same. Yesterday, today, and tomorrow. He is. And if anyone on earth needs one thing in her life to be unchangeable, I do. The roads in my life are going to continue turning unexpectedly, I have learned that much over the years!

And every time the road turns unexpectedly, I have a choice. I can dig my heels in and refuse to walk another step, or I can continue. I can continue kicking and screaming, or I can continue in faith.

I have done all of the above over the course of my life, believe me. But by far the most painless was choosing to trust the Lord's heart, His promises to prosper me and not to harm me, and to just keep going. A friend recently wrote in a card to me, "You may have questioned His plan, but you've never questioned His Sovereignty."

Well put. I question His plan all the time. Daily. Hourly even. But I know, I know, He is in control, and He loves me. I am not going to spiral off beyond His sight or care. I am always in the palm of His hand, no matter what my circumstance. No matter how I'm choosing to react in that moment. Whether I am praising Him at the top of my lungs in the car or curled up in the fetal position on my bed, sobbing and asking God "Why" over and over. I know no matter how great or how little my faith is, He hasn't gone anywhere, He is the same. That is comforting.

It gets easier, having your plans changed for you. You learn not hold so tightly to them that your knuckles turn white. You learn to plan, but with the internal disclaimer that things might change. The unwanted experience of having the rug pulled out from under you teaches you not to stand so firmly on rugs that fly. I have learned the only thing stable enough to put my faith in is the Lord. He will not change, ever. And though my circumstances change, His love for me will not.

So I have one plan now...to glorify Him in my choices, in my life. To let God show Himself to others through me and my walk. I fail miserably at times...a lot of times....most of the time...but when that is my only real goal, to glorify Him in all that I do, the actual circumstances in my life can change all the time and not matter so much, as long as that one desire remains the same.

I have no idea where I will be a year from now or what my life will look like. But I know one thing for sure, I will still be right in the palm of God's hand. No matter my circumstances, my attitude, or my faith. And it feels good to confidently put one thing in my calendar.

2 Timothy 2:13
"If we are faithless,
   he remains faithful..."

Hebrews 13:8
"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever."

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Numbers 23:19
"God is not human, that he should lie,
   not a human being, that he should change his mind.
Does he speak and then not act?
   Does he promise and not fulfill?"

What's With the Donate Tab???

Some of you very observant folks may have noticed the new "Donate" tab to the right of the blog. It's new! Isn't it nice? ;)

As Josh and I learn more and more about the process of adoption, we realize what a major obstacle the cost is. As we get further along into the process, we will be more specific with our fundraising goals, but for now let's just say we have a loooong way to go!!! We are confident that the Lord will totally provide what is necessary to bring our child home, but we are also realistic in the fact that we can't do it alone.

I have heard people say before, "If you can't afford to adopt, you shouldn't do it." And if that is your particular train of thought, let me respond with this: Adoption is not the responsibility of the rich, it is the responsibility of the church. We are told in the Bible;

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."
-James 1:27

 Before Josh and I felt called to adopt ourselves, there were plenty of opportunities to "look after orphans" in other ways, whether it be sponsoring a child in Africa or donating to someone's adoption fund. It is very surreal to be the ones actually looking to adopt one of those orphans ourselves!!!

While Josh and I may be in the position to bring a child into our home and care for him or her properly, we do not have the $20,000 in cash (and that's a domestic adoption!) that adoption requires in this country.

We have a LOT of creative ideas to raise money for this adoption, and we know our family and friends will do everything they can to support us, even if it is just in prayer! I am so excited to see how God provides, but am totally prepared to work very hard the next few months!

So, to summarize, the Donate tab you now see to the right of your screen is there because we are accepting donations to fund the adoption of a child. We hope you stay tuned to see how we get creative in raising money to bring this little one home! And spread the word about our blog, we have been amazed at the connections we've made already!

Thank you so much for your support and love during this faith walk!!!

How many kids do you have?

It is a question I used to love. When people would ask me, I would smile and say something like "Two! I have twins!" Then I would enjoy the inevitable "Noooo! You do? You look far too young and beautiful to have twins!"

Okay I edited that last sentence a tad.

Then I would find a picture I just happened to have hooked to my badge or saved in my phone, and inwardly squeel with pride as they "awww"ed, and "Oh my gosh so cuuuute"ed over my beautiful children. It's one of God's rewards to mommies, being able to brag about their children. I imagine God Himself does some pretty serious bragging now and then. "Yeah, that's my Son, Jesus. He's perfect. No literally, He's perfect. Prince of Peace. Savior of all humanity. Your son is an honor student? My son walks on water."

Bragging about my babies is one of my very favorite things. Answering that question always made me feel good.

