Target Needs More Black Babies

The day after we got "The Call", Eisley and I couldn't hold out a moment longer. We simply had to go to Target!!! Every time we go (which is a lot, we are Targetaholics), we spend awhile browsing the baby section. We ooo and ahhh over all the cute and adorable items, and both of us daydream about dressing up our new baby in cute clothes and buckling them into that cute little car seat. We simply have a divine time, and this particular time was of course the best yet!

We wandered those baby aisles for quite a long time, Eisley comparing items and telling me how I could get the best bang for my buck (she is very shopper savvy). ;) Since we don't know yet if we are having a boy or a girl, we couldn't actually buy anything, but let me tell you it took all the will power in my body (and hers) not to clear the place out. Every five seconds Eisley would say, "Ohhhhhh mommy!!! Just turn your head and you will be absolutely amazed at the cuteness of this dress!!!" and "Oh. My. Gosh. These. Are. The. CUTEST. Shoes. I. Have. Ever. Seen." It was quite amusing, and it is a shopping trip I will never, ever forget, even though we didn't buy a single baby item. ;)

As promised, we hit the baby doll aisle in search of a new dolly for Eisley. I promised her that when we got the call about our baby, I would buy her a dolly that would look like our new baby so that she could "practice" and do everything side by side with me when the baby comes home. As you can probably deduce by the title of this blog post, the baby we have been matched with is African American! I cannot wait to kiss those soft brown cheeks, and I was pretty excited to find a sweet little brown baby doll for Eisley that she could care for and love until our baby arrives. She was even more excited than I was, and we couldn't wait to browse through the dolls and find just the right baby for her.

When we arrived to the baby doll aisle, however, we were pretty disappointed to find that the selection of black baby dolls was extremely slim. And by slim, I mean there was one. ONE. Seriously? How, in an aisle with more than two hundred baby dolls, can there only be one African American baby? I was kind of appalled. I was even more appalled that I had been in that same aisle about a zillion times over the course of my life and this was the first time I was noticing it. There were lots of Hispanic dolls, mostly white dolls, and a Baby Tiana from Princess and the Frog. And then one, very cute, little black baby that struck Eisley's fancy just fine. She took it off the shelf, asked me if she could buy it, and was happy as a clam. But I realized, right there in the baby doll aisle at Target, that I had just experienced my first "Huh." moment as the mother of an African American kiddo.

We have been preparing for the possibility of becoming a mixed race family since we started our adoption process months and months ago. I've done lots of reading and talking to other families, and of course just praying that God would prepare our hearts for that. It seems He has decided to change the very face of our family by possibly adding a baby of a different race to it, and we could not be more excited about it! But I have to say, I am also nervous! I don't know how to raise a baby of a different race! What if I don't do it right? What if I can't figure out how to do my little girl's hair? What if I don't respond to every quizzical look the right way? Will I deal with the bigger "race issues" correctly? What if my sweet little girl is sad that there is only one baby doll in all of Target that looks like her?

I asked Eisley how she thought it would make her little sister feel if she only saw one black baby doll in all of those dolls. She said, "She will feel unique." I asked her if she thought it would make her sad, and she said, "No, it will make her feel special that all the black baby dolls have already been boughten."

:)

I hope so. And I hope that before that time, I am able to find a store that has a more diverse selection of baby dolls for our little one to choose from. But I learned an important lesson that day, and it is that I have to start being more aware of things like this. I have never had to before, I have always been in the majority. The majority has no need to notice things like the color of baby dolls. But we aren't in the majority anymore. We are becoming a multi-racial family! I have never had to be concerned over the color of Eisley's baby dolls, because she doesn't "need" a baby doll that looks like her. She is surrounded by people that look like her. Her mommy looks like her, her brother looks like her, her aunts and uncles and every single one of her classmates have the same skin, hair, and eyes that she does. She doesn't care what color her dolls are, but what if she was the only white person in her family? Might she take some small comfort in having a baby doll with the same skin color as her? I don't know. I do think that there is an unspoken security in being surrounded by people who look like you. And I think I'm going to have to start seeing the world through my child's eyes. And when I stood in that aisle at Target and looked at aaaaaall those babies and saw only one with dark skin, I wondered how that might make my child feel if he or she is already the only one in his entire family that has dark skin. Maybe Eisley is right, and it will make her feel unique. I just don't want it to make her feel alone.

