Testing, testing (34 week update)

Well, I'm not officially 34 weeks, but this is the only time I have this week to update the blog, so I jumped the gun by a couple days. Forgive me. :)

Last week we began the gauntlet of testing that will continue until the baby is born. Because of my history along with my pre-existing Polymyositis, they are keeping a really close eye on things, for which I am very grateful. I now go into the hospital every Tuesday morning for what's called a "Non-stress test", in which I am hooked up to a monitor and they measure baby's movement, heart rate, and my contractions for about 30 minutes. I then go down the hall for an ultrasound where they check fluid levels, position of the baby, and generally how things seem to be going in there. Ever Friday, I go to the hospital again, but only for the non-stress test. I am now down to weekly appointments with my OB, and those are usually on Wednesdays, and then once a month I still go in for a special ultrasound to measure baby's size and a few other factors. Whew! Makes for very busy weeks!

Physically, I feel great. I hurt my back last week which has been somewhat annoying, and on some days a bit more than annoying, but I'm not even entirely sure its pregnancy related, so hopefully a visit to the chiropractor will fix me right up. I am definitely growing...a lot! But I've been told this baby is quite the chunky monkey and may just close in on nine pounds or more, so a big me is to be expected! Let's remember the days when I was lugging around more than 14 pounds of baby, shall we?

38 weeks pregnant with  Jake and Eisley

Ahh. Memories. I have had a few comments to the effect of "Oh my! It must be getting harder and harder to walk around now!" To which I fight the urge to whip the above picture out and say, "Not as hard as it was back then!!" ;)

Currently, I am pretty comfortable (but probably only because I compare everything to the twin pregnancy, and that pregnancy was as far from comfortable as one can possibly get), and enjoying this baby and all that comes with it, even if it means lots of tests and hospital visits. I don't mind one bit, and I love the reassurance of seeing the baby alive and well so often.

I will say, it hasn't been without its struggles. My testing is done in the same place where I had to go after I found out Lily had passed away to get an amnio. I remember vividly sitting in that same waiting room with Josh, feeling completely empty and like I might never feel happy again. That's not a feeling you forget easily, and this place tends to trigger those emotions for me. My ultrasounds are in the same room as I had that amnio with Lily, where I laid in the dark and watched her still body on the screen. I remember how the nurses cried with Josh and me as the doctor did that test. I remember chanting "My poor baby" over and over again as I watched her on the screen, not wiggling, not doing anything, and how I was still concerned the doctor might accidentally poke her with the needle. It is one of my worst memories in my entire life, and it wasn't easy going into that room again, even under happy circumstances.

Jake and Eisley got to come with me for the first ultrasound in "that" room, and honestly that made it a lot easier for me to be brave and face those awful memories head on. They had no clue what had happened in that room just two years before, how they were sitting in the same chair their daddy sat in while he sobbed and held my hand. They just bounced up and down, anxious to see "their" baby on the ultrasound screen. One of the coolest things was when Eisley said, "Look mommy! A lily!" Sure enough, I looked behind me to see a framed picture of a lily on the wall. And the ultrasound began, and there was our baby, looking perfect and healthy, and things couldn't have been more different than that awful day two years ago.

This morning's tests went perfectly. The baby was active and behaving nicely. I went in for my ultrasound, in that same room, and of course I just couldn't help but feel that twinge of dread and sadness I felt on a much larger scale back then. I have been blessed to have very few moments of panic the last few weeks, but when the tech started to look at the baby, there were these five seconds or so when I could not spot the heartbeat at all. She was looking right at the baby's chest, but I saw no familiar flicker. I kid you not, I almost lost it right there. I knew that the baby had a heartbeat only one minute prior to this, one minute! But there I was, positive that the baby had just died and I was experiencing some horrible Twilight Zone episode where the same awful things keep happening in the same awful room. This room must be cursed!!! I was thinking. I literally told God "I cannot do this again, I will not." And just then, there was the heartbeat. Who knows why I hadn't seen it before, the ultrasound tech certainly wasn't one bit concerned, so I then reasoned that I had probably been looking at the baby's head. But those five seconds...ugh. They were hard.

Pregnancy after so many losses, it is filled with moments like that. You are no longer able to believe the best, you can't. Your mind goes to the worst possible scenario at the slightest sign of trouble. It's just hard, it just is. But, on the flip side, I appreciate every single moment with this baby so very much more than I ever would have if my history was different. Every kick I feel is a rush of joy and thankfulness. Every single one. I have times where the baby has been napping for a half hour or so, and I start prodding at it, trying to get it to move and tell me it's okay in there. The moment it does, I have to hold back my tears. I let out a breath and just say, "Thank God, thank you God, thank you so much." It borders on the ridiculous really. But I don't care, and if you have been where I've been, you understand completely.

And now to the good stuff! In case you are wondering, no, we haven't officially decided on names yet. We have a "short list", and each of us has our favorites, but they are subject to change until that birth certificate is signed! Hopefully this baby will have a name by the time they arrive, but I'm not making any promises.

Here is the most recent picture of mommy and baby, each of us growing steadily! ;)

And here is the most recent picture of our little peanut! Though he or she is so NOT a little peanut anymore, and was fondly referred to as "quite the chunker" by the ultrasound tech this morning. ;)

Well...who do you think this baby looks like? Because I am of the opinion that this baby has Jake and Lily's exact pouty lips! Just look at the comparison!