It still does, but now it is tinged with a sting of sadness. I remember the first time someone asked me how many children I had right after we buried Lily. It was my first day back at work and a well meaning mom of one of my patients had spotted the pictures of J* and E* I keep on my badge. "Ohhh are those your kids? How many do you have?"

I literally froze. I was in the process of saying, "Two" when a horrible feeling of guilt hit me. How could I say two? Hadn't I just given birth two weeks earlier to a beautiful baby girl? Hadn't I named her and signed her birth certificate and kissed her little feet? Hadn't I attended her funeral, watched my husband carry her tiny handmade casket across the cemetary and watch them lower it into the ground?

How could I pretend none of it had happened? How could I say I had only two children? What kind of mother would I be?

On the other hand, I knew what this woman was asking. She was not trying to open up a big fat can of crazy worms and hear my life story, she was simply making small talk. But I was completely frozen.  I did not know what to say! If I said three, she would ask how old they were. I had been asked that question enough times to know the follow up. Before Lily, it always went something like "Oh, they're six months!" And the other person would marvel at how I was even dressed and put together with two tiny babies (okay that rarely happened, it was more like a look of sympathy while they internally said "Ahhh, that explains a lot").

Or, as they grew, my answer changed to "Oh, they're two," And then we'd make small talk on how easily they potty trained or if they still had a binky. Or maybe I would say, "Oh, they just turned four," and we would then go on to discuss preschools and if I was ready for them to go to kindergarten (No, I was not).

But now I was unprepared. How would the conversation turn if I said I had three children and she then asked me how old they were? Would I say, "My oldest are five and my baby girl died two weeks ago"? How horrible! I already felt sorry for this woman who was inadvertently stepping into a big smelly pile of awkward. And was I prepared to go into detail on my baby girl's passing with a total stranger who was merely trying to be polite?

And what if I just decided to spare her feelings? To avoid the inevitable awkward conversation and her feeling like a total jerk. What if I just said, "Two. I have two children." And then what if I immediately burst into tears because that's a horribly rotten thing to say when I was still grieving the baby I had grown under my heart only weeks before?

And what if, God forbid, Lily heard me? Now, I am a Christian, and I believe that when people die, they are gone, either in Heaven or Hell, and they do not "watch over us" or come back as gaurdian angels or have anything at all to do with this earthly life. They are (if they are go to Heaven, which I believe all children do when they die, unborn or not) in a place of perfect peace and joy, and how could that be true if they were allowed to "watch" what is happening on earth?

I cannot reconcile my child's completely painless and joyful Heavenly existence with them having to watch their mother fall to pieces over their passing. I just don't believe Jesus lets them watch a magic TV set with a channel for each of the people that loved them on earth. They have better things to do, and I'm glad Lily won't see me again until I am whole and perfect and running to her with utter joy in my eyes as I scoop her up and twirl her and hold her and not put her down for a hundred years. I don't want her to see me like this, and I know she can't.

But this unreasonable fear kept haunting me. What if she heard me say I only have two children? How would that make her feel? Would she think she didn't count? That she wasn't loved? That she didn't matter to us just as much as her brother and sister?

Again, unreasonable thoughts I know, but this is the internal struggle I have now whenever that question is asked. There is a whole other layer of ridiculous when you consider I've also had two miscarriages, and I believe those were two children that I will see again one day. So where do they fit into that question?

So that first day back at work, I was simply too unprepared and emotional to answer that question honestly. So I said "Two." And I talked with her about how they were starting kindergarten, and then I excused myself, and I went to the bathroom and sobbed my eyes out. I remember apologizing to Lily over and over, telling God to give her a kiss and tell her that mommy loves her, and I miss her, and I was so sorry I left her out.

I've been asked that question many times since, and each time I've answered it the same. "Two." And then I would be immediately hit with guilt and sadness and regret.

Then one day I asked another mother that question. Her answer touched me. She said, "One here, and one in Heaven." So simple. The world didn't suddenly end and she didn't break down and start crying. It was just matter of fact. I smiled to myself and told her that I had one in Heaven too. We went on to have a beautiful conversation about the children we've watched grow up, as well as the children who are waiting for us in Heaven.

So I asked myself, "Why am I trying so hard to spare everyone's feelings?" That woman didn't make me feel the slightest bit uncomfortable with her answer, and if she had, that's my problem to deal with, not hers. I think burying a child really puts the meaning of "uncomfortable" into perspective. Who cares if they don't know what to say? Maybe if people talked a bit more openly about these "uncomfortable" matters, it wouldn't feel so uncomfortable to do so.

