Vague

I hate vagueness. I hate when people are vague on facebook. I hate when people are vague on their blogs. I hate when people have "unspoken" prayer requests. Drives me up the wall. Just give it to me straight! If you don't want me to know the details, don't tell me about it at all! I think that might be a combination of impatience and nosiness. It's a major character flaw, and I'm aware of it.

Does anyone else find the above vague paragraph ironically vague? I apologize.

Here's the deal: I can't give all the details I want to give to people because as of yet, they're not my details to give. Despite all of that, I still want to ask you guys for prayer. I have a major "unspoken" prayer request, and for all of you who are like me and just had their ears perk up in morbid curiosity, I hear you.

Here's what we can tell you: The birth mom of the baby we have been planning to adopt had an ultrasound yesterday. We got word last night that there were some major concerns on the ultrasound, and they would be inducing her today. Josh and I dealt with that as best we could, and gave it all to God. I was in the middle of a two day dose of IV meds (which was supposed to be five days due to a recent relapse, but had to cut it short for obvious reasons) and my nurse was kind enough to give me one last dose early this morning while I packed up the kids and the things we would need for the hospital. We were very hopeful that what birth mom had been told at her ultrasound was more of a misunderstanding than anything else, for reasons of which I will continue to be vague. We got to find out the gender of the baby, which you will be really excited to know...we are also keeping vague. ;) I honestly wish I didn't know, but they told me right along with the rest of the news. We, however, decided not to tell our kids or families until this child is here and safe and in our arms, and at this moment that is looking...well...vague.

We aren't sure of the details, and the ones we are sure of we aren't really that sure of, but the birth mother did not get induced this morning as was the original plan. We are vague on the details, we are unsure of what is next, and we got some news that is making us question if this baby will end of placing with us at all. I know, vague, right? I'm sorry.You are now just as confused as we are, but probably less broken hearted, because I only gave you bits and pieces and you didn't have to explain all of these non details to two six year olds who were expecting to see their new sibling tomorrow.

Today started out so fun (other than being hooked up to an IV for four hours, but what's new there right?). The kids packed up their Big Brother and Big Sister shirts and took their back packs to Grandma's house to spend the night. We were hopeful we'd get to send them a picture of their new baby brother or sister by late tonight. Off they went, happy as clams. Josh and I straightened up, made sure the bassinet and baby things were ready to go, packed up the hospital bag, got stuff to read and listen to in case it was a long night, got a change of clothes, and got the car seat ready. We went to Target because I still needed a changing table pad for our changing table, and we wanted to pick a few things up now that we knew the gender (Okay, I had to pick a few things up. I'm sorry, I can't help it!)

We went to lunch at Chipolte and waited for our phone to ring. We were supposed to get a call around 1:00 that she had started her induction and we could come down. That call never came. A call did come about two hours later from the agency telling us that they would not be inducing after all, for reasons that make absolutely no sense to any of us. They told us she had been sent home by a nurse, who had made a passing remark about the health of the baby of which I won't even repeat here because it is so weird and totally inappropriate to give that kind of news to any expectant mother without even a doctor or social worker present. It makes NO SENSE. NONE. I could give you all the details so that you could all agree with me that the whole thing is a big fat mess, but I won't.

I will remind you, though, that this isn't just our disappointment. It is Jake's. It is Eisley's. It is our parents' and siblings' and close friends' who are right there dealing with all of this minute by minute and worrying as well.

What's going to happen from here? Who knows. We have a lot more questions, a million, and I'm not sure we will ever get the answers we want.

So tomorrow I will get up and go to work, just like I planned, right before I called in and said I would be starting maternity leave tomorrow, oops, and try to get back into the routine. I will have fun laughing with my goofy co-workers who no doubtedly will be bringing all kinds of sweet treats to the floor for TGIF. And I willwait some more. Wait for a phone call about this mom, about news on the baby, wait to possibly hear the news that this just isn't our baby after all and we will go back in the book. I don't know what I will hear, but I am praying that God just gives me inward peace, and outward grace.

That's my goal this go round. I've been handed a lot of just total crap hands, no one can deny that. I have learned over time that I might not have a choice about what happens, but I can ask for peace on the inside, and grace on the outside. The peace is for me, so I don't rip my pillows apart every night, so I don't take a baseball bat to the bassinet that taunts me in my room, that I don't take that particular bitter moment where my world is crunching in to send a nasty email to someone that "deserves a piece of my mind'",  that I don't fall asleep crying every single night that once again, we were so close, yet so far. The peace is for me. The grace...the grace is for everyone else.

Grace is going to work with a smile for those around you, even though you want nothing more than to hide in the bathroom and cry. Grace is allowing inquisitive remarks to touch you as innocent curiosities, not harsh attempts to make you wither away right there in the hallway. Grace is moving forward in body while protecting the shattered spirit within you while no one is the wiser. While patience protects yourself (and possibly the furniture in the near vicinity), Grace protects others.

I have no idea where we are at right now. As of now, we are still on hold and this birth mother still wants to place her baby with us. As of right now she can have the baby at any time. The only things we know for sure are that we know very little. There was a concern about brain development, but that is all we know. There hasn't been a second opinion so we're hopeful she'll get one. But that is up in the air.

So...we pray.

As always, we pray. We pray for the miraculous health of this baby. We pray for the mother to make wise decisions and be an advocate for herself and her unborn baby. We pray God will get her where she needs to get in order to get the best care possible. Pray for our kids as they are obviously confused and disappointed just like us.
Pray that God's will be done, no matter what, and that He will equip our family to recognize that plan and accept it fully once we do.

Thanks for your love and support.