I will be just as mama bear over our newest little one as I am with Jake and Eisley. I am looking out for my child now, and I will do that to the very best of my ability. Even if it means writing a letter to Target asking them to please add to their dolly selection. Because I really like shopping there, and I don't want to have to stop.

The Call (Part 2)

First of all, Josh and I want to thank everyone so much for your excitement and support!!! We have had so much fun reading all of the encouraging texts and messages on Facebook and the blog regarding the match. We are very excited too and love sharing in the joy with everyone! I wanted to write more about the hours following the call, mostly for my own benefit for down the road when the details become blurry. :)

After I got off the phone with the adoption agency, I went back into the movie theater. The kids both asked me (a little too loudly) why I had been gone for so long. "Were you in the potty that whole time!?!" Eisley asked.  Josh just looked at me and I could tell he knew something was up. I leaned over and said, "It was the adoption agency. We got picked by a birth mom." Josh raised his eyebrows and smiled and said, "Really?" I started to tell him some details, but realized it just wasn't gonna work in a dark, quiet movie theater with kids shushing us all around. ;) I told him we'd talk after the movie, and of course I have no recollection of how that movie ended!

We couldn't even make it out to the car without all three of them asking me a million questions, so right there while we walked to our car in the blazing parking lot of a movie theater, I told everyone that we got the call! We had been picked and the baby is due to come in 8 weeks or less! Jake smiled, Eisley said, "Yaaay!" and Josh said something to the effect of, "Cool dude." ;)

The whole way home I gave Josh details of the phone call. We have known for a few weeks that this potential birthmom was a possibility and we had been notified that we were being considered by her, so he knew the background of the situation since we have been praying for it for awhile. We discussed again the potential risks this baby was facing and how scary that was. We talked about how it was crazy that it was really happening. We smiled.

When we got home, we talked about who and how we should tell people. Only a handful (a very small handful) of people knew about this birthmom and had been praying for us, one of whom was my sister, so I knew I had to call her first (that, and I always call her first). I was so excited to tell her, but deep down in my heart and creeping around the back of my brain, I knew she would be the only person who would be realistically concerned over the scary possibilities this situation held. I called her and told her, "Well, we got the call, and we've been chosen by a birthmom!" She was thrilled and started to cry, and then I knew I had to tell her the rest. "Is this the same situation you've known about for awhile?" I took a deep breath and said, "Yes."

And it was quiet. For those of you who don't know, my sister is a pediatrician at a huge children's hospital here in town. I tell you that because she, just like me, has seen the worst case scenarios again and again. Once you have seen certain things, it is nearly impossible to be entirely optimistic about certain situations. I bit my lip as she very gently asked me if we were prepared to raise a child that "could potentially have major issues for the rest of its life" and if we truly felt at peace about that. She said absolutely nothing hurtful, she said it in the most gentle way she possibly could, and she spoke with love in her words, but right then, I lost it. I started bawling, unable to control the tears as they poured out of my heart. All of the fears, all of the possibilities of what could happen ran through my brain over and over. It was a very hard conversation. But it was one that I had to have. And it was one that I had again with Josh after I hung up with Lisa. And it was not easy at all.

If you are reading this blog, you know our history. You know that we are keenly aware of what can go wrong in a pregnancy. I no longer have the luxury of naivety. I lost that a long time ago, and even though this is not my pregnancy, this child is hopefully going to be my child, and I have those same anxieties that I did with all of the children I have carried myself. This particular pregnancy carries added risks, risks we aren't discussing with the general public, but risks that demand a lot of extra worry and prayer.

