We have made a decision! After praying and discussing it, Josh and I have decided to apply to Christian Family Care Agency. We had a chance to look through the information they sent us this weekend, and I was blown away by how perfectly they seemed to fit our criteria.
CFCA is a Christ-centered agency and requires that the couples they place children with be born again Christians. We are asked to sign their very detailed statement of faith (which included a lot of wonderful Scripture), write out our testimonies as well as answer essay questions on what we want our children to understand about Christianity, send in a pastor's reference form, and be actively involved in a Christian church.
We were so impressed with all of that, plus the fact that they offer and require a series of classes on adoption, charge their fees on a sliding scale based on your income, and seem to really care about and take care of their birth mothers. We felt completely drawn to this agency and felt like they perfectly fit what we were hoping for in an adoption agency.
What's even cooler is after Josh and I decided to go with CFCA, a person I don't even know who found my blog through another adoptive mom commented on my post and recommended CFCA as that is the agency they are working with right now! I browsed through her blog, as well as another I found who is going through this agency as well, and both families are strong believers and are much further along in the proocess than we are so will be a wonderful resource as we move ahead!
Josh and I have also decided to pursue a domestic adoption, which I will explain more on later, but basically it is an adoption of an infant that has been surrendered by their birth mother. I want to emphasize that this is the direction we feel led in at this time, but we are completely open to whatever God has in store and know He might lead us somewhere else as we continue on this path!
We finished our initial application this evening and will be sending it to CFCA tomorrow! Things are definitely happening fast, but I will not get used to that because one thing I know for sure is that adoption is a huge lesson in patience and waiting on the Lord. We have waited this long, and we are ready and willing to wait some more. :)
We now just wait for them to review our application and give us a call. I don't know what will happen from here, but I definitely find myself very self conscience already about what they will think of our application and if we will be "good enough". But I am handing it over to Jesus and asking Him to close this door if it isn't right, and I know He would!
If we did get approved, we would meet with someone from the agency and then if we decided to go forward, we would start our classes and begin the very long and involved process of a home study. We would also get serious on raising money to fund our adoption! (Who am I kidding, I've been writing down ideas since we made this decision!) I won't go into detail yet on what it is going to cost us to bring our baby home, but wow God is really going to get the chance to show His provision! It is overwhelming to even think about, but I have complete peace that if this is the road He chooses for us, He will no doubt provide a way for us to walk it!
If you are praying for us, we are asking that God continue to light the next step in this process and give us peace about each decision if it is right. We are asking that He will close the doors that are not right and give us patience as we figure all this out. If we are approved by CFCA we are praying specifically for a kind social worker and for God to provide the funds for our required adoption classes and our home study, which will be about $1700 up front.
Thank you so much for your prayers and support as we try to be obedient in our call to adopt!
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Choices choices...
I'm a researcher. I love looking into every detail of every thing and finding out all I possibly can about something or someone. This is probably why I love facebook and am unhealthally (I don't think that's a word but it fits) addicted to Pinterest. A site devoted to looking up awesome stuff and saving it for future reference? Sign me up! Google is my best friend. When an issue comes up...I google it!
Google has answers for everything. Best BBQ place within five miles? GOOGLE! How many weight watchers points are in a Buffalo Chicken Salad from Chili's? GOOGLE! Jake has an odd pain in his left leg? Forget that my sister is a pediatrician, GOOGLE!
The awesome thing about Google is you get a million different answers in less than three seconds. You have instant direction, no waiting involved.
The bad thing about Google (if you're really looking for something...) is that it can be seriously overwhelming and when out of control, can take the place of prayer. Go with me for a minute.
Maybe I'm the only one, but when a big situation comes up (as in...I don't know...adoption) I tend to go straight to the internet. Give me all the information I can get so I can make an informed decision. To a point, I think this is smart. To a point. But there comes a time when you need to put the mouse down and pray.
Case in point: Josh and I are trying to make some serious decisions here. So we've decided to adopt, now what? There are a million types of adoption and a million different adoption agencies and all kinds of children from all parts of the world with all different backgrounds. How in the world are we supposed to know what the next step is?