So I tried it. I was working one day and one of the volunteers asked me how many children I had. I took a very deep breath (she probably thought I had so many I had to count them...), smiled, and said, "I have two here with me, and one in Heaven waiting for me."

She tilted her head and sadly smiled and told me she was sorry, but that I was so blessed because my children were beautiful. And I said I know, and we went on to have a very nice conversation. I even talked about Lily, and how she had the most beautiful little feet and perfect kissy lips. And it made me feel good. And no one broke down in tears or ran from the room screaming.

I know that there will be some women reading this who have had losses of their own. I want to encourage you to come to terms with not just your loss, but the fact that your child was here. They existed. You have a right to talk about them! You have a right to be a braggy mama! My Lily lived for 19 weeks and 3 days, and I will not pretend she didn't exist to save some shmuck from feeling uncomfortable. Because you know what? I think that uncomfortableness is mostly in our heads anyway.

The conversations that have begun because I opened up about Lily, the people who have also lost children who never would have said anything if I hadn't opened that door, the comfort I have found in talking to someone who's been there, who I never would have known had been there if I had said, "I have two children," I would have missed out on that. And I'm so glad I didn't.

I have two children here with me that I get to see and kiss and spoil and love every single day. I have one child who I got to meet, to hold, to fall in love with, to make memories with, to cherish and hide in my heart, but who I will not see again in this lifetime. And I have two babies who lived only for a breath. I don't know what they looked like or who there were. But I know they existed, and they forever changed their mama.

And I have a child out there who I haven't met yet, who maybe hasn't been born yet, who might not even be created yet! But I believe they're out there, and God will bring them home to me someday.

I am going to have my hands full in Heaven! This life is so short compared to eternity. It is but a blink of an eye! I can get through a blink of an eye if I have a promise of eternity with all of my children. That's one of God's promises, eternity. I will get to spend forever holding and kissing and playing with and loving all of my children! And that's pretty cool to think about.

Drumroll Please...

We have made a decision! After praying and discussing it, Josh and I have decided to apply to Christian Family Care Agency. We had a chance to look through the information they sent us this weekend, and I was blown away by how perfectly they seemed to fit our criteria.

CFCA is a Christ-centered agency and requires that the couples they place children with be born again Christians. We are asked to sign their very detailed statement of faith (which included a lot of wonderful Scripture), write out our testimonies as well as answer essay questions on what we want our children to understand about Christianity, send in a pastor's reference form, and be actively involved in a Christian church.

We were so impressed with all of that, plus the fact that they offer and require a series of classes on adoption, charge their fees on a sliding scale based on your income, and seem to really care about and take care of their birth mothers. We felt completely drawn to this agency and felt like they perfectly fit what we were hoping for in an adoption agency.

What's even cooler is after Josh and I decided to go with CFCA, a person I don't even know who found my blog through another adoptive mom commented on my post and recommended CFCA as that is the agency they are working with right now! I browsed through her blog, as well as another I found who is going through this agency as well, and both families are strong believers and are much further along in the proocess than we are so will be a wonderful resource as we move ahead!

Josh and I have also decided to pursue a domestic adoption, which I will explain more on later, but basically it is an adoption of an infant that has been surrendered by their birth mother. I want to emphasize that this is the direction we feel led in at this time, but we are completely open to whatever God has in store and know He might lead us somewhere else as we continue on this path!

We finished our initial application this evening and will be sending it to CFCA tomorrow! Things are definitely happening fast, but I will not get used to that because one thing I know for sure is that adoption is a huge lesson in patience and waiting on the Lord. We have waited this long, and we are ready and willing to wait some more. :)

We now just wait for them to review our application and give us a call. I don't know what will happen from here, but I definitely find myself very self conscience already about what they will think of our application and if we will be "good enough". But I am handing it over to Jesus and asking Him to close this door if it isn't right, and I know He would!

If we did get approved, we would meet with someone from the agency and then if we decided to go forward, we would start our classes and begin the very long and involved process of a home study. We would also get serious on raising money to fund our adoption! (Who am I kidding, I've been writing down ideas since we made this decision!) I won't go into detail yet on what it is going to cost us to bring our baby home, but wow God is really going to get the chance to show His provision! It is overwhelming to even think about, but I have complete peace that if this is the road He chooses for us, He will no doubt provide a way for us to walk it!

If you are praying for us, we are asking that God continue to light the next step in this process and give us peace about each decision if it is right. We are asking that He will close the doors that are not right and give us patience as we figure all this out. If we are approved by CFCA we are praying specifically for a kind social worker and for God to provide the funds for our required adoption classes and our home study, which will be about $1700 up front.

Thank you so much for your prayers and support as we try to be obedient in our call to adopt!

Choices choices...

