Sunday Funday!!! DIY Headband Holder

Okay, the following post has absolutely nothing to do with adoption or any aspect of it. But I have decided that as our family grows, so should the blog! I think it would be just keen to do some fun, mostly pointless, some Pinterest worthy, completely random posts once in awhile, so I am going to start...drumroll please...Sunday Funday blog posts! Yay! (How excited are you?!?)

In preparation for the new baby (maybe adoptive mommies do nest after all!), and in an attempt to declutter some of the areas of our house, I have been searching the web (mostly Pinterest) for organizational tips and ideas. I decided to start small, and tackle something that can be finished in less than one episode of Victorious (because that's how time is measured in my house right now).

One of the worst Clutter Villains in my house is all of Eisley's hair do dads. Holy hair accessories, Batman. If you have a little girl, maybe you understand, but my little girl in particular happens to be blessed with not only a mother who loves to spoil her, but also two grandmothers who are not only head over heels in love with Eisley, they are also very crafty and just LOVE to buy and make her new hair "pretties" as she used to call them when she was a little pumpkin.

The result is a Hairtastrophe. We have attempted organizing before, but after a few months of pulling head bands out of a freezer bag, the bathroom ends up looking like Claire's exploded all over it. Eisley's Nana Robin  helped us immensely with our barrette issue by making her a very cute barrette holder, pictured here...

Though I need about six more of those to control her barrettes, if we're being honest! Out biggest problem, though, seems to be head bands. I have never seen a nice way to organize and display them for an easy morning "What do you want in your hair today Eisley" answer. UNTIL TODAY!!!!

By simply searching Pinterest, I found a project for me and Eisley to do together that would leave us with all of her (and my) headbands organized and looking oh so cute. And, Eureka! I had everything I needed in my house already! I didn't even need to take a trip across the way to Hobby Lobby, where I would have inevitably spent more money on the very hair accessories that got us into this mess in the first place. But I digress.

There are about a million different ways to make a headband holder, this is just one of the easiest! You can spruce it up with lots of do dads and what nots if you so desire, but I just wanted something fast and easy and something that matched my bathroom. And this fit the bill! ;)

Okay! So here is my (and Sissy's) very first blog tutorial (I am a little too excited about this)!

To begin, you will need:

-A girl with accessory overload
-One roll of paper towels
-A glue gun
-About a yard (I am estimating here) of cute fabric that goes with your bathroom
-A helper (this part isn't neccessary, but makes it so much more fun!)

And this part is optional because we didn't end up needing it:
-A ruler
-acrylic or spray paint
-paint brush

The girl with accessory overload, and my helper!

So, I had Eisley paint the ruler (this will be used to keep your headband holder from rolling off the counter, though we didn't end up needing it, don't tell Eisley). We used black acrylic paint.

Take your glue gun, your paper towel roll, and your fabric (full disclosure, I used an old nursing cover. It matched and it's all I had, and I won't be nursing the new baby...so...there you go!) and begin gluing the fabric to the roll. You want to pull it nice and tawt (is that a word? I feel like it is...) as you glue so it looks nice.

As you roll, you want to tuck the ends of the fabric into the holes on the end of the roll. Dab some glue there as well to keep it nice and tight.

I ended up with too much fabric and needed to do a quick trim!

To finish, just tuck in the ends and glue it down! Tada!!!

A Headband Holder! The site I found this on says you should then glue your ruler to the bottom to keep it from rolling. Ours didn't roll though, so I found it an extra and unnecessary step. But to each his own!

And here is Eisley with her new headband holder! Don't they look happy together?

We have literally no counter space whatsoever in her bathroom, so our Headband Holder resides above the toilet. Maybe I will add that ruler...

Kind of cute there actually!

And that concludes our first Sunday Funday post! If you would like to see the original site that I found this tutorial on (with much less words and no adorable little girl), you may click here. If you want about a zillion different ways to make one of these, go join Pinterest. See you there!