Jakey

But, the upper portion of the face...that's all Eisley! This baby has her nose, for sure. :)

Eisley

We do make cute babies, there is no doubt about that. :) 

Thanks so much for continuing to pray for us and this baby. We are getting so close to holding this little one in our arms, and while we are trying to enjoy these last few weeks as they are, that day just can't come soon enough!!

32 Week Update :)

I just wanted to give those of you who are following our little surprise blessing an update on his/her status! ;) I got to have a growth scan today (as I do every four weeks) and was SO looking forward to it, as I haven't had an ultrasound in a month! I am ultrasound spoiled being high risk and getting to have so many, my fridge is PACKED with pictures of this baby spanning from a spec to a gummy bear to a full on baby looking human!

Anyways, at my appointment this morning my doctor let me know I'm measuring a couple weeks ahead (or rather, baby is, as I have only gained a few pounds thankyouverymuch). She said I might go a bit earlier than anticipated, or we just might have a chunky monkey growing in there!

I went from there straight to my ultrasound and it was so wonderful and comforting to peek in at this little one wiggling around. He or she is quickly running out of space! We got some great shots of baby today and even got a couple in 3D! Some people are very weirded out by the 3D ultrasound pics, but I think they're so cool! Baby looks just like Jakey!!!

They also measured baby at 4 lbs 11 oz already (holy cow! Chunky baby!!!) and based off of that and my measurements, we're keeping our fingers crossed that maybe this baby will make an early appearance when Josh has two weeks off for Spring Break in March haha! A girl can dream can't she?!?

Physically, I am feeling really good! I'm tired of course after a long work day, and definitely feeling more whale like, especially when trying to roll over in bed, but overall I feel fantastic and I'm enjoying things as much as possible. I know the hardest is still ahead, but I also know I will never get as big or miserable as I was with the twins, so that's comforting!

Emotionally, I have had a really great couple of weeks. God has been so good to ease my fears and allow me to enjoy the pregnancy so much more. I have not struggled as much lately and have a real peace about things, and at times I actually let myself believe we really will have a baby in our arms in a couple months. I am hopeful and trying to be optimistic, but of course those doubts and fears can creep in when I least expect them.

My doctor has been wonderful at keeping a really, really close eye on me and baby to help ease the anxiety. She was with me through my pregnancy with Lily and my last miscarriage, and knows how hard this pregnancy has been on me emotionally. Next week I start weekly ultrasounds and twice weekly non-stress tests to make sure baby is doing well in there. At the first sign of trouble, she will yank that baby right out (her words). ;) That makes me feel a lot better, and hopefully will make these last few weeks a little easier on my heart!

I will leave you with a recent photo of my pregnant self in all its glory, as well as a few of our creepy 3D ultrasound pics (which I still find super cool). Thank you so much for your prayers and encouragement!!!




Here's a picture from last week...

And here is a picture from today! We be poppin'! ;) 32 weeks! Never in a million years thought I'd make it this far!

Here is a 3D picture of Baby Harrison's cute little face! Remind anyone else of Jakey???

Here is another 3D picture, a side view of baby's profile with his or her hands in front of the face! Look at that cute little chubby chin!! ;)

Last but not least, I had to include this acrobatic shot of the baby touching his or her foot to its nose! That's a big foot! Must get that from daddy. ;)

Fear

I was perusing a popular pregnancy website the other day. When I clicked on the home page, the first thing I saw was an image of a very pregnant woman (belly button popped out and everything) with the headline "Don't Stress About These Pregnancy Fears".

Hmmm. Well I certainly spend a fair amount of time stressing about pregnancy fears. Maybe this article would be helpful to me! It said it had a list of the top ten pregnancy fears and why they shouldn't be stressing you out. Perfect! This must have been written for me.

I clicked on the article, and with each so-called "common fear" I read as I went down the list, my eyebrows got closer together and my mouth slowly dropped open until I looked as if I was trying to read the article in Swahili (I don't speak Swahili). Let me give you a little recap.

One woman said her number one fear, her number one fear in her pregnancy, was that her nose would get larger. She said she had a friend who's nose nearly doubled in size during her pregnancy, and now she was terrified of the same thing happening to her. The website's response? To validate her fears and let her know that most likely, her face would go "back to normal" once the baby was born. That woman was so lucky she didn't have me responding to her "number one fear", as I would have taken three pages to rip her a new you-know-what and tell her that if her biggest fear is her nose getting bigger, she needs to crawl out of the hole she lives in and spend five minutes with a mother who has buried her baby and would cut her own nose right off if it meant having them back.

Let's move on. I also read a chilling account of a soon-to-be mommy expressing her fears that her baby might be born a hermaphrodite. She had seen something on the Discovery Channel about it and now was gripped with fear that her baby might have the same fate. Oh to have a baby with a pagina. A fate worse than death.

Don't get me wrong, I have thoughts such as these cross my mind now and again. Working at a children's hospital, I see some pretty strange things and now and then I wonder, "How in the world did that happen? I wonder if my baby had nail follicles instead of hair follicles on their head, if they would have caught that on the ultrasound?" It's of course normal to have these fears, I mean I think it is, but to have them be your biggest fears? I wish I could live in that world again.

