December Fundraiser!

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And now for a brighter post. :) My last one was a little heart-wrenching, but I pray you will allow some heart-wrenching posts now and then. I think those of you who know me, know I am not a dweller on the sad. I don't mope around and I honestly don't feel the harsh sting of the pain I have experienced very often. But once in awhile it sets in, and I think it is just as important for people to know that sometimes I hurt as it is for people to know that I am truly, completely okay. The Lord is so close and comforting, and has allowed a peace that passes all understanding to cover me each day. So thank you for your continued prayers not only during our adoption journey but in the midst of the pain of losing Lily and our other pregnancies, because though we have moved forward and are so excited about adding a child to our family through adoption, we will always have moments where our losses hit us. And that's okay!

So on to the brighter post! I am so excited to officially announce our December Adoption Fundraiser!!! It was originally going to be a Yard Sale, but this opportunity was too good to pass up so we will be pushing the yard sale back to January (Yikes my garage will be overflowing! I hope haha!).

My dear sweet cousin Lisa who owns a beautiful photography business called Mood Photography has offered to host a day of mini-sessions before the holidays and donate ALL of the proceeds to our Adoption Fund!!! Lisa is an adoptive mama herself, she has four gorgeous biological children and two precious children adopted from China. She has a passion for the blessing of adoption and has been incredibly supportive to me during our walk!

Lisa is responsible for the majority of our family pictures and professional pictures of the kids that you've seen floating around facebook and here on my blog actually! She is so talented and seriously one of the kindest souls on earth! She WILL get your kids to smile and be comfortable, and that is a feat in itself sometimes!

Anyways, I am posting the flyer she has beautifully made up for this fundraiser, and I encourage you and ask you to pass along the info! The details are as follows:

We will be hosting a "Mini-Session" photography day on Saturday, December 3rd, at Sahuaro Ranch Park in Glendale, Az. You can call, email, or contact Lisa through her website (moodphotographyaz.com) to book your Mini-Session for either the morning or the afternoon. You are also welcome to contact me and I will help you set it up! As the date gets closer, we will be giving out your actual session time. Sessions will last 20 minutes and include a CD of all edited images with copyright release. The cost of each session including your CD is $65, and ALL of the proceeds from this Mini-Session Marathon will go to our Adoption Fund!!!

This is a huge gift that Lisa is giving us and we are so thankful for it! I hope you all will take advantage of a great opportunity to get those family pictures done at a great price and for a great cause (bringing our little one home!!!).

Other ideas for these Mini-Sessions include:

Christmas card photos!!!
Baby/Infant shots
Engagement Photos
Maternity Pics
Senior Pics
Empty Nester "When was the last time we took professional pictures together?" pictures! ;)
Gift for mom, dad, grandma or grandpa of all the grandkids together!!!
Just Because!!!

The pictures you see above were taken at Sahuaro Ranch in just one of the very cool locations they have for pictures, including a barn, an antique house/porch, rose gardens, corn fields, grassy areas and benches, and so many more! It is a great and unique spot.

Please oh please pass along the info, and if you are interested, book your session immediately! There are a limited number of spots and we are hoping to fill them ALL!

Thank you Lisa and thank you everyone for getting the word out about this next exciting fundraiser to bring home the littlest Harrison. :)

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I Miss You

I miss you today. I miss you every day, but I felt it today. I don't always feel it, pumpkin. I know that doesn't hurt your feelings because you are joy. You are joy. You are wrapped in, snuggled together, covered up and dripping in joy.

God has been so good to me. To allow me most days, most hours, when I don't feel it. When I know it, I know I miss you, I know you aren't here but you should be, but nothing hurts. I am so thankful for that.

But it can't always be that way. Today was not that way. Today I felt it. I felt your absence, and it was staggering. I'm supposed to be holding you any time now. People are supposed to be asking me, "When is that baby girl going to make her appearance?!" I'm supposed to be swollen and achy and desperate for you to come out. I am only achy and desperate. I miss you lover girl. I miss you.

E* and I are going to the Taylor Swift concert! You were supposed to be with us. We were going to make shirts and mine would say, "Littlest Taylor Swift Fan" and point to you! We were going to tell you all about how mommy had to park in the handicapped spot because you were so big and ready to be born and what was mommy thinking buying tickets to a concert when she was supposed to have a baby any day?! Silly mommy. But it would have been a good story, and I wish I could have told you it.

