Adoption Education for the Masses, Part One

I am new to this. Let's be clear on that. I have never adopted before, I hardly know anyone personally who has adopted, and every step I take is a new one. But I have learned a few things along the way so far, and since I think it would do you all a little good to learn right along with me, I thought I would share some of my newly acquired adoption wisdom.

We are expecting a baby. We are not pregnant, but we are on the road to having a baby join our family. I am slowly learning the vast difference in being pregnant with a baby, and expecting a baby through adoption. There is a difference in how people treat you, the resources available to you, the cost to bring the baby home, the wait time, the knowledge of the wait time, the expectations of what your baby will look like, act like, be like. 

In the past, whenever I got pregnant (now that, I am an expert on) I have had about twenty thousand books and limitless internet resources to show me exactly what stage of pregnancy I am in, what to expect in that stage, what my baby looks like in that stage, and what stage I will be in next week. There are discussion forums, phone apps, and websites devoted entirely to informing you about your pregnancy and the little one growing inside of you. You have a due date, and barring any complications, you can expect that your family will be Plus One on or around X day, of Y month, of Z year.

Adoption...not so much. I have no idea, NO IDEA, when we will be Plus One. I have no clue what stage my baby is in in his or her development. I don't know if he or she has even been conceived yet! I do not have books called, "What to Expect When You're Expecting Through Adoption". I don't have a phone app that sends me a cute little email every time I get a copy of something back to my caseworker or we raise enough money to complete the next step of the adoption process. Just like a pregnant mama, I am waiting for my baby to be born and handed over to me, but I cannot tell you with the slightest bit of accuracy when that will be. I am expecting, but I am clueless as to when I am expecting, how I am expecting, and who I am expecting.

I have my own ways of learning more about the adoption process, and one of those ways is by delving into the blogosphere and blogstalking every adoptive journey I possibly can. Man, there are a LOT of adoptive mommies blogging out there, and let me tell you, they know their stuff. They have ridiculous resources, advice, encouragement, knowledge, wisdom, experience, and LOVE. They can answer every question and offer research and resources better than any librarian possibly could. They've been there, their friends have been there, and they know what they're doing. Thank God, because I do NOT.

Another way I prepare myself in this process is by reading everything I can get my hands on. I read and I read and I read. I did that when I was pregnant too, except now instead of studying up on what not to eat when you're expecting and how to prepare yourself for natural childbirth (haha yeah right, I never read anything about that, but I'm sure some women do), my reading includes topics such as open adoption and inter-racial families and fundraising ideas. Just like a pregnant mom, I try my best to educate myself so I can be better prepared when issues arise. And issues always arise, no matter how you're expecting.

Another huge difference I have noticed between expecting through pregnancy and expecting through adoption are the comments. If you have ever been pregnant, I'm sure you have some doozies of your own to report, and let me tell you, being pregnant with the twins brought out some of the most ridiculous comments from people's mouths that I still shake my head at. Below is a video I personally love to send other mommies of twins because they have inevitably seen the dumbest side of humanity just like I have when pregnant or out and about with their multiples. It has nothing to do with this post other than it just goes to show you how people say things without thinking, and think things without knowing, and how a bit of restraint and education can go a long way when talking to others about their children (adopted or not).




Wasn't that fun? If I had a penny for every time someone told me I was "done" since I had a boy and a girl in one sha-bam, I would have enough money to fund this adoption. But I digress.

In following some other hopeful and successful adoptive mommies' blogs, I had read some of the things people might say about your adoption when the topic came up, and I am trying my best to prepare myself in the event that one of those things is said to me in the future. I think naivety is the root of careless comments, and that's why, before we get too far into this process, I thought it would be good to share some of the things you shouldn't say to an adoptive family. I imagine that this will be Part One in a series of many on this topic, but that's fine! I am learning right long with you all, and promise to share my wisdom as I acquire it. ;)

Disclaimer: I have said some of these things myself, so I in no way judge you if you have too, but now that you know what is hurtful or careless, you can no longer play the ignorance card, and neither can I.

