Dear Lily

Dear Lily,

Today is your second birthday. It is not only the second birthday I have spent without you, it is the second birthday you have spent in Heaven. It is the second time I will compare this day to how it would have been if you were celebrating here with us, instead of with Jesus.

If you were turning two here, I would wake up to your excited squeals and giggles as you climbed up into our bed and bounced on daddy. Maybe you would have bounced on Jake and Eisley first. We would have smothered you with kisses and told you "Happy Birthday Lily girl! You are so big now that you are two!!! You aren't a baby anymore!"

Instead, I will wake up to the quiet still of the morning, before the sun comes up, and the silence will be deafening. I will feel your absence. I will not say that you aren't a baby anymore, because you will always be a baby to me. I will close my eyes and ask the Lord to hug you for me, two big squeezes for the two years you have been both here and gone.

If you were turning two here, we would be having the most adorable, Pinterest crazed birthday party ever! I wonder what the theme would be...princesses or cupcakes or ballerinas...and everyone would come! Our whole family would come to celebrate you and kiss you and shower you with presents. Nana Robin would have made super special cupcakes and given you a big one with a "2" candle on it for you to blow out. You would probably be running around with a tutu on and your blonde curls would be bouncing up and down with you. Jake and Eisley would "help" you open your presents, and if I'm at all right in the kind of personality you have, you would have stubbornly told them that you were a big girl and didn't need their help! We would have balloons everywhere, and this would be the extra special birthday where we would do a "Binky Release" like we did for Jake and Eisley on their second birthday. We would tie your binkies (except for one, which I would save for your memory box) to a dozen balloons and kiss them goodbye. You would let the balloons go and wave goodbye as they floated off into the sky.Years ago, Jake and Eisley said they were sending their binkies to "the babies in Heaven". Little did I know how much that would mean to me today.

But instead of a birthday party, we will quietly visit your grave as a family. Instead of birthday presents, we will bring you lilies to fill the vase by your stone. And the balloons that should have brought laughter to your lips, will bring tears to my eyes, as each of us releases one up to Heaven, hoping it somehow reaches you. Jake and Eisley will tell Jonesy all about you, and we will talk about what kind of party you are having in Heaven. There will be nothing to put in your memory box, because every memory I will ever make with you has already been made. I will get out the box I do have from my closet, open it up, and touch each and every object inside of it. I will use the blanket you were wrapped in to dry my tears. I will marvel at how very small your feet were. I will read all of the notes and letters we were given after you died.

If you were turning two here with us, I would watch you as you opened your presents, and I would cry. I cried at Jake and Eisley's second birthday, because I realized that they weren't babies anymore. There were no more diapers, no more binkies, no more cribs. They were growing up so fast, and it was bittersweet. I would have done the same for you, Lily. I would have cried when you sent your binkies away, and I would have cried when daddy took your crib apart, and I probably wouldn't have cried throwing all your pull ups in the trash, but it would still feel a little sad.

Instead, I will cry for different reasons. I will cry because you never got to use a binky, or a crib, or a diaper. I will cry because I have now gone two whole years without seeing you, or holding you, or being your mommy. I will cry because I am missing your birthday party, and no mommy should ever miss their baby's birthday party. I will cry because I miss you. Because I've missed you for two years. Because I will miss you for so many more.

There is something soothing about having Jones here to snuggle and hug. But soothing is as far as it goes. There is no replacing a child with another child. Each baby I have had takes up a uniquely shaped space in my heart. You left a uniquely shaped hole, and nothing and no one could ever fill that but you. I love Eisley with all my heart. I love Jake as big as the sky. I love Jones times infinity. I love you to Heaven and back. I am so thankful for the children I have here with me, because they will make this day so much easier. But they cannot make it easy, ever.

It is such a balancing act, mothering babies on earth as well as in Heaven. I can't explain it fully, but it always feels like if I tip too far in one direction or the other, I will fall over. I will fail either my babies in Heaven or my babies on earth. I always have to find a perfect balance between being a mother to you and being a mother to Jake and Eisley and Jones. I want to make sure they know how important you are to me, while also making sure they know how important they are to me. I want them to see me cry for you, but not too much, so they aren't scared. I want to honor your memory, without dwelling on the tragedy of your loss. I am holding and loving and cherishing a baby in my arms who would not exist if you had not left them. How do I come to terms with that? How do I wish you were here knowing that if you were, Jones wouldn't be? How do I feel your absence so sharply while also feeling overjoyed that God blessed us with Jones? How do I mourn you fully while fully embracing the blessings that have come since your loss? Am I doing it right? Am I missing something I should be doing? I always wonder...

