Spark

I hope you will forgive me. Josh and I have had, most certainly, an incredibly exhausting week. We have been on a roller coaster of emotions, if ever there was one. We are chomping at the bit to tell you the whole story, and I promise, at some point, we will.

Right now, however, we are concentrating on one very beautiful little baby girl, Ember Rose, who has already blessed us immeasurably.

She is a beautiful disaster.

Ember and her mother are our main focus right now, and we hope you understand that at this point we just don't have the time, energy, or ability to share her incredible story. We are busy cuddling, kissing, and crying over this breathtaking baby girl.

Her story is filled with unspeakable highs and devastating lows. And I will take you through the whole thing, eventually.

For now, we ask that you continue to support our family in prayer.

Please pray for all of the people who love Ember, who have seen how beautiful she is and have marveled at her perfect physical appearance, and who have had to deal with the devastating blow that Ember cannot and will not survive or have any kind of conscience existence. The doctor's say she "cannot and will never be able to have a meaningful life"...but this is one thing she has proven them wrong about already! Ember's name means "spark" and comes with a story. It tells how everyone is drawn to the embers of a warm fire, and no one wants to leave until they're out. Her name fits her to a T. She draws crowds like no one I've ever seen, and no one wants to leave her side until she's gone. She leaves all who see her with a warm feeling of peace, and she is the spark her name defines!

Please pray for God to perfectly orchestrate the rest of her story, and that He will be glorified through it all! I can't wait to tell you of the amazing conversations Ember has allowed us to have with so many people who otherwise may never have heard how awesome our God is!

Please pray that Josh and I will have wisdom in the coming days. Pray for Jake and Eisley to continue having patience with us as we spend most of our waking hours at the hospital. Pray for our families as they are, once again, helping us walk through a very dark valley.

And most of all, pray for Ember Rose, that she will feel the love the doctors say she cannot be aware of. That she will continue to be a spark to those around her, sparking conversations deeper than any strangers usually feel comfortable having. And that God will use her tiny life that has been deemed meaningless, and give it the meaning only He could.

Job

Job 9: 18
"...he will not let me get my breath, but fills me with bitterness."

Job 7: 11
"Therefore I will not restrain my mouth; I will speak in the anguish of my spirit; I will complain in the bitterness of my soul.:

Job 7: 20b
"Why have you made me your mark?"

Job 6: 11-12
"What is my strength, that I should wait? And what is my end, that I should be patient? Is my strength the strength of stones, or is my flesh bronze?"

Job 5: 8-9
"As for me, I would seek God, and to God would I commit my cause, who does great things and unsearchable, marvelous things without number.

Job 5: 18
"For he wounds, but he binds up; he shatters, but his hands heal."


Job. I don't want to even begin to compare my life with his, or my troubles. That guy had it bad. God literally let Satan run rampant with all that was precious to him and make his life so miserable that Job says, "I loathe my life" at least three times that I counted while reading through the book today. He was a mess. He was hurting, and from what I gathered, his greatest heartbreak was not losing all he had, including all of his children, it was that the Lord and God he knew to be Sovereign let it happen. He could not make sense of it.

I was reading through the book of Job on my kindle on the way back from San Diego today. I highlighted so many passages that I might as well have just highlighted the whole book. I could have written it. It is so deeply and honestly raw. There are no cliche Christian encouragements or shallow pats on the proverbial shoulder. Job was hurting. He was confused. He questioned God and lamented at his situation. If you haven't read the book, I encourage you to do so. It's not that long. But if you have ever been heartbroken or deeply saddened, you will find comfort in someone else being way worse off than you, and inspired that he is somehow still praising God through it. Not in a fake, "All of this is God's will let me just roll over and smile" sort of way. In a "Lord, this sucks. My life is loathsome. I'm so hurt you would allow this. But I know I deserve worse, and I know you will create good from this" sort of way. (And the kicker is...He does. If you can trudge through the hard parts, there is a happy ending for all, though you'd never know it reading through chapters upon chapters of Job's 'woe is me, life hath left me to rot' perspective.)

