Ember's Story

I've been putting off this post for awhile, for a few reasons. The main one is I've just had no down time, between either being at the hospital with Ember or spending what little time we had at home with Jake and Eisley. But, those two started back at school today (my babies are in 1st Grade!!!), so I thought I'd at least start the story of Ember's arrival and see how far I got!

I would first like to thank everyone who has been so incredibly supportive of us this past week through prayer, encouraging phone calls and texts, stopping by the house, and just being there for us during this time. It has been a whirlwind, a roller coaster, and every other cliche' term you'd use for a week you can barely wrap your head around! Thank you so much for being so wonderful. Josh and I are truly blessed by each of you.

Well, I guess I will start with last Monday. Birth mom was scheduled to be induced (again) for Monday morning, so I decided I would go to work that day and just leave when she wanted us to come down. I was a nervous wreck, not knowing what to expect and not knowing what the day would hold. Mostly, though, I was just so relieved that there was an end in sight. These past few weeks have just been awful, waiting for something we've been dreading, not knowing what God was going to ask us to do, but having a pretty good idea that whatever it was would be very hard.

Shortly before lunch I got a call that due to some issues I won't go into, birth mom had been sent home and rescheduled for Tuesday morning. Ugh. Another let down. I could barely hold it together, and ended up leaving work because I just could not be there mentally or emotionally. I was a mess.

Tuesday came, and praise God! Her induction, which we were told four weeks ago would be happening the next day, FINALLY had begun! I could practically feel her breathe a sigh of relief as well, since I knew she was feeling physically and emotionally miserable. Josh and I prepared to go down to the hospital that evening, but birth mom was progressing really slowly. We ended up staying the night in our own beds, and while I was glad Josh could get a decent night's sleep, I don't think I fell asleep all night. I was worried about "Kim" and just wanted to keep praying for her, knowing what she was probably going through.

The next day we continued to wait for news, but it didn't come as fast as I was hoping. We got a call at some point in the late morning. She was still in labor, things were still going veeeery slowly, and the doctor's informed her that the baby would not only die within 24 hours, but that she would have major facial malformations, and we all needed to be prepared for that.

Deep breath. How do you prepare for that? You can't.

We settled in and prepared for another long evening and night. But, around 1:00, we got a call that we were not expecting at all. Kim had given birth to a beautiful, seemingly healthy baby girl. We of course knew her diagnosis was still a reality, but the fact that she was alive, perfectly formed outwardly, and having no immediate health issues was a miracle in itself. We packed up our kids and our stuff and got to the hospital as fast as we could!

I remember praying the entire way to the hospital, "Lord, just let her live long enough for me to hold her. Just let me hold her while she's alive, that's all I want."

Josh and I had decided that if we were still allowed to name her, we would go with our original girl name, Ember Rose. We had gone back and forth about changing it after we learned of her diagnosis, but after we heard of her birth, we decided she was always Ember Rose, and why should we change it now?

We met the adoption case worker in the parking lot of the hospital. It was about 417 degrees outside, and Josh and I were probably already sweating from nervousness. We had a diaper bag that was overflowing with things for this baby girl, things I didn't think we would need after we learned the baby's diagnosis, but at the very last second heading out the door I decided maybe I would need them after all, and just brought them along. We also had a few things for Kim, one of which was a charm necklace we had picked out shortly after she chose our family.

The next few minutes were spent trying to explain the entire complicated situation to nursing staff, getting the hospital social worker on the phone, and ironing out the confusion of the whole thing. We peeked in on Kim who was obviously exhausted, and she told us she'd like us to go see the baby, and that she looked great.

I was pretty nervous about how the staff would treat us or if we'd even be allowed to see the baby, let alone hold her. With the exception of one labor and delivery nurse (who wasn't even Kim's nurse and was totally outside the situation) who continued to give us the stink eye every single time we saw her even in the days following, the staff was wonderful to us.

We were led into the NICU with our case worker, and my heart was pounding so fast. I had no idea what to expect, but I can tell you right now I did NOT expect what I saw. What I saw was a perfect, gorgeous, breathtaking baby girl who looked as healthy as could be, getting her very first bath! I was convinced this was not the right baby, and even looked at Josh to see if he was thinking the same thing. But, it was her! I expected her to be, at the very least, hooked up to about a million different machines and completely sedated, and that was the best case scenario in my head. But there she was, wide awake, as perfect as any baby I have ever laid eyes on.

Ember had the most wonderful curly soft black hair I had ever seen, and I couldn't keep my hands off of it! Once the situation with the staff was straightened out, they asked if I'd like to hold her. Um...YES PLEASE!!! At that point we still weren't taking pictures so I don't have any of that exact moment, but it was something I will not soon forget. I thanked the Lord that I got to hold her, alive, and look into those beautiful brown eyes! I knew we were experiencing a miracle, and I couldn't wait to tell Jake that miracles do still happen! I was holding an actual miracle.

The hours that followed are a bit of a blur. I know that we spoke with the doctors about her condition, and they told us that they were at that time re-diagnosing her with a less severe form of the condition they diagnosed in utero, though the less severe form was still devastating in terms of the life Ember would be able to lead. We wouldn't know anything for sure until after her head ultrasound, which was scheduled for later that day.

I know that we spent every minute by that baby's side, and Josh and I were pretty much in a daze about what was going on. What were we going to do? This whole situation was nothing like we had anticipated. She obviously wasn't as bad as they thought, and though we knew she would have major special needs, how severe would they be? How severe could they be when she obviously was doing so well? How long would she live? Could we, possibly, maybe, somehow, end up taking this baby home after all? We had some big, very big, decisions to make. But in those moments, all we had to do was hold her. Kiss her sweet cheeks, touch her soft hair, cuddle her as closely as possible. And we did.

That evening Kim came in to hold Ember for awhile. We had a really nice talk with her, and though I'm sure many of you (including the nursing staff who could not contain their wide eyed stares in our direction) think that would just be the most awkward thing in the world, it wasn't. It was just...natural. We were three people that loved this baby so very much, and were worried about her, and thought she was beautiful, and wanted her taken care of. That's it.

Josh and I decided to give her some time alone with the baby and go grab some dinner. We drove to Jack in the Box and sat at a high top table where the guy cleaning the floors jabbered on at us incessantly about something I don't remember at all. All I could think was, "Please leave us alone! We have to talk about really serious stuff! We don't care who's giving you a ride home!"

After about ten minutes of that and then finally getting a couple minutes of silence, I asked Josh what we were gonna do. He just shook his head. It was in that moment that I felt so abandoned by God, like He dropped us in this ridiculous, absurd, unfathomable situation and then gave us no guidance whatsoever! Could we at least get a HINT about what You want us to do Lord?! Please? There are some moments in life where I feel so much younger than I am (and I'm pretty young, thank you). I felt that way then. Like a small child expected to make adult decisions.

Josh was getting frustrated with the crazy atmosphere at the restaurant and said he just needed to get out of there. We abandoned our food and walked to the car. It was still miserably hot outside and we just wanted to get back to the hospital and hold that sweet baby. We got in the car...and it wouldn't start.

You. Have. GOT. To be kidding me.

Our battery was dead, and we were stranded at a fast food chain. Really Lord? Really. We grabbed our soda and hoofed it back to the hospital. As we walked down the sidewalk and Josh called his dad about getting a new battery, I looked up at the sky, and I kid you not, there was a rainbow. It wasn't raining, it hadn't rained, it wasn't going to rain, there was just this rainbow. I tugged on Josh's arm to get him to look at it but he was too busy on the phone and I don't even think he heard me. I know how super cheesy this sounds, but I just felt like God was giving me this little reminder that He was still there, in the midst of this chaos, and He didn't desert us. He was just letting things play out, and we needed to continue to trust Him.

When we got back to the hospital we went in to hold Ember. Josh gave her a quick snuggle and then headed out to meet his dad to get a new battery. While he was gone, Kim came in to the NICU and stood on the other side of Ember's bassinet. I held one hand, and she held the other. We talked for about 30 minutes. Some things I remember, some I don't. I know she asked me if I thought Ember would be okay. I know we talked about what kind of schools we send our kids to, and how she didn't want Ember in public school. She told me she hoped she wouldn't give me as much trouble as she gave her own mother. She told me she thought the doctors had it wrong, that this baby would end up being okay after all. We talked about some things I won't put on the blog, but I will always remember. And she started to cry, and she told me she just hoped Ember wouldn't hate her. She was so afraid she would hate her, and think she wasn't wanted. I told her that I could not promise her much, but I could promise her that if we took Ember home, we would always speak highly of her mother. She would know how special her story is, and she would never, ever doubt how much her mother loved her. I would make sure of it.