The article didn't disappoint me entirely. Well, it did actually, but it did at least touch on fears of actual validity, such as losing the baby. Finally, a fear I can relate to! I read on as a woman expressed her choking, constant fear that she might lose the baby, and how powerless she felt to do anything about it.

Yes! I was nodding to myself as I read. That is exactly how I feel!!! What will Dr. Pregnancy Website have to say to this? I read on as they comforted said fearful woman and told her that while her fears may be warranted, she shouldn't let them rule her every thought. Pretty good advice, I suppose. Some I could probably use, definitely. But then...they told her that once she made it past 14 weeks, her risk of loss is actually only around one percent, so fear not.

Well that's just wonderful. And maybe, if I had not been in that one percent, this advice would be comforting to me. One thing I have learned through our losses is that statistics are only comforting if you are usually in the majority. I can tell you right now, Josh and I are never in the majority when it comes to statistics. What are the odds you'd conceive twins while on birth control? Slim to none! Bam! Foiled! What are the odds that after a healthy twin pregnancy, we'd have issues thrice over in having another baby? Boom! Foiled! What are the odds we'd lose a perfectly healthy baby girl to a freak cord accident at 20 weeks, when everything else seemed perfect? Ha! Made the one percent again!!! What percentage of babies are not diagnosed with a fatal brain absence until after they are born? I don't know, but whatever the number is, it is minute, and we nailed it.

So...to be told by pregnancy websites, doctors, friends, and family, that the odds of losing the baby I am now carrying at almost 30 weeks with no previous signs of trouble are slim to none...honestly all it makes me want to do is point out all of the odds we have beaten in the past, and not in a good way. I remember when I was in the hospital bed just after giving birth to Lily, my doctor came in to talk to me about what had happened. I remember asking her if we could try again for another baby, or if that was just stupid, and she told me, "Karen, if this were to happen to another baby of yours, you two should go out and play the lotto, because the odds are a billion to one that it would happen again."

Three months later I miscarried. One year later we sat in a NICU conference room while doctors told us Ember had an incredibly rare brain abnormality and would not live. Maybe we should play the lotto...

Now I understand what my doctor was actually saying, that the chances of another one of my healthy babies dying in utero from a cord accident were so small they weren't even calculable. But when you are constantly beating the odds in a tragic way, that doesn't really help much.

These past couple of weeks have been so hard for me. I don't know what happened around 28 weeks, except the baby's odds of making it outside the womb became really good, but that's when I really started to struggle with having this baby still inside me. I am constantly torn between wanting to stay pregnant forever because I truly do enjoy so much of it, like feeling the baby wiggle and squirm and kick and change positions all throughout the day, how Jake and Eisley moon over my belly and talk to it in these high pitched baby voices that make me laugh, how much I treasure each of these moments because I felt I have been robbed of them with previous pregnancies, and wanting this baby out as soon as humanly possible, because I feel it would be safer in a NICU incubator than it would be trapped in my body that has taken a tendency to destroy my children before they are born. I don't trust my body with this baby, and I hate that I can't tell what's going on in there.

If the baby is quiet for more than 20 minutes, I start panicking and poking and prodding at my belly trying to get just one little movement that tells me it's still alive in there. I literally hold my breath until I can feel something. On the flip side, when the baby is super active and I can feel it flipping around or changing positions, I start freaking out that maybe it is getting itself tangled in its cord and I actually start talking to the baby and telling it to calm down. I wake up at night randomly and wonder how long it's been since the baby moved, and I don't go back to sleep until it does, even if it means crawling out of my warm, comfy bed and drinking a cold glass of water to shake things up in there.

No article I have ever read about pregnancy has been of any comfort to me, because they are always throwing out these statistics, saying how the risk of intrauterine death is so slim by such and such a week, or how repeat stillbirths are virtually unheard of, or how most women experiencing loss go on to have perfectly healthy pregnancies. Well...those just don't ease my fears one bit. We've been on the wrong side of those statistics too many times.

While the Bible doesn't say a lot about pregnancy related fears, it does have a lot to say about fear in general. Like, a lot. These are just a few verses I cherry picked on the subject...

Isaiah 41:10 says, "...do not fear, for I am with you..."

Isaiah 41:13 says, "...do not fear; I will help you..."

Isaiah 54:4 says, "Do not be afraid..."

Psalm 56:3-4 says, "When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid, what can mortal man do to me?"

Well...that's pretty clear I guess. Do not fear. What can man do to me anyway? Not a lot! Except...my fears have little to do with what mortal man can do to me, and a lot more to do with what God will choose to allow in my life. So, instead of dealing with those fears head on and really handing them over to the Lord, I have tried to protect myself from them entirely.

I spent all of my first trimester and much of my second keeping this pregnancy and this baby at arm's length. I wanted nothing to do with the fears of losing it, so I just spent most of my time assuming I would lose it, which in my head would make the loss much easier to bear when I did. But, as baby grew, as my belly grew, as this child's kicks and wiggles and hiccups became completely undeniable as it shouted to me, "I'm in here mommy! You can't ignore me anymore!!!", I simply couldn't shelve my pregnancy anymore. I had to take it down, open it, and deal with all it entailed. And now that I am within spitting distance of the possibility of actually holding this baby in my arms, alive, now that I can actually picture what it might be like to introduce him or her to Jake and Eisley and watch them cuddle and swoon over this baby, I want nothing more than to protect those dreams. When you realize there is something you want more than anything in the world, fear is inevitable. I truly don't believe you can love anyone or anything on this earth without the accompanying fear that it might be taken from you. 1 John 4:18 says, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear..." 