Do not refer to the potential birth mother as the "real mom" or my kids as my "real kids". When we do finally add a baby to our family through adoption, I will be the mom, birth mom will be the birth mom, and they will all be my real kids.

The decision to surrender a child for adoption is absolutely heart-wrenching, difficult beyond imagination, and the most selfless act a mother can commit for her child if she feels she cannot raise that child the way he or she needs to be raised. They did not "give their baby away" and they didn't surrender because they "just didn't want the baby". I never, ever want my child to hear anyone say he or she was not wanted. In case you haven't noticed, getting an abortion is as simple as going to the dentist these days. This woman could have made a very different decision, and didn't. She chose to carry this baby to term despite the consequences, judgement, and heartache it caused her and her family. She then chose to give that child their best possible chance, even though it went against every fiber in her being. She LOVED that child, and therefore made a choice to surrender them for adoption. Respect those mothers, love those mothers, appreciate their sacrifice, and pray for their strength, but do not judge them, and if you do, don't ever let me hear you do it.

When first finding out about someone's adoption, don't let the first words out of your mouth be negative ones. Immediately saying things like, "Aren't you afraid you won't love the baby as much as your biological kids?" or "I know someone who took the baby home with them and then the mother wanted her back!" Trust me, adoptive parents have thought through each possible scenario, even the awful ones. We have done our research, we are aware of the risks, we have heard the horror stories, and we are choosing it anyway. If your friend or family member told you, "Guess what!? I'm pregnant!" Would you immediately say, "Congratulations! But what if you have a miscarriage? I know three women who have had miscarriages." I truly hope not, because if you would, you are a crappy friend. And also not that bright.

We would never say this to a pregnant woman because we assume she knows about the risk of miscarriage and certainly doesn't need it to be shoved in her face when she is already worried about a million other things, including losing the baby. Adoptive mommies are no different. We do not live in a bubble, and yes, we have actually heard of failed adoptions and are not blind to the fact that it is a possibility. Certain questions are definitely valid! But negativity straight out of the gate is uncalled for, and be sure to interject some encouraging words along the way!

Adoption Education Nugget: Birth mothers are required to wait 72 hours after giving birth (and must be off all drugs for this amount of time) before they can sign papers relinquishing their child. Once it is done, it is done. There is no turning back, there is no changing your mind. That child's adoptive parents have all rights and responsibilities for that child from there on out, forever. This is one of the many reasons Josh and I chose the agency that we did. They really do their due diligence to make absolutely sure that these birth mothers cannot and do not want to parent prior to signing anything. The mothers are counseled through the process, and that is where part of our fees go. If a mother chooses to parent, that is the best situation for that child. Josh and I do not want to adopt a child who could have and should have been parented by their birth family. If a mother changes her mind in those 72 hours, after we've brought baby home, it would be heartbreaking for us. But we do not want to separate a child from a mother who wants to and has the resources to raise them. Josh and I have dealt with staggering loss. We are not naive to the possibilities of loss in adoption just like we can no longer close our eyes to the possibility of losing a pregnancy. It happens, it is heartbreaking, and we are aware of it. There is no need to remind us.

As you may have guessed from some of the things I've said in previous posts, Josh and I are open to adopting a child of a different race. We are also open to adopting a child with various health issues and backgrounds and genetic pre-dispositions. This was not an easy decision, mostly because we don't know anything about being a multi-racial family or raising a child with health issues. We are very uneducated about it, but are doing our best not to be. When we were filling out our "Child Deisred Form" for the adoption agency, it was one of the hardest things we have ever had to do. We would look at the list and think, am I not checking that box because I'm afraid, or because I know that we would not be the best fit for that child?

The form I'm talking about is a lot like ordering a sandwich at Which Wich, if you've ever been there. If you haven't, it is a sandwich shop that has bags with various sandwich options, and you use these red markers to check each box of the things you want. This form had a million different options for children and their backgrounds, and Josh and I had to go through each one item by item and check the boxes we'd be comfortable with getting a phone call about. I will not go into detail on these options because I think it is a private decision between me and Josh, but I will disclose that we did choose "Any Race". Again, not a decision we came to lightly, but one we feel good about. We do not want to limit God and close the door on the child He has for us because we are scared of a new situation. What we need you to understand is this; We did not come to this decision lightly, we made it, and we need you to support it.