When Josh and I were approached with this situation a few weeks ago, we were asked if we would consider being presented to a potential birthmom with XYZ situations. We decided together that we weren't willing to flat out tell the Lord "No, we will not even consider the possibility that this is your will for us," so we agreed to be presented to her. We begun praying that day that the Lord would show us very clearly if this was His will, and if we were not the ones who were best fit to raise this child, that He would close the door firmly. And if we are being 100% completely honest here, I think we each hoped deep, deep down, that He would close that door. We were still holding out hope that we would get a call one day that a perfectly healthy infant with absolutely no issues or difficulties was born and ready to go home that day. ;)

Everyone wants the easiest, most carefree lives as possible. It's human nature! The unknown is so scary, but the unknown with the added risks we were facing was downright terrifying. And we had to accept that it is perfectly okay and normal to be scared! But it is not okay to disobey the Lord's obvious will for you just because of that fear. That is not an easy truth, and I can find a million different ways to excuse it and sugar coat that disobedience, but the fact is that if you know in your heart God wants something for you, and you ignore that, you are choosing a much harder path for yourself in the long run. And I can guarantee you are missing out on something amazing!

Josh and I both feel very strongly that God will equip us to handle any situation He gives us. We asked Him to make it clear to us where He wanted us, and so far He has been extremely clear! This incredibly brave mother chose us, and no matter what this situation might bring, we are committing to this child and are overjoyed that God is possibly choosing to bless our family with him or her! And after some tears and talking, my sister agreed completely. She is the best sister and auntie anyone could ask for, after all. :)

We decided we might as well share the good news, seeing as the baby is due in just a few weeks! Plus we had already told our kids, and six year olds are not best known for their secret keeping abilities. ;) Josh texted his sister and her husband (it was their wedding anniversary and we told them we got them a present!), I texted my brother, and called my parents. My mom was of course overjoyed, and I cannot tell you what a balm to my soul it was to hear her squeal with delight over her new grandbaby, even though she knew full well the whole situation. She was so encouraging, so happy, and after my conversation with her, I think that's when I really let myself get truly excited over this news. We were expecting a baby!

We planned to tell Josh's parents that evening, in person, as they were taking the kids for a couple hours so Josh and I could go out and celebrate our anniversary. At dinner that night, Josh and I discussed baby names (we have settled on a girl name, but are still tossing around boy names...sorry, they are a secret!!!). After dinner we went next door to Babies R Us and bought the baby a present, a little stuffed girraffe! Since we don't know if it is a boy or a girl (and probably won't until the birth), we had to find something neutral, and I just thought it was so cute!!!

We were seeing a movie (Men in Black III, for future reference) so we got settled in the theater but still had about 45 minutes before it started. What better opportunity than that to share the exciting news with my closest friends? ;) (I am realizing now how much of this monumental day has been centered around movie theaters and sequels...hmmm...) I texted a couple of my best friends and nearly killed my phone battery going back and forth with them over the news. If texts had a sound, these would have been LOUD!!! I could practically hear them squeeling even though they were miles away! :)

Josh had to practically rip my phone from my hands when the movie started, so I had to take a break from it and sit through an ENTIRE movie, which is not easy to do when you are so excited! ;)

Afterwards we went back to Josh's parents house to pick up the kids and give them their anniversary present (Yes, it was their anniversary too the next day! What is going on here!?!). That worked out nicely though because it gave us the perfect way to tell them. We wrote in their card that for their anniversary we got them a Pita Jungle gift card and a new grandbaby. ;) They didn't believe us at first, but when they did they were very excited!

So that ends our very exciting day. Later that night I wrote the last blog entry "The Call..." and that was how we announced it to the rest of our loved ones!

Today Eisley and I went to Target to scope out some baby gear. She was so excited and we just had the best time looking at things. We got the chance to talk together and I will have to do a whole individual post on that trip. ;)

Our family is obviously so excited over this new baby. He or she is actually growing as we speak, becoming who they are going to be forever! With our excitement, though, comes feelings I have a hard time describing. We have no control over what is happening to this baby, how they are being cared for, if they are okay or if they are going to be okay. It is really, really hard. We need your prayers more than ever for this child.