What that says to me is, when you love, you will fear. But that love should be so great that it drives the fears out, makes them insignificant compared to the love...that love wins. Not that fear doesn't exist, or shouldn't exist, or that we are wrong to feel it or struggle with it, but that fear should never win.

 It was a pretty big milestone to come to love and want this baby, but now that I do, I am gripped with fears of losing it. It is a trade off. The verse does not say, "There is no fear when love is concerned." It says that there is no fear in love. I think they absolutely compete with one another daily. But perfect love drives out fear. That's a promise. Would I go back to the place where I felt detached and unemotional over this pregnancy if it meant I wouldn't deal with these fears every day? Let me be absolutely clear when I say...never.

What mother would trade the overwhelming love they have for their children just so that they didn't have to experience the heartache those children bring? When they are hurt, when they are naughty, when they walk away from the Lord, when they disappoint you, when they move far away, when they hurt you...when they die.

As mothers, we know what is on the line. We know how much power our children have to absolutely destroy our hearts, yet we also know what the reward is. We know the power they have to fill us with so much joy we feel our insides might explode. We know how they can create such pride in us that we simply swell up until we're nearly floating off the ground. We know how a hug or a kiss or an "I love you" can heal even the deepest wounds of the day. We know how they can create purpose in us we never knew we were capable of.

And because of that...we take the good with the bad. We fight the fear if it means we can love. We take the heartache right along with the happiness, and we don't even think twice about it. The problem is, sometimes it is just easier to let the fear win. When fear wins, we feel less vulnerable. As if, when things do go wrong, maybe it won't hurt as much if we've already been letting the fear take over. If we love without abandon, if love wins, won't it hurt more if my fears become reality? Honestly, yes, that might be true. But think of all you will have missed out on. I missed out on more than half of my pregnancy because I let fear take over. I refused to let love into that part of my life. That is time and experiences I won't get back, ever. By letting love win, we open ourselves up to so much joy, even if we do open ourselves up to the possibility of hurt. Isn't it worth it? Isn't it always?

Some of my children came to me unexpectedly and quite frankly against my will. Some of my children were so wanted and so desired and so dreamed about that I absolutely ached to have them, while others were surprises that took quite a bit of time to accept. Some of those children I got to hold, some I did not. Some I met, some I won't meet for a long time. Some of them lived, and some of them died. Some break my heart with their absence, and some piece it back together with their giggles. Each of them taught me something different. Each of them brought me their own set of anxiety and worries, joys and happiness. All of them were loved. All of them came with a set of new fears.

And all of them were worth it.

As these last 7-10 weeks of this pregnancy stretch out before me, I know I will continue to struggle with my fears. Part of me is saying, "Slow down and just enjoy this part of your life when you carried this baby! It won't last much longer!". Another part screams, "Get this baby OUT of me where I can see it and touch it and know it's okay and intervene if something goes wrong!!!" Those two parts of me fight with each other daily. What is comforting to me is that this baby is blissfully unaware of the war his or her mommy is fighting with herself. They have no idea about the children that came before it and how my experiences with each of them will shape the kind of mommy I am. At least one of us is sleeping well at night! ;)

Physically, I feel really good, and if you ask me how I'm doing, I will say I'm doing really good. This pregnancy has been very good to me, especially compared to the only other pregnancy I've experienced this long, which was the twins. I tell people this ain't nothin' compared to what I went through with those boogers! But oh my goodness what a difference the two experiences have been emotionally. With the twins, I don't remember ever being so gripped with fears of them suddenly dying inside me. I have no recollection of worrying about things like cord accidents or unexplained intrauterine death, my only concern was that they'd grow big and strong and come out before I killed myself. And they did! So I didn't know any different. This baby has not taken the same toll physically at all, but my emotions have taken quite a beating.

One thing I know for sure is that when I do get to hold this little one, if I am blessed enough to hold them alive and screaming in my arms, it will take half-a-dozen medical staff to rip that baby from my hands so they can clean it up. I honestly don't know if this baby will ever get put down, between his or her crazy mother and Eisley. ;) It will definitely not want for love and attention, that's for sure. Jake and Eisley have no trouble in that department, and they were two of the children who came to us...well...let's just say they were a surprise. ;)

So, as each day goes on, I continue to fight those fears and let love take over. I am working hard to let God do what He does, and remember that I am not in control of anything except my own responses. I'm praying and asking for the safe arrival of this baby, but I also know that God has things in mind that I can't see and can't understand, so I have to trust Him with whatever happens. I know that these fears will only be traded in for new ones after the baby arrives, so I better figure out a way to deal with them! And while I feel my fears of losing this baby might be a bit more valid than being terrified of my nose doubling in size, I think we all have fears in our life that we need to deal with.