We got word today that the sweet little baby girl we have been praying for and planning to adopt into our family has a specific and catastrophic gross brain abnormality. She was diagnosed a few days ago, and the diagnosis was confirmed today. She is not expected to live long after her birth. It could be moments, days, months...none of the possibilities are good enough in my heart. We are left, baffled, at yet another heart breaking scenario for our family. Why?

I don't want to pretend to make sense of any of this, because it is just so senseless. I am simply heartbroken for her and her mother. I'm so baffled. Emotionally I feel as if I have been smacked across the face in front of a crowd of people. I don't know what to do, or how to make the situation okay. I want my response to be graceful, yet I'm so hurt.

I feel like God never ceases to challenge me with situations I couldn't dream up if I tried. We prepared our hearts for the possibility of birth mom making a different plan. We prepared our family for the different scenarios of special needs and how that would impact us. We prepared to bring a baby home. We had a baby shower. My house is set up and ready to bring a baby home, like, tonight. If there was preparation to be had, we prepared it. This was totally out of left field, and we've had to completely turn to Him for our reaction and response. And despite my feelings of Job-ness, I am trusting that God will work it together for good. Only He could make anything of value out of this total and utter mess, but I know He can, and if it takes the rest of my life, I know He will.

This little pumpkin has such a hard little road ahead of her. We know there is always the possibility of God doing something totally God-like and allowing her to be born free of any abnormalities. But...we have been through enough of this kind of thing to know that it just doesn't happen like that most of the time. He is preparing us for the worst for a reason. Usually because the worst is about to happen.

I wanted a baby girl that was healthy and would be a physical part of our family forever. God, however, knew from the moment He created her that this would be how it panned out. That this birth mom would choose us, that we would learn of this news this late into the game, that she would have no one else. No one. As selfish as I am, I have come to realize that this whole situation just isn't about me and what I want. It is about a little baby girl that needs love for the little while that she is here. And Josh and I have made a decision that we will do what we can to love on her in the time that we have with her.

The adoption of this little one is complicated because of the situation. We just won't know anything until she is here. We still want to believe that God will grant us our desire to have a baby come home with us through adoption, but we are taking it one day at a time. We don't want to get ahead of ourselves and start thinking about going up on the waiting list again. We just need a little time.

What happens from here is just so dependent on what happens from here. This is not the end of our adoption journey, it is a major detour, for sure, but we know God will use it to grow our faith and bring us closer to Him and to each other. He already has.

Right now, we would like to ask everyone around us to be praying for this little one. She has a mother who is hurting very much, and I can relate to the feeling of knowing your baby won't live the full life you imagined. Please be in prayer for her. This baby girl has such a wonderful opportunity to impact so many lives, even though it is so different than what we ever imagined. Please pray that God will do awesome things through her short life.

We are totally resigning to God's will right now. Whatever He wants us to do, whatever role He wants us to play in this situation, we will do that. We'd like you to pray that He will make it very clear to us what He wants and that He will grant us the strength to do whatever He asks.

I honestly can't predict how things will play out. What I imagine happening is us being there for this little one as much as we are allowed to be, and supporting her until she leaves this world or blesses another family who is better equipped to take care of her. At this point birth mom wants to continue with an adoption plan, though we are wondering how her heart might change knowing her baby girl has only moments or days on this earth. She wants someone there to hold her and love her until she goes, and since right now that doesn't look like it will be her, we are wondering if it should be us. We will talk to the agency and see where we go from here.

Speaking of going from here...

Eventually we want to get back on the proverbial adoption horse, and ask that God bless us with a little one to bring home to Jake and Eisley. Eventually. I promise we'll get there. We knew this adoption faith walk would be long and hard, full of surprises and possibly heartaches. I knew that, and our family knew that. This is just par for the course. Stuff happens. We deal with it as best we know how, and we move forward.

This is something God wanted in our lives, and in your lives apparently, too. Do with it what you will. We are choosing to use this opportunity to love on this baby girl, name her, pray for her, advocate for her. To show her and her mother what it means to be a follower of Christ. To see "Kim" through her pregnancy and make sure she is not alone, and that this baby will not be alone. To be the an example of God's unconditional love to both of them. That's all we can do really. What can you do?