If you were turning two here...

But you aren't.

One day, when I get there, I promise we will celebrate every single birthday I missed. Until then, I am confident that you are having a much cooler birthday party than I ever could give you!

I. Miss. You.

Happy birthday baby girl. Mommy will be there soon.

Love,

Mommy


"Never again will there be in it an infant who lives but a few days, or an old man who does not live out his years..."
Isaiah 65:20

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.
Revelation 21:4

Poor little blog...

My poor, poor little blog is so neglected in the wake of Jones' arrival! I can't tell you how many times I log in to write a post or add some pictures, and get pulled away by one of the three little rugrats! We'll see if I ever get this post up! ;)

Life is good in the Harrison House! We are settling into a groove, and Jones is doing his part by remaining adorable and consistently sleeping through the night! He definitely keeps us busy, but is seriously just so fun to have around. Josh and I were talking last night about how life with a newborn is a lot more enjoyable when you cherish every single little moment. The twins' newborn stage was...what's the word I'm looking for...oh yes, hell. It was hell. Sometimes when Jones cries I get flashbacks of the twins being babies as if I'm a soldier with PTSD. Just to put it into perspective, I was practically still a teenager, Josh was gone 18 hours a day, and there were two of them. Two! Sometimes I wonder how I did it, because Jones is quite a handful himself! But somehow we muddled through, and it is mostly a blur today.

We just didn't get to enjoy this stage with the twins, so we are enjoying Jones' baby stage twice as much to make up for it! Jake and Eisley love him to pieces, and I can't even count the number of times a day I hear, "Can I hold him?" from both of them! They have been huge helpers, so much so that sometimes I have to say, "No guys, it's mommy's turn!"

We are over the moon and in love with this little guy so much. Of course there are challenges adjusting to being a family of five, and Jones and I are still struggling a bit to get the hang of nursing, and I could definitely use a few more hours of sleep and possibly a pedicure and massage, but overall we simply cannot complain. So we won't. :)

Josh and I are celebrating nine years of marriage on Wednesday, and we got to go out for a nice dinner, sans kiddos, last night. Believe it or not, I have been able to tear myself away from the baby for a couple hours at a time at least three times now! ;) It has given the grandparents and aunts and uncles the chance to babysit and love on them, which they thoroughly enjoy and we very much appreciate. Josh and I went out to eat at Black Angus, and we talked about how we ate at that same restaurant on our first Valentine's Day as a married couple. Back then, eight years ago, I had taken Josh there to try and lessen the blow of what I was about to tell him...I was pregnant! I will never forget that dinner, or how we barely tasted our very expensive meal that night! Last night we talked about how much had happened since then, and I thought about how much God has chosen to bless me with in these nine years. He is just way too good to me.

Speaking of which...I got to have the most wonderful Mother's Day ever this year! We were so blessed to get to dedicate Jones at church on Mother's Day, and wow that was so special. Our children's ministry leader talked a little bit about our family's long road and how we have babies in heaven and how Jones is such a huge answer to prayer. Then our pastor held Jones and prayed and we promised to raise him up to love the Lord and come alongside him in prayer. It just meant so much to me, and I cried as I stood up there and thought about how God has entrusted so many of His children to me, asked me to be their mother, trusted me to care for them and love them and raise them up to know Him. Some of those children I had for just moments, others I hope to have for a lifetime, but all of them are just such unbelievable gifts. I do not take for granted what a lucky mama I am!

I am going to be heading back to work in a couple of weeks, and while I miss my co-workers and most aspects of my job, I am terrified to go back and leave Jones for so long! I am not looking forward to that part one bit, and am asking that God somehow make that easier on both of us. One nice thing is that Josh will be on summer break starting next week, so that will make the transition a little bit easier, but Josh is a little nervous to swing it solo against three kids three looooong days a week!

Lots of people have begun asking us what will happen with our adoption plans now that Jones is here. I will tell you what I tell all of them...I have no idea. Josh and I go back and forth. And by that I mean, Josh goes back and I go forth. ;) With Jones so young, there is just no room for thoughts of another child right now. We have no idea what God has in store for us, we never do. Right now we feel we are just supposed to be enjoying this new little blessing and focus on our family. We are totally open to whatever God wants to bring our way, but we are also content with our family just the way it is! So that's the long answer. The short answer is, who knows. :)

Since Jones is due to feed in about five seconds, I will end this entry with some pictures! Yay! ;) Thanks for reading!

Bathtime buddy! 

Jonesy started smiling this month! Can't get enough of it!

At the cabin with the girls! Jones sure got spoiled on that trip!