So I did what I always do, I researched. Josh and I researched fost/adopt. We attended an orientation as I mentioned earlier and just did not feel comfortable with that situation. One option down, eight bazillion to go.
I started with researching international adoptions. I learned that different countries have different restrictions. So I researched the countries themselves. China was first on my list, as my cousin has adopted two from there and she was very happy with the process and her particular agency.
Turns out China requires parents to be at least 30 years old to apply, among other things (I feel it is my duty to let you know that China requires adoptive couples to have a BMI of under 40. Just a little interesting factoid.)
So since Josh and I are only 28, that ruled out about 3 million children and a few dozen adoption agencies.
Onto other countries. I eliminated them one by one based on required travel time (some countries require two visits of at least 2 weeks each, not a viable option when you have two children at home), cost of travel and stay, requirements by specific countries, etc.
The one country that stuck out to me was Korea South. They only require their couples be 25 years old, and the weight restriction is that you must not be over 30% above "average" weight. Phew. Just squeeked by! ;) The other cool thing was that unlike most other countries, Korea does not require you to travel to their country to pick up your child, they could be escorted to the States. I do think it would be really important for me to go visit the country our child is born in and see the sights and take pictures and spend some time there, but Korea does not require that both parents go, therefore at least one of us could stay with J* and E*. (And I have a sister who I know would travel with me!)
So if we chose international adoption, I believe I had narrowed it down to one country based on a variety of factors. But that was only if we chose international adoption. How would we know if that was where God was leading us? And even if He was, how do you then pick an agency? How do you pick a social worker to do your homestudy? Google was not helping me now.
So I researched private adoption. Agency adoption. Open adoption. Closed adoption. DES Adoption. Fost/Adopt. Like I said, the options are endless.
I threw down my phone with frustration and just closed my eyes. I told the Lord, "I have no idea what I'm doing. I cannot be trusted with such a big decision!"
I talked to Josh and tried to explain to him the ridiculous variety of choices we had and how very overwhelming it was. Josh, being Josh, did not seem the least bit shaken and very casually said something very casual that I don't even remember because it was of no particular help to me.
So I had a minor meltdown. I vented to Josh about how huge a decision this was and how I needed him to be completely on board yada yada yada. Basically, the minor meltdown ended with me realizing that maybe Josh wasn't overwhelmed because he wasn't overwhelming himself with information. So I decided to take a step back, put the mouse down, and just breathe.
I realized I had been spending more time googling than praying, and that is not a balance I want out of whack. I want to feel confident in the direction we are going because I know I am on the same page as the Lord and talking to Him on a regular basis.
I have done my homework. I know the options that are out there. I've inquired with different agencies. We feel like the next step is to just wait, and pray that God will open a door or light the next step.
Our goal is to bring a child into our lives and love them and give them a family and a home and a chance, to raise them up to love the Lord and to make sure they never for one day feel alone or unsupported or unloved. We want to work with an agency who is Christ-centered and has a mission statement we believe in, who takes care of their children and/or birth families, and who will support us and help us through this very daunting process.
So that is what we are praying for, and we will just have to be patient and see what doors God opens.
If you are praying for us, please pray specifically that God will show us the next step and we will feel total peace about taking it.
Until then, I am taking a bit of a Google break. ;)
Thank you again for your prayers and loving support! We are so thankful for them!
Google has answers for everything. Best BBQ place within five miles? GOOGLE! How many weight watchers points are in a Buffalo Chicken Salad from Chili's? GOOGLE! Jake has an odd pain in his left leg? Forget that my sister is a pediatrician, GOOGLE!
The awesome thing about Google is you get a million different answers in less than three seconds. You have instant direction, no waiting involved.
The bad thing about Google (if you're really looking for something...) is that it can be seriously overwhelming and when out of control, can take the place of prayer. Go with me for a minute.
Maybe I'm the only one, but when a big situation comes up (as in...I don't know...adoption) I tend to go straight to the internet. Give me all the information I can get so I can make an informed decision. To a point, I think this is smart. To a point. But there comes a time when you need to put the mouse down and pray.