To my knowledge Kim had never opened up so much before during this entire process, and I felt so blessed that God allowed us to have that time together, that He allowed me to share our faith with her and share how very much we loved this baby and wanted what was best for her. I am positive He orchestrated that entire situation so that we could have that time together, and I am so thankful He knows so much more than I do.

After coming in one more time to give Josh and me a hug and tell us thank you (as she wore her new necklace), Kim went home, and Josh and I found ourselves in the sole charge of this child we did not anticipate living past the day.

At some point, they came in to do her head ultrasound. I am fuzzy on the timing of things, but that ultrasound is a memory that will never fade as long as I live. I remember the tech putting the probe on her head, and looking at the screen. Josh was next to me and we were both holding her little feet. My heart sank into my feet when I saw it. There was nothing there. There was absolutely nothing in her head. Nothing. I looked at Josh to see if he understood the magnitude of what we were seeing, but couldn't tell if he did. I then convinced myself I was no expert, I was not a doctor, and what did I know about babies' brains? Maybe that's just how they look. Maybe I had no business reading into what I saw, or didn't see. I tried to talk myself out of the truth I knew deep in my heart. Ember not only had a brain abnormality, she didn't have a brain at all.

We were told we'd get the results the next day, and until then not to read into anything. I decided that's exactly what I needed to do. They told us only the day before that Ember would have severe facial deformities, that she wouldn't live to see the next day, and there she was, perfectly whole, no complications or signs of trouble, so who was I to fear the worst when things were not always as they seemed? I was then convinced that I had imagined it, that surely she had a brain, otherwise how could she take a bottle, open her eyes, respond to light and pain and sound? Certainly those things aren't possible without a brain, therefore I needed to just back up and calm down and wait for a real doctor to diagnose her.

Josh and I drove home late that night, exhausted both emotionally and physically. We talked about everything, about how beautiful she was, about how our lives would change if we were to adopt a special needs child, about how that would affect Jake and Eisley, our families, our jobs. We prayed and we talked, and we finally went to sleep.

I woke up at 4 a.m. the next morning, unable to fall back asleep. I got up and sat in our big comfy chair with my Bible, and spent some very intense and awesome time with the Lord. There is nothing like reading about His promises when you are confused and distressed and scared. I bawled my eyes out and told the Lord that we would do whatever He asked, if He would just make it clear to us what He was asking.

The next few days were spent holding and attaching to that gorgeous baby girl. We loved her, and that was the only thing we were sure of. Josh and I just wanted to do what the Lord was asking us to do, whatever that may be, but we were just so confused about what that was exactly.

We got to the point that we had accepted that Ember would have special needs, and that we could do that. We could bring her home, and we would love her abundantly. God would have to equip us to deal with all of that, one day at a time, but we were confident that if God wanted us to do this, that He would provide for it. It was terrifying. Terrifying. The thought of how our lives would change bringing a child into our home with such severe special needs. Would our families support us? Would we be capable of this? How would this affect Jake and Eisley?

But one thing was certain, God granted us total peace, even through our fears, that He would be there. That no matter what the future held, we would not be alone. That we needed to look not at how our earthly lives and comforts might be affected, but how being obedient would grow His kingdom and give Him the opportunity to show others what an awesome God we serve. We had to keep our focus on that, and let the noise of all going on around us fade into the background so we could hear what He was asking of us. We decided we just had to choose a path and pursue it, and pray that God would make it clear to us if we weren't going in the right direction. I was told by someone I love and respect so much that if our heart's desire is to be obedient to Him, He will make it clear to us if we are going the right way. He will either affirm that decision, or change our direction.

So we chose a direction. We would pursue bringing this little one home.

The next day I asked my sister to come to the hospital with me instead of Josh, just for the morning, so she could be there when the doctors spoke to me about Ember's test results. As I have mentioned before, she is a pediatric hospitalist, and actually worked with some of Ember's doctors in the past and had a good relationship with them. At one point, the resident came in and pulled up Ember's ultrasound pictures on the computer screen by her bed. As I was holding Ember, my sister and the doctor looked at them silently. They didn't say anything at all, not one thing. My sister stood to the side and asked me, "Can you see that? Do you see it?" The resident looked at me sympathetically as I said "Yes" and started to cry. I was right. I had been right all along, and I wished so much I had been wrong.

My sister sat down and explained to me what this meant exactly. Ember had hydranencephaly. She had no brain, only a brain stem, which allowed her to have reflexive functions like sucking and responding to pain. Only fluid was in her skull, and if they drained it with a shunt like I asked, hoping her brain would somehow expand, it would kill her.

I knew, I had known the whole time, but that was the moment it was confirmed to me. Ember was going to die. There was no telling when, but she was going to die as a baby, and Josh and I needed to make another decision.

I called him and told him the results. We were of course devastated for her as well as Kim. We had been holding out hope, and that hope was just extinguished. But, even so, we felt at peace with it. We felt that God was leading us in a different direction, and we again needed to seek His will and see where we ended up.

We knew this changed everything. We couldn't imagine bringing Ember home to die, not with Jake and Eisley to think about. But spending these days holding her, loving her more each time I looked at her, caring for her, bathing her, dressing her, being called "mom" by the nurses and doctors, it was just so hard to imagine not taking her home.

While Josh was still on his way to the hospital, all of Ember's doctors, her nurse, me, Lisa, and the social worker held a care conference in the family meeting room. I sat on the couch next to Lisa and looked into the kind, wise old eyes of Ember's neurologist. He explained Ember's diagnosis in detail. He told me Ember would die within the year, and he told me how she would likely die. He asked me to consider how it would affect my children to have her die in my home, and he said, and I quote, "Continuing with this adoption would be a mistake. It would be an incredible burden with absolutely no reward."

That's when I started to cry.

What he said might sound extremely callous and insensitive as you read it in black and white, but he said it with the best of intentions. He cared about us, it was clear to me, all of the doctors did, and they were absolutely mystified that we were still at the hospital with this baby knowing what we knew, let alone still considering bringing her home even with the diagnosis she now had. One doctor pleaded with us to consider the financial ramifications this would have on a young family, adopting a baby with such severe health issues. He told us he in no way wanted to make light of the situation, but just wanted us to be fully informed when making our decision.  That doctor pulled me aside three different times to try and explain his concerns about the adoption of this child.

Josh and I didn't know what to do. How do you make a decision like this? It was impossible. We wanted what was best for Ember, but we needed to make a decision that was best for Jake and Eisley as well. Was finding Ember dead in her crib one day something I wanted to possibly put Eisley through? What about the amount of time we would spend in hospitals making impossible decision after impossible decision while our children spent all of those hours away from us, with family members? Could we possibly bury another baby girl? How would we afford that? How would our families cope with bringing this child home, attaching to her, and, eventually, losing her? Hadn't we put them through enough?

But then we would look at her, and we would melt. If God wanted us to do it, we could do it. He wouldn't ask if it weren't something He wanted. We could not simply say no to Him just because of our fears. There is no scarier place to be than outside of God's will, and we certainly didn't want to be there. The doctors had talked with us about discharging her to a group home for medically fragile children, one that I am unfortunately familiar with due to the kids I see coming from there at my work now and then. Our social worker talked about finding a medical foster family, but they were having a hard time due to the extreme circumstances and the short notice.

I remember sitting next to Josh by Ember's bassinet and saying to him, "Maybe we should just bring her home. Just bring her home until they find someone who can care for her. I don't want her in a group home. I will not have her going to that hell hole to rot away and die alone."

He agreed with me, and we stared at her, and I thought about how we didn't bring the car seat with us because we never in a million years thought we would need it...but maybe we would after all.

And then my phone rang.

It was our case worker, and she asked if I had some time to talk. I stepped outside and listened as she told me that they had found a foster family for Ember. Not just a foster family, a family who had raised a baby with her exact diagnosis. She told me the foster mom was an active member in the foundation specific to Ember's diagnosis, that she knew more about the condition than any of us probably did, that she was ready and able to take Ember home as soon as she was released. She told me they were Christians and wanted us to stay involved in Ember's life and have a relationship with her if we wanted.