Ask questions. Don't be shy! If you don't know, ask! We are learning too, and we love fielding questions from people who want to be involved and learn more about the process. And a little nugget of advice from my friend Dwight Schrute:

 "Before I do anything, I ask myself, would an idiot do this? If the answer is yes, then I do not do that thing."

Same goes for talking to adoptive families. Ask, encourage, pray, but tread lightly. Be thoughtful of the words you use and sensitive of the things you say. Just as you would be sensitive to a pregnant mother as not to upset her, be sensitive to the expectant adoptive mother (and father), as you might upset her too. We are in an emotionally fragile state just like other expectant parents. There are worries, fears, unknowns, and a lot of waiting. Encouragement goes a long, long way.

So that will end my lecture for today! I hope you learned something, just as I do every time I read an entry similar to this on another blog. Josh and I know we have a lot more to learn and will have patience as our friends and family do the same. We are all in this together and we do not expect everyone to be completely educated on the topic of adoption. We do, however, hope you get educated. Keep reading this blog, keep asking us questions (we might not know the answer but we'll find it!), keep praying, and keep supporting us just as you have done from the start.

Our families love our children harder than any family loves any child anywhere on this earth, and I have every confidence that this baby, no matter who they are, will be loved just as hard. It might take actually seeing the baby and holding them to fall head over heels in love, but this will be one very, very lucky baby. Our children can't comprehend bringing a baby home after one surprise phone call and suddenly having a new sibling. Our mothers do not have the inside advantage of watching my belly grow and falling in love with fuzzy ultrasound pictures. Our fathers have a hard enough time imagining a new grand baby when I'm pregnant, let alone when we are adopting. Our brothers and sisters can't imagine loving a new niece or nephew as much as they love Jake and Eisley, because how does that much love exist? Our friends have never experienced adoption first-hand and aren't sure of the right things to say or how and when to say it. But when that baby finally arrives, when they lay eyes on him or her, no matter who that child is, there will be a ridiculous amount of love added to this world. We have felt the support from them, know they back us 100%, and know they are in prayer for us every day. And though this adoption process is so very different than expecting a baby through pregnancy, one thing remains the same: This. Child. Will. Be. Loved. LOVED. No matter how they get here, when they get here, what they look like, or who they are.

And I can't wait.

For a Smile...

If you don't know my children personally, this might give you a little glimpse of their awesomeness. We recently took a string of pretty adorable videos that I just wanted to share with you! I hope you enjoy them and they bring a smile to your face!

J* and E* love pretending to be newscasters and when I started videotaping them I had no idea what they were going to talk about, other than the weather! Since they pertain to the adoption, I thought they'd be appropriate here. ;)

The last video is a private concert J* surprised us with, and I will tell you I had to hold a pillow over my mouth to keep from laughing and embarrassing him, but you are watching in the privacy of your own home, so feel free to chuckle.

Enjoy.









And last but not least...Justin Beiber meets Billy Graham. J* made this up on the fly and it is quite possibly the best thing I have ever heard. Ever.

Best news we've gotten all day!

Did you notice our fundraising thermometer to the right??? Did you notice how much LOWER the goal is???

This week Josh and I got our Adoption Fee Agreement finalized and signed, and the total cost to complete our adoption is significantly lower than we anticipated (It's always better to guess high so you don't have a heart attack after low-balling it)! This is a HUGE blessing and while it is still a lofty goal, it feels so much more doable. Not that God couldn't do it if it were five times that amount, and I know He could and IS doing that in another adoption I'm following through a friend, but it is still good news for us that the amount is less than we initially planned for.

We were told that there is always the possibility of fee increases over time, or an unforeseen expense somewhere, etc. But this is the exact amount we have consented to through the agency and the exact amount we have committed to paying in full upon the placement of a little one in our home.