Case in point: Josh and I are trying to make some serious decisions here. So we've decided to adopt, now what? There are a million types of adoption and a million different adoption agencies and all kinds of children from all parts of the world with all different backgrounds. How in the world are we supposed to know what the next step is?
So I did what I always do, I researched. Josh and I researched fost/adopt. We attended an orientation as I mentioned earlier and just did not feel comfortable with that situation. One option down, eight bazillion to go.
I started with researching international adoptions. I learned that different countries have different restrictions. So I researched the countries themselves. China was first on my list, as my cousin has adopted two from there and she was very happy with the process and her particular agency.
Turns out China requires parents to be at least 30 years old to apply, among other things (I feel it is my duty to let you know that China requires adoptive couples to have a BMI of under 40. Just a little interesting factoid.)
So since Josh and I are only 28, that ruled out about 3 million children and a few dozen adoption agencies.
Onto other countries. I eliminated them one by one based on required travel time (some countries require two visits of at least 2 weeks each, not a viable option when you have two children at home), cost of travel and stay, requirements by specific countries, etc.
The one country that stuck out to me was Korea South. They only require their couples be 25 years old, and the weight restriction is that you must not be over 30% above "average" weight. Phew. Just squeeked by! ;) The other cool thing was that unlike most other countries, Korea does not require you to travel to their country to pick up your child, they could be escorted to the States. I do think it would be really important for me to go visit the country our child is born in and see the sights and take pictures and spend some time there, but Korea does not require that both parents go, therefore at least one of us could stay with J* and E*. (And I have a sister who I know would travel with me!)
So if we chose international adoption, I believe I had narrowed it down to one country based on a variety of factors. But that was only if we chose international adoption. How would we know if that was where God was leading us? And even if He was, how do you then pick an agency? How do you pick a social worker to do your homestudy? Google was not helping me now.
So I researched private adoption. Agency adoption. Open adoption. Closed adoption. DES Adoption. Fost/Adopt. Like I said, the options are endless.
I threw down my phone with frustration and just closed my eyes. I told the Lord, "I have no idea what I'm doing. I cannot be trusted with such a big decision!"
I talked to Josh and tried to explain to him the ridiculous variety of choices we had and how very overwhelming it was. Josh, being Josh, did not seem the least bit shaken and very casually said something very casual that I don't even remember because it was of no particular help to me.
So I had a minor meltdown. I vented to Josh about how huge a decision this was and how I needed him to be completely on board yada yada yada. Basically, the minor meltdown ended with me realizing that maybe Josh wasn't overwhelmed because he wasn't overwhelming himself with information. So I decided to take a step back, put the mouse down, and just breathe.
I realized I had been spending more time googling than praying, and that is not a balance I want out of whack. I want to feel confident in the direction we are going because I know I am on the same page as the Lord and talking to Him on a regular basis.
I have done my homework. I know the options that are out there. I've inquired with different agencies. We feel like the next step is to just wait, and pray that God will open a door or light the next step.
Our goal is to bring a child into our lives and love them and give them a family and a home and a chance, to raise them up to love the Lord and to make sure they never for one day feel alone or unsupported or unloved. We want to work with an agency who is Christ-centered and has a mission statement we believe in, who takes care of their children and/or birth families, and who will support us and help us through this very daunting process.
So that is what we are praying for, and we will just have to be patient and see what doors God opens.
If you are praying for us, please pray specifically that God will show us the next step and we will feel total peace about taking it.
Until then, I am taking a bit of a Google break. ;)
Thank you again for your prayers and loving support! We are so thankful for them!
Givin' it to God!!!
Friday, September 30, 2011
WOW!!!
Can I just say...oh my gosh!!! The overwhelming amount of support and offers of encouragement and prayers and resources has been so awesome already!
Josh and I have THE BEST friends and family! I love you all so much and am so thankful for each of you that are a part of our lives.
This will be a short entry, but I just had to share that every time I check my phone I have a new message from someone giving me a resource to look into or an offer of prayer or just an encouraging word, and it is wonderful. Thank you guys so much, and I hope you all stick around. :)
I will end this entry with something Jake and Eisley said when we had our Family Meeting about adoption...