Yes, I was bawling by this time. It was a clear answer to prayer, and we were so thankful God had given us some clarity. Josh and I went to lunch and talked about how this family seemed perfect for her, that she would be well cared for and loved and would live and die in a family setting, not a sterile hospital group home. It was a huge load off of our shoulders, but I also felt I wanted to talk to this foster mother myself before we made any decisions. It was still essentially up to us. And I wanted to make sure whoever was going to take Ember was fit to do so.

I called the number our case worker had given us for the foster mom wanting to take Ember. I was so nervous I would hate her! I was prepared to say, "Nope! Not good enough! We will be taking her home thank you for your interest!"

She. Was. Amazing.

We spent 45 minutes on the phone talking about Ember, what she looked like, what she responded to, what her condition was, what the doctors were saying. She educated me immensely on the diagnosis and I learned way more about it in that one conversation that I did googling it for hours! She expressed how excited she was to meet Ember, how she missed her already, how she longed to bring her home and love her to pieces!

When I hung up with her I looked at Josh and told him she was perfect. We couldn't ask for more. Ember couldn't ask for more. As we were walking into the hospital I got an email from the foster mom telling me her "wish list" for Ember. It mostly included some medical things I wanted to ask the doctors about, but at the very end, she wished they would let Ember come home, because she missed her already. I cried, and I knew right there that God had brought the exact person meant to care for this sweet baby into our lives at the exact right moment.

After that, Josh and I felt like our role in Ember's life was changing. We would continue to be there for her, holding her and loving her and advocating for her, but we were not her parents, we were just her special guardians  entrusted with her until she could go home. We got to spend a few hours with the new foster mom  in the NICU, talking and talking and getting to know each other while we all cooed and awwwed over sweet Ember. That girl is so loved. So loved. She will never want for attention or affection, this I am sure of.

I came down with a really bad cold yesterday, and didn't get to see Ember today due to my not wanting to spread anything in the NICU. It was the first day I didn't get to see her since she was born. It was the first day Josh and I didn't spend hours upon hours by her side. Tonight, Josh went to see her and hold her and love on her a bit. He texted me while he was there. "I love her."

That is one thing we want everyone to understand. We love this child. So very much. But she is not ours. We made the decision that was best for her, as well as for our family, but make no mistake, she is a precious child of God and we would have taken her home in an instant if God would have allowed that. It just wasn't in His plan, and we are okay with that. He brought us into her life for a reason, for many reasons probably! And we feel so incredibly blessed that we were chosen to be a part of her life, even if it wasn't the way we planned.

I would love to eventually share all the conversations and comments we've had throughout this process. God has been able to use her little life and story to do some pretty big things for Him already, things we may never know the magnitude of! Ember's condition is so rare because when it is found in pregnancy, the recommendation is always to terminate. Always. And most people do. She is a miracle. She made it, and she was given the opportunity to make an impact on this world. We feel so blessed to help her do that.

Josh mentioned to me that this entire process has made him empathize so much more with birth parents. To decide not to take a baby home that you love dearly, that you want so much to give the best life possible to, it is an impossible decision to make. It gave us a glimpse into the struggle of a mother making an adoption plan, and I feel really blessed that we gained a new perspective and appreciation for what they go through, albeit on a much smaller scale.

Where do we go from here?

Right now, we are still transitioning Ember into the care of her new foster family. We are hoping she will be discharged next week, and plan to continue spending time with her until she is. We made a commitment to her birth mom that she would not be abandoned or alone, and we have no intention of breaking that commitment. We will go down there as often as we can, and you better believe I will be snuggling her to pieces and trying a dozen new handbands on her by the time I leave! Foster mom will be coming for visits as well until she can take her home for good. At that point, we will stay in touch with her foster family and maybe even get to visit with her now and then! We are hoping God has started a relationship with this foster family that will only grow from here, and seeing as how I have already spent hours on the phone with foster mom, I think it will!

Josh and I are talking about when we should go back up on the waiting list. We want things to settle in a bit, but we will get there, eventually. We are so thankful for your support as we navigated this complicated situation.

Our hope right now is that people will understand that we consistently sought God's will in all of this. We did not try to take the easy way out, and we did not choose to not take Ember home because we weren't open to special needs or that she wasn't perfect or wasn't good enough. Ember is perfect. She is perfect. But we felt very strongly that God had a different plan for her, a different family. We made the decision that was best for her, and best for Jake and Eisley. It wasn't our first choice. Our first choice would have been to take Ember home and love her until the Lord took her. But that just wasn't what the Lord had for us, and we are totally at peace with that.

We have had a lot of comments such as, "I can't believe you guys are doing this. You're amazing to be there for that baby. You're amazing to love her like that." We would like to clarify one thing: We are NOT amazing. We aren't. We are messed up, emotional, selfish, prideful sinners. Our God is AMAZING!!! It is only because of Him that we are capable of getting up in the morning, let alone capable of doing anything of worth in this life! It is not our love we are giving Ember, it is His love! It is only with Him that we can do anything, and without Him, we are all hopeless. We would also like to tell you that Ember is the easiest baby in the world to love. It is effortless, loving that baby. Anyone who has seen her or held her instantly falls in love with her! We are not somehow special because we have chosen to walk this path with Ember, but if you are wondering what makes us different, it isn't anything about us. It is all God! He is good, all the time, and He has been good throughout this entire process, even when certain things don't make sense.

We have no idea what the future holds. We're hoping it is a lot of joy, and at some point, a healthy baby to bring home to Jake and Eisley. But we have resigned ourselves to the fact that God may just have different, bigger plans for us. We are okay with that. Josh and I have gotten to spend a lot of time together, just talking about how this experience is affecting us, and it has been nice watching our relationship grow during times like these. Josh thinks that down the road, once our kids are grown, he could see us being a temporary medical foster family. That we could do good things through that. That we'd be good at it. I think he might be right. :)

Thank you for reading the novel that is Ember's story! To think I left out so much and this was probably my longest entry yet! I would love to share pictures of Ember with you, so if you see me, just ask me! She is truly magnificent! Just a beautiful, perfect little angel baby. And I'm not biased or anything. ;)

Stay tuned. We know God has lots more in store for our family. He always does...

Spark

I hope you will forgive me. Josh and I have had, most certainly, an incredibly exhausting week. We have been on a roller coaster of emotions, if ever there was one. We are chomping at the bit to tell you the whole story, and I promise, at some point, we will.

Right now, however, we are concentrating on one very beautiful little baby girl, Ember Rose, who has already blessed us immeasurably.

She is a beautiful disaster.

Ember and her mother are our main focus right now, and we hope you understand that at this point we just don't have the time, energy, or ability to share her incredible story. We are busy cuddling, kissing, and crying over this breathtaking baby girl.

Her story is filled with unspeakable highs and devastating lows. And I will take you through the whole thing, eventually.

For now, we ask that you continue to support our family in prayer.

Please pray for all of the people who love Ember, who have seen how beautiful she is and have marveled at her perfect physical appearance, and who have had to deal with the devastating blow that Ember cannot and will not survive or have any kind of conscience existence. The doctor's say she "cannot and will never be able to have a meaningful life"...but this is one thing she has proven them wrong about already! Ember's name means "spark" and comes with a story. It tells how everyone is drawn to the embers of a warm fire, and no one wants to leave until they're out. Her name fits her to a T. She draws crowds like no one I've ever seen, and no one wants to leave her side until she's gone. She leaves all who see her with a warm feeling of peace, and she is the spark her name defines!

Please pray for God to perfectly orchestrate the rest of her story, and that He will be glorified through it all! I can't wait to tell you of the amazing conversations Ember has allowed us to have with so many people who otherwise may never have heard how awesome our God is!

Please pray that Josh and I will have wisdom in the coming days. Pray for Jake and Eisley to continue having patience with us as we spend most of our waking hours at the hospital. Pray for our families as they are, once again, helping us walk through a very dark valley.

And most of all, pray for Ember Rose, that she will feel the love the doctors say she cannot be aware of. That she will continue to be a spark to those around her, sparking conversations deeper than any strangers usually feel comfortable having. And that God will use her tiny life that has been deemed meaningless, and give it the meaning only He could.