I just wanted to share the good news with you guys and thank you all for praying! A huge thanks to those participating in our fundraisers and donating money to our fund, we are so encouraged by each coin turned in, each photo session that gets booked, and each drawing and painting that you purchase from my little artists! ;) You have a hand in bringing our baby home, and I hope you understand how truly grateful we are. We can't express it in words, so I hope you can understand our hearts and know we are totally blessed.

Onward!

Hurry Up and Wait

Today was a noteable day for us in the adoption process...we turned in our homestudy packet!!! When we were handed the packet two weeks ago, we were told typically it takes couples around six weeks to turn everything back in. I had the goal of three. We did it in two! Whoo hoo! :)

We worked really hard on it and I felt like I was DOING something, but now we have turned it in and we will be in the waiting stage for awhile. Our adoption classes do not start until January, and those are seven weeks long. Between now and then, it would be super cool if we could get our homestudy done, so that's the goal! But it will take our case worker quite awhile to go through our packet and schedule all of our meetings.

So, because there is nothing else we can possibly be doing right now, we pray! We pray and we fund raise and we pray some more. I am planning to read a few books on adoption in the meantime as well, because I love to read and because this is all very new to me and I would like to be as prepared as I can.

On the fundraising side of things, we are just under two weeks away from the end of our Adoption Change Drive! We have had two people turn in their coins, and WOW I was blown away!!! I am going to keep the funds raised mum until we get a grand total because it is so exciting and I want to put a big ol' entry in the fundraising thermometer after November 10th!!! Josh and the kids and I have been having a lot of fun counting up all the change, the kids are very good little coin sorters and together we knock it out pretty fast!

Today we were totally blessed by a few donations which has brought us well up over $600! J* and E* have been "Auctioning" off their artwork to family and friends and are absolutely swelled with pride over their contribution to the cause! J* and E* already donated their entire piggy banks to the "Doption Fund" as J* calls it, and the other day J* told me he wanted to donate all of his birthday money as well. I told J* that I was so proud of him for giving his whole piggy bank, and I wanted him to spend his birthday money on something he really wanted! He said, "Mommy, I weally want a brothoo or sistoo!" Today I told him I wished he would keep his birthday money and spend it on something really fun, and E* said, "Mom, what's more important, a toy, or adopting a baby who has no one to love it? DUH a baby!!!" ;)

I am so proud of them, and have learned a few lessons from their attitude. A couple of weeks ago a friend told me that her daughter gave all of her money to put in the baby bottle for our fundraiser. We both agreed that it was the sweetest thing ever. I was thinking about it later and thought, "Well, it's easy to give everything you have when you have someone taking care of your every need." I immediately realized how ridiculous that was...don't I have Someone taking care of MY every need? I could almost hear God say, "Um, HELLO??? What am I chopped liver?"

I had this convicting revelation. I thought it was so cute that these little ones were giving all they had. They just wanted to help! They saw a need and they knew they could do something about it! They didn't worry about what they would do after they gave it, because they are little and they have parents providing for their every need. Why would they worry? They'll get more money, and right now, it seems this "baby" needs it more than they do!

Wow. Are we any different? Don't we have a Provider who has promised us our daily bread? Who has promised to take care of our physical needs? How often do we give without worry? Without angst? Without second guessing and hesitation? Or how often do we say, "Well, I just can't afford that right now. I need to take care of myself."

I don't know about you, but I worry like it's going out of style. I cannot IMAGINE giving all the money I had to someone in need and just having faith that God will provide for me. How awesome are kids? What a perfect picture of unconditional faith. And they are putting their faith in humans! They have no doubt that their mom and dad will take care of them. We have GOD taking care of us, and we can't even trust Him to provide our daily needs? That seems a little off.

I am so challenged by my little children to have more faith in the One who created me. The One who loves me more than I can even imagine, more than I love my own children! How would we feel as parents if our children refused to part with their coins because they weren't sure they would have enough to buy their next meal or have shoes for school? I know my children would never worry about such things because they have never had to worry about such things. But have I? Has God ever not provided for my most basic needs? Honestly, I am fortunate to say no. So where does this constant worry come from? When did I stop trusting the One who has consistently taken care of me my entire life? How does it make Him feel when I worry and fuss and stress over things that I have no control over, but He does?