Target Needs More Black Babies

The day after we got "The Call", Eisley and I couldn't hold out a moment longer. We simply had to go to Target!!! Every time we go (which is a lot, we are Targetaholics), we spend awhile browsing the baby section. We ooo and ahhh over all the cute and adorable items, and both of us daydream about dressing up our new baby in cute clothes and buckling them into that cute little car seat. We simply have a divine time, and this particular time was of course the best yet!

We wandered those baby aisles for quite a long time, Eisley comparing items and telling me how I could get the best bang for my buck (she is very shopper savvy). ;) Since we don't know yet if we are having a boy or a girl, we couldn't actually buy anything, but let me tell you it took all the will power in my body (and hers) not to clear the place out. Every five seconds Eisley would say, "Ohhhhhh mommy!!! Just turn your head and you will be absolutely amazed at the cuteness of this dress!!!" and "Oh. My. Gosh. These. Are. The. CUTEST. Shoes. I. Have. Ever. Seen." It was quite amusing, and it is a shopping trip I will never, ever forget, even though we didn't buy a single baby item. ;)

As promised, we hit the baby doll aisle in search of a new dolly for Eisley. I promised her that when we got the call about our baby, I would buy her a dolly that would look like our new baby so that she could "practice" and do everything side by side with me when the baby comes home. As you can probably deduce by the title of this blog post, the baby we have been matched with is African American! I cannot wait to kiss those soft brown cheeks, and I was pretty excited to find a sweet little brown baby doll for Eisley that she could care for and love until our baby arrives. She was even more excited than I was, and we couldn't wait to browse through the dolls and find just the right baby for her.

When we arrived to the baby doll aisle, however, we were pretty disappointed to find that the selection of black baby dolls was extremely slim. And by slim, I mean there was one. ONE. Seriously? How, in an aisle with more than two hundred baby dolls, can there only be one African American baby? I was kind of appalled. I was even more appalled that I had been in that same aisle about a zillion times over the course of my life and this was the first time I was noticing it. There were lots of Hispanic dolls, mostly white dolls, and a Baby Tiana from Princess and the Frog. And then one, very cute, little black baby that struck Eisley's fancy just fine. She took it off the shelf, asked me if she could buy it, and was happy as a clam. But I realized, right there in the baby doll aisle at Target, that I had just experienced my first "Huh." moment as the mother of an African American kiddo.

We have been preparing for the possibility of becoming a mixed race family since we started our adoption process months and months ago. I've done lots of reading and talking to other families, and of course just praying that God would prepare our hearts for that. It seems He has decided to change the very face of our family by possibly adding a baby of a different race to it, and we could not be more excited about it! But I have to say, I am also nervous! I don't know how to raise a baby of a different race! What if I don't do it right? What if I can't figure out how to do my little girl's hair? What if I don't respond to every quizzical look the right way? Will I deal with the bigger "race issues" correctly? What if my sweet little girl is sad that there is only one baby doll in all of Target that looks like her?

I asked Eisley how she thought it would make her little sister feel if she only saw one black baby doll in all of those dolls. She said, "She will feel unique." I asked her if she thought it would make her sad, and she said, "No, it will make her feel special that all the black baby dolls have already been boughten."

:)

I hope so. And I hope that before that time, I am able to find a store that has a more diverse selection of baby dolls for our little one to choose from. But I learned an important lesson that day, and it is that I have to start being more aware of things like this. I have never had to before, I have always been in the majority. The majority has no need to notice things like the color of baby dolls. But we aren't in the majority anymore. We are becoming a multi-racial family! I have never had to be concerned over the color of Eisley's baby dolls, because she doesn't "need" a baby doll that looks like her. She is surrounded by people that look like her. Her mommy looks like her, her brother looks like her, her aunts and uncles and every single one of her classmates have the same skin, hair, and eyes that she does. She doesn't care what color her dolls are, but what if she was the only white person in her family? Might she take some small comfort in having a baby doll with the same skin color as her? I don't know. I do think that there is an unspoken security in being surrounded by people who look like you. And I think I'm going to have to start seeing the world through my child's eyes. And when I stood in that aisle at Target and looked at aaaaaall those babies and saw only one with dark skin, I wondered how that might make my child feel if he or she is already the only one in his entire family that has dark skin. Maybe Eisley is right, and it will make her feel unique. I just don't want it to make her feel alone.