Job

Job 9: 18
"...he will not let me get my breath, but fills me with bitterness."

Job 7: 11
"Therefore I will not restrain my mouth; I will speak in the anguish of my spirit; I will complain in the bitterness of my soul.:

Job 7: 20b
"Why have you made me your mark?"

Job 6: 11-12
"What is my strength, that I should wait? And what is my end, that I should be patient? Is my strength the strength of stones, or is my flesh bronze?"

Job 5: 8-9
"As for me, I would seek God, and to God would I commit my cause, who does great things and unsearchable, marvelous things without number.

Job 5: 18
"For he wounds, but he binds up; he shatters, but his hands heal."


Job. I don't want to even begin to compare my life with his, or my troubles. That guy had it bad. God literally let Satan run rampant with all that was precious to him and make his life so miserable that Job says, "I loathe my life" at least three times that I counted while reading through the book today. He was a mess. He was hurting, and from what I gathered, his greatest heartbreak was not losing all he had, including all of his children, it was that the Lord and God he knew to be Sovereign let it happen. He could not make sense of it.

I was reading through the book of Job on my kindle on the way back from San Diego today. I highlighted so many passages that I might as well have just highlighted the whole book. I could have written it. It is so deeply and honestly raw. There are no cliche Christian encouragements or shallow pats on the proverbial shoulder. Job was hurting. He was confused. He questioned God and lamented at his situation. If you haven't read the book, I encourage you to do so. It's not that long. But if you have ever been heartbroken or deeply saddened, you will find comfort in someone else being way worse off than you, and inspired that he is somehow still praising God through it. Not in a fake, "All of this is God's will let me just roll over and smile" sort of way. In a "Lord, this sucks. My life is loathsome. I'm so hurt you would allow this. But I know I deserve worse, and I know you will create good from this" sort of way. (And the kicker is...He does. If you can trudge through the hard parts, there is a happy ending for all, though you'd never know it reading through chapters upon chapters of Job's 'woe is me, life hath left me to rot' perspective.)

We got word today that the sweet little baby girl we have been praying for and planning to adopt into our family has a specific and catastrophic gross brain abnormality. She was diagnosed a few days ago, and the diagnosis was confirmed today. She is not expected to live long after her birth. It could be moments, days, months...none of the possibilities are good enough in my heart. We are left, baffled, at yet another heart breaking scenario for our family. Why?

I don't want to pretend to make sense of any of this, because it is just so senseless. I am simply heartbroken for her and her mother. I'm so baffled. Emotionally I feel as if I have been smacked across the face in front of a crowd of people. I don't know what to do, or how to make the situation okay. I want my response to be graceful, yet I'm so hurt.

I feel like God never ceases to challenge me with situations I couldn't dream up if I tried. We prepared our hearts for the possibility of birth mom making a different plan. We prepared our family for the different scenarios of special needs and how that would impact us. We prepared to bring a baby home. We had a baby shower. My house is set up and ready to bring a baby home, like, tonight. If there was preparation to be had, we prepared it. This was totally out of left field, and we've had to completely turn to Him for our reaction and response. And despite my feelings of Job-ness, I am trusting that God will work it together for good. Only He could make anything of value out of this total and utter mess, but I know He can, and if it takes the rest of my life, I know He will.

This little pumpkin has such a hard little road ahead of her. We know there is always the possibility of God doing something totally God-like and allowing her to be born free of any abnormalities. But...we have been through enough of this kind of thing to know that it just doesn't happen like that most of the time. He is preparing us for the worst for a reason. Usually because the worst is about to happen.

I wanted a baby girl that was healthy and would be a physical part of our family forever. God, however, knew from the moment He created her that this would be how it panned out. That this birth mom would choose us, that we would learn of this news this late into the game, that she would have no one else. No one. As selfish as I am, I have come to realize that this whole situation just isn't about me and what I want. It is about a little baby girl that needs love for the little while that she is here. And Josh and I have made a decision that we will do what we can to love on her in the time that we have with her.

The adoption of this little one is complicated because of the situation. We just won't know anything until she is here. We still want to believe that God will grant us our desire to have a baby come home with us through adoption, but we are taking it one day at a time. We don't want to get ahead of ourselves and start thinking about going up on the waiting list again. We just need a little time.

What happens from here is just so dependent on what happens from here. This is not the end of our adoption journey, it is a major detour, for sure, but we know God will use it to grow our faith and bring us closer to Him and to each other. He already has.

Right now, we would like to ask everyone around us to be praying for this little one. She has a mother who is hurting very much, and I can relate to the feeling of knowing your baby won't live the full life you imagined. Please be in prayer for her. This baby girl has such a wonderful opportunity to impact so many lives, even though it is so different than what we ever imagined. Please pray that God will do awesome things through her short life.

We are totally resigning to God's will right now. Whatever He wants us to do, whatever role He wants us to play in this situation, we will do that. We'd like you to pray that He will make it very clear to us what He wants and that He will grant us the strength to do whatever He asks.

I honestly can't predict how things will play out. What I imagine happening is us being there for this little one as much as we are allowed to be, and supporting her until she leaves this world or blesses another family who is better equipped to take care of her. At this point birth mom wants to continue with an adoption plan, though we are wondering how her heart might change knowing her baby girl has only moments or days on this earth. She wants someone there to hold her and love her until she goes, and since right now that doesn't look like it will be her, we are wondering if it should be us. We will talk to the agency and see where we go from here.

Speaking of going from here...

Eventually we want to get back on the proverbial adoption horse, and ask that God bless us with a little one to bring home to Jake and Eisley. Eventually. I promise we'll get there. We knew this adoption faith walk would be long and hard, full of surprises and possibly heartaches. I knew that, and our family knew that. This is just par for the course. Stuff happens. We deal with it as best we know how, and we move forward.

This is something God wanted in our lives, and in your lives apparently, too. Do with it what you will. We are choosing to use this opportunity to love on this baby girl, name her, pray for her, advocate for her. To show her and her mother what it means to be a follower of Christ. To see "Kim" through her pregnancy and make sure she is not alone, and that this baby will not be alone. To be the an example of God's unconditional love to both of them. That's all we can do really. What can you do?

I feel like apologizing to everyone. We all were hoping so much for a more joyful outcome. I am trying to put away my feelings of selfishness and remember that there is a mommy hurting so much more than I am, that there is a baby girl who is at the brunt of all of this, who has such a hard little road ahead. Please be praying for her. Right now, I feel that our family and loved ones are responsible for interceding on her behalf. We are responsible for praying for her, and if you don't know what to pray for, pray God will use her life to make an impact for Him on this world! Honestly, she already has done that! What a special little girl, to impact so many who only a short time ago learned of her existence!

God has taken this sweet little baby girl who would have been born into this world practically alone and entrusted her with a family of people who are praying and loving on her. I don't know how long or in what capacity the Lord will allow us to be a part of her life, but we are a part of this chapter, and I will spend every moment that I think of her praising God for her creation and asking that He do something miraculous with it. Her existence was not an accident, and none of this is a surprise to God. Though we are shocked and dismayed by the outcome, I know God has been preparing our hearts for this for a very long time. My three pumpkins in heaven will greet her with open arms! That thought makes my heart so happy for her.

Once again, we are so thankful for the love and support of our friends and family. Sometimes I feel like it would be so much easier on everyone if they cut ties with us altogether. I feel so upset over the heartache we have caused among those around us. But the reality is, we are just being obedient to the Lord, and that comes with heartache sometimes. Welcome to life. I'm so sorry if I ever handle any of what the Lord asks of us with anything short of a humble heart. He has blessed our family more than words can even express. I am reminded of that every time I look into the eyes of my daughter or hear the belly laugh of my son. Who is more blessed than I am??? NO ONE!!!

The thought occurred to me today that there are so many people in this life who have been called to be Jobs. They are the ones people look at and say, "Wow. Sucks to be them. I'm so glad God doesn't treat me like that!" (Maybe those aren't our exact thoughts, maybe it's more on the side of, "Wow, God really trusts them with a lot. I can't imagine Him trusting me with all of that." But you get the idea). They are asked to handle more than the average human being thinks they are capable of handling, and yet they do it, so gracefully, with so much praise in their hearts for their Savior. Where does that come from? I can think of so many of those people in my life right now. I'm incredibly blessed to even be included in their story, counted as a friend, or asked to pray for them as they fight the Job-like fight. I'm honored to do so. But as trials persist and this road stretches out to be a lot longer and harder than we originally thought, I find myself relating more and more to Job and looking to those very Job-like people to inspire me and encourage me to be better at this.