We are asking humbly that you guys be in serious prayers for this baby and his or her birthmom. Please pray for the baby's protection and health. Pray for birthmom's heart these next few weeks. Pray that both of them will get the care they need. Pray that this little one arrives safe and sound, and that God will prepare us for whatever lies ahead!

Thank you so much for your support of our family! We love you all very much!

Adoption Classes #5 and #6 and Updates

Well it has been a very busy few weeks, as it always is really, so I am just finding the time to get this post written! We have had two more classes on some really important topics so I just wanted to share a little bit about those with you in case you are interested.

Class #5 was on "Covenant and Commitment". This is in reference to the covenant we make with the birthmother of our child, as well as the commitments we are making to an open adoption. We discussed the differences between a "contract" and a "covenant" and how we would not be entering into a legally binding contract with this woman, but we would be making a covenant with her. Not something that could be legally enforced, but something in my opinion is a heck of a lot more serious.

When we are matched with a birth family, we decide together what level of involvement we are all comfortable with. How much contact will we have, how often will we send pics or videos, how often will there be visits with our child's birth mother and/or birth family? A covenant provides a general schedule for the birthmother to know when she can expect to hear about the baby's progress and when she can expect to see the baby again. It lets everyone know up front what the boundaries and expectations are. When all of this is agreed upon, we all sign a Covenant with each other. It isn't legally binding, as I said before, and can technically be revoked by either party if they choose, but it is something we are promising to one another, a commitment to the child, a covenant before God that we will not enter into lightly. Much like a marriage, we are committing to a relationship with this person for the rest of our lives, and setting our child up for the kind of relationship he or she will have with their birth family. We commit to a certain number of visits per year as well as the kind of contact we will have. Will there be frequent emails? Pictures? Texts? Phone calls? How often? Who is welcome at the visits? How far in advance do we need to plan them? What will they look like? How long will they last? These are just some of the things discussed in the covenant agreement.

I am very aware that the thought of having an open relationship with our child's birth mother and family seems really strange to some people. It is not something I ever would have pictured myself being open to, and Josh was even more leery of it going into this process. But we have learned a lot and have seen what that kind of healthy relationship actually looks like, and we understand that having at least some kind of relationship is what is best for the child mostly, but also everyone involved. We do not expect everyone to be at the same level of "okayness" with this as we are because we've had more time, more information, and more exposure to the idea of open adoption than most people. We know it will probably take everyone awhile to "catch up" to where we're at, and it might even take actually seeing what our family's relationship with our birth family looks like for our friends and family to "get it". That's okay! We are okay with being the pioneers here in our group of friends and family. We are hopeful that seeing what we've gone through and what God does with it all will possibly soften some other hearts out there towards adoption of some kind!

We talked in our class about what the role of a birth parent looks like in a healthy open adoption. It is similar to that of an aunt or uncle or cousin, their role is to love the child without assuming any of the parental responsibilities. They are the child's link to his or her genetic heritage. We talked about how many birth parents cannot be good parents at this time in their life, but they can be champion birth parents if given the opportunity.

We are thankful that our agency is always there and ready to help us if situations ever arise that we aren't completely sure how to handle. This will be very new to us and we are glad to have such great, experienced supporters that can help us figure out and nurture a great and healthy relationship with our child's birth family.

We discussed the possibility of the birth parents being unavailable, and how sometimes, despite our intentions and willingness and desire to have an open relationship with our child's birth mother and/or family, they just aren't able or willing to do that at this point. To be completely honest, when I entered into this process, that sounded like the "ideal" scenario to me. Cutting ties with the birth family and pursuing a closed adoptionseemed like the best idea and possibly the "easiest" for all involved. But I know Josh and I have come a looong way because the thought of that now makes me very sad. I truly want our little one to have a connection to his or her roots, to have some kind of relationship with his or her birth family, to know and understand the reasons behind their adoption, to know in their hearts that they were always loved and wanted, to be able to ask questions of their birth family that I can't answer. We are praying very hard for our child's birth mother and are hopeful we'll be able to have an open relationship with her.