I feel like apologizing to everyone. We all were hoping so much for a more joyful outcome. I am trying to put away my feelings of selfishness and remember that there is a mommy hurting so much more than I am, that there is a baby girl who is at the brunt of all of this, who has such a hard little road ahead. Please be praying for her. Right now, I feel that our family and loved ones are responsible for interceding on her behalf. We are responsible for praying for her, and if you don't know what to pray for, pray God will use her life to make an impact for Him on this world! Honestly, she already has done that! What a special little girl, to impact so many who only a short time ago learned of her existence!

God has taken this sweet little baby girl who would have been born into this world practically alone and entrusted her with a family of people who are praying and loving on her. I don't know how long or in what capacity the Lord will allow us to be a part of her life, but we are a part of this chapter, and I will spend every moment that I think of her praising God for her creation and asking that He do something miraculous with it. Her existence was not an accident, and none of this is a surprise to God. Though we are shocked and dismayed by the outcome, I know God has been preparing our hearts for this for a very long time. My three pumpkins in heaven will greet her with open arms! That thought makes my heart so happy for her.

Once again, we are so thankful for the love and support of our friends and family. Sometimes I feel like it would be so much easier on everyone if they cut ties with us altogether. I feel so upset over the heartache we have caused among those around us. But the reality is, we are just being obedient to the Lord, and that comes with heartache sometimes. Welcome to life. I'm so sorry if I ever handle any of what the Lord asks of us with anything short of a humble heart. He has blessed our family more than words can even express. I am reminded of that every time I look into the eyes of my daughter or hear the belly laugh of my son. Who is more blessed than I am??? NO ONE!!!

The thought occurred to me today that there are so many people in this life who have been called to be Jobs. They are the ones people look at and say, "Wow. Sucks to be them. I'm so glad God doesn't treat me like that!" (Maybe those aren't our exact thoughts, maybe it's more on the side of, "Wow, God really trusts them with a lot. I can't imagine Him trusting me with all of that." But you get the idea). They are asked to handle more than the average human being thinks they are capable of handling, and yet they do it, so gracefully, with so much praise in their hearts for their Savior. Where does that come from? I can think of so many of those people in my life right now. I'm incredibly blessed to even be included in their story, counted as a friend, or asked to pray for them as they fight the Job-like fight. I'm honored to do so. But as trials persist and this road stretches out to be a lot longer and harder than we originally thought, I find myself relating more and more to Job and looking to those very Job-like people to inspire me and encourage me to be better at this.

Which can only mean one thing...I am one of those Jobs.

Dang it. When did that happen?

But. Jobs of the world, before you go running out of the house begging God not to burn down your last ox... listen. The upside to being a "Job" is that we get direct communication with our Savior. I'm not saying He doesn't listen just as intently to my friend Wanda who has never had so much as a hangnail in the trials department. I'm saying that we have more meaningful opportunities to have a special commune with Him when we are going through stuff like this. There is time set aside for you, for me, to lament. To cry. To ask Him why and fully expect a response, though we may not get one in the time frame we desire. Time for him to comfort us and help pull us up by the bootstraps. It's a gift. Take advantage of it. You will come out so much wiser and at peace with all that's gone down. I have never come out of a serious prayer and Scripture reading time where I have cried out to God and asked Him to show me the purpose in it all more upset with Him than when I entered. He always finds a way to calm me down and bring some light into the situation.

To our loved ones, we love you. Thank you for standing by us through another storm. Thank you for the encouragement, verses, hugs, and love you have sent our way. Stand back and watch our God make something beautiful from these ashes. I am fully confident He will.


Job 11: 14b "Let not injustice dwell in your tents. Surely then you will lift up your face without blemish. You will be secure and will not fear. You will forget your misery. You will remember it as waters who have passed away.And your life will be brighter than the noonday. Its darkness will be like the morning."

Adoption Classes #5 and #6 and Updates

Well it has been a very busy few weeks, as it always is really, so I am just finding the time to get this post written! We have had two more classes on some really important topics so I just wanted to share a little bit about those with you in case you are interested.