Which can only mean one thing...I am one of those Jobs.

Dang it. When did that happen?

But. Jobs of the world, before you go running out of the house begging God not to burn down your last ox... listen. The upside to being a "Job" is that we get direct communication with our Savior. I'm not saying He doesn't listen just as intently to my friend Wanda who has never had so much as a hangnail in the trials department. I'm saying that we have more meaningful opportunities to have a special commune with Him when we are going through stuff like this. There is time set aside for you, for me, to lament. To cry. To ask Him why and fully expect a response, though we may not get one in the time frame we desire. Time for him to comfort us and help pull us up by the bootstraps. It's a gift. Take advantage of it. You will come out so much wiser and at peace with all that's gone down. I have never come out of a serious prayer and Scripture reading time where I have cried out to God and asked Him to show me the purpose in it all more upset with Him than when I entered. He always finds a way to calm me down and bring some light into the situation.

To our loved ones, we love you. Thank you for standing by us through another storm. Thank you for the encouragement, verses, hugs, and love you have sent our way. Stand back and watch our God make something beautiful from these ashes. I am fully confident He will.


Job 11: 14b "Let not injustice dwell in your tents. Surely then you will lift up your face without blemish. You will be secure and will not fear. You will forget your misery. You will remember it as waters who have passed away.And your life will be brighter than the noonday. Its darkness will be like the morning."

Oy Vay.

"Never go to bed angry."

I have heard that saying hundreds of times, and while I don't totally agree with it (sometimes, at three in the morning after you've been emotionally arguing for three hours, you just need to go to bed. Forget the stupid saying someone wrote on a card at your bridal shower. Go. To. Bed.), I think it can definitely be applied to blogging as well.

The last post, along with its spelling errors and emotional vomit, was the result of a really hard day. I was just stepping off of an emotional roller coaster that left me totally dizzy, nauseous, and confused. I felt the need to update everyone because I had been texting back and forth with so many people that I figured it would be easier to just update the blog. I felt the need to ask for prayer from our adoption support community, because, well, we really need the extra prayer right now, and so does this baby. 

All of that being said, it was really late at night, I was really upset, and I probably should have just gone to bed. But it is what it is. This entire journey is such an emotional roller coaster that one day we can be on the highest of highs, and the next the lowest of lows. Sometimes we can be both of those places all in one day, like we were yesterday!

I spent a lot of time (like, a LOT) on the phone with our caseworker today. I had sent her a very similar emotional email last night, albeit with many more details and emotional outbursts, and she was wonderful about talking me down this morning and reminding me Who is in control here. There is just so little we have control over, and that is even more true in this particular situation.

We are documenting this journey in a way that a lot of people wouldn't. Many people would go through all of this quietly, and deal with the emotional ups and downs privately . While many of the details of this situation will remain private, we feel like you guys have been praying for us and rooting for us since the beginning, and we want you to be on board with the whole thing. If that means this particular placement falls through, we know you will grieve with us and encourage us as we go back on the waiting list. If this baby is born with issues, we know you will be there to pray us through it and support us entirely. The other side of that is, we don't want anyone thinking this process is a piece of cake. That God isn't daily and momentarily working miracles and intervening in order for one particular child to be placed in our particular family. There are so many facets to adoption, and we want everyone to be aware of how God has worked out each and every detail. If we hadn't told you all that went down yesterday, I think you would have lost an opportunity to spend some time with the Lord, possibly on your knees asking Him for help. I know I would have. I'm not presuming to believe that every person who reads this blog is a Christian and/or they spend any amount of time praying for our family, but even those who aren't should have the opportunity to see God do awesome things. And if you aren't with us for the lows, you will not appreciate the highs nearly as much. 

What happened yesterday is just one of those things, one of those adoption shockers that just shouldn't be that shocking, though it is. What we expected to happen didn't happen. When will I start expecting the unexpected? 

So...what happens next? Where do we stand with this adoption? What can we be praying for? 

What happens next is...we wait. The mother of this baby is still pregnant, and has an appointment at the end of next week in which we are hopeful we will get some answers to specific questions about the health of the baby. We will be praying constantly that God work a miracle and allow this baby to be healthy. 

Where do we stand with this adoption? We are still the parents "Kim" has chosen to raise this baby. She still has the right and option to make a different plan, but so do we. Right now, we feel God wants us to stay put and see what happens. So that's what we'll do.

What can we be praying for? Everything!!! Pray for the mother of this baby, pray for the health of the child she's carrying. Pray for our family to be patient as we wait for some answers. Pray for Jake and Eisley. Their little hearts have had so much disappointment over the past couple of years! Jake asked me as I was tucking him in last night, "Is it okay to be mad at God?" I told him of course it's okay, as long as we talk to Him about it. He said, "Well, then if it's okay, I'm a little bit mad at God." I told Him I was too, but that I trusted that God loves us more than I love us, and I know He has good things for our family! And I snuggled the beans out of him until he fell asleep.

The truth is, I can say all the things I know to be true in order to encourage my children and my husband, but there are times when even though I'm saying them, it is hard to believe it myself. That's okay though. I am surrounded by friends and family who will remind me of the Truth even when I have forgotten it. 

I don't mean to sound awful, and I hope none of you take this the wrong way, but I cannot wait for the day when I am on the other side of trials. I want to be the one encouraging someone else through a very hard time, a tough wait, or a heart breaking scenario. I wish none of my friends or family had to go through any of those things, but when they do, I hope God will equip me to be there for them the way people have been there for me so many times. Our family is so grateful for the support of those around us. 

I know it is a bumpy ride, but thank you for following along with us! We are still hopeful that this placement will work out and this baby will be perfect, but we are preparing our hearts for the possibility of neither of those things happening. Time will tell. 

For now, we continue to enjoy each and every moment with our perfectly perfect children, who brighten even the darkest of days. My parents decided to up and take Jake and Eisley to Sea World next week, and I decided to tag along. My reasons are threefold...(Friends reference, anyone?) One...it is physically impossible to be sad at Sea World (this same fact can be applied to both Disneyland and Target, look it up). Two...I am off for three days next week and have no desire to sit around twiddling my thumbs with no children and nothing to do but worry and wait. And three...I would just miss them too much. ;)

Our caseworker said she thinks it is a fabulous idea, and since it is only about five hours away, if something were to happen and "Kim" went into labor, we would just book it back to Phoenix and hope for the best. What about Josh? You might ask. Well, you may or may not know this about Josh, but he enjoys his alone time. He has to work anyways, and yes, he will miss us very much for the two and a half days we are gone, but I think he just might enjoy the peace and quiet. ;)

Thank you again for following along on our crazy adoption journey. 

Stay tuned...

Vague

I hate vagueness. I hate when people are vague on facebook. I hate when people are vague on their blogs. I hate when people have "unspoken" prayer requests. Drives me up the wall. Just give it to me straight! If you don't want me to know the details, don't tell me about it at all! I think that might be a combination of impatience and nosiness. It's a major character flaw, and I'm aware of it.

Does anyone else find the above vague paragraph ironically vague? I apologize.

Here's the deal: I can't give all the details I want to give to people because as of yet, they're not my details to give. Despite all of that, I still want to ask you guys for prayer. I have a major "unspoken" prayer request, and for all of you who are like me and just had their ears perk up in morbid curiosity, I hear you.

Here's what we can tell you: The birth mom of the baby we have been planning to adopt had an ultrasound yesterday. We got word last night that there were some major concerns on the ultrasound, and they would be inducing her today. Josh and I dealt with that as best we could, and gave it all to God. I was in the middle of a two day dose of IV meds (which was supposed to be five days due to a recent relapse, but had to cut it short for obvious reasons) and my nurse was kind enough to give me one last dose early this morning while I packed up the kids and the things we would need for the hospital. We were very hopeful that what birth mom had been told at her ultrasound was more of a misunderstanding than anything else, for reasons of which I will continue to be vague. We got to find out the gender of the baby, which you will be really excited to know...we are also keeping vague. ;) I honestly wish I didn't know, but they told me right along with the rest of the news. We, however, decided not to tell our kids or families until this child is here and safe and in our arms, and at this moment that is looking...well...vague.