I'm a researcher. I love looking into every detail of every thing and finding out all I possibly can about something or someone. This is probably why I love facebook and am unhealthally (I don't think that's a word but it fits) addicted to Pinterest. A site devoted to looking up awesome stuff and saving it for future reference? Sign me up! Google is my best friend. When an issue comes up...I google it!

Google has answers for everything. Best BBQ place within five miles? GOOGLE! How many weight watchers points are in a Buffalo Chicken Salad from Chili's? GOOGLE! Jake has an odd pain in his left leg? Forget that my sister is a pediatrician, GOOGLE!

The awesome thing about Google is you get a million different answers in less than three seconds. You have instant direction, no waiting involved.

The bad thing about Google (if you're really looking for something...) is that it can be seriously overwhelming and when out of control, can take the place of prayer. Go with me for a minute.

Maybe I'm the only one, but when a big situation comes up (as in...I don't know...adoption) I tend to go straight to the internet. Give me all the information I can get so I can make an informed decision. To a point, I think this is smart. To a point. But there comes a time when you need to put the mouse down and pray.

Case in point: Josh and I are trying to make some serious decisions here. So we've decided to adopt, now what? There are a million types of adoption and a million different adoption agencies and all kinds of children from all parts of the world with all different backgrounds. How in the world are we supposed to know what the next step is?

So I did what I always do, I researched. Josh and I researched fost/adopt. We attended an orientation as I mentioned earlier and just did not feel comfortable with that situation. One option down, eight bazillion to go.

I started with researching international adoptions. I learned that different countries have different restrictions. So I researched the countries themselves. China was first on my list, as my cousin has adopted two from there and she was very happy with the process and her particular agency.

Turns out China requires parents to be at least 30 years old to apply, among other things (I feel it is my duty to let you know that China requires adoptive couples to have a BMI of under 40. Just a little interesting factoid.)

So since Josh and I are only 28, that ruled out about 3 million children and a few dozen adoption agencies.

Onto other countries. I eliminated them one by one based on required travel time (some countries require two visits of at least 2 weeks each, not a viable option when you have two children at home), cost of travel and stay, requirements by specific countries, etc.

The one country that stuck out to me was Korea South. They only require their couples be 25 years old, and the weight restriction is that you must not be over 30% above "average" weight. Phew. Just squeeked by! ;) The other cool thing was that unlike most other countries, Korea does not require you to travel to their country to pick up your child, they could be escorted to the States. I do think it would be really important for me to go visit the country our child is born in and see the sights and take pictures and spend some time there, but Korea does not require that both parents go, therefore at least one of us could stay with J* and E*. (And I have a sister who I know would travel with me!)

So if we chose international adoption, I believe I had narrowed it down to one country based on a variety of factors. But that was only if we chose international adoption. How would we know if that was where God was leading us? And even if He was, how do you then pick an agency? How do you pick a social worker to do your homestudy? Google was not helping me now.

So I researched private adoption. Agency adoption. Open adoption. Closed adoption. DES Adoption. Fost/Adopt. Like I said, the options are endless.

I threw down my phone with frustration and just closed my eyes. I told the Lord, "I have no idea what I'm doing. I cannot be trusted with such a big decision!"

I talked to Josh and tried to explain to him the ridiculous variety of choices we had and how very overwhelming it was. Josh, being Josh, did not seem the least bit shaken and very casually said something very casual that I don't even remember because it was of no particular help to me.

So I had a minor meltdown. I vented to Josh about how huge a decision this was and how I needed him to be completely on board yada yada yada. Basically, the minor meltdown ended with me realizing that maybe Josh wasn't overwhelmed because he wasn't overwhelming himself with information. So I decided to take a step back, put the mouse down, and just breathe.

I realized I had been spending more time googling than praying, and that is not a balance I want out of whack. I want to feel confident in the direction we are going because I know I am on the same page as the Lord and talking to Him on a regular basis.

I have done my homework. I know the options that are out there. I've inquired with different agencies. We feel like the next step is to just wait, and pray that God will open a door or light the next step.

Our goal is to bring a child into our lives and love them and give them a family and a home and a chance, to raise them up to love the Lord and to make sure they never for one day feel alone or unsupported or unloved. We want to work with an agency who is Christ-centered and has a mission statement we believe in, who takes care of their children and/or birth families, and who will support us and help us through this very daunting process.

So that is what we are praying for, and we will just have to be patient and see what doors God opens.

If you are praying for us, please pray specifically that God will show us the next step and we will feel total peace about taking it.

Until then, I am taking a bit of a Google break. ;)

Thank you again for your prayers and loving support! We are so thankful for them!

Givin' it to God!!!