Eisley: "I would like to adopt a baby. Our family has so much love in it, that any baby would be SO lucky to live in our family and have all the love that we have. Also I would like a BABY baby, one who still needs a bottle. Because I have always wanted to feed my baby brother or sister with a bottle."
Jake: "Wewll, all I know is, I would like to adopt a baby. I have always wanted to watch a human develop fwom the vewy beginning stages."
;)
Josh and I have THE BEST friends and family! I love you all so much and am so thankful for each of you that are a part of our lives.
This will be a short entry, but I just had to share that every time I check my phone I have a new message from someone giving me a resource to look into or an offer of prayer or just an encouraging word, and it is wonderful. Thank you guys so much, and I hope you all stick around. :)
I will end this entry with something Jake and Eisley said when we had our Family Meeting about adoption...
Eisley: "I would like to adopt a baby. Our family has so much love in it, that any baby would be SO lucky to live in our family and have all the love that we have. Also I would like a BABY baby, one who still needs a bottle. Because I have always wanted to feed my baby brother or sister with a bottle."
Jake: "Wewll, all I know is, I would like to adopt a baby. I have always wanted to watch a human develop fwom the vewy beginning stages."
;)
What Now???
Well, Josh and I attended what we thought would be a very enlightening orientation tonight on foster care and adoption. We were both hoping to get some direction, get some questions answered, and maybe, possibly, hear God's voice audibly tell us exactly what He wanted us to do. Yeah, that didn't happen...
The only thing we came away with this evening is that we are definitely NOT being called to foster at this point in our lives. God bless those who are though. It breaks my heart thinking of how many children and teens are left without a place to stay in such a time of need. I think this is something Josh and I just might be called to do down the road at some point, but we both feel like this is not that time.
I walked out of there feeling pretty discouraged actually. I was having an internal discussion with God that went something like: "Okay. Maybe I heard you wrong. I mean, I felt pretty confident that you wanted us to pursue adoption...but this is just not feeling right. A little help? Please?"
As soon as we got in the car and Josh headed for In & Out, I checked my email and lo and behold, my dear sweet cousin, Lisa, who I can honestly say is probably the kindest person I know (who also took the beautiful pictures of Lily you see on this blog) had emailed me a response to some questions I sent her a few days back.
Lisa has been blessed with six children, two of whom she adopted from China. Her email was incredibly encouraging and answered a lot of my questions. I felt like it gave me some much needed optimism and also led me and Josh to really consider international adoption.
We have not by any means made a decision, but we aren't in any hurry and are feeling like God still wants us to keep our minds open to our many options and see what happens.
Right now we are trying to talk to people who have adopted and ask questions about their experience and why they chose it. Why did you choose domestic? Why did you choose international? Why did you choose the agency you chose, and how did they support you during the process? How did you cover the cost or raise money for your adoption?
SO...if you are reading this and you have answers to my questions or know someone who has answers to my questions, I would be so grateful for any input or advice or resources you might have.
Lots of big decisions. Lots of research to do. But most of all Josh and I are really praying and staying in the Word and just seeing where God leads us.
Thank you for your prayers and your support, it means a lot to our family. We will keep you posted!
The only thing we came away with this evening is that we are definitely NOT being called to foster at this point in our lives. God bless those who are though. It breaks my heart thinking of how many children and teens are left without a place to stay in such a time of need. I think this is something Josh and I just might be called to do down the road at some point, but we both feel like this is not that time.
I walked out of there feeling pretty discouraged actually. I was having an internal discussion with God that went something like: "Okay. Maybe I heard you wrong. I mean, I felt pretty confident that you wanted us to pursue adoption...but this is just not feeling right. A little help? Please?"
As soon as we got in the car and Josh headed for In & Out, I checked my email and lo and behold, my dear sweet cousin, Lisa, who I can honestly say is probably the kindest person I know (who also took the beautiful pictures of Lily you see on this blog) had emailed me a response to some questions I sent her a few days back.