E* misses you. She prays that you and Gracie and "the baby we didn't know" are having fun in Heaven. And we know you are! But I'm your mommy, and I wish you were having fun here. I know how selfish that is. But I don't care. You and E* would have shared a room. You would have loved E*'s room. It is pink and beautiful and the perfect size for two little girls to grow up in, sharing toys and secrets. It's too big just for her.

J* misses you. There are times, not very often, but sometimes, when he cries for you. He has the dinosaur we bought him in the hospital gift shop when you were going to be born. He named it, "Lilysauras." Once he couldn't find it when it was time for bed. We looked everywhere. We looked for an entire hour and we could not find it. He cried and he cried and my heart broke in two. I know he was really crying because we couldn't find you. That's the only thing he has from you and he couldn't even have that. It wasn't fair. It isn't fair. We found Lilysauras in his backpack. You're still missing.

Daddy misses you. Once in awhile I can tell he's been watching your DVD late at night after we've all gone to bed. Your daddy doesn't cry. But he cries for you. What hurts him the most is how J* and E* didn't get to come to the hospital to meet you and hold you and kiss and love on you, how it wasn't the happy and hilarious day it should have been. How he didn't get to set them on the couch and teach them how to hold you and how we didn't get to watch them study your itty bitty feet and long fingers. The day you were born J* and E* came to the hospital and put stuffed animals in your empty bassinet. We have pictures of it, and they're smiling and if you didn't know any better, you would have no idea that bassinet would stay empty. That picture looks so happy, so hopeful. We wanted so much more for that day. So much more than two hours with you. So much more than an empty bassinet.

E* and J* drew you pictures to bring to the hospital before you were born. E*'s drawing was of our whole family. She had been drawing you in my belly for the past five months. The picture she brought to the hospital, you were in Heaven with Gracie. Just like that.

J*'s picture was of a dragon. Because that's just how your brother is. ;)

We have not visited your grave yet. I feel so guilty about that. Daddy and I keep talking about it, keep saying we need to go. We talk about how we should go when the weather cools down, when the kids are on break, when...

I don't know why we haven't gone. I think mostly because I know you're not there. I know where you are sweet baby, and it isn't lying in some cemetary under the ground. Please understand that it isn't because we don't think of you. There are reminders of you everywhere, not that we need them. Your pretty, miraculous little feet hang in a black and white picture above our mantle. Mommy wears a bracelet with your name on it every single day. Daddy talks about getting your footprints tattooed on him somewhere. But daddy isn't much of a tattoo guy, so I wouldn't count on that one. ;) But you my love, are in our thoughts every day. Every day.

I miss you. I want you to know that. Someday we will sit down under a tree (Does Heaven have trees? I'm sure it does! God made so many here!) and I will tell you all about how much I missed you. And you will say, "But mommy, I just saw you! I just heard your heart beating moments ago! I heard E* singing my special lullaby with her ear on your belly, and then here I was, and here you are!" And I will tell you how, oh darling baby girl, it has been years. Years and years since those moments, but they passed in a blink of an eye for you! I will tell you how so much time passed that I got old and gray and wrinkly, but I still thought of you. How I missed you. How I missed you every single birthday, because we were supposed to share it. How I missed you at E*'s wedding, because you were supposed to be the maid of honor. How I missed you when I held my grandbabies for the very first time. How my last thoughts on earth were, "I'm gonna hold my babies now!" And how when I saw you, I just knew.

I miss you baby girl. To think of the impact you had in the short time you were here, it makes me wonder what kind of impact you would have had if you had stayed. But that wasn't your purpose. God knew when He created you that your purpose was 19 weeks and 3 days. And your impact would be immeasurable.

His ways are not my ways. If I had my ways, you would be here. All of my babies would be here. That would not even be possible, but that's the way I'd have it!!! If I had my way I'd march right up to Heaven and bring you right back down where you belong, here with me. I know when I actually get to Heaven I will realize how ridiculous that sounds to you, but for now, while I miss you, I am allowed to be ridiculous I think.