Class #5 was on "Covenant and Commitment". This is in reference to the covenant we make with the birthmother of our child, as well as the commitments we are making to an open adoption. We discussed the differences between a "contract" and a "covenant" and how we would not be entering into a legally binding contract with this woman, but we would be making a covenant with her. Not something that could be legally enforced, but something in my opinion is a heck of a lot more serious.

When we are matched with a birth family, we decide together what level of involvement we are all comfortable with. How much contact will we have, how often will we send pics or videos, how often will there be visits with our child's birth mother and/or birth family? A covenant provides a general schedule for the birthmother to know when she can expect to hear about the baby's progress and when she can expect to see the baby again. It lets everyone know up front what the boundaries and expectations are. When all of this is agreed upon, we all sign a Covenant with each other. It isn't legally binding, as I said before, and can technically be revoked by either party if they choose, but it is something we are promising to one another, a commitment to the child, a covenant before God that we will not enter into lightly. Much like a marriage, we are committing to a relationship with this person for the rest of our lives, and setting our child up for the kind of relationship he or she will have with their birth family. We commit to a certain number of visits per year as well as the kind of contact we will have. Will there be frequent emails? Pictures? Texts? Phone calls? How often? Who is welcome at the visits? How far in advance do we need to plan them? What will they look like? How long will they last? These are just some of the things discussed in the covenant agreement.

I am very aware that the thought of having an open relationship with our child's birth mother and family seems really strange to some people. It is not something I ever would have pictured myself being open to, and Josh was even more leery of it going into this process. But we have learned a lot and have seen what that kind of healthy relationship actually looks like, and we understand that having at least some kind of relationship is what is best for the child mostly, but also everyone involved. We do not expect everyone to be at the same level of "okayness" with this as we are because we've had more time, more information, and more exposure to the idea of open adoption than most people. We know it will probably take everyone awhile to "catch up" to where we're at, and it might even take actually seeing what our family's relationship with our birth family looks like for our friends and family to "get it". That's okay! We are okay with being the pioneers here in our group of friends and family. We are hopeful that seeing what we've gone through and what God does with it all will possibly soften some other hearts out there towards adoption of some kind!

We talked in our class about what the role of a birth parent looks like in a healthy open adoption. It is similar to that of an aunt or uncle or cousin, their role is to love the child without assuming any of the parental responsibilities. They are the child's link to his or her genetic heritage. We talked about how many birth parents cannot be good parents at this time in their life, but they can be champion birth parents if given the opportunity.

We are thankful that our agency is always there and ready to help us if situations ever arise that we aren't completely sure how to handle. This will be very new to us and we are glad to have such great, experienced supporters that can help us figure out and nurture a great and healthy relationship with our child's birth family.

We discussed the possibility of the birth parents being unavailable, and how sometimes, despite our intentions and willingness and desire to have an open relationship with our child's birth mother and/or family, they just aren't able or willing to do that at this point. To be completely honest, when I entered into this process, that sounded like the "ideal" scenario to me. Cutting ties with the birth family and pursuing a closed adoptionseemed like the best idea and possibly the "easiest" for all involved. But I know Josh and I have come a looong way because the thought of that now makes me very sad. I truly want our little one to have a connection to his or her roots, to have some kind of relationship with his or her birth family, to know and understand the reasons behind their adoption, to know in their hearts that they were always loved and wanted, to be able to ask questions of their birth family that I can't answer. We are praying very hard for our child's birth mother and are hopeful we'll be able to have an open relationship with her.

Class #6 was called "Transracial and Special Needs Adoptions". We spent the first part of class discussing the effects of drugs, alcohol, and mental illness on children. Working at a children's hospital, none of it was really news to me, though I think Josh learned a lot. We talked about the possibility of adopting children who were exposed to a lot or a little drugs or alcohol in the womb. We discussed what special needs those babies might have either immediately or down the road or both. We again talked about our "Child Desired Form" and are all being asked to redo them after our classes to make sure we haven't had a change of heart towards certain scenarios.