So...while fear is inevitable if we love anyone or anything...if there is a desire in our hearts for something and we struggle with the fears we might not get it...if something in our life is causing us so much anxiety and fear that it consumes us each day...we need to ask ourselves...Is fear winning? Or is love?

Let love win today.



1 John 4:18

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear..." 

Rounding Third!

Well, I cannot believe it, but here we are in the third trimester! I don't know about you all but this pregnancy has absolutely flown past me at light speed. Of course there were days that crawled by at a snail's pace (those days usually precede an ultrasound), but all in all I really feel like it has whizzed by. Josh says he feels like it has gone crazy slow, so I guess we don't all feel that way. ;) We are still throwing names around, but it is an educated guess that this baby will be in our arms before he or she has an official name.

Josh and I are excited to be co-teaching a series at church on Wednesday nights called "Love and Respect". If you haven't taken this series by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, I highly recommend you do!!! We've been through it a few times and it is just packed with awesome truths and realistic help on improving your relationship with your spouse. We were so honored to get the opportunity to assist with this semester's class alongside a couple my parents have been friends with since high school, so we're really looking forward to learning from them and getting to share a bit about what God has done in our marriage over the past nine years (I CANNOT believe we have been married nine years...holy cow I am getting old!!! Just kidding I got married when I was a teeny tiny baby).

When we met with the couple we will be doing this series with, we talked a bit about how when you are following God's leading to share His truths and beginning on a new path (such as teaching this class), it is always inevitable for Satan to do his thing and try his best to distract you, frustrate you, and build barriers between you and your spouse and you and the Lord. They told us to be on the lookout for such things, and to be extra vigilant in praying for each other and staying close to the Lord.

Well what do you know, yesterday we had a major distraction and roadblock! I came home from dropping the kids off at school (and let it be known, I decided to just wear my pajamas since I wouldn't be getting out of the car anyway and who would really see me? Big mistake moms! Never do this!!!), when I drove back up to the house to see my garage door wide open. I am really, really paranoid about making sure it closes when I leave and always checking it in my rearview as I drive away, so I knew something was off.

I parked in the driveway and with the car still running, texted Josh the following...

"So I definitely for sure closed the garage leaving today but when I came home it was open. Hopefully I don't die by a robber."

I felt this would at least alert him to something possibly being wrong if I didn't send a follow up text in a minute or so. I decided the garage probably just popped open on its own after I left because maybe a leaf or something blew into the sensor (it has been knowing to happen). I got out of the car and with cell phone in hand (I don't know what I thought I would do, throw it at them?), cautiously walked up to the door. I noticed something in my path that I knew hadn't been there when I left, so then I really felt something was up. I opened the door about two inches and peered inside to see my dog sitting quietly on the living room floor...and my living room TV missing.

I immediately ran back to my car, got in, drove down the street, and called 911. I told the operator what I had seen and she promised to send out some police right away. She then asked me if we normally lock the door from the house to the garage, and I said no, and she went on to tell me, "You should really think about doing that."

Wow. Thank you so much for that advice.

When I hung up with her, I suddenly became keenly aware of what I was wearing. Just so you can get a good illustration in your head, I was wearing brown ugg type house slipper boots, pink and grey animal print pajama pants, a non-matching hot hot hot pink sleep shirt, and a blue jacket. I had not brushed my hair, just thrown it into a ponytail, and my face was in its glorious 7 a.m. splendor, no make up to be seen. I quickly thanked the Lord that Eisley had demanded I at least put a bra on to drive them to school, because otherwise I may have felt it necessary to risk my safety running back into the house to put one on before the police showed up.

Anyways, when they got there, they searched the house (in a very from the movies, guns out, shouting to "come out with your hands up" way), and let me back in to look over the damage. Surprisingly, the only thing I noticed missing was our TV (I later noticed Josh's air compressor from the garage was also stolen). This was an absolute miracle because we had cash on the counter I was planning to deposit that day, and a number of other things just sitting out in the open, including our cameras, ipods, and video game systems that were left completely untouched. The robber even went so far as to carefully and nicely pull the cords out of the TV instead of cutting them, which was so thoughtful of him.

The worst thing the intruders seemed to steal yesterday was our sense of safety. We feel so crazy blessed that God protected the rest of our belongings and especially that no one walked in on them (in her pajamas, with nothing but a pink sparkly cell phone to protect her). God was good to us and really spared us from a load of heartache and headache, so we are feeling pretty lucky.

I would like to take a second to tell you how they got in, because apparently it is a very common practice and had we known, we could have easily protected ourselves and avoided it, so maybe ya'll should too. What they do now is drill a precise hole in your garage door and open a flap big enough to stick a crow bar or tool like it through the hole to pull the red hanging rope that hangs from your garage door opener. This disables the opener and allows you to manually pull the garage open easily. It is meant as a back up for when your opener motor goes out, but we had no idea burglars use it for that purpose. The cops told me we should immediately remove the rope, which we did, but you all should go do the same! And of course, take extra precaution to lock the door leading to your house, which we now will do religiously, along with adding a dead bolt and alarm system.

We are also using this as an opportunity to better secure our house, which we have been meaning to do for awhile now. We're thankful it didn't take something worse to give us that push to add an alarm and security doors, but this was definitely enough for us to do so!!!