I love you my sweet girl. I miss you, and I love you. And I will not let your absence be in vain. I will not grow bitter or angry, even when I have angry moments. I promise they will only be moments. I promise you that your life and death will be something I use to reach other people who are sad and angry and bitter, and who need Jesus so desperately it hurts far worse than anything I will ever feel, because in the midst of my pain, I have the Great Comforter with me. I cannot imagine what pain is like for those who don't have Him. But it hurts my heart to imagine it.

I am so happy that you never felt pain! That your existence was nothing but pure love and warmth and comfort. That you never knew of hurt or brokenness or sorrow. I have felt enough in my lifetime for the both of us, but that will not be what we talk about when we talk! We will talk of joy. Of pure, complete, heart healing joy. And you will show me all around Heaven. And you will show me that the streets really ARE made of gold! And you will tell me how Jesus has the best bedtime stories because they are real. And I will hold you. And I will not let you go for a hundred years. And I will put you down and you'll giggle, and then I will scoop you up and hold you for a hundred more.

And it won't be long enough.

Change Drive PRIZE!!!

Oh my gosh how exciting!!! Two people who are near and dear to my heart have donated a $100 gift card to Flemings for the winner of the Adoption Change Drive! How amazing!!!

After tomorrow's bottle drop offs I'm making, we will officially be OUT OF BOTTLES!!! This is an amazing thing, I am praising God over it! We would like to keep the overhead cost down, so we won't be buying more bottles, but if you want to participate in the Change Drive you don't need a bottle! I am going to post below what the tag says and you are welcome and encouraged to print it out and put it on your container of choice, be it a jar, a bowl, or a freezer bag! Even if you aren't collecting change, we would love for you to stick this on your fridge as a reminder to pray for our family and our birth family.

This is an awesome prize and it will go to whoever collects the greatest amount in change by November 10th! We are so excited and so grateful to the people who donated this for our fundraiser. I cried happy tears and am so grateful the Lord provided that before we even figured out to ask Him!!

Here is the tag we've been placing on the bottles, if you aren't participating in the Change Drive we would so love your prayers right now! We're praising God for how He is working, and asking Him to take us step by step without anxiety. Please be praying for our birth mama, whoever and wherever she is. My heart aches for the choice she is going to be faced with and I know the pain letting go of a baby when you desperately want to hold them forever. Please be praying for her heart and for God to comfort her and prepare her heart even now.

Thank you for supporting our adoption!

Matthew 18:5

"And anyone who welcomes a little child like this one on my behalf is welcoming Me."

Ouradoptionfaithwalk.blogspot.com

Paperwork and What If's

I am so excited to actually be typing this entry on my home computer instead of my phone! Yay for real internet!

Well, Josh and I have officially started our homestudy peperwork...wowsa. It is THICK to say the least. I am proud to say we have made a decent dent in it considering we've had it less than a week, and we were very busy last week with our twins TURNING SIX! So hard to believe my babies are six! Every birthday feels a little bittersweet. We are of course so happy and blessed that they continue to grow into amazing human beings, but we (okay mostly me the mommy!) are also sad to think they just keep getting older and less snuggleable! Don't think I won't keep trying though...;)

Anyways, we started the homestudy packet and have already completed our Taylor Johnson Temperament analysis tests on ourselves and each other. Those were interesting! You are given a statement and have to put “positively yes” or “positively no” depending on how the statement fits you or the person you’re describing. There were some statements that were so completely off of what our personalities were Josh said they needed to add a “Heck no” option. ;) It will be interesting going through the answers with our caseworker in a few months!

We have also started chipping away at the paperwork included in the packet, and I have checked off a lot of the boxes on the checklist, which feels good! What doesn’t feel good is how the ones I haven’t checked off are the BIG ones, as in will take forever (getting fingerprinted and receiving our cards, coming up with the homestudy fees, etc.). But we’ll get there.

In other news, we are so excited to have given out lots of baby bottles in the past couple of weeks! Almost all the bottles we had prepared are gone! Wow! If you would like to participate in our change drive for the adoption, please start collecting your spare change and get it to me before November 10th. The person who collects the most change will win a gift card to an undisclosed location (to be determined!). ;)

We are so thankful for the support that has been shown us so far. Seriously guys, we really appreciate you all reading our blog and praying for us and encouraging us. This is not an easy road. There are moments when I am hit with the reality of what we’ve chosen to do here. The other day, before our caseworker interview, I was driving home from work and my thoughts just started running rampant with worries. I totally played the “What if” game with God and wow I really came up with some good ones! I was having myself a good solid cry as I drove down the freeway, shooting every single what if I could possibly think of at the Lord.