Class #6 was called "Transracial and Special Needs Adoptions". We spent the first part of class discussing the effects of drugs, alcohol, and mental illness on children. Working at a children's hospital, none of it was really news to me, though I think Josh learned a lot. We talked about the possibility of adopting children who were exposed to a lot or a little drugs or alcohol in the womb. We discussed what special needs those babies might have either immediately or down the road or both. We again talked about our "Child Desired Form" and are all being asked to redo them after our classes to make sure we haven't had a change of heart towards certain scenarios.

Our instructor talked about how this is a really personal decision, and that we should really be in prayer about what we're open to. She said, "This isn't the time to be politically correct. You guys have to make a decision for your family and go into it with eyes wide open, knowing what your particularr family unit can handle and nourish and thrive in." She talked about how she knows it is extremely hard to fill that form out because you feel like a terrible person if you don't check every single box, and then if you don't check a box, you wonder why you don't check it and if that's really the right decision and what if I don't check it and my baby that's supposed to be "my" baby never comes home to me because I didn't check the box??? It is not an easy paper to fill out.

She told us how once we've filled out the paperwork, it doesn't mean it is set in stone. We can call up our case worker at any time and tell her we've changed our mind about a certain situation and would like her to change our form. God might open or close our hearts to certain things, and we are just trusting that He will get us comfortable with whatever He has in store!

We spent a lot of time discussing the topic of transracial adoption, and had some special guest speakers who adopted children of a different race than their own. It was a really interesting discussion and we feel like we both learned a lot about what that really looks like in day to day life, the issues that arise, the views people (strangers as well as friends and family) may have, and the things that are extremely important to consider if we are open to adopting a little one who isn't the same race as us. Just as an FYI, Josh and I are totally open to this, so we are doing our best to prepare our kids and family and selves for the possibilty of becoming a multi-racial family! We are aware that it completely changes the look and dynamic of our family, and we are praying that God will prepare us for all of that if He decides to bless us in that way.

This class was definitely a little scary. We are being asked to take a really good, hard look at the type of situation we are open to considering. Some of the scenarios are downright frightening, some of them are just different, completely different than what we've ever dealt with, and that is a bit scary too! We simply have to trust that God knows what child is perfectly made for our family, and know that He will bring us to each other and work everything out and equip us to handle whatever that brings.

One of the speakers talked about how the very things she was completely closed to and terrified of were the exact scenarios each of her adopted children had when they brought them home. God challenged her in ways she never wanted or planned on, but she wouldn't change a thing. There are definitely a lot of scenarios that terrify me, and ones I'd just rather not have to deal with, but I am really trying to trust that God will equip me to handle whatever He asks me to handle. He's done it before, and I'm sure He'll do it again.

When I was growing up I always heard people say, "Ohhh I hope I have twins someday! I've always wanted twins!" Not me! I never wanted twins and couldn't understand why people would. Hadn't they ever cared for a screaming infant? They want to double that? No thanks. I wanted to have my babies one at a time like God intended. ;) Lo and behold, my very first pregnancy, TWINS!!! And you know what? I was right. They were incredibly difficult just as I thought they would be, and during my pregnancy and those first few months with my infants every time someone told me how lucky I was to have "killed two birds with one stone" I wanted to stick a fork in their eye. But. But, oh my gosh the blessings. Worth every single ache and pain of a full term twin pregnancy, worth sleeping a total of three hours a week for six months, worth the craziness and the chaos and the giant double stroller only The Hulk could handle. Thank GOD He didn't listen to my whining! I absolutely adore, absolutely adore, having my twins. I am the luckiest mama alive and I am so glad God challenged me in that way!

I am confident God knows what we need, what we can handle, and who will be a perfect fit in our little family. We are open to what He's planning for us, as scary as that is, because over time we have learned that to say "No, absolutely not, God, not me!" is to basically dare Him to do it. ;) And things are a lot harder when you're completely unwilling to bend to His will.