I will be just as mama bear over our newest little one as I am with Jake and Eisley. I am looking out for my child now, and I will do that to the very best of my ability. Even if it means writing a letter to Target asking them to please add to their dolly selection. Because I really like shopping there, and I don't want to have to stop.

The Call (Part 2)

First of all, Josh and I want to thank everyone so much for your excitement and support!!! We have had so much fun reading all of the encouraging texts and messages on Facebook and the blog regarding the match. We are very excited too and love sharing in the joy with everyone! I wanted to write more about the hours following the call, mostly for my own benefit for down the road when the details become blurry. :)

After I got off the phone with the adoption agency, I went back into the movie theater. The kids both asked me (a little too loudly) why I had been gone for so long. "Were you in the potty that whole time!?!" Eisley asked.  Josh just looked at me and I could tell he knew something was up. I leaned over and said, "It was the adoption agency. We got picked by a birth mom." Josh raised his eyebrows and smiled and said, "Really?" I started to tell him some details, but realized it just wasn't gonna work in a dark, quiet movie theater with kids shushing us all around. ;) I told him we'd talk after the movie, and of course I have no recollection of how that movie ended!

We couldn't even make it out to the car without all three of them asking me a million questions, so right there while we walked to our car in the blazing parking lot of a movie theater, I told everyone that we got the call! We had been picked and the baby is due to come in 8 weeks or less! Jake smiled, Eisley said, "Yaaay!" and Josh said something to the effect of, "Cool dude." ;)

The whole way home I gave Josh details of the phone call. We have known for a few weeks that this potential birthmom was a possibility and we had been notified that we were being considered by her, so he knew the background of the situation since we have been praying for it for awhile. We discussed again the potential risks this baby was facing and how scary that was. We talked about how it was crazy that it was really happening. We smiled.

When we got home, we talked about who and how we should tell people. Only a handful (a very small handful) of people knew about this birthmom and had been praying for us, one of whom was my sister, so I knew I had to call her first (that, and I always call her first). I was so excited to tell her, but deep down in my heart and creeping around the back of my brain, I knew she would be the only person who would be realistically concerned over the scary possibilities this situation held. I called her and told her, "Well, we got the call, and we've been chosen by a birthmom!" She was thrilled and started to cry, and then I knew I had to tell her the rest. "Is this the same situation you've known about for awhile?" I took a deep breath and said, "Yes."

And it was quiet. For those of you who don't know, my sister is a pediatrician at a huge children's hospital here in town. I tell you that because she, just like me, has seen the worst case scenarios again and again. Once you have seen certain things, it is nearly impossible to be entirely optimistic about certain situations. I bit my lip as she very gently asked me if we were prepared to raise a child that "could potentially have major issues for the rest of its life" and if we truly felt at peace about that. She said absolutely nothing hurtful, she said it in the most gentle way she possibly could, and she spoke with love in her words, but right then, I lost it. I started bawling, unable to control the tears as they poured out of my heart. All of the fears, all of the possibilities of what could happen ran through my brain over and over. It was a very hard conversation. But it was one that I had to have. And it was one that I had again with Josh after I hung up with Lisa. And it was not easy at all.

If you are reading this blog, you know our history. You know that we are keenly aware of what can go wrong in a pregnancy. I no longer have the luxury of naivety. I lost that a long time ago, and even though this is not my pregnancy, this child is hopefully going to be my child, and I have those same anxieties that I did with all of the children I have carried myself. This particular pregnancy carries added risks, risks we aren't discussing with the general public, but risks that demand a lot of extra worry and prayer.