Lisa has been blessed with six children, two of whom she adopted from China. Her email was incredibly encouraging and answered a lot of my questions. I felt like it gave me some much needed optimism and also led me and Josh to really consider international adoption.
We have not by any means made a decision, but we aren't in any hurry and are feeling like God still wants us to keep our minds open to our many options and see what happens.
Right now we are trying to talk to people who have adopted and ask questions about their experience and why they chose it. Why did you choose domestic? Why did you choose international? Why did you choose the agency you chose, and how did they support you during the process? How did you cover the cost or raise money for your adoption?
SO...if you are reading this and you have answers to my questions or know someone who has answers to my questions, I would be so grateful for any input or advice or resources you might have.
Lots of big decisions. Lots of research to do. But most of all Josh and I are really praying and staying in the Word and just seeing where God leads us.
Thank you for your prayers and your support, it means a lot to our family. We will keep you posted!
Thursday, September 29, 2011
What Led Us Here
So...I'm going to venture a guess that there are more than a few of you who saw the title of our blog and gasped, "Adoption?!? When did that happen???" And if you didn't gasp, maybe you just don't known us personally but would still like to know what brought us here.
Let me start out with a little background. Josh and I have been married for over seven years. We were blessed unexpectedly with twins about a year-and-a-half after we were married. I was twenty-two years old, and to be frank, incredibly naive about what a miracle getting pregnant and giving birth to a healthy baby, much less two, actually was. I never worried about miscarriage or loss, and looking back I completely took for granted that my babies would be born healthy. I do believe I even complained about swollen ankles and lack of sleep for about a 38 weeks straight. If I could go back and slap my former self, I would. That's what loss does to you, it makes you envious of the naivety of others. Angry at the gall some women have, to actually complain about the miracle occuring inside them. But...I was once one of those women, and I certainly didn't intend to be that way, nor do I judge pregnant women who utter understandable complaints now and then, but when I think of the times I whined and moaned about stretch marks, I literally cringe with embarrassment and regret.
To our great joy, my twins, a wide-eyed baby girl and a cherub-faced baby boy, were born totally healthy, weighing in at seven pounds, one ounce each, and completely perfect in every conceivable way.
Fast forward about five years...to make a veeeeery long story short, Josh and I had been through some stuff, big hard stuff that forever changed our marriage and ourselves, but stuff that God was able to use to strengthen our commitment to each other and our faith in Him. We renewed our vows in April of 2010, with J* and E* there to be a part of it.
Those two children bring us more joy and laughter than I ever thought possible, and I absolutely adore being their mother to the very core of my being. Josh and I knew we wanted to have another baby and (being the naive woman that I still was) I knew it wouldn't be that hard or take very much trying really, considering how easily (and let's face it accidentally ) I got pregnant with the twins.
Lo and behold, one month later I was pregnant! Easy peezy lemon squeezy, as E* so eloquently puts it. We were so excited! And I have to tell you, it felt so good to actually be excited about being pregnant instead of terrified! I told Josh I was pregnant by writing "#3 is on the way" on a three of hearts in the deck of cards we were playing rummy with one evening, and when I dealt him that particular card he stared at it and said, "Wow that was fast!"
We were going to wait to tell our families until my 14th week, not because I thought anything would happen (naive, remember?) but because my 14th week happened to fall on Jake and Eisley's fifth birthday, and how perfect would it be to announce it to our families than having the kids open up adorable Big Brother/Big Sister shirts?!? Perfect.
Ten weeks later, I found myself staring at an operating room ceilling while tears poured out of my eyes, and that naivety I've been talking about? Gone forever.
After our miscarriage, we were devastated. We had been convinced it would be a girl and we were going to name her Gracie. Her very creation was a demonstration of God's Grace, and we thought it fitting. We still refer to her as Gracie.
And now one child of mine was waiting for me in Heaven.
It took us six months before we even considered the thought of trying again, it was so painful a loss for us. One consideration later, I found myself pregnant again. Much more cautious this time, I told Josh by whispering it to him when he was half asleep at one o'clock in the morning. Ohhhh how I prayed for that baby! I was terrified of losing it. The moment I saw the stick turn pink I got down on my knees (literally) on the bathroom floor and begged Jesus to take care of this baby.