What if we’re making the wrong decision? What if J* and E* don’t adjust? What if we aren’t good enough to adopt? What if the struggles we’ve had in our marriage in the past is too much for the caseworker to understand? What if she tells us we aren't adoption material? What if a birth mother never chooses us? What if we never even get close to the money needed to complete this adoption? What if our car poops out next month? What if we didn’t “hear” God correctly and He’s sitting up there laughing and saying, “THAT’S what you got from what I said?! Haha!” What if I don’t look like a good mommy from our picture and no mother would ever choose me because of my extra “fluff”? (Oh yeah, I was really getting Him now!!!)

These are not little fears. These are not trivial fears (okay that last one is pretty trivial now that I see it in black and white, but I’m being honest here. I really worry about these things.). I was bawling my eyes out (oh what the people driving next to me must have thought!) and had my awesome praise and worship playlist blasting (thanks to my beautiful sister-in-law who made it for me) and a song came on that said, “My vision may be blurred, but I know what I heard.” Oh man that totally hit me! I felt like God was encouraging me specifically. Like he was letting me worry and vent, but I still needed to come back to the truth. We know that God led us here. For one reason or another, this the path He laid out for us. And my vision was definitely blurred, both with frustrated tears and the fact that I have no idea how this is all going to pan out. But we know what we heard. We know God opened this door. And when I am completely terrified of the unknowns or totally overwhelmed by the sheer paperwork involved, I have to go back to that.

Josh is really good at talking me down. When I am at my breaking point he is the voice of reason and encouragement. We make a good team. He has his moments too (though they look very different than my moments!) and usually God has granted me a confident streak to encourage him in those times. But this time, I was all by myself, all alone in my car, and I was able to feel the comfort only God can give you in those moments where no one could talk reason to you anyways.

I think it is important to express your fears to Jesus. He wants to hear them and help walk you through them. I certainly hope that if my children are fearful of something that they will tell me so I can help! Whether their fear is valid (like Eisley being afraid that her baby sister’s heart would stop beating) or not so much (like Jake being afraid that Captain Hook was going to attack him in his bed), I want to be able to hold them and comfort them and let them talk to me and tell them I love them and I will take care of them no matter what happens. I think the Lord desires the same for us. He wants to hear what’s freaking you out, what terrifies you, what you’re worrying so much about. I suggest doing it out loud with a box of tissues and some good praise music. It can be very therapeutic! And for an added kick, do it in the car and be sure to make eye contact with the drivers next to you. Awkward…;)

So it goes without saying that we are praying for God to calm our fears and give us confidence in the midst of our worries. We know that God is going to take care of everything, but knowing it and truly believing it are two very different things sometimes! Please pray for us as we continue chipping away at our homestudy paperwork. I would really like to get it turned in before Christmas! And pray for God to continue giving us opportunities to raise the funds for this adoption. Josh was offered a third coaching position this year for the winter, so that’s awesome! And my cousin Lisa has offered to do an AMAZING fundraiser to be announced in my next post! We’re really excited about it and can’t wait to share it! And of course our Change Drive continues until November 10th. Thank you so much to those who are participating! Our initial homestudy fee and class registration fees will total about $1600. This will be due when we turn in our paperwork, and the sooner we have the money the faster we can continue with the process of bringing our baby home!
Stay tuned for the next post announcing our newest fundraiser! Thanks guys!

The Great Paperchase

Such an exciting step in our adoption journey, the beginning of the "paperchase"! Yesterday we met with our case worker from Christian Family Care and spent about two hours delving into our lives, marriage, health, history, faith, and motivation for adopting. It went so well, though Josh and I are not perfect and have definitely had a dramatic few years, we also got to tell how God has used each situation to bring us closer to Him and each other.

Our case worker even prayed with us! After all was said and done she told us she would like us to move forward with the adoption and we talked in length about where we go from here. She gave us a packet about two inches thick filled with everything from fingerprint sheets to temperment analysis tests. You would be blown away by the amount of paperwork needed to complete an adoption, and this packet only prepares us for our homestudy!