When Josh and I were approached with this situation a few weeks ago, we were asked if we would consider being presented to a potential birthmom with XYZ situations. We decided together that we weren't willing to flat out tell the Lord "No, we will not even consider the possibility that this is your will for us," so we agreed to be presented to her. We begun praying that day that the Lord would show us very clearly if this was His will, and if we were not the ones who were best fit to raise this child, that He would close the door firmly. And if we are being 100% completely honest here, I think we each hoped deep, deep down, that He would close that door. We were still holding out hope that we would get a call one day that a perfectly healthy infant with absolutely no issues or difficulties was born and ready to go home that day. ;)

Everyone wants the easiest, most carefree lives as possible. It's human nature! The unknown is so scary, but the unknown with the added risks we were facing was downright terrifying. And we had to accept that it is perfectly okay and normal to be scared! But it is not okay to disobey the Lord's obvious will for you just because of that fear. That is not an easy truth, and I can find a million different ways to excuse it and sugar coat that disobedience, but the fact is that if you know in your heart God wants something for you, and you ignore that, you are choosing a much harder path for yourself in the long run. And I can guarantee you are missing out on something amazing!

Josh and I both feel very strongly that God will equip us to handle any situation He gives us. We asked Him to make it clear to us where He wanted us, and so far He has been extremely clear! This incredibly brave mother chose us, and no matter what this situation might bring, we are committing to this child and are overjoyed that God is possibly choosing to bless our family with him or her! And after some tears and talking, my sister agreed completely. She is the best sister and auntie anyone could ask for, after all. :)

We decided we might as well share the good news, seeing as the baby is due in just a few weeks! Plus we had already told our kids, and six year olds are not best known for their secret keeping abilities. ;) Josh texted his sister and her husband (it was their wedding anniversary and we told them we got them a present!), I texted my brother, and called my parents. My mom was of course overjoyed, and I cannot tell you what a balm to my soul it was to hear her squeal with delight over her new grandbaby, even though she knew full well the whole situation. She was so encouraging, so happy, and after my conversation with her, I think that's when I really let myself get truly excited over this news. We were expecting a baby!

We planned to tell Josh's parents that evening, in person, as they were taking the kids for a couple hours so Josh and I could go out and celebrate our anniversary. At dinner that night, Josh and I discussed baby names (we have settled on a girl name, but are still tossing around boy names...sorry, they are a secret!!!). After dinner we went next door to Babies R Us and bought the baby a present, a little stuffed girraffe! Since we don't know if it is a boy or a girl (and probably won't until the birth), we had to find something neutral, and I just thought it was so cute!!!

We were seeing a movie (Men in Black III, for future reference) so we got settled in the theater but still had about 45 minutes before it started. What better opportunity than that to share the exciting news with my closest friends? ;) (I am realizing now how much of this monumental day has been centered around movie theaters and sequels...hmmm...) I texted a couple of my best friends and nearly killed my phone battery going back and forth with them over the news. If texts had a sound, these would have been LOUD!!! I could practically hear them squeeling even though they were miles away! :)

Josh had to practically rip my phone from my hands when the movie started, so I had to take a break from it and sit through an ENTIRE movie, which is not easy to do when you are so excited! ;)

Afterwards we went back to Josh's parents house to pick up the kids and give them their anniversary present (Yes, it was their anniversary too the next day! What is going on here!?!). That worked out nicely though because it gave us the perfect way to tell them. We wrote in their card that for their anniversary we got them a Pita Jungle gift card and a new grandbaby. ;) They didn't believe us at first, but when they did they were very excited!

So that ends our very exciting day. Later that night I wrote the last blog entry "The Call..." and that was how we announced it to the rest of our loved ones!

Today Eisley and I went to Target to scope out some baby gear. She was so excited and we just had the best time looking at things. We got the chance to talk together and I will have to do a whole individual post on that trip. ;)

Our family is obviously so excited over this new baby. He or she is actually growing as we speak, becoming who they are going to be forever! With our excitement, though, comes feelings I have a hard time describing. We have no control over what is happening to this baby, how they are being cared for, if they are okay or if they are going to be okay. It is really, really hard. We need your prayers more than ever for this child.

We are asking humbly that you guys be in serious prayers for this baby and his or her birthmom. Please pray for the baby's protection and health. Pray for birthmom's heart these next few weeks. Pray that both of them will get the care they need. Pray that this little one arrives safe and sound, and that God will prepare us for whatever lies ahead!

Thank you so much for your support of our family! We love you all very much!

The Call...