So that sums up the last two classes, though we learn and cover far more than I have time or energy to put here. We only have ONE MORE CLASS left!!! Yippee!!! I can't believe how fast everything is going! I am still anxiously awaiting the arrival of our Match Letter in the mail. The company I created it with is refusing to send me the PDF of if, for copyright reasons apparently, so I have to wait to get it in the mail before I can make copies of it and send it to our agency. Boo! ;)

We have one last meeting with our caseworker on the 7th to go over our new "Child Desired Form" and hopefully, hopefully (please God!) hand in our Match Letter copies and fee. Our Raffle/Genghis Grill Fundraiser is less than a week away! We have sold over 230 tickets for the Raffle and are spreading the word like crazy to get people to come on out to the Genghis Grill at Arrowhead for lunch or dinner on Wednesday! Remember, you must have the flyer with you for us to receive the 20% of your ticket, so print one off here and don't forget to bring it! Every dollar counts, and if you will notice, our thermometer is slowly but surely creeeeping upwards with each ticket sold!

We have some AMAZING baskets to raffle off, and there is still time to get your tickets! Click HERE for the list of prizes you can enter to win. Entries are just $5 a piece! Contact me to get yours! Special thanks to my mother-in-law, Robin, for helping me put all those baskets together and even donated two herself!! Also to my mom and dad, my sister, Ashley, and Heather N. who donated baskets for the Raffle! And THANK YOU to everyone who donated items for it as well! So many people stepped up to give us gift cards, money, handmade items, their business services, and their time to make these baskets extra awesome! Every single basket has entries in it, and that is all thanks to you guys and your generosity!!! I'm so excited to see who will win!

Thanks again for keeping up to date with our journey. We are getting SO CLOSE you guys, I am so proud of how far we have come and of all our friends and family who have walked this road with us and helped us so much. We could do none of this without your love and support. It is not always easy, but it is always worth it. Thank you for sticking with us!

Adoption Education for the Masses, Part One

I am new to this. Let's be clear on that. I have never adopted before, I hardly know anyone personally who has adopted, and every step I take is a new one. But I have learned a few things along the way so far, and since I think it would do you all a little good to learn right along with me, I thought I would share some of my newly acquired adoption wisdom.

We are expecting a baby. We are not pregnant, but we are on the road to having a baby join our family. I am slowly learning the vast difference in being pregnant with a baby, and expecting a baby through adoption. There is a difference in how people treat you, the resources available to you, the cost to bring the baby home, the wait time, the knowledge of the wait time, the expectations of what your baby will look like, act like, be like. 

In the past, whenever I got pregnant (now that, I am an expert on) I have had about twenty thousand books and limitless internet resources to show me exactly what stage of pregnancy I am in, what to expect in that stage, what my baby looks like in that stage, and what stage I will be in next week. There are discussion forums, phone apps, and websites devoted entirely to informing you about your pregnancy and the little one growing inside of you. You have a due date, and barring any complications, you can expect that your family will be Plus One on or around X day, of Y month, of Z year.

Adoption...not so much. I have no idea, NO IDEA, when we will be Plus One. I have no clue what stage my baby is in in his or her development. I don't know if he or she has even been conceived yet! I do not have books called, "What to Expect When You're Expecting Through Adoption". I don't have a phone app that sends me a cute little email every time I get a copy of something back to my caseworker or we raise enough money to complete the next step of the adoption process. Just like a pregnant mama, I am waiting for my baby to be born and handed over to me, but I cannot tell you with the slightest bit of accuracy when that will be. I am expecting, but I am clueless as to when I am expecting, how I am expecting, and who I am expecting.

I have my own ways of learning more about the adoption process, and one of those ways is by delving into the blogosphere and blogstalking every adoptive journey I possibly can. Man, there are a LOT of adoptive mommies blogging out there, and let me tell you, they know their stuff. They have ridiculous resources, advice, encouragement, knowledge, wisdom, experience, and LOVE. They can answer every question and offer research and resources better than any librarian possibly could. They've been there, their friends have been there, and they know what they're doing. Thank God, because I do NOT.

Another way I prepare myself in this process is by reading everything I can get my hands on. I read and I read and I read. I did that when I was pregnant too, except now instead of studying up on what not to eat when you're expecting and how to prepare yourself for natural childbirth (haha yeah right, I never read anything about that, but I'm sure some women do), my reading includes topics such as open adoption and inter-racial families and fundraising ideas. Just like a pregnant mom, I try my best to educate myself so I can be better prepared when issues arise. And issues always arise, no matter how you're expecting.