We told everyone we knew almost immediately because we so desperately wanted their prayers. I was a wreck. I vowed to never ever utter even one complaint about my incessant morning sickness and rapidly expanding waist. After the first trimester passed, I finally let out the breath I had been holding for twelve weeks. I had made it! Phew! Everything was fine, and I could finally enjoy my pregnancy.
I adored being pregnant! I took pictures of my belly every month and loved getting fatter and nearly cried with joy every time E* would sing her special lullaby to the baby. We took them to our ultrasound and found out it was a girl! We were ecstatic, all four of us, and that was just one of the best times of my life. J* and E* were so excited and we couldn't wait for them to meet her. If you are one of the lucky ones who got to watch E* announce she was having a sister on facebook, you understand how very excited we all were.
Josh came with me, though he nearly didn't, to a routine ultrasound to check baby girl's growth. The moment the tech put the probe on my belly, I knew. There was no flicker, no movement, nothing. The tech told me she was so sorry, but she didn't see a heartbeat. My perfectly normal, healthy baby girl had just stopped living...just stopped. No explanation (at that time), nothing I could do. It was just...over.
The next two days were a living nightmare filled with pain from the inside out. It was painful telling our children that their baby sister had died, even though they literally prayed she wouldn't die every single night (there is nothing as awful as watching your child question their child-like faith). It was painful calling our families and friends, painful knowing I had a baby inside me that was no longer alive, and though it seemed incredibly unfair, it was extremely physically painful being induced to give birth when my body did not understand why.
Lily Grace was born sleeping on Father's Day, tiny but perfectly perfect. She had gotten tangled up in her umbilical cord which we learned had caused her death. She had features that reminded us so much of her brother and sister, and we were so blessed to get to spend time holding her, singing to her, praying with her, and introducing her to our family. We have some beautiful pictures and memories of our time with Lily, and though she was with us for such a short time, she left a mark on this world and on many people's hearts that will not soon be forgotten. I know I will never live another day without thinking about her and missing her. I will not understand God's reasons this side of Heaven, but the peace He gave us in that delivery room and in the months that followed only strengthened my belief that He is right here with me, every moment.
And another one of my babies was waiting in Heaven for me.
This loss was different. We had an actual little body, so we needed an actual funeral and there was a much more public grieving process. We have never been more aware of how blessed we are by so many family and friends than after we lost Lily. Our support system is unbelievable, and I am so thankful for it!
(Copyright Naomi Fugit Photography)
We were told to wait three months to try again, and that we did. Without discussing it or even venturing to hope that things would be okay, we got pregnant again. And before we could say faith, the Lord took that baby too.
And another one of my babies is waiting in Heaven for me.
So...here we are. We have thought about adoption in the past, not ever had a serious conversation about it really, but after three losses and the desire to grow our family still strong, we were at a crossroads. When I was still pregnant with this last little one, God had actually brought someone into our lives that straight up asked us the question: "Would you ever consider adoption?" And even though it made absolutely NO SENSE considering I was PREGNANT at the time, for some reason I could not get it off my mind!
Surely the best thing I could do at that moment was tell Josh the situation and my thoughts, as I knew he would immediately shut me down and jerk me back to reality with a stern, "You're pregnant woman! Stop talking crazy!" But lo and behold...he didn't!!! He was completely open to it, and even though it made no sense to either of us, we agreed to do some serious praying about it. Which we did. And God kept tugging at my heart. Whispering. Adoption. Adoption. Adoption. This door was just open a crack, not wide enough to walk through, but there.
After our third loss, it was as if God swung that creaking door wide open and said, "Walk!" So here we are.
We feel confident of only one thing, that God has told us to take the first step. It might not make a lot of sense and we certainly don't know what we are doing or where we are going, but our desire is to follow Him. To glorify Him with our obedience, and, to be completely honest, add a new little one to our family that we can love and cherish and kiss and snuggle and raise up to love our Lord as much as we do.