The hardest part of all of it was telling the kids. Eisley especially has already been struggling so much with fear ever since the school shooting at Sandy Hook. She is a very, very inquisitive little girl and wants to know every detail of everything. We protect her from things she doesn't need to know, but we also don't lie to her. Lies beget lies that just beget more lies, that is a lesson we have learned the hard way in our marriage, and have promised never to lie to our kids. They have a way of finding out the truth, and if they then feel they cannot trust us, we have lost something incredibly important in our relationship with them.

So, even though I was terrified to do so, I told the kids on the way home from school what had happened. I did my very best (praying the whole time God would show me what to say!) and gave the information in the least threatening way I could. I talked about how those robbers did not want to hurt anyone, which is why they came when no one was home, they just wanted to steal stuff. I told them God protected our family and a lot of our things and we were really blessed. I told them mommy and daddy were going to change a lot around the house to make it safer, like getting an alarm and installing some new doors and windows. I told them it would probably feel creepy for awhile knowing someone was in our house, but that all we could do is better prepare ourselves and pray that God would take away our fears. I told them it would probably take some time to feel normal in the house again, but that eventually we would.

They seemed to take it pretty well. Jake said those guys were jerks, and Eisley was glad they didn't steal her baby dolls. We had some issues later with them feeling scared and her "not feeling safe anymore". But, we knew that was coming. We're taking it a day at a time! And we are trying to praise God in this mini storm! We are so thankful He protected us like He did and did not allow it to be much worse. But like Eisley said, it still feels creepy. ;)

In lighter news, we got to see baby again today!!! It was my 28 week growth scan, and baby is doing great! Everything looks right on track, and this little one is weighing in at a hefty 2 pounds, 9 ounces! I brought my mom and sister with me today, so they got to peek in on baby which was fun. He/she was asleep so didn't entertain us too much, but we got a few nice pictures! Here is one I will share. That's my baby's precious lips and nose, and that there is his or her elbow up by his or her face (I am so ready to know if it is a his or her elbow!). Apparently it is trying to see if it can, indeed, touch its nose to its elbow. Good luck sweety!

And as an added bonus, here is a picture from the outside! Mommy and baby at 28 weeks. Yay for the third and final trimester!!!

We are in the home stretch!!! Only 10-12 weeks left with this little one inside me. We absolutely cannot wait to meet you baby! But we also want you to cook as long as you need to, so don't rush now!!! :)

Happy New Year and an update!

So I was going through some old blog entries to see what life was like a year ago and what my reactions were to the new, upcoming year. It is so funny because even in the first paragraph, it still holds true for this year! I wrote "Happy New Year! I am really excited to see what 2012 holds for our family. Josh and I were talking about how every year we think to ourselves, "Well, that was a REALLY hard year. Hopefully this next one will be easier." And every year we look back and say...NOPE! ;)"

Well...that still applies haha! God blessed us with many trials (Ember Rose, an unplanned pregnancy, big changes in our adoption plans), and many blessings (Ember Rose, an unplanned pregnancy, and provision for our adoption though the plans have changed a bit!). I would not say this has been the hardest or even in the top three hardest years I've ever faced, and that is either because it was just easier overall or we are just getting much better at handling what gets thrown at us. ;)

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas! We certainly did! Jake and Eisley got spoiled rotten as always, and we had a great time with our new expanded families (two new additions this year with my brother and my sister both getting married!). We once again talked about how next Christmas we'd have a new little one to share the holiday with, and Jake reminded me that we have been telling him that for the past three years so  he will believe it when he sees it. Poor buddy!

Speaking of the little one, things are going very well! The pregnancy is progressing perfectly and I am happy as a clam at this point. I'm in the very comfortable "honeymoon" stage of things, where I'm not having the nausea anymore and I'm not quite big enough to be uncomfortable but I still get to enjoy the perks of being pregnant (people are so nice to pregnant ladies!). ;) Baby is growing slowly but surely, somewhere over two pounds now and about 14 inches long. Mommy is growing too! This picture does not show my face as I have had a nasty cold for a few days and ain't nobody want to see what I look like right now. ;) But this is me and baby at just over 26 weeks.

We're getting there! I am enjoying so very much feeling the baby move and kick. I feel like things are going too fast and I'm trying to soak in every minute! I was telling a friend the other day (who also has had some losses) that I wish no mama ever had to experience pregnancy loss, but that every mama could appreciate a pregnancy the way you do after loss. I have seen friends (and I used to be one of them!) who just absolutely hated being pregnant and couldn't be done with it sooner. Of course I have my moments when I can't wait to see and hold this little guy or girl, but I appreciate so much how precious this time is and how it can be all taken away in the blink of an eye. I want that baby in there and to keep cooking for quite awhile still! Eisley of course completely disagrees with me and wish time would fly by much quicker. She can't wait to get her hands on this baby!

Anyways, this was just a quick little entry to wish you all a very Happy New Year, and to give you a quick update on the little one (who still remains nameless due to my incredibly picky husband and children who poo poo on every name suggestion I've ever given). Thank you for your continued prayers and love! I'll see you in 2013!!!

All five of us...Christmas Eve 2012

My thoughts on it all...

Sometimes, there are just no words.