Jones turned one month old this month!

He's trying to hold up a "one" like Jake and Eisley!

I love that face!

Pouty face

Me and my babies

Going for a walk at sunset

My loves!!!

At church on Mother's Day

Getting ready to dedicate Jones!

Pastor Bull holding Jones

The three most beautiful kids on the planet!!!

Clara

I have people ask me occasionally if I have any updates on Ember. If I know how she is, what happened to her, if she is still in Arizona, if she has passed away. And up until a couple weeks ago, I never had anything to tell them. I had never gotten the updates or pictures from foster mom like I hoped we would when we said goodbye to her, but I trusted that the Lord had His reasons and that He was taking great care of her, whether it be here on earth or in Heaven with him.

We had been told by the agency months ago that they had identified an adoptive family out of state, but that's all we ever heard. When we did hear that, we were so thrilled for Ember! God had found a family for her! We knew she was being well loved with foster mom, but to have a forever family...what a miracle for her.

I wondered to myself what name Ember had now. I wondered where she was, how she was. I wondered if she still had any of the things I sent with her when I left...her giraffes, her binky, her dozens of beautiful headbands Josh's mom had made. I prayed that she was being snuggled, and kissed, and spoiled rotten.

I wondered to myself, to the Lord, if we had made the right decision in letting her go. I cannot begin to tell you, though I have tried, how my heart was ripped to shreds when we left Ember for the last time in her NICU bed. I will never forget the last time we spent time with her, held her, kissed her goodbye. Even though I knew God was closing that door and we were not to be her parents...I still felt torn in half when we left. Even though I could see how incredibly loved she would be by her foster mom, even though I trusted that God would take care of her, that He was telling us our time with her was done, it couldn't erase all of my doubts, all of my fears. What if they didn't love her the way we loved her? What if no one ever would?

When we heard Ember was going to be adopted, my heart leapt. I was just so happy for her. So relieved that she would have a real family of her own. I thought to myself what an amazing family it must be, to not only be called to adopt a baby like Ember, but to be obedient to that calling. What were they like? I wondered about them a lot. I knew they had to be believers, I just knew it, but I didn't know anything, really. So I just wondered...

A couple of weeks after Jones was born, I finally got around to updating our adoption case worker that he had been born healthy and perfect. I sent some pictures, thanked her for her prayers and support with everything we'd been through with them, and then I asked about Ember. I was sure I wouldn't get any new information, but lately I had just been so consumed with wondering if she was still alive, or had passed away. So I asked, and was hopeful they'd release at least that much information to me.

Not long after, I got a response saying that Ember had passed away last month ( I later learned she died just two weeks after Jones was born), after being adopted into a wonderful family out of state.

And I cried.

I cried because she had been loved, in a family, until the day she died. I cried because she was gone. I cried because she was whole. I cried because I knew, on some level, the pain Ember's family must be feeling, having to bury their baby girl.

But I was finally at peace, knowing she was safely in the arms of her Father, knowing she had been loved all her life, knowing she had never been alone. I didn't know any details, and I didn't expect I ever would. And that was okay.

But God is way too awesome for okay...

Last week the adoption agency sent me a quick email, letting me know they had asked if they could share the blog of the family who adopted Ember with me, and they said yes. The email also said to have some tissues handy. :)

My heart absolutely bounced out of my chest! I immediately clicked on the link to the blog, wondering what I would find, hoping and praying there would be pictures, ready to pour over every single detail. My very first thought when I opened the blog...

Clara.

They had named her Clara! That was her name! I was so, so happy to finally know her name. We had wondered for months and months what her new name was, and now we knew, and it just felt so good to know that! Like this huge mystery was solved, a giant piece to a puzzle put into place. Clara. What a pretty name.

I clicked through the blog at warp speed. There were so many pictures of her! She was so beautiful! I studied her family, they were amazing! Her mommy so obviously loved her so very much. She had brothers and sisters! She had a daddy to love her the way only daddies can love little girls. She was part of a family. She was part of a huge community of believers that loved and doted on her! She was fiercely loved while she was here, and she was so obviously fiercely missed now that she was gone.

I knew I had to try and get in touch with Clara's mom, just to let her know that I existed, that Clara had been loved from the moment she was born, that we had watched over her and protected her and held her every minute we could. That we made absolutely sure she was going to be well cared for before we said goodbye. I wanted to let her know that I loved her too...but I didn't know how to write that without sounding like a crazy! But I tried anyway, and I left a comment on the blog. And then I waited...