Last night as I was putting Eisley to bed, I asked her what she wanted me to pray for. She said the usual things, that we'd have a good family day, and that the baby would come soon. I said to her, "You know when would be a great day for a Baby Call? Tomorrow. Let's pray we get a call tomorrow!" Eisley smiled and said, "Okay!" And I prayed...

"Dear Lord,

Thank you so much for this wonderful day. Thank you that mommy and daddy have been married for eight whole years today. Thank you that mommy's surgery went well (more on that later...) and that I am still here to tuck in my babies. Lord, we have a family day planned for tomorrow and everyone is on vacation and tomorrow would just be such a wonderful day to get a Baby Call! Please Lord can we get that call tomorrow? Thank you for all of our blessings. Please protect our baby and bring them home SOOOON!

Amen"

I kissed her goodnight, and she thanked me for getting married to daddy so that she could be alive (it was our anniversary yesterday!). I then prayed a very similar prayer with Jake, and I kissed him goodnight, and I went to bed. I prayed before falling asleep, and I thought, what's the harm in asking? It can't hurt. So I asked that we would get a phone call tomorrow. We had a relaxing "family day" scheduled, it would be such a nice anniversary present, and I just couldn't think of a better time to get such happy news!

This morning I woke up and my first thought was, "Man I really need some pain meds." ;) But my SECOND thought was, "Today's the day." I just had a feeling. We had plans to take the kids to a movie (Summer Movie Fun anyone? We love it and do it every year!). We were seeing "Happy Feet Two." Josh got the kids ready and I took a little pain medication (for those of you that are just dying of curiosity, I had some minor surgery yesterday, all went well and all is well!) and we were all ready to go! It was just one of those perfect mornings. I sat in the movie theater with my husband and my children, and we were just happy, eating our popcorn and smiling and holding hands and laughing, and it was just perfect. I thought to myself, "I just love my little family so much. It cannot get much better than this." I think I even took a moment to update my Facebook status saying that very thing. ;)

We were about 40 minutes into the movie when I checked my phone (sorry movie goers, I'm a phone checker). I had a missed call from a restricted number...with a voicemail. That was the kicker. Restricted numbers can be anyone, and most likely a recorded voice of a politician I don't plan to vote for, but voicemails make my heart jump. I thought, "Don't get too excited. If it was the agency, they would have called Josh too." So I leaned over and whispered to Josh, "Did you miss a phone call?" He nodded and gave me a knowing look. I told him I was going to go downstairs and check my message just in case. But I knew. This was it. I just knew.

Sure enough, I had a message from our adoption agency, asking that I call back as soon as I could regarding a birth mother. So I tried to memorize the number, tried to dial it, fumbled it, tried to find a pen, called my voicemail again to get the number, realized my pen didn't work, cursed silently the screaming toddler who was making it impossible to hear the message, and then sat down. I took a very deep breath, and tried again. Finally! I got a hold of the Pregnancy Counselor, who gave me the news we have been waiting to hear for so long...a birth mother had chosen us, and if we want to, we will be officially matched with her!!!

So if you were able to read through that incredibly long introduction, or whether you skimmed down to the "Good Part"...here it is...we are OFFICIALLY expecting a baby in late July!!! Yes, you did read that correctly. :)

Because this is a very public blog, we will not be sharing many details here, but we did want to share this wonderful news!!! Our family is so excited, so thankful, and very eager to hold this little one in our arms very  very soon!!!

As I have stated many times, and as you all know, there is always a risk with adoption, that birthmom may change her mind and decide to parent, that the child could be born with small or significant special needs, and the list goes on. We are well aware of all of that, but feel confident that the Lord has led us down this path and He will equip us to handle whatever He gives us. This is much like a pregnancy announcement. We are overjoyed, we know the risks, and we hope you will rejoice with us! If things do not go as planned, we know you will grieve with us as well. But we are choosing to be optimistic, because it is just such a better use of emotion in my opinion. :)

We would appreciate so much your continued prayers for the entire situation. Again, we have chosen to completely trust the Lord in this, and though we cannot predict what will happen, we feel totally at peace with this match and we are so thankful to the woman who has chosen our family to parent her child. We could not be more excited, and we hope you will share in our joy!!!