Yet, it seems everyone has something to say about the tragedy that occurred yesterday. While most of us weep for the families of those who were killed, while all of us hold our babies a little tighter and rush home a little faster to see them safe and sound, some of us are using what can only be called a massacre of children as a platform to defend our own stances on guns, gun rights, gun control, and separation of church and state. I see pictures posted all over facebook of things that make me shake my head and wonder why we can't just spend five minutes loving on these families instead of turning our noses up and essentially touting a big fat "I told you so" to the world. Whether they believe guns should be outlawed or our kindergarten teachers should carry around semi-automatic rifles during recess...the sentiment is the same. "If things were the way I wanted them to be, this never would have happened."

I'm sorry, but can we just for a few moments put aside our own agendas and grieve with these families? Could we maybe use this as an opportunity to show the world God's love and mercy and hope instead of using it as an opportunity to bombard them with heartless and insensitive remarks and pictures? How about instead of posting that quote about your right to own a gun you maybe post some of God's words of encouragement from Psalms or Corinthians? How about instead of going on a three paragraph rant on how if we had stricter gun laws those children might be alive today you maybe stop for a second and remember that they are not. No amount of facebook ranting will bring them back. But maybe some encouragement would do someone a bit of good.

Yes, everyone has an opinion. Yes, everyone has a right to it. And being that we live in America, I am sure the topic will be debated publicly and voted on and everyone will get a chance to be heard. But for goodness' sake, these babies have not even been buried by their families yet. Is now, right this second, really the time to start such heated and angry debates? People's hearts are so very, very raw right now. Emotions are running higher than ever. Just ask yourself, "Who am I benefiting by saying this? By posting this? Is it those around me, or is it just me? How would I feel if the mommy of one of those small children who were gunned down read what I am posting right now? Would I want her to see this today?"

I could get into a heated debate right here on this blog about which side of the fence I am on, but to be perfectly honest, I just don't know. I have moments where I want to strip every single American of their gun and blow them up in a giant atomic bomb so that I never again have to worry about my baby being shot dead during circle time. I also have moments where I want armed soldiers guarding their school parking lot so that they can shoot evil men like this on sight before they ever have a chance to touch my baby. I have no idea where I stand on the issue, when it comes right down to it. I just want my babies to be safe. I don't know where I stand. I just don't know. This is what I do know...

I have two children that are the exact age of those who were murdered yesterday. My children are also in the first grade. I dropped them off yesterday morning with a quick kiss, a "Have a good day" and "I'll see you tonight." So did those parents.

I went to work, fully trusting that my children were safe in the care of their teacher. So did those parents.

I went home after work and hugged my babies and tucked them in.

Those parents will never, ever do that again.

Jake and Eisley have a Christmas program coming up next week. So did the children who died. As the room mom at their school, the teacher and I have begun planning for their Christmas party next week. What kinds of things were planned for the class party of those children? Had they already made ornaments as a surprise for their parents, as mine have? Had they been practicing their parts in the Christmas play for weeks, singing their songs loudly in the car on the way to school, as my children do?

What have they left behind for their families? Messy rooms and crayons strewn all over the house. Clothes that needed washing and juice boxes that didn't get thrown away the day before. Unwrapped Christmas presents hidden in the closet of their parents' bedroom. Wrapped presents under the tree that will never be opened. Disney princess cereal bowls sitting in the sink from breakfast. An elf on the shelf doing something silly that made them laugh that morning. Action figures and legos stuck in crevices of their mom's minivan. Christmas advent calendars stuck on December 14th that are a piercing reminder that time has stood still in their homes. DVRs filled with Christmas movies and reruns of iCarly and Ninja Turtles. Refrigerators covered in artwork and alphabet magnets.

This is what would be left for me, if it was my children who didn't come home yesterday. It is impossible for those thoughts not to absolutely tear my heart to pieces. Those poor mommies. Those daddies who feel it is their job to protect their children...my heart aches for them.

What about the adult victims? I couldn't help but think about all of my close friends who are teachers in public schools, in their late twenties, just as most of those adults were. I thought about what it would be like to learn that one of them had been killed, that they had been gunned down along with their students in the very place they use their gifts to care for and educate the children they love. At a time in their lives when they would be getting married and thinking of starting families of their own. In a place they worked so hard to get to and took such pride in what they did.

We live in such a broken, broken world. If you are reading this blog at all you know my personal beliefs, you know that I am a Christian and you know the general stance I take on most topics, even if you don't agree with me. I'm sure you could venture to guess which side of the gun debate I'm on (though you'd all be mostly wrong, as again, I just don't know). You can predict that I will end this blog with a verse and give a message about trusting the Lord in the midst of deep tragedy. I posted only a week ago about the heartbreak of burying children and how incredibly hard it is to find purpose in their sudden deaths. I could go on and on about the whole thing and give you my personal opinion on each and every reason I think this happened and how it could be prevented in the future and how these parents could ever possibly find a way to get up in the morning...but that isn't the point, and this isn't the time.