Clara's mommy is named Tami, and she is such an amazing woman of the Lord. You can tell that by the words she writes on her blog, by the way she loves her family, by the way she obeyed the calling to bring Clara home and spoil her the way every baby girl deserves to be spoiled. Tami got in touch with me after my comment, and I have been so blessed to be able to share with her our small part in Clara's life, as well as learn all about her life with her forever family.

If you would like to visit the blog and learn more about Clara and the HUGE impact she had on this world while she was here, please click here. It will take you to Tami's blog. Like I was told before, have some tissues ready! You will need them!!! Tami also put a link to some pictures of our time with Ember, I never put many on this blog because I wasn't sure how her new family might feel about that, but now that I have her permission, you can view those pictures by clicking here. If you want, leave Tami a comment on how Clara (Ember) touched your life in some way. I'm sure it would mean the world to her.

God is so good. He loves that baby girl so much, and used her short life to impact so many. I am so incredibly blessed to be one of the lives Clara touched while she was here. I'm so thankful He allowed me to find out what happened to her.

If you think of it, this family could definitely use your prayers right now as they grieve the loss of their daughter. Clara might be in a better place, but that doesn't mean she isn't sharply missed by many here on earth.

I hope you enjoy pouring over Tami's blog as much as I have! What a miracle that baby was. We knew from the moment we laid eyes on her that she was destined for big, big things.

We were right.

Worth the Wait

Finally! I am taking a few moments to update you all on our little miracle, Jones Nathaniel! I am so sorry it's taken me three weeks to do so, but we've been a little busy. ;) I am exhausted but completely in love with my new little man, and we are enjoying every minute we have together! For those who aren't following me on Facebook  I will tell you that Jones is probably the most photographed person on the planet right now! Since I am home with him all day and up with him all night, I can't help but snap pictures of him every time I think he's looking extra cute...which happens a lot! So let's see if I can remember how things went down three weeks ago...I'm a little sleep deprived so we'll see how accurate this is!

Josh and I dropped the kids off at his parents house just before I had to be at the hospital for my scheduled c-section. We were all so excited and I had started getting pretty nervous at this point! I worried that we had come so very far only to be devastated with something going wrong during the birth. I tried so hard to give it up to the Lord, but it wasn't easy!

We were so excited to finally know if we were having a boy or a girl! I had ordered these little hats with the baby names on them, and brought them with me to put on the baby to show our families! Would it be Jones, or Ambria??? We had allowed Jake and Eisley to pick the names, after giving them a "short list" of names we both liked. Eisley picked Ambria Nicole for a girl, and Jake picked Jones Nathaniel. Jake had actually come up with Jones entirely on his own. We had told Jake we wanted a "J" name that was unique, and one day he just came up with that! Later that night Josh and I talked about how it was actually kind of a cool name, and after looking up the meaning (God is gracious), we decided we'd go with that if we had a boy. And just in case you're curious, Nathaniel means "Given of God" or "Gift of the Lord", so I think it is pretty fitting!

When we drove away from Josh's parents, I realized I had forgot just one important little thing, my suitcase! We stopped by the house and picked it up, then we were on our way! Things went pretty quickly once we got to the hospital. I got checked in and things just took off! We were pretty excited, and honestly I was loving knowing that my baby would be born in a matter of minutes and I was feeling no pain at all!

So stylish

Josh looking sexy in his scrubs

 My family was able to come in and wish us luck just before I walked back to the OR. We were so excited to finally share a joyful occasion with them! Hospitals haven't been our friends the past couple of years, so this was quite a bit better. :) The kids were so excited! I could not wait to finally see them with their new brother or sister. I had waited so long for that moment, and we were finally there.

Last family picture with just the four of us!

Me and Aunt Lisa

There is one picture we took that when I saw it later, it make me tear up. It is a picture of me kissing Jake goodbye. I realized I had a picture almost identical to it when I kissed him goodbye before having Lily. Such similar pictures, such drastically different emotions...

Right before I gave birth to Lily

Right before giving birth to Jones

 Josh waited outside while I got my spinal block, and I remember they had the radio on and a Philip Philips song was playing. I had a long conversation with the anesthesiologist about him coming to concert in Glendale soon, and then we talked about how this was my first c-section even though I had twins, and before I knew it, I was completely numb and spread eagle on the operating table! There was a mirror on the ceiling and I remember thinking how ridiculous I looked and hoping they'd cover that mirror soon because I wasn't exactly loving the view!

Josh came back in, and it was time to start!!! I reminded him a hundred times not to text any information about the baby's sex to our families, only to tell them when everything was okay and give them the weight. We had promised the kids that they'd be the first to meet the baby, and since I wanted to be there when everyone met the baby (I was NOT missing out on that moment! Sorry!), they all were going to have to wait until I got wheeled back into my post-partum room.