We aren't sure of the details, and the ones we are sure of we aren't really that sure of, but the birth mother did not get induced this morning as was the original plan. We are vague on the details, we are unsure of what is next, and we got some news that is making us question if this baby will end of placing with us at all. I know, vague, right? I'm sorry.You are now just as confused as we are, but probably less broken hearted, because I only gave you bits and pieces and you didn't have to explain all of these non details to two six year olds who were expecting to see their new sibling tomorrow.

Today started out so fun (other than being hooked up to an IV for four hours, but what's new there right?). The kids packed up their Big Brother and Big Sister shirts and took their back packs to Grandma's house to spend the night. We were hopeful we'd get to send them a picture of their new baby brother or sister by late tonight. Off they went, happy as clams. Josh and I straightened up, made sure the bassinet and baby things were ready to go, packed up the hospital bag, got stuff to read and listen to in case it was a long night, got a change of clothes, and got the car seat ready. We went to Target because I still needed a changing table pad for our changing table, and we wanted to pick a few things up now that we knew the gender (Okay, I had to pick a few things up. I'm sorry, I can't help it!)

We went to lunch at Chipolte and waited for our phone to ring. We were supposed to get a call around 1:00 that she had started her induction and we could come down. That call never came. A call did come about two hours later from the agency telling us that they would not be inducing after all, for reasons that make absolutely no sense to any of us. They told us she had been sent home by a nurse, who had made a passing remark about the health of the baby of which I won't even repeat here because it is so weird and totally inappropriate to give that kind of news to any expectant mother without even a doctor or social worker present. It makes NO SENSE. NONE. I could give you all the details so that you could all agree with me that the whole thing is a big fat mess, but I won't.

I will remind you, though, that this isn't just our disappointment. It is Jake's. It is Eisley's. It is our parents' and siblings' and close friends' who are right there dealing with all of this minute by minute and worrying as well.

What's going to happen from here? Who knows. We have a lot more questions, a million, and I'm not sure we will ever get the answers we want.

So tomorrow I will get up and go to work, just like I planned, right before I called in and said I would be starting maternity leave tomorrow, oops, and try to get back into the routine. I will have fun laughing with my goofy co-workers who no doubtedly will be bringing all kinds of sweet treats to the floor for TGIF. And I willwait some more. Wait for a phone call about this mom, about news on the baby, wait to possibly hear the news that this just isn't our baby after all and we will go back in the book. I don't know what I will hear, but I am praying that God just gives me inward peace, and outward grace.

That's my goal this go round. I've been handed a lot of just total crap hands, no one can deny that. I have learned over time that I might not have a choice about what happens, but I can ask for peace on the inside, and grace on the outside. The peace is for me, so I don't rip my pillows apart every night, so I don't take a baseball bat to the bassinet that taunts me in my room, that I don't take that particular bitter moment where my world is crunching in to send a nasty email to someone that "deserves a piece of my mind'",  that I don't fall asleep crying every single night that once again, we were so close, yet so far. The peace is for me. The grace...the grace is for everyone else.

Grace is going to work with a smile for those around you, even though you want nothing more than to hide in the bathroom and cry. Grace is allowing inquisitive remarks to touch you as innocent curiosities, not harsh attempts to make you wither away right there in the hallway. Grace is moving forward in body while protecting the shattered spirit within you while no one is the wiser. While patience protects yourself (and possibly the furniture in the near vicinity), Grace protects others.

I have no idea where we are at right now. As of now, we are still on hold and this birth mother still wants to place her baby with us. As of right now she can have the baby at any time. The only things we know for sure are that we know very little. There was a concern about brain development, but that is all we know. There hasn't been a second opinion so we're hopeful she'll get one. But that is up in the air.

So...we pray.

As always, we pray. We pray for the miraculous health of this baby. We pray for the mother to make wise decisions and be an advocate for herself and her unborn baby. We pray God will get her where she needs to get in order to get the best care possible. Pray for our kids as they are obviously confused and disappointed just like us.
Pray that God's will be done, no matter what, and that He will equip our family to recognize that plan and accept it fully once we do.

Thanks for your love and support.

No Baby Yet :)

I just wanted to pop in and update the blog, because I follow a lot of blogs and find myself getting antsy when they haven't been updated in awhile! So even though there is really no news, I felt you all deserved to know that there is no news. ;)

We are keeping very busy and are anxiously awaiting the birth of the baby! He or she is due in exactly ONE month, though there is a strong possibility of an earlier birthday. :) We just returned from a wonderful family vacation up north in Minnesota, visiting family and doing a lot of fishing! It was so nice to get out of this incredibly hot weather and enjoy wearing a sweatshirt now and again! I am also very busy helping my sister plan her upcoming wedding, and I go back to work tomorrow which will definitely help fill the hours while we wait for yet another life changing phone call that our birth mom is in labor!

One very fun thing that I got to do was take Eisley shopping for the baby's going home outfit. We will probably venture out to a few more stores before we make a final decision, but we found an adorable outfit for a both a boy and a girl, since we don't know what we are having! I kept the receipts so we can take back the gender that our baby isn't haha!

It is really interesting to me how different the 36 week mark is when you are pregnant versus when you are adopting! I remember being absolutely consumed with the fact that my babies could be born at any moment, and granted I was carrying 14 pounds of wiggly baby at that point so it was pretty hard to forget, but this time I often have to remind myself that our baby could come at any time! Josh was planning a trip with some friends for a few weeks from now and we both almost forgot that the baby might and will probably be born by then! It makes me realize how very different this experience will be, caring for a newborn that I didn't give birth to. Hopefully I will have a lot more energy this go round! I know I will have a lot more help with my two big kids to assist me!

Jake and Eisley are over the moon excited for the arrival of this little one. We have had to be diligent about gently reminding them that this baby's birth mother might change her mind, and that it would be okay if she did, even though we would be very disappointed. It is a fine line we are walking between preparing them for a new baby in the next couple of weeks and preparing them for the possibility of a lot more waiting if "Kim" changes her mind.

I am so excited for the arrival of this little one, but at times I am also gripped with fears that this baby might have major health and developmental issues, that "Kim" might change her mind, that I won't immediately attach to this baby the way I did to Jake, Eisley, and Lily. I know they are valid fears, which is why they are all the more scary. I would appreciate so much your prayers for those things!

As far as fundraising goes, WOW we are SO CLOSE to our goal!!! We are fully confident, as we have been from the beginning, that God will provide every penny that is needed for this adoption. We can't wait to reach that goal!

Thank you again so much for your continued prayers and encouragement. We have come such a long way, but this is really only the beginning of our adoption faith walk when you think about it! We haven't even adopted this baby yet! We can't wait to share the rest of our journey with you, and we are so thankful for your support and love.

Please be praying for the mother of this baby. Please pray for the health of the baby. Please pray that God will bring this baby in His own perfect timing, and that everything will go incredibly smoothly! Please pray that our family will immediately bond and fall in love with this child, and that we will be equipped to handle anything that comes our way! Please pray for God to prepare our hearts for what comes next on this journey!

I will keep you posted! Just for fun, here are a few pics from our recent vacay! ;)

A big family reunion picture, minus a few loved ones!

The Harrison Family with Grandma Betty

Jake loves fishing more than ANYTHING in the world !!! He is very good at it too!!!

He started to get a little cocky after his 60th fish...

Jake and Eisley with Uncle Mike and Aunt Coley

Eisley's favorite store ever!!!

Eisley's turtle took second place in the Turtle Races!

Goofing around!

They love to ride the Quads!

Eisley was quite the little fisher too!

Me and my sweet girl

On a boat yeaaaaah in our flippy floppies! ;)

Refiner's Fire...and Adoption Updates!!!

Okay...if you have been following our blog this past week and haven't sworn it off entirely due to your consistently ruined make-up before work and the fact that I have single-handedly boosted the Kleenex stock by 50%, we thank you. ;)

As I said before, this week was about remembering Lily, and praising God for how far He has brought us and the faithfulness He has shown to our family. Our lives are not all sunshine and roses, but they aren't all thorns either. We share our entire testimony with people, because it's real. There is a reason we were led to adoption. God used certain events in our lives to lead us down this path, and we think it is important to recognize those events and share our experiences with all of you.