I have really given this entire adoption process over to the Lord. I have control over certain things, but I simply do not have control over the majority of this process. I cannot control when it will happen, how it will happen, how it will be paid for, or who my child will be. I can either worry over these things I can't control, or I can trust that God will take care of the details, like He always has.

I'm not saying that God always takes care of things in the way that I would have wanted, but do I really want to be in control of everything in my life given my tendency to completely make a mess of things as we humans so often do? I don't think so. I'd much rather hand this situation over to God, and tell Him, I trust you!!!

I am so blessed by you guys and your willingness to participate in helping us in this process, whether it be through prayer, financial support, or encouraging words. Thank you so much for reading and keeping up to date on what's happening! We will be in a stage of waiting for awhile now, but it will not be idle waiting. We will be praying, working hard, learning, and using this time to draw closer to the Lord.

If you are praying, pray for an awesome Change Drive turn out! It is already awesome and we are in the very early stages, so that is a huge praise! Pray for our birth mom. Pray, pray, pray for her. Pray for our family, our little family of four and our extended family, that God will grant us the grace to love whatever baby is placed in our home unconditionally and wrecklessly. That our family will trust the Lord completely to care for us and that His hand in all of this will be evident.

Thanks guys!

Two Weeks Left!

Okay whoever has been praying that Josh and I complete our packet quickly, thank you, because it is totally working!!! I am finalizing and proofreading and double, triple, and quadruple checking it right now, but we should have it READY TO DROP OFF by FRIDAY!!! What?!?

We initially thought it would take us six weeks to finish, but we've plowed through it and worked very hard to get it done as soon as we possibly could. Though we are needing more in our adoption account to fund the homestudy, our packet is otherwise complete and nearly ready to go back to the adoption agency. This is a huge praise, a big step, and we are so thankful for your prayers and encouragement!

We now have TWO WEEKS LEFT in our Adoption Change Drive, and I was ecstatic to get my first bottle drop off today! Thank you Miss Pris for your amazing donation, even filling an extra huge container with change from her family reunion! You rock lady!

We will be keeping track of each person's donation so we can award a big fat THANK YOU PRIZE to whoever donates the highest amount in change! A $100 Fleming's Steakhouse gift card, courtesy of a wonderful donation (you know who you are, and I love you!)!

Get your change back to us by November 10th to be entered in the contest, and we will announce the winner soon thereafter! We know that you all would have been incredibly generous with this change drive even without the prize, but it wass a really fun and effective way to motivate people, and it is wonderful for us to be able to thank someone in a really nice way!!!

Remember, you don't have to have a baby bottle to participate, any old container/bag will do! Feel free to spread the word about our blog as well, as we would like as many people praying for our family as possible!

If you are praying, please pray for an awesome provision through this Change Drive. Pray that God will bring us just the right child for our family at just the right time. Pray for our birth family as they are out there struggling with tough choices and circumstances. On an unrelated topic, while I have you praying, I would also like to ask for prayer for a sweet girl  who was recently diagnosed with a very tough form of cancer at age 15. Her name is Katie and she has an incredibly hard road ahead of her, one that will require a lot of courage and strength. Please be praying that God will feel very close to her and her family right now!

Thanks guys!!!

Fundraiser Updates and Reminders!

 

 Josh and I got some great news today! Something we thought we'd be waiting on for weeks in order to turn in our adoption paperwork is actually going to be done tomorrow! What does this mean? It means that we will be starting our homestudy a LOT sooner than we had even hoped! We should (God willing) be ready to turn in our packet by November 10th! This is super exciting!

In the interest of full disclosure, this also means that we need to have the initial fundage (that is Josh's made up word that I apparently have taken on) just a tad sooner than we had planned if we want the process to keep rolling. If you will notice on the sidebar, we have already raised about $500! We need to be able to mail a check to the adoption agency in the amount of $1200 for them to start our homestudy. What is REALLY cool is Josh and I did an average of what each baby bottle holds, and it came out to about $23. We happened to pass out 30 baby bottles, equaling...wait for it...almost exactly $700! Wow God totally knew what He was doing there!!! 