If you are praying, we desperately want and need your prayers for this baby. Without going into detail, we are praying fervently for the health of this child. We are praying for the birthmom. We are praying for our family, both our little family and our extended family, that God will prepare our hearts to love this child exactly how they need to be loved! We are praying that God orchestrate the situation and that He will get the glory for it all!!!

This was an incredibly happy day for our family. We are feeling extremely blessed! Thank you so much for your prayers and encouragement! We still have quite a road ahead of us, but we are focusing on today, and today was such a good day.

:)

An Update and an End Date!

Yay! We finally finished putting the puzzle together!!! 

And here is the finished product!!!

 It is so cute! 

So now what? Well, now we start putting names on it! We are so excited that as of today we have sold 125 pieces to our puzzle! That is awesome! We have also continued to receive extra donations and have been blessed to be able to continue adding to this fund ourselves, helping us get so close to our goal!

We decided that we needed to put an "end date" on this fundraiser, as the baby could come any time now, and we'd love to have it framed and finished when we bring that baby home! (That, and when the baby does arrive, I know I will be way too busy with three kids to ever get this project done!) So, because Lily's birthday is coming up in just a couple of weeks, June 19th to be exact, we thought that would be a great time to wrap up this fundraiser! What a difference a year makes.

We are praying that this fundraiser will complete our goal and this adoption will be fully funded by the end of it! If you have been meaning to sponsor any puzzle pieces, now is the time to do it! We will begin writing names on pieces tomorrow! 

The last day to purchase pieces will be June 19th, after that we are going to frame it and hang it up in our home, ready to greet our new little one! 

Thank you so incredibly much for your support, both financially and emotionally, of this adoption. We have come such a long way since we started this road, and we can't wait to see what's next.

Don't forget, we are compiling notes and letters to our child and would love one from you! I have received such sweet words of love to this baby so far and I know they will mean the world to this child someday!

There are still PLENTY of pieces left, so if you would like your name or family's name on one, let us know before June 19th! Keep our family in your prayers as we continue to await a phone call. We will keep you posted!

Puzzle Progress!

I wanted to post a quick update on our Puzzle Fundraiser! I was so excited when the puzzle came in the mail this week! It is 513 pieces, and when it is done, it will look like this...

Our family finally had some time together this afternoon to get cracking on this bad boy, and we really made some progress!!!

That's a lot of pieces!!!

Jake and Eisley are GREAT at puzzles!

Josh did the edges!

This might be a new family hobby!

We definitely made some progress!

I'm so excited to see it all completed, but even more excited to see the back of it with all the names of people who sponsored a piece and helped bring our little one home! We have "sold" 49 pieces to our puzzle so far! Yay! 

If you are interested in sponsoring any puzzle pieces, remember they are only $5 a piece! If you are interested in being a piece to our puzzle, you can contact me through the blog, email, or facebook!

We are so thankful for your support and encouragement, and will keep you posted on our Puzzle Progress!!!

To Mother a Grave

I read an article the other day on a favorite website of mine for parents of children not here. It used a phrase that stuck with me in a profound way. "Mothering a grave." The author was talking about being torn between mothering her living child and "mothering a grave." I had never heard that term before, but the minute I read it I realized it so perfectly described something I just can't put into words. In three little words it portrays heartache, love, service, tears, tenderness, loss, loneliness, nurturing, protectiveness, and devastation. It puts into words what we so often cannot; what it is like to continue after burying a child.

Almost one year ago I began my journey of mothering a grave. I never, ever, in my wildest dreams thought I would outlive one of my sweet babies. When I think of cemeteries, especially that particular cemetery where all of my grandparents are buried along with Lily, I think of peace. Of death, yes, but more like finishing a long race. My grandparents were mostly very old when they died, after 80 or more years of fulfilling lives. I have been to a lot of funerals, many graveside services at that very cemetery, and they all had a tinge of sadness, but they also had a feeling of peace. Of a fight well fought. Of a book coming to a close after a satisfying story. Sad to see it end, but satisfied with the story that was told.