There are so many people out there who can relate to our story, but not many people are as open about their pain as we have chosen to be. Everyone grieves so differently, and I really don't believe there is a right or wrong way to do it, I can only share how we did it, and how we get through it each day. We appreciate so much your support, even though I am sure I have made many of you "uncomfortable", and I know I have made many of you shed a few tears with us! But that's okay. I'm okay with uncomfortable, and I happen to think tears are good for the soul. :)

As I have reflected on this past year, I realized that God has used our experiences as a refiner's fire. For those of you unfamiliar with the concept, John Piper describes it this way...

"A refiner's fire does not destroy indiscriminately like a forest fire. A refiner's fire does not consume completely like the fire of an incinerator. A refiner's fire refines. It purifies. It melts down the bar of silver or gold, separates out the impurities that ruin its value, burns them up, and leaves the silver and gold intact. He is like a refiner's fire."

Our losses did not destroy us. They did not consume us. But God used them as a tool to melt away parts of us that, looking back, were unnecessary, harmful, or distracting to our walk with the Lord and the life in which He so badly wants us to be living. I have watched as pettiness, immaturity, and things that simply don't matter melt away over time as I experienced loss after loss, pain after pain. It gave us perspective, as these things usually do, as to what is truly important in this life, what is of eternal value, and what isn't.

I'm not saying I don't still get excited over my favorite TV show or a pair of cute earrings from Charming Charlie's. I still get upset over stupid things and Josh and I are not by any means above arguing over how to properly do the laundry. I am saying that, like it or not, we were forced to do a lot of growing up in the past few years, this last one especially. God has used these experiences to mature us (albeit against our will) and challenge our walk with Him. Being a Christian is a pretty cushy gig here in America. It really isn't that hard, in my humble opinion, to trust the Lord with your life when things are going well. But to trust Him when your children are taken from you? When you are in such a dark place that you can't seem to find the light? It made us truly explore our faith, challenged it in ways that grew my relationship with the Lord immensely. If I can trust Him through this past year, I believe I can trust Him through anything.

He didn't just refine the things in our lives, He refined the people in them. Grief experiences like losing Lily, and leaps of faith like adoption, is incredibly telling in the area of relationships (and I am sure I am not the only one who has noticed this, as I have heard it said of so many who have walked in our shoes). Every experience from the loss of Lily to our adoption, we have watched as people have either rallied around us, supported us full force, or faded into the background quietly. You find out who your true friends are in times like these, and we certainly have. I have grown so much closer to my family and my friends who have walked this road with us. Still, we have also lost some relationships, and realized that some relationships simply will never grow past that of casual friendships. Relationships that can survive the turmoil of life events like these end up being stronger, unbreakable, and everlasting. But through that refiner's fire, some of our relationships have been separated out and melted away. Though every friendship that is lost is sad, I would never change it, because that refiner's fire also left us with "the silver and gold intact." The loved ones that God wants in our lives to support each other, love each other, and encourage each other's walk with Him, those are the ones that turn to silver and gold in times like these! 

We have so much more "refining" to do. This is just the beginning, I am sure, but I have realized the process of refinement is so much easier when you don't fight it. I've come to actually pray that God will show me what needs to be melted away in my life, from things to people to habits, and when I do He is incredibly quick to show me! It is painful, but it is so worth it.

Now, all of that being said, I would like to give you a few updates in the adoption arena! Things are moving right along, and we've had some pretty big developments in the past couple of weeks! First of all, if you haven't already noticed, take a quick gander over at the funds thermometer! We are SO CLOSE to being fully funded for this adoption!!! Our puzzle piece fundraiser was a great success, but I don't have a final total yet because people are still buying puzzle pieces! If you would like your name on a piece, just let me know. We were going to "close" the fundraiser this week, but there is still plenty of room for your name, so if you want one just let us know! 

I am overjoyed, but not surprised in the least, at how God has provided for this adoption! When we started this process, it was a HUGE leap of faith that we would somehow be able to come up with nearly $13,000 over the course of just a few months. But little by little, through each one of you, He provided! And here we are, only weeks away from bringing our baby home, and we are nearly fully funded! It is simply amazing. I am so thankful for each one of you, for how you have sacrificed and participated and supported us. I wish I had the time to write each person who donated a long, hand written note of thanks. Please, please know how grateful we are. This would have been impossible without your generosity. Thank you.

In other adoption news, you might have caught my passing reference to meeting the birth mother of our child in a previous post! When we were matched with this birth mother, who I will refer to as "Kim" for privacy reasons for now, she initially was not planning to meet with us before the birth. But after a few emails between us and her case worker, Kim decided she would be open to meeting with us after all! We were sooooooooooooo nervous!!!. It just so happened that the only available date for all of us to get together was yesterday, Lily's first birthday. 

Josh has little to no concept of nervousness, as he never gets nervous about anything (I hate him for that), but I was a complete wreck driving out there. I actually had been so busy in the weeks and days leading up to the meeting that I hadn't had time to dwell on it much, but as we drove out there to meet the woman who has chosen us as the parents for her child, I was freakin' out big time. My only consolation was that Kim was probably just as nervous as I was, so hopefully she would be understanding!

The minute we saw each other and were introduced, I could tell I was right, she was just as nervous as I was! Thankfully the case worker was there to facilitate the whole thing and help fill the conversation gaps and silences. It was a very casual meeting, and I only realized after the meeting was over that at some point I had actually kicked off my flip flops and had my feet wedged under me on the couch! And Heather, you will be interested to know, I held a throw pillow for dear life during the entire meeting! (Heather knows that throw pillows are my security blanket) ;)

We basically talked in more detail about everything in our Match Letter, but it was nice to just get a feel for each other in person the way you just can't do through letters and pictures. Kim is an incredibly sweet, laid back, intelligent girl, and I was so happy I got the opportunity to meet her before the baby comes! 

She asked us if we had a feeling one way or another if it was a boy or girl, and we said no! She told us she has a VERY strong feeling it is a boy...so we shall see! (No one knows what it is, it will be a big and wonderful surprise!!!) She told us numerous times, "I consider this your baby already, this is your child." Which of course brought tears to my eyes. She asked us what names we were considering, and I cannot even BEGIN to tell you how nervous I was to tell her! I was terrified she wouldn't like them! So scared, in fact, that I didn't even tell her the boy name, because I suddenly became unsure if I even liked it! Haha!

We went over the plan for the hospital. At this point, Kim would like me and Josh to be at the hospital for her labor and in the delivery room for the baby's birth! We are pretty excited at the possibility of being there for our child's birth, but of course we are leaving room for the possibility of Kim changing her mind, and would completely understand if she did. 

Kim told us she would like us to pick out and bring the baby's going home outfit to the hospital, so yay I get to go shopping! ;) All in all, it went really well, and we are so thankful we got the chance to meet with her and get to know her a little bit.

The baby is due (technically) on August 2nd, but we have it on good authority that Kim will most likely deliver in the next two to four weeks. We are praying that God will just help us all to be patient until He brings this baby in His perfect timing! 

I feel the need to reiterate the fact that this baby is not our baby, yet. Yes, Kim has made it very clear that she has chosen us to parent her child, but she is under no obligation to follow through with that decision. It is completely within her rights to change her mind, to make a different plan, to do whatever she wants. Though we are confident at this time that Kim has made up her mind and has no intention of changing it, this is her baby. She can make whatever choices she wants, and until the adoption is official when she signs papers somewhere near 72 hours after the baby's birth, even if we have already brought him or her home, she has every right and opportunity to make another decision. We would support her in whatever decision she made,  though of course we would be so disappointed and saddened if this adoption placement were to fall through. But if that happened, we would know that God has a different plan for us, and for whatever reason, just wanted us to be a small chapter in Kim's life.

We are very optimistic about this match, however, and are planning for this baby as much as we can! I can't believe we could very well have a new baby in just a few short weeks! It is surreal, and just hasn't quite sunken in yet. We are so excited, though, and I know the days will just fly by! 