Our instructor talked about how this is a really personal decision, and that we should really be in prayer about what we're open to. She said, "This isn't the time to be politically correct. You guys have to make a decision for your family and go into it with eyes wide open, knowing what your particularr family unit can handle and nourish and thrive in." She talked about how she knows it is extremely hard to fill that form out because you feel like a terrible person if you don't check every single box, and then if you don't check a box, you wonder why you don't check it and if that's really the right decision and what if I don't check it and my baby that's supposed to be "my" baby never comes home to me because I didn't check the box??? It is not an easy paper to fill out.

She told us how once we've filled out the paperwork, it doesn't mean it is set in stone. We can call up our case worker at any time and tell her we've changed our mind about a certain situation and would like her to change our form. God might open or close our hearts to certain things, and we are just trusting that He will get us comfortable with whatever He has in store!

We spent a lot of time discussing the topic of transracial adoption, and had some special guest speakers who adopted children of a different race than their own. It was a really interesting discussion and we feel like we both learned a lot about what that really looks like in day to day life, the issues that arise, the views people (strangers as well as friends and family) may have, and the things that are extremely important to consider if we are open to adopting a little one who isn't the same race as us. Just as an FYI, Josh and I are totally open to this, so we are doing our best to prepare our kids and family and selves for the possibilty of becoming a multi-racial family! We are aware that it completely changes the look and dynamic of our family, and we are praying that God will prepare us for all of that if He decides to bless us in that way.

This class was definitely a little scary. We are being asked to take a really good, hard look at the type of situation we are open to considering. Some of the scenarios are downright frightening, some of them are just different, completely different than what we've ever dealt with, and that is a bit scary too! We simply have to trust that God knows what child is perfectly made for our family, and know that He will bring us to each other and work everything out and equip us to handle whatever that brings.

One of the speakers talked about how the very things she was completely closed to and terrified of were the exact scenarios each of her adopted children had when they brought them home. God challenged her in ways she never wanted or planned on, but she wouldn't change a thing. There are definitely a lot of scenarios that terrify me, and ones I'd just rather not have to deal with, but I am really trying to trust that God will equip me to handle whatever He asks me to handle. He's done it before, and I'm sure He'll do it again.

When I was growing up I always heard people say, "Ohhh I hope I have twins someday! I've always wanted twins!" Not me! I never wanted twins and couldn't understand why people would. Hadn't they ever cared for a screaming infant? They want to double that? No thanks. I wanted to have my babies one at a time like God intended. ;) Lo and behold, my very first pregnancy, TWINS!!! And you know what? I was right. They were incredibly difficult just as I thought they would be, and during my pregnancy and those first few months with my infants every time someone told me how lucky I was to have "killed two birds with one stone" I wanted to stick a fork in their eye. But. But, oh my gosh the blessings. Worth every single ache and pain of a full term twin pregnancy, worth sleeping a total of three hours a week for six months, worth the craziness and the chaos and the giant double stroller only The Hulk could handle. Thank GOD He didn't listen to my whining! I absolutely adore, absolutely adore, having my twins. I am the luckiest mama alive and I am so glad God challenged me in that way!

I am confident God knows what we need, what we can handle, and who will be a perfect fit in our little family. We are open to what He's planning for us, as scary as that is, because over time we have learned that to say "No, absolutely not, God, not me!" is to basically dare Him to do it. ;) And things are a lot harder when you're completely unwilling to bend to His will.

So that sums up the last two classes, though we learn and cover far more than I have time or energy to put here. We only have ONE MORE CLASS left!!! Yippee!!! I can't believe how fast everything is going! I am still anxiously awaiting the arrival of our Match Letter in the mail. The company I created it with is refusing to send me the PDF of if, for copyright reasons apparently, so I have to wait to get it in the mail before I can make copies of it and send it to our agency. Boo! ;)

We have one last meeting with our caseworker on the 7th to go over our new "Child Desired Form" and hopefully, hopefully (please God!) hand in our Match Letter copies and fee. Our Raffle/Genghis Grill Fundraiser is less than a week away! We have sold over 230 tickets for the Raffle and are spreading the word like crazy to get people to come on out to the Genghis Grill at Arrowhead for lunch or dinner on Wednesday! Remember, you must have the flyer with you for us to receive the 20% of your ticket, so print one off here and don't forget to bring it! Every dollar counts, and if you will notice, our thermometer is slowly but surely creeeeping upwards with each ticket sold!