Another huge difference I have noticed between expecting through pregnancy and expecting through adoption are the comments. If you have ever been pregnant, I'm sure you have some doozies of your own to report, and let me tell you, being pregnant with the twins brought out some of the most ridiculous comments from people's mouths that I still shake my head at. Below is a video I personally love to send other mommies of twins because they have inevitably seen the dumbest side of humanity just like I have when pregnant or out and about with their multiples. It has nothing to do with this post other than it just goes to show you how people say things without thinking, and think things without knowing, and how a bit of restraint and education can go a long way when talking to others about their children (adopted or not).




Wasn't that fun? If I had a penny for every time someone told me I was "done" since I had a boy and a girl in one sha-bam, I would have enough money to fund this adoption. But I digress.

In following some other hopeful and successful adoptive mommies' blogs, I had read some of the things people might say about your adoption when the topic came up, and I am trying my best to prepare myself in the event that one of those things is said to me in the future. I think naivety is the root of careless comments, and that's why, before we get too far into this process, I thought it would be good to share some of the things you shouldn't say to an adoptive family. I imagine that this will be Part One in a series of many on this topic, but that's fine! I am learning right long with you all, and promise to share my wisdom as I acquire it. ;)

Disclaimer: I have said some of these things myself, so I in no way judge you if you have too, but now that you know what is hurtful or careless, you can no longer play the ignorance card, and neither can I.

Do not refer to the potential birth mother as the "real mom" or my kids as my "real kids". When we do finally add a baby to our family through adoption, I will be the mom, birth mom will be the birth mom, and they will all be my real kids.

The decision to surrender a child for adoption is absolutely heart-wrenching, difficult beyond imagination, and the most selfless act a mother can commit for her child if she feels she cannot raise that child the way he or she needs to be raised. They did not "give their baby away" and they didn't surrender because they "just didn't want the baby". I never, ever want my child to hear anyone say he or she was not wanted. In case you haven't noticed, getting an abortion is as simple as going to the dentist these days. This woman could have made a very different decision, and didn't. She chose to carry this baby to term despite the consequences, judgement, and heartache it caused her and her family. She then chose to give that child their best possible chance, even though it went against every fiber in her being. She LOVED that child, and therefore made a choice to surrender them for adoption. Respect those mothers, love those mothers, appreciate their sacrifice, and pray for their strength, but do not judge them, and if you do, don't ever let me hear you do it.

When first finding out about someone's adoption, don't let the first words out of your mouth be negative ones. Immediately saying things like, "Aren't you afraid you won't love the baby as much as your biological kids?" or "I know someone who took the baby home with them and then the mother wanted her back!" Trust me, adoptive parents have thought through each possible scenario, even the awful ones. We have done our research, we are aware of the risks, we have heard the horror stories, and we are choosing it anyway. If your friend or family member told you, "Guess what!? I'm pregnant!" Would you immediately say, "Congratulations! But what if you have a miscarriage? I know three women who have had miscarriages." I truly hope not, because if you would, you are a crappy friend. And also not that bright.

We would never say this to a pregnant woman because we assume she knows about the risk of miscarriage and certainly doesn't need it to be shoved in her face when she is already worried about a million other things, including losing the baby. Adoptive mommies are no different. We do not live in a bubble, and yes, we have actually heard of failed adoptions and are not blind to the fact that it is a possibility. Certain questions are definitely valid! But negativity straight out of the gate is uncalled for, and be sure to interject some encouraging words along the way!