If you are reading this blog, you are pretty lucky, because you get to be a part of our journey from the very beginning. And I have a feeling that God is going to do some pretty awesome things along the way.
We are asking for prayer, lots and lots of it, and for your support and love as we start this walk of faith towards our child that I just know is out there.
Stay tuned...:)
Let me start out with a little background. Josh and I have been married for over seven years. We were blessed unexpectedly with twins about a year-and-a-half after we were married. I was twenty-two years old, and to be frank, incredibly naive about what a miracle getting pregnant and giving birth to a healthy baby, much less two, actually was. I never worried about miscarriage or loss, and looking back I completely took for granted that my babies would be born healthy. I do believe I even complained about swollen ankles and lack of sleep for about a 38 weeks straight. If I could go back and slap my former self, I would. That's what loss does to you, it makes you envious of the naivety of others. Angry at the gall some women have, to actually complain about the miracle occuring inside them. But...I was once one of those women, and I certainly didn't intend to be that way, nor do I judge pregnant women who utter understandable complaints now and then, but when I think of the times I whined and moaned about stretch marks, I literally cringe with embarrassment and regret.
Fast forward about five years...to make a veeeeery long story short, Josh and I had been through some stuff, big hard stuff that forever changed our marriage and ourselves, but stuff that God was able to use to strengthen our commitment to each other and our faith in Him. We renewed our vows in April of 2010, with J* and E* there to be a part of it.
Those two children bring us more joy and laughter than I ever thought possible, and I absolutely adore being their mother to the very core of my being. Josh and I knew we wanted to have another baby and (being the naive woman that I still was) I knew it wouldn't be that hard or take very much trying really, considering how easily (and let's face it accidentally ) I got pregnant with the twins.
Lo and behold, one month later I was pregnant! Easy peezy lemon squeezy, as E* so eloquently puts it. We were so excited! And I have to tell you, it felt so good to actually be excited about being pregnant instead of terrified! I told Josh I was pregnant by writing "#3 is on the way" on a three of hearts in the deck of cards we were playing rummy with one evening, and when I dealt him that particular card he stared at it and said, "Wow that was fast!"
We were going to wait to tell our families until my 14th week, not because I thought anything would happen (naive, remember?) but because my 14th week happened to fall on Jake and Eisley's fifth birthday, and how perfect would it be to announce it to our families than having the kids open up adorable Big Brother/Big Sister shirts?!? Perfect.
Ten weeks later, I found myself staring at an operating room ceilling while tears poured out of my eyes, and that naivety I've been talking about? Gone forever.
After our miscarriage, we were devastated. We had been convinced it would be a girl and we were going to name her Gracie. Her very creation was a demonstration of God's Grace, and we thought it fitting. We still refer to her as Gracie.
And now one child of mine was waiting for me in Heaven.
It took us six months before we even considered the thought of trying again, it was so painful a loss for us. One consideration later, I found myself pregnant again. Much more cautious this time, I told Josh by whispering it to him when he was half asleep at one o'clock in the morning. Ohhhh how I prayed for that baby! I was terrified of losing it. The moment I saw the stick turn pink I got down on my knees (literally) on the bathroom floor and begged Jesus to take care of this baby.
We told everyone we knew almost immediately because we so desperately wanted their prayers. I was a wreck. I vowed to never ever utter even one complaint about my incessant morning sickness and rapidly expanding waist. After the first trimester passed, I finally let out the breath I had been holding for twelve weeks. I had made it! Phew! Everything was fine, and I could finally enjoy my pregnancy.
I adored being pregnant! I took pictures of my belly every month and loved getting fatter and nearly cried with joy every time E* would sing her special lullaby to the baby. We took them to our ultrasound and found out it was a girl! We were ecstatic, all four of us, and that was just one of the best times of my life. J* and E* were so excited and we couldn't wait for them to meet her. If you are one of the lucky ones who got to watch E* announce she was having a sister on facebook, you understand how very excited we all were.
The next two days were a living nightmare filled with pain from the inside out. It was painful telling our children that their baby sister had died, even though they literally prayed she wouldn't die every single night (there is nothing as awful as watching your child question their child-like faith). It was painful calling our families and friends, painful knowing I had a baby inside me that was no longer alive, and though it seemed incredibly unfair, it was extremely physically painful being induced to give birth when my body did not understand why.