When we buried Lily there, I felt nothing of the sort. It was as if I read two chapters and just when I was getting excited to see how the story would unfold, someone ripped the only copy from my hands and burned it before my eyes. There was nothing peaceful about it. I was left standing there, flabbergasted, offended, empty handed.

I remember when each member of my family laid a lily on her tiny casket after the service. They each said a little goodbye. A little kiss,  a prayer, a gentle touch of her casket. Then it was my turn. Josh and I went together. I touched the little box that held my baby girl when I couldn't. I read the verse my father had inscribed on it when he made it for her. I put my lily down. And then I sobbed. I knew she was in there. I knew she was laying in that box with her little pink blanket and her teddy bear and her Bible. I knew she was right there. Just inches from me. But that I would never see her again. She was so close, but so. Incredibly. Far.

I believe with my entire heart that she is not in that box, that she never was, really. She is perfect and whole and in the presence of our Savior, and I know I will get to see her again. I will spend forever with that sweet girl. But I have a long road to travel here on earth before that happens. Years upon years, hopefully, before I am called home to be with her. And until that day, I cannot mother her the way I wish I could. I mother a grave instead.

What does it mean to mother a grave? It means putting the little energy you have left for your child into mothering the little piece you have left of your child. It means stopping by the cemetery on all the little holidays because it just wouldn't feel right if you didn't. It means fretting over grass that isn't coming in fast enough over the spot where she lays. It means carrying a spray bottle and a wash cloth in your car so you can clean up her stone in case you decide to stop by, because just like the toddler you don't have, it is somehow always getting dirty. It means buying flowers at Hobby Lobby whenever you go, because they'd look so pretty on her grave. It means sitting on the grass and staring at a stone you just polished holding flowers you know will be gone the next time you come, and crying. It means mothering your child the only way you can when they aren't here to mother.

I don't know how it is for every woman who mothers a grave, but this is how it is for me. It is sad. It is empty. It is not fulfilling in the way mothering Jake and Eisley is. It does not bring any rewards. It does not include any kisses or hugs or tickles or lisps or laughter. There are birthdays but there is no joy in them. Only the realization that you have gone one more year without them here. It is an anonymous task. No one knows when you have spent the morning mothering that grave. No one knows you just left flowers and a windmill for someone you know will never see it. There is no product of your tears, there is no pride in the one you have invested in. It is just you and that grave. But you mother it anyway, because that's what a good mother does. She invests her time and her tears into something because that is where a piece of her heart is.

I know Lily is buried there, but I know she is not there. So why do I go? Why do I clean it up and leave pretty things and take pictures now and then? Why do I feel a pull to that place when I know Lily has no idea I'm going and wouldn't care if she did? I think it is because Lily's little body isn't the only thing that was buried there that day. I left a piece of myself there. With her, in that little grave, is part of my heart. A piece of me that I miss so much sometimes.

I think I also just wish, so much, that I was mothering her the way I always planned to. But since I can't, I will mother her the only way I can. I will make sure her stone is clean. I will leave her lilies. I will make sure people who walk by her grave know someone misses her and loved her so much. I will do those things because it is all I can do for her. That, and live my life in a way that will honor her memory.

I am a woman who mothers two children in my home, and three in my heart. I do not have a tangible piece of two babies I lost so early they barely had time to exist anywhere else but in my dreams. But Lily fought on long enough for me to hold her, to marvel over her, to name her, to mother her, to bury her. She left something here for me to assure me she did, in fact, exist. I'm heartbroken at times, that I have nothing of her but a grave to mother. But I am also thankful that the Lord let me have her long enough so that I have something to remember her by. Something to visit, something to put my grief induced energy into.

There is a cemetery that holds a tiny grave that holds a tiny baby girl. Her name is there, set in stone. She always has flowers. She sometimes has toys. Her stone is always clean. Grass has sprouted where tears have fallen. She is remembered, and always will be, by her mother. For as long as I am here, I will mother that grave, because it is all I have left of her here on this earth. But someday. Someday I won't mother a grave any longer. I will mother the little girl I dream about when I am mothering that grave.


Revelation 21:4
"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death, or mourning, or crying, or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.