Right now I am talking to Christians...those who share in my beliefs and claim the Lord as their own Savior as I do...an incredibly evil and wicked thing happened yesterday. Lives were shattered, destroyed, changed forever. It is so raw, so new, we are only beginning to process our grief. Those families will be doing so for the rest of their lives. Could we, please, show them the love of our Lord during this time? Could we show it to those around us who are utterly confused and angry over what happened? Could we remember that there are so many people watching us, watching how we react to "our God" allowing such evil to occur? Could we remember that it is not our calling to shout "I told you so!" from the rooftops of America and blame the fact that "God was kicked out of schools long ago" for the evil actions of one man? Could we put aside our opinions on guns and focus on the real issue here, and if you are a Christian you cannot tell me it is guns. It is the brokenness of our world and the hope Christ offers if we trust in Him. Could we use this tragedy as an opportunity to share the Good News of the gospel, to share the hope that comes in Christ, to tell of how these things break the very heart of our God and He weeps right along with us? Could we please put down our own agendas and egos and political stances and remember the individuals who are crying themselves to sleep tonight? Could we save the debates for a day when emotions are not running positively sky high over a heartbreaking tragedy? Could we honor the memory of those sweet children and the adults that loved them by joining together to comfort and help one another?

Could we act as if the parents of those babies can read what we are saying, can hear the conversations we are having?

I'm still processing all of this myself. I am having a hard time, as most mothers of first graders seem to be having right now. There have been other shootings, other school shootings, where I have been incredibly saddened, but not affected as I am by this one. I know it is because my children are the same age as those children were. As mothers, we can't help but put ourselves in the shoes of those mothers, because it so easily could have been our little ones. We can't help but imagine the fear of our own children, had a scary man walked into their class and began shooting their friends one by one. We can't help but lose it in the car, weeping over the fact that those mothers will never get those images out of their heads, that they will have a gaping hole in their hearts til the day they die. And maybe because we can't help it, we simply have no patience for those who seem to be so quick to use this as an opportunity to spout their own opinions instead of an opportunity to love and comfort those around us. I cannot relate to those who are not brought to tears over this, but instead find it appropriate to post political cartoons and pictures of weapons with a message about the love of or hatred of guns all over their facebook page. It annoyed me a week ago. It angers me today. Today is not the day for these talks, these debates, these opinions, these heated arguments. Today is a day for grieving, for comforting, for mourning, for offering hope to the hopeless.

I don't know, if Jesus were to live in today's world, if He would carry a glock on Him at all times or preach the benefits of stricter gun laws. I do know this...He would weep with those families, and He would offer the assurance of hope in His Father, and He would do it humbly.

It would be nice if, as Christians, we did the same.



Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

V-Day Baby!!!

No, that does not stand for Valentine's Day, or Vasectomy Day (though that day is coming Josh, don't think it isn't...), it stands for Viability Day!!!

I have officially made it 24 weeks into this pregnancy, and for those of you who are not familiar with the paranoid mind workings of a post-pregnancy loss mama, or the daughter of a NICU nurse, or the sister of a pediatrician...what that means is that the baby has made it to a point that if I were to have to deliver him or her for some reason beyond my control, this little one would have a good shot at making it in the outside world (the baby is now considered "viable" to the medical community).Of course, we are hoping we make it at least another 12 weeks or so, but still, it's a big milestone in a pregnancy I didn't see getting past the 6th week.

Because my doctor is keeping an extra close eye on me and baby, I am now getting monthly growth scan ultrasounds that measure baby's size, weight, and a few other important things like blood flow and fluid levels. For those of you who are interested (crickets....crickets...) this little one is a whopping 1 pound, 5 ounces!

This was by far the most fun at an ultrasound I've had so far this pregnancy. Since I now feel regular (constant) movements from this baby, I knew going in that the baby was at least alive. I can't tell you what a load that takes off of me! Usually going into the ultrasound I am breathing into a paper bag to keep from fainting because I am so nervous that the baby has suddenly and inexplicably died. Call it Post Traumatic Ultrasound Disorder, I suffer from it bigtime. Now that I can feel the baby rolling and tumbling around, my worries go from "The baby might have no heartbeat" to simple, normal worries such as, "The baby's brain developed abnormally, they will now see the baby has a heart deformity, the fluid levels will be too low" and the list goes on. But, those worries pale in comparison to what I went through before in my previous ultrasounds, and those thoughts, while worrisome, can usually be tucked away into the back of my brain while I enjoy watching baby squirm and dance on the screen.

Yesterday the baby was particularly active and kept kicking the probe right off my belly! It also kept opening and closing its mouth like a fish, which was hilarious to watch, and at one point we saw very clearly that the baby was rubbing it's eyes with both hands! So cool. It was such a fun video, and my ultrasound tech was so distracted by the amazing shots she was getting that she failed to print any of them for me to take home. Oh well! I was sent home with one decent quality shot of the legs, so that's what I will show ya'll here.

Aww. What adorable little knees. ;)

It is getting harder and harder to stay in the dark about whether those are girl knees or boy knees, but we're staying strong! I don't trust anyone else to come with me to these ultrasounds though, because I have to shut my eyes like a million times to keep from spoiling the surprise and I have a feeling Auntie Lisa wouldn't be nearly as strong. I purposely covered the upper portion of the above shot just to keep my medically trained family from reading too much into it!!!

We are getting more and more excited as the weeks go on, and it is starting to become a reality that we may actually get to bring a baby home with us after all this is over. I hope so, I can't even tell you how much I hope so.

Well, that's all for my little update! We hope there are lots more happy updates to come, and maybe next time I will have a better picture to show you than this baby's legs. ;)