If you are collecting change for our Change Drive Fundraiser, THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! You are playing an integral part in this adoption, and we are so grateful!!! We are also really excited to count it all up and announce the winner of the $100 Fleming's Steak House Gift Card! This is an awesome prize and we can't wait to see who wins it! Have your change back to us by Thursday, November 10th, and we will get to work counting counting counting!!!

In other news, we have had a GREAT response to the December Mini-Photo Session Marathon! We only have FIVE spots left, and we are praying that God fills them all! We will be working towards our adoption class registration fees, Match Book fee, and final placement fee (that's a lot of fees!). If you are interested in booking a photo session, do it today!

We are really, really thankful for all of the people who have offered their financial and prayer support during this time. We could not move forward in this process without it, and Josh and I hope you realize what a HUGE part you are playing in bringing our baby home. We hope you will have patience with us as we work to raise these funds, and continue to pray that God will provide what we need when we need it!

Thanks guys!

Check, check, check!

My life has started to revolve around a checklist. If you are unfamiliar with the adoption process, as I was until about a month ago, let me tell you a little about “THE CHECKLIST.”

The Checklist is the first piece of paper in a folder that sits on top of about three hundred other pieces of paper that hold the key to your adoptive future. It has, let me count…twenty-six items on it, all with little boxes next to them just begging for a checkmark, one of which is totally cheating because it has like seven boxes to check within it’s own box…what?!  Messed up. But anyways, these twenty-six items all need to be completed and checked off in order for the homestudy packet to be complete and ready to turn in to the adoption agency.

Let me clarify as well that these “boxes” that need to be completed aren’t just easy things that can be done quickly, some of them take weeks! Arg! But Josh and I have started plowing away at it and I am actually very proud of how many checks I have been able to make so far! Every check I do I feel like I am one step closer to my baby. That might sound really silly, but that’s how I feel.

Just to give you an idea of the kinds of things we’ve been doing, here is what we are working on or have completed so far…this is so boring but I would like this blog to be a bit educational as well as totally awesome and inspiring, so here goes. ;)

TJTA Temperment Analasys Tests (That took forever. So glad it’s done.)

More Papers to sign than when you buy a house (which is probably a good thing), including CPS and DPS Clearance Forms, Disclosures and Agreements, Financial Projection Sheets, Consents for Exchange and Information, yada yada yada

Family Budget Worksheet

Adoptive Couple Summary and Fact Sheet (I have never been asked to describe my personality so many times in my life)

Physician’s Report

Things to notarize (WHY don't I know a notary?!?)

Checks (the money kind, not the kind I’ve been whining about) made out to various entities

Family Assessment Guide (HOLY COW this is taking forever. It deserves one hundred checks, because that’s how many questions there are for both me and Josh to answer, and they are all in essay format. I actually finally finished mine today…now for Josh to finish his…see you next Christmas.)

Photocopies of marriage licenses and birth certificates

Descriptions of our home and neighborhood

Drawings from J* and E* of their family, including the new adopted baby (which by the way, is proving very difficult to get, being that my children are far too analytical and cannot believe they are being asked to draw a picture of a baby they have not met, has no specified gender or race, and quite possibly hasn’t even been conceived yet)

And this week, the goal is to get both of us fingerprinted so we can start waiting on our fingerprint clearance cards to come in the mail. I am also hoping that maybe, possibly, Josh will finish his portion of the Family Assessment Guide this week so I can start editing and maybe even printing it!

We're making progress. I wish I could wave a magic wand and have it all be done, but alas, my magic wand is out for a cleaning, and I am going to have to just suck it up and take it one thing at a time.

If you are praying for us, please pray that things will go smoothly as we continue chipping away at the paperwork. Please be in prayer for our birth family. Somewhere out there is a mommy who is going to be faced with an impossible decision very soon, and we are praying that God holds her close and gives her courage and strength beyond her imagination. Please be praying that God grants us patience and wisdom in making some big decisions, and pray for our financial situation concerning the adoption. 

Thank you guys so much for staying updated on the process!