We won't be posting for awhile as we have a family vacation planned, so hopefully I will be back online in about two weeks. Who knows, the next post could be THE POST!!! :)

If you are praying for us, please cover "Kim" in prayers. Pray for her heart. Pray for wisdom for her, for her to get the support she needs at this time. Please pray for the baby. We are still facing the possibilities of health issues for this little one, and are praying fervently that God blesses it with perfect health! Please pray that the baby does NOT decide to make its appearance while we are on vacation haha! And pray for our family, that God will equip us with the love and tools we need to welcome this child into our home and lives.

Thank you so much for continuing to follow along on our Adoption Faith Walk! It has been such an incredible journey so far, and I am super excited about what's to come!!!

The Call (Part 2)

First of all, Josh and I want to thank everyone so much for your excitement and support!!! We have had so much fun reading all of the encouraging texts and messages on Facebook and the blog regarding the match. We are very excited too and love sharing in the joy with everyone! I wanted to write more about the hours following the call, mostly for my own benefit for down the road when the details become blurry. :)

After I got off the phone with the adoption agency, I went back into the movie theater. The kids both asked me (a little too loudly) why I had been gone for so long. "Were you in the potty that whole time!?!" Eisley asked.  Josh just looked at me and I could tell he knew something was up. I leaned over and said, "It was the adoption agency. We got picked by a birth mom." Josh raised his eyebrows and smiled and said, "Really?" I started to tell him some details, but realized it just wasn't gonna work in a dark, quiet movie theater with kids shushing us all around. ;) I told him we'd talk after the movie, and of course I have no recollection of how that movie ended!

We couldn't even make it out to the car without all three of them asking me a million questions, so right there while we walked to our car in the blazing parking lot of a movie theater, I told everyone that we got the call! We had been picked and the baby is due to come in 8 weeks or less! Jake smiled, Eisley said, "Yaaay!" and Josh said something to the effect of, "Cool dude." ;)

The whole way home I gave Josh details of the phone call. We have known for a few weeks that this potential birthmom was a possibility and we had been notified that we were being considered by her, so he knew the background of the situation since we have been praying for it for awhile. We discussed again the potential risks this baby was facing and how scary that was. We talked about how it was crazy that it was really happening. We smiled.

When we got home, we talked about who and how we should tell people. Only a handful (a very small handful) of people knew about this birthmom and had been praying for us, one of whom was my sister, so I knew I had to call her first (that, and I always call her first). I was so excited to tell her, but deep down in my heart and creeping around the back of my brain, I knew she would be the only person who would be realistically concerned over the scary possibilities this situation held. I called her and told her, "Well, we got the call, and we've been chosen by a birthmom!" She was thrilled and started to cry, and then I knew I had to tell her the rest. "Is this the same situation you've known about for awhile?" I took a deep breath and said, "Yes."

And it was quiet. For those of you who don't know, my sister is a pediatrician at a huge children's hospital here in town. I tell you that because she, just like me, has seen the worst case scenarios again and again. Once you have seen certain things, it is nearly impossible to be entirely optimistic about certain situations. I bit my lip as she very gently asked me if we were prepared to raise a child that "could potentially have major issues for the rest of its life" and if we truly felt at peace about that. She said absolutely nothing hurtful, she said it in the most gentle way she possibly could, and she spoke with love in her words, but right then, I lost it. I started bawling, unable to control the tears as they poured out of my heart. All of the fears, all of the possibilities of what could happen ran through my brain over and over. It was a very hard conversation. But it was one that I had to have. And it was one that I had again with Josh after I hung up with Lisa. And it was not easy at all.

If you are reading this blog, you know our history. You know that we are keenly aware of what can go wrong in a pregnancy. I no longer have the luxury of naivety. I lost that a long time ago, and even though this is not my pregnancy, this child is hopefully going to be my child, and I have those same anxieties that I did with all of the children I have carried myself. This particular pregnancy carries added risks, risks we aren't discussing with the general public, but risks that demand a lot of extra worry and prayer.

When Josh and I were approached with this situation a few weeks ago, we were asked if we would consider being presented to a potential birthmom with XYZ situations. We decided together that we weren't willing to flat out tell the Lord "No, we will not even consider the possibility that this is your will for us," so we agreed to be presented to her. We begun praying that day that the Lord would show us very clearly if this was His will, and if we were not the ones who were best fit to raise this child, that He would close the door firmly. And if we are being 100% completely honest here, I think we each hoped deep, deep down, that He would close that door. We were still holding out hope that we would get a call one day that a perfectly healthy infant with absolutely no issues or difficulties was born and ready to go home that day. ;)

Everyone wants the easiest, most carefree lives as possible. It's human nature! The unknown is so scary, but the unknown with the added risks we were facing was downright terrifying. And we had to accept that it is perfectly okay and normal to be scared! But it is not okay to disobey the Lord's obvious will for you just because of that fear. That is not an easy truth, and I can find a million different ways to excuse it and sugar coat that disobedience, but the fact is that if you know in your heart God wants something for you, and you ignore that, you are choosing a much harder path for yourself in the long run. And I can guarantee you are missing out on something amazing!

Josh and I both feel very strongly that God will equip us to handle any situation He gives us. We asked Him to make it clear to us where He wanted us, and so far He has been extremely clear! This incredibly brave mother chose us, and no matter what this situation might bring, we are committing to this child and are overjoyed that God is possibly choosing to bless our family with him or her! And after some tears and talking, my sister agreed completely. She is the best sister and auntie anyone could ask for, after all. :)

We decided we might as well share the good news, seeing as the baby is due in just a few weeks! Plus we had already told our kids, and six year olds are not best known for their secret keeping abilities. ;) Josh texted his sister and her husband (it was their wedding anniversary and we told them we got them a present!), I texted my brother, and called my parents. My mom was of course overjoyed, and I cannot tell you what a balm to my soul it was to hear her squeal with delight over her new grandbaby, even though she knew full well the whole situation. She was so encouraging, so happy, and after my conversation with her, I think that's when I really let myself get truly excited over this news. We were expecting a baby!

We planned to tell Josh's parents that evening, in person, as they were taking the kids for a couple hours so Josh and I could go out and celebrate our anniversary. At dinner that night, Josh and I discussed baby names (we have settled on a girl name, but are still tossing around boy names...sorry, they are a secret!!!). After dinner we went next door to Babies R Us and bought the baby a present, a little stuffed girraffe! Since we don't know if it is a boy or a girl (and probably won't until the birth), we had to find something neutral, and I just thought it was so cute!!!

We were seeing a movie (Men in Black III, for future reference) so we got settled in the theater but still had about 45 minutes before it started. What better opportunity than that to share the exciting news with my closest friends? ;) (I am realizing now how much of this monumental day has been centered around movie theaters and sequels...hmmm...) I texted a couple of my best friends and nearly killed my phone battery going back and forth with them over the news. If texts had a sound, these would have been LOUD!!! I could practically hear them squeeling even though they were miles away! :)

Josh had to practically rip my phone from my hands when the movie started, so I had to take a break from it and sit through an ENTIRE movie, which is not easy to do when you are so excited! ;)

Afterwards we went back to Josh's parents house to pick up the kids and give them their anniversary present (Yes, it was their anniversary too the next day! What is going on here!?!). That worked out nicely though because it gave us the perfect way to tell them. We wrote in their card that for their anniversary we got them a Pita Jungle gift card and a new grandbaby. ;) They didn't believe us at first, but when they did they were very excited!

So that ends our very exciting day. Later that night I wrote the last blog entry "The Call..." and that was how we announced it to the rest of our loved ones!

Today Eisley and I went to Target to scope out some baby gear. She was so excited and we just had the best time looking at things. We got the chance to talk together and I will have to do a whole individual post on that trip. ;)

Our family is obviously so excited over this new baby. He or she is actually growing as we speak, becoming who they are going to be forever! With our excitement, though, comes feelings I have a hard time describing. We have no control over what is happening to this baby, how they are being cared for, if they are okay or if they are going to be okay. It is really, really hard. We need your prayers more than ever for this child.

We are asking humbly that you guys be in serious prayers for this baby and his or her birthmom. Please pray for the baby's protection and health. Pray for birthmom's heart these next few weeks. Pray that both of them will get the care they need. Pray that this little one arrives safe and sound, and that God will prepare us for whatever lies ahead!

Thank you so much for your support of our family! We love you all very much!