Adoption Education Nugget: Birth mothers are required to wait 72 hours after giving birth (and must be off all drugs for this amount of time) before they can sign papers relinquishing their child. Once it is done, it is done. There is no turning back, there is no changing your mind. That child's adoptive parents have all rights and responsibilities for that child from there on out, forever. This is one of the many reasons Josh and I chose the agency that we did. They really do their due diligence to make absolutely sure that these birth mothers cannot and do not want to parent prior to signing anything. The mothers are counseled through the process, and that is where part of our fees go. If a mother chooses to parent, that is the best situation for that child. Josh and I do not want to adopt a child who could have and should have been parented by their birth family. If a mother changes her mind in those 72 hours, after we've brought baby home, it would be heartbreaking for us. But we do not want to separate a child from a mother who wants to and has the resources to raise them. Josh and I have dealt with staggering loss. We are not naive to the possibilities of loss in adoption just like we can no longer close our eyes to the possibility of losing a pregnancy. It happens, it is heartbreaking, and we are aware of it. There is no need to remind us.

As you may have guessed from some of the things I've said in previous posts, Josh and I are open to adopting a child of a different race. We are also open to adopting a child with various health issues and backgrounds and genetic pre-dispositions. This was not an easy decision, mostly because we don't know anything about being a multi-racial family or raising a child with health issues. We are very uneducated about it, but are doing our best not to be. When we were filling out our "Child Deisred Form" for the adoption agency, it was one of the hardest things we have ever had to do. We would look at the list and think, am I not checking that box because I'm afraid, or because I know that we would not be the best fit for that child?

The form I'm talking about is a lot like ordering a sandwich at Which Wich, if you've ever been there. If you haven't, it is a sandwich shop that has bags with various sandwich options, and you use these red markers to check each box of the things you want. This form had a million different options for children and their backgrounds, and Josh and I had to go through each one item by item and check the boxes we'd be comfortable with getting a phone call about. I will not go into detail on these options because I think it is a private decision between me and Josh, but I will disclose that we did choose "Any Race". Again, not a decision we came to lightly, but one we feel good about. We do not want to limit God and close the door on the child He has for us because we are scared of a new situation. What we need you to understand is this; We did not come to this decision lightly, we made it, and we need you to support it.

Ask questions. Don't be shy! If you don't know, ask! We are learning too, and we love fielding questions from people who want to be involved and learn more about the process. And a little nugget of advice from my friend Dwight Schrute:

 "Before I do anything, I ask myself, would an idiot do this? If the answer is yes, then I do not do that thing."

Same goes for talking to adoptive families. Ask, encourage, pray, but tread lightly. Be thoughtful of the words you use and sensitive of the things you say. Just as you would be sensitive to a pregnant mother as not to upset her, be sensitive to the expectant adoptive mother (and father), as you might upset her too. We are in an emotionally fragile state just like other expectant parents. There are worries, fears, unknowns, and a lot of waiting. Encouragement goes a long, long way.

So that will end my lecture for today! I hope you learned something, just as I do every time I read an entry similar to this on another blog. Josh and I know we have a lot more to learn and will have patience as our friends and family do the same. We are all in this together and we do not expect everyone to be completely educated on the topic of adoption. We do, however, hope you get educated. Keep reading this blog, keep asking us questions (we might not know the answer but we'll find it!), keep praying, and keep supporting us just as you have done from the start.

Our families love our children harder than any family loves any child anywhere on this earth, and I have every confidence that this baby, no matter who they are, will be loved just as hard. It might take actually seeing the baby and holding them to fall head over heels in love, but this will be one very, very lucky baby. Our children can't comprehend bringing a baby home after one surprise phone call and suddenly having a new sibling. Our mothers do not have the inside advantage of watching my belly grow and falling in love with fuzzy ultrasound pictures. Our fathers have a hard enough time imagining a new grand baby when I'm pregnant, let alone when we are adopting. Our brothers and sisters can't imagine loving a new niece or nephew as much as they love Jake and Eisley, because how does that much love exist? Our friends have never experienced adoption first-hand and aren't sure of the right things to say or how and when to say it. But when that baby finally arrives, when they lay eyes on him or her, no matter who that child is, there will be a ridiculous amount of love added to this world. We have felt the support from them, know they back us 100%, and know they are in prayer for us every day. And though this adoption process is so very different than expecting a baby through pregnancy, one thing remains the same: This. Child. Will. Be. Loved. LOVED. No matter how they get here, when they get here, what they look like, or who they are.

And I can't wait.