Lily Grace was born sleeping on Father's Day, tiny but perfectly perfect. She had gotten tangled up in her umbilical cord which we learned had caused her death. She had features that reminded us so much of her brother and sister, and we were so blessed to get to spend time holding her, singing to her, praying with her, and introducing her to our family. We have some beautiful pictures and memories of our time with Lily, and though she was with us for such a short time, she left a mark on this world and on many people's hearts that will not soon be forgotten. I know I will never live another day without thinking about her and missing her. I will not understand God's reasons this side of Heaven, but the peace He gave us in that delivery room and in the months that followed only strengthened my belief that He is right here with me, every moment.
(Copyright moodphotographyaz)
And another one of my babies was waiting in Heaven for me.
This loss was different. We had an actual little body, so we needed an actual funeral and there was a much more public grieving process. We have never been more aware of how blessed we are by so many family and friends than after we lost Lily. Our support system is unbelievable, and I am so thankful for it!
We were told to wait three months to try again, and that we did. Without discussing it or even venturing to hope that things would be okay, we got pregnant again. And before we could say faith, the Lord took that baby too.
And another one of my babies is waiting in Heaven for me.
So...here we are. We have thought about adoption in the past, not ever had a serious conversation about it really, but after three losses and the desire to grow our family still strong, we were at a crossroads. When I was still pregnant with this last little one, God had actually brought someone into our lives that straight up asked us the question: "Would you ever consider adoption?" And even though it made absolutely NO SENSE considering I was PREGNANT at the time, for some reason I could not get it off my mind!
Surely the best thing I could do at that moment was tell Josh the situation and my thoughts, as I knew he would immediately shut me down and jerk me back to reality with a stern, "You're pregnant woman! Stop talking crazy!" But lo and behold...he didn't!!! He was completely open to it, and even though it made no sense to either of us, we agreed to do some serious praying about it. Which we did. And God kept tugging at my heart. Whispering. Adoption. Adoption. Adoption. This door was just open a crack, not wide enough to walk through, but there.
After our third loss, it was as if God swung that creaking door wide open and said, "Walk!" So here we are.
We feel confident of only one thing, that God has told us to take the first step. It might not make a lot of sense and we certainly don't know what we are doing or where we are going, but our desire is to follow Him. To glorify Him with our obedience, and, to be completely honest, add a new little one to our family that we can love and cherish and kiss and snuggle and raise up to love our Lord as much as we do.
If you are reading this blog, you are pretty lucky, because you get to be a part of our journey from the very beginning. And I have a feeling that God is going to do some pretty awesome things along the way.
We are asking for prayer, lots and lots of it, and for your support and love as we start this walk of faith towards our child that I just know is out there.
Stay tuned...:)
The First Steps...
Welcome! If you are reading this, for one reason or another I believe the Lord wanted you to be here. Maybe you are a family member or friend of ours who wants to stay updated and has committed to walking this journey with us and praying for us along the way. Maybe you are a friend of a friend and are only curious, or maybe you found this blog by "chance" and are on a similar journey of your own. Whatever brought you here, we invite you to walk with us and see what God does! We have absolutely no clue where we're going or how we're getting there, so it should be an interesting walk if nothing else! But what's awesome about our God is He might not reveal everything to us when He asks us to "Walk" but He never, ever leaves our side!
He has asked Josh and I to walk, to walk in faith, and to be vessels that reveal His glory in the process. We will not do this perfectly and I can almost guarantee that we will stumble along the way, but we are praying that by obeying Him and just taking it step by step, that awesome things will come of it!
So...here we go. We only ask that God lights the next step, one at a time.
He has asked Josh and I to walk, to walk in faith, and to be vessels that reveal His glory in the process. We will not do this perfectly and I can almost guarantee that we will stumble along the way, but we are praying that by obeying Him and just taking it step by step, that awesome things will come of it!
So...here we go. We only ask that God lights the next step, one at a time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)