Josh promised he wouldn't text any pics or the sex, and before I knew it the doctor was saying she was almost to the baby! A Pink song came on the radio, and Josh kept his eyes on that mirror on the ceiling. He kept saying things like, "This is so crazy babe. It doesn't even look real." I was so surprised they let him watch, but he was pretty enthralled by the whole process. It's a good thing he doesn't get queasy easily! He was able to take quite a few pictures of the whole thing, but they are not for the faint of heart! ;)

Halfway our and mad as heck!

Welcome to the world Jonesy!

Suddenly I heard the doctor say, "Are you ready dad? Take a look!" They let Josh make the big announcement, and he said, "It's a boy!" I started crying and laughing at the same time, and was so happy to hear Jonesy wailing in the background! They held him up for me to see for just a split second, then he was gone, but I was so happy! I told Josh to go take more pictures, and then he was gone too! This was the one thing I hated about my c-section, I was just stuck there, unable to see a darn thing, while Josh and the nurses got to see and hold my baby! I was pretty jealous and kept bugging them with dumb questions like what color his hair was and who did he look like.

He's HUGE!!!

This is my favorite picture! Jones is grabbing the doctor and wouldn't let go! She had to tear him off of her!

One of the best moments of my life!!!

Jones Nathaniel Harrison was born at 2:51 p.m. and weighed in at 9 lbs 7 oz. He was 22.5 inches long (though since then there has been debate on if that was accurate since he's measured a full inch shorter than that at both his doctor appointments!).

He is not happy!!! He wanted his mommy. :)

Our little man! Jones Nathaniel, 9 lbs 7 oz. 22.5 inches!!!

Finally they had him cleaned up and Josh brought him over to me!

I told everyone that his name was Jones, "Jones...something!" Because we hadn't decided completely on his middle name yet. All I wanted to do was get off that table and snuggle him, it was the longest 30 minutes of my life when they sewed me up! I did get to see him and sort of hold him for a minute, but it is hard to study the features of your new baby when you're upside down! 

Meeting my son for the first time! It was surreal! 

Looking back I'm kind of shocked they let me hold him like that!

Jones with mom and dad

He's already kissing his mama!

Love those lips!

I was telling Josh to text our family, but I made him show me the texts so I could proofread them before they went out, I didn't want anyone to know if it was a boy or a girl because I wanted to be there when they found out! Our poor families had to wait almost four hours to find out! I was back in recovery a bit longer than we anticipated, but I did enjoy getting him all to myself for a little while in the recovery room. I was able to nurse him and just stare at him. I couldn't believe he was actually here, and he was healthy, and he was mine.

Finally, and I do mean FINALLY, they wheeled us back to my room and said we could let our families come up! We had promised Jake and Eisley they'd be the first, so Josh went to get them. My sister was able to take pictures of them meeting Jones for the first time, and I have to say, those were some of the best moments of my life! They were so happy, and they instantly fell in love with him.

Our first family photo

Then the rest of our families were able to come back, and Jake announced that it was a boy! Of course everyone had to take a turn holding Jones, and I just sat back and tried to imprint all of these images in my mind and in my heart so I'd have them forever. It was so special. I kept thinking about how this is what it was supposed to be like when Lily was born, this was the day I've been waiting for and praying for for so long.

I stayed in the hospital for the next couple of days, and fell deeper and deeper in love with my son. I was hurting a lot physically, but I was so at peace emotionally. These were the moments! These were the moments I had been waiting for and wishing for and dreaming about, and now they were real. I was in heaven, and I did not for one minute take it for granted.

Getting to know their new brother

Jake found diaper changing hilarious

A present from Uncle Brian

We got to take Jones home on Saturday, and we have been settling in ever since! He has had some issues gaining weight, he lost quite a bit and only today has he gotten back up to his chunky birth weight! He's such a sweet little guy, and has eyes that look straight into your soul! He's also quite the snuggle bug, which is good because he gets snuggled 24/7 whether he likes it or not! In fact, I think getting this blog post up took me away from Jones longer than I have ever been! He's happy in the swing, but I'm already missing him! ;)

Again, I am so sorry it has taken so long to get some pictures up! I will post some more later, and hopefully catch you up on life since Jones changed it all! For now I am just trying to function on two hours of sleep a day! Blogging is waaaaay down on my list of priorities!

He's here. Finally. He's healthy. Miraculously. We are in love. We are so thankful. We do not take for granted all it took to get here. Thank you so much for your prayers for this little one! He's quite the little miracle!!! And totally worth the wait.