Paperwork and What If's

I am so excited to actually be typing this entry on my home computer instead of my phone! Yay for real internet!

Well, Josh and I have officially started our homestudy peperwork...wowsa. It is THICK to say the least. I am proud to say we have made a decent dent in it considering we've had it less than a week, and we were very busy last week with our twins TURNING SIX! So hard to believe my babies are six! Every birthday feels a little bittersweet. We are of course so happy and blessed that they continue to grow into amazing human beings, but we (okay mostly me the mommy!) are also sad to think they just keep getting older and less snuggleable! Don't think I won't keep trying though...;)

Anyways, we started the homestudy packet and have already completed our Taylor Johnson Temperament analysis tests on ourselves and each other. Those were interesting! You are given a statement and have to put “positively yes” or “positively no” depending on how the statement fits you or the person you’re describing. There were some statements that were so completely off of what our personalities were Josh said they needed to add a “Heck no” option. ;) It will be interesting going through the answers with our caseworker in a few months!

We have also started chipping away at the paperwork included in the packet, and I have checked off a lot of the boxes on the checklist, which feels good! What doesn’t feel good is how the ones I haven’t checked off are the BIG ones, as in will take forever (getting fingerprinted and receiving our cards, coming up with the homestudy fees, etc.). But we’ll get there.

In other news, we are so excited to have given out lots of baby bottles in the past couple of weeks! Almost all the bottles we had prepared are gone! Wow! If you would like to participate in our change drive for the adoption, please start collecting your spare change and get it to me before November 10th. The person who collects the most change will win a gift card to an undisclosed location (to be determined!). ;)

We are so thankful for the support that has been shown us so far. Seriously guys, we really appreciate you all reading our blog and praying for us and encouraging us. This is not an easy road. There are moments when I am hit with the reality of what we’ve chosen to do here. The other day, before our caseworker interview, I was driving home from work and my thoughts just started running rampant with worries. I totally played the “What if” game with God and wow I really came up with some good ones! I was having myself a good solid cry as I drove down the freeway, shooting every single what if I could possibly think of at the Lord.

What if we’re making the wrong decision? What if J* and E* don’t adjust? What if we aren’t good enough to adopt? What if the struggles we’ve had in our marriage in the past is too much for the caseworker to understand? What if she tells us we aren't adoption material? What if a birth mother never chooses us? What if we never even get close to the money needed to complete this adoption? What if our car poops out next month? What if we didn’t “hear” God correctly and He’s sitting up there laughing and saying, “THAT’S what you got from what I said?! Haha!” What if I don’t look like a good mommy from our picture and no mother would ever choose me because of my extra “fluff”? (Oh yeah, I was really getting Him now!!!)

These are not little fears. These are not trivial fears (okay that last one is pretty trivial now that I see it in black and white, but I’m being honest here. I really worry about these things.). I was bawling my eyes out (oh what the people driving next to me must have thought!) and had my awesome praise and worship playlist blasting (thanks to my beautiful sister-in-law who made it for me) and a song came on that said, “My vision may be blurred, but I know what I heard.” Oh man that totally hit me! I felt like God was encouraging me specifically. Like he was letting me worry and vent, but I still needed to come back to the truth. We know that God led us here. For one reason or another, this the path He laid out for us. And my vision was definitely blurred, both with frustrated tears and the fact that I have no idea how this is all going to pan out. But we know what we heard. We know God opened this door. And when I am completely terrified of the unknowns or totally overwhelmed by the sheer paperwork involved, I have to go back to that.

Josh is really good at talking me down. When I am at my breaking point he is the voice of reason and encouragement. We make a good team. He has his moments too (though they look very different than my moments!) and usually God has granted me a confident streak to encourage him in those times. But this time, I was all by myself, all alone in my car, and I was able to feel the comfort only God can give you in those moments where no one could talk reason to you anyways.

I think it is important to express your fears to Jesus. He wants to hear them and help walk you through them. I certainly hope that if my children are fearful of something that they will tell me so I can help! Whether their fear is valid (like Eisley being afraid that her baby sister’s heart would stop beating) or not so much (like Jake being afraid that Captain Hook was going to attack him in his bed), I want to be able to hold them and comfort them and let them talk to me and tell them I love them and I will take care of them no matter what happens. I think the Lord desires the same for us. He wants to hear what’s freaking you out, what terrifies you, what you’re worrying so much about. I suggest doing it out loud with a box of tissues and some good praise music. It can be very therapeutic! And for an added kick, do it in the car and be sure to make eye contact with the drivers next to you. Awkward…;)

So it goes without saying that we are praying for God to calm our fears and give us confidence in the midst of our worries. We know that God is going to take care of everything, but knowing it and truly believing it are two very different things sometimes! Please pray for us as we continue chipping away at our homestudy paperwork. I would really like to get it turned in before Christmas! And pray for God to continue giving us opportunities to raise the funds for this adoption. Josh was offered a third coaching position this year for the winter, so that’s awesome! And my cousin Lisa has offered to do an AMAZING fundraiser to be announced in my next post! We’re really excited about it and can’t wait to share it! And of course our Change Drive continues until November 10th. Thank you so much to those who are participating! Our initial homestudy fee and class registration fees will total about $1600. This will be due when we turn in our paperwork, and the sooner we have the money the faster we can continue with the process of bringing our baby home!
Stay tuned for the next post announcing our newest fundraiser! Thanks guys!