The packet includes about a million essay questions about your life and upbringing, and along with all the other documentation needed (physicals, birth certificates, budget analysis, etc.)it will take us about six to eight weeks to complete the packet. After that is turned in (along with a large homestudy fee...ouch!), we will begin the homestudy. That is something I will go into more detail on at some point, but it is a long process including more paperwork, interviews, and home inspections. It is the last requirement to become certified to adopt.

Our particular agency requires that couples take a seven week course on adoption issues, and those begin for us in January. Once our homestudy and classes are complete, we can put together our match letter, which is basically a profile of our family for birth mothers to look through when choosing an adoptive family for their child.

Once that is complete, we go in the match book! From there the average wait to be matched with a baby is twelve months. As you have probably calculated, we are a long way from bringing a baby home! But we are one step closer, and that's exciting.

We also know that it will take time to come up with the funding for this adoption, so time is okay right now. The fees are staggered out a bit, a chunk due when our packet is turned in, another chunk at the first class, another when we enter the match book, and the remainder when the child is officially placed with us. One thing at a time!

If you are praying, please pray for Josh and I to find the time necessary to complete this overwhelming packet! That God will provide the money for each step, and we will not be anxious about it. Please especially pray for our birth family, that God will comfort and guide them in a very difficult time.

Thank you so much for reading and praying!

Here we go...

After anxiously awaiting a call from the agency, Christian Family Care called yesterday to say we should be expecting a call from our caseworker sometime next week. Awesome! What's even more awesome is that she actually ended up calling last night and we have our initial assessment meeting tomorrow afternoon! That was fast! ;)

She sounded very nice and I was impressed with how fast she got us on her calendar! I am so nervous, mostly because I have no idea what to expect. We've never done this before!

In other news, we've given out lots of baby bottles! Yay! If you wanted one and haven't gotten one yet, we will do our best to get it to you! This week is jam packed with birthday plans but I'm hoping next week will slow down considerably and I can run a few bottles around town. :)

We are so thankful for your support, we could not continue on this road without it and Josh and I are completely blessed by how many have offered prayers and encouragement.

We are praising God for the answers to prayer this week; a great response to our first fundraiser, getting an appointment with the agency, and getting a nice caseworker (so far anyways!).

Now we are praying that our appointment tomorrow goes really well and we can officially begin the the very long homestudy process. Please pray that things will work out in God's timing and He will give us (especially me!) patience through this whole thing.

We'll keep you posted, thank you for your support!

Progress!!!

We are so excited by the response we've gotten from people about our Penny Drive!!! I am going to be giving out LOTS of baby bottles this week! If you would like one, please let me know and we can arrange something!

Remember, you can take part in the Penny Drive without actually having a baby bottle, they are just fun reminders to sit on your counter, and we hope whenever you see it you'll say a prayer for us! We will accept your change donations in any form on November 10th! Remember, the person with the highest amount in change will receive a PRIZE!!! So we hope you'll join us in this month's fundraiser!

If you will notice the thermometer to the right you'll see we've already made progress!!! How amazing and wonderful to already watch the fund grow when we've only just begun! A HUGE heartfelt thanks to the two donors who got the ball rolling! I love each of you and you have blessed our family tremendously!

It turns out the donations to Paypal are not anonymous, I do get an email notification with your email if you donate. I hope that won't deter anyone, because I feel the need to THANK YOU!
I won't do it publicly, but I would love to contact you and say thanks from our family. :)

Again, thank you so much for participating in our Penny Drive! Our goal with this drive is to be able to pay the adoption classes registration fee, which will be $400. If we are blessed beyond that, the money will go towards starting our homestudy, which costs $1200 up front. We are confident that God will provide!

If you are praying, please pray once again that this Fundraiser will be blessed! Pray for us to get our meeting with the caseworker set up this week. Pray for our birth family, whoever they are, that God will be working in their hearts even now.

And one more special prayer request for a dear friend's sister and her family, who is working hard to bring home their son, Isaac, from Russia. Sweet Isaac has Down's Syndrome and will be institutionalized if he isn't adopted out soon. You can folllow their blog at Room4love.blogspot.com and see their story!

Thanks everyone, we'll keep you posted! Save that spare change!!!