We have some AMAZING baskets to raffle off, and there is still time to get your tickets! Click HERE for the list of prizes you can enter to win. Entries are just $5 a piece! Contact me to get yours! Special thanks to my mother-in-law, Robin, for helping me put all those baskets together and even donated two herself!! Also to my mom and dad, my sister, Ashley, and Heather N. who donated baskets for the Raffle! And THANK YOU to everyone who donated items for it as well! So many people stepped up to give us gift cards, money, handmade items, their business services, and their time to make these baskets extra awesome! Every single basket has entries in it, and that is all thanks to you guys and your generosity!!! I'm so excited to see who will win!

Thanks again for keeping up to date with our journey. We are getting SO CLOSE you guys, I am so proud of how far we have come and of all our friends and family who have walked this road with us and helped us so much. We could do none of this without your love and support. It is not always easy, but it is always worth it. Thank you for sticking with us!

A challenge to my readers...

Yesterday I posted a link to a fellow adoption mommy's blog and told you about a contest she is having to help raise awareness, funds, and prayer support to about 20 different families in need. They are each bringing children home from faraway countries and many are in some seriously desperate situations. To help them each get a little extra support, this blogger is holding a contest and asking that people donate at least $20 to one or more of the families she posted about, then leave a comment on her blog saying you did so. She will choose two random posters and give them each a $250 gift card to Wal-Mart!

Over the past few months, God has really given me a heart for these families and children. I am constantly reading their stories and praying for them and watching miracles unfold every day. It is pretty amazing! But my heart also breaks for families that just can't get the funds they need, and the only thing separating them from their precious babies is money. It's just not right. If a family is obedient and courageous enough to commit to adoption, to love the least of these, they should not be held back by lack of funds, especially Christian families who are supposed to have the full support of the church in helping orphans. And they should certainly have more prayer partners than they can count.

Now, according to my fancy blog tracker thingamajig, I average about 200 readers a day give or take a few. I would like to challenge you guys to go visit No Greater Joy Mom's blog and click on a few of those precious baby's faces! See if God doesn't soften your heart towards these families and ask you to give a little to one or more of them. Maybe along with your gift, you could commit to faithfully praying for one special family, start following their story, and see what God does over the next few months! Just think what would happen if 200 of you committed to one of those families! That would be very cool.

I think we all have room in our days to pray for one of these families and their child(ren). This adoption community is quite large, and there are SO many families that need prayer and support! I would love to see some of you commit to one of them in prayer and help bring their babies home!

I realize that you are already committed to my family and helping us bring our little one home, and the support we have seen has been phenomenal. We are so blessed and so thankful for your love, support, prayers, and financial sacrifice. Because you have all been so wonderful to my family, I know you have it in your hearts to be just as wonderful to at least one more adoptive family in need! I truly believe God put our family on this particular journey for a bigger reason than just adding to our brood, and it would be amazing to help bring some other little ones home to their forever families as well!

If you'd like to give prayer or a financial gift to one of these children, visit this blog and leave a comment there saying you did so. Personally I would LOVE if you left a comment here as well!!!

If you have a blog or facebook, would you please share the link with your friends and family? Maybe you aren't able to give, but someone you know can! The more we spread the word the better. These are real families trying to bring home real children in really desperate situations.

Okay friends, thank you for reading and joining me in following some of these families! Let's help bring some kids home.

Adopting Families in Need

I wanted to share a blog post by an adoptive mother who is wonderful about connecting the adoptive community and spreading the word on different needs and prayer requests within it. I encourage you to start following her blog and become a part of the prayer and support community she creates!

She recently posted an entry specifically asking for help and support for a few adoptive families in crisis mode, who are desperately trying to raise funds in order to bring their babies home. To get the word out, she's offering a $250 Wal-mart gift card to one person who donates to one of the families in need.

I encourage you to check out her blog and see if God leads you to any of the families in need of serious assistance right now. Click here to visit her blog!