Ember's Story

I've been putting off this post for awhile, for a few reasons. The main one is I've just had no down time, between either being at the hospital with Ember or spending what little time we had at home with Jake and Eisley. But, those two started back at school today (my babies are in 1st Grade!!!), so I thought I'd at least start the story of Ember's arrival and see how far I got!

I would first like to thank everyone who has been so incredibly supportive of us this past week through prayer, encouraging phone calls and texts, stopping by the house, and just being there for us during this time. It has been a whirlwind, a roller coaster, and every other cliche' term you'd use for a week you can barely wrap your head around! Thank you so much for being so wonderful. Josh and I are truly blessed by each of you.

Well, I guess I will start with last Monday. Birth mom was scheduled to be induced (again) for Monday morning, so I decided I would go to work that day and just leave when she wanted us to come down. I was a nervous wreck, not knowing what to expect and not knowing what the day would hold. Mostly, though, I was just so relieved that there was an end in sight. These past few weeks have just been awful, waiting for something we've been dreading, not knowing what God was going to ask us to do, but having a pretty good idea that whatever it was would be very hard.

Shortly before lunch I got a call that due to some issues I won't go into, birth mom had been sent home and rescheduled for Tuesday morning. Ugh. Another let down. I could barely hold it together, and ended up leaving work because I just could not be there mentally or emotionally. I was a mess.

Tuesday came, and praise God! Her induction, which we were told four weeks ago would be happening the next day, FINALLY had begun! I could practically feel her breathe a sigh of relief as well, since I knew she was feeling physically and emotionally miserable. Josh and I prepared to go down to the hospital that evening, but birth mom was progressing really slowly. We ended up staying the night in our own beds, and while I was glad Josh could get a decent night's sleep, I don't think I fell asleep all night. I was worried about "Kim" and just wanted to keep praying for her, knowing what she was probably going through.

The next day we continued to wait for news, but it didn't come as fast as I was hoping. We got a call at some point in the late morning. She was still in labor, things were still going veeeery slowly, and the doctor's informed her that the baby would not only die within 24 hours, but that she would have major facial malformations, and we all needed to be prepared for that.

Deep breath. How do you prepare for that? You can't.

We settled in and prepared for another long evening and night. But, around 1:00, we got a call that we were not expecting at all. Kim had given birth to a beautiful, seemingly healthy baby girl. We of course knew her diagnosis was still a reality, but the fact that she was alive, perfectly formed outwardly, and having no immediate health issues was a miracle in itself. We packed up our kids and our stuff and got to the hospital as fast as we could!

I remember praying the entire way to the hospital, "Lord, just let her live long enough for me to hold her. Just let me hold her while she's alive, that's all I want."

Josh and I had decided that if we were still allowed to name her, we would go with our original girl name, Ember Rose. We had gone back and forth about changing it after we learned of her diagnosis, but after we heard of her birth, we decided she was always Ember Rose, and why should we change it now?

We met the adoption case worker in the parking lot of the hospital. It was about 417 degrees outside, and Josh and I were probably already sweating from nervousness. We had a diaper bag that was overflowing with things for this baby girl, things I didn't think we would need after we learned the baby's diagnosis, but at the very last second heading out the door I decided maybe I would need them after all, and just brought them along. We also had a few things for Kim, one of which was a charm necklace we had picked out shortly after she chose our family.

The next few minutes were spent trying to explain the entire complicated situation to nursing staff, getting the hospital social worker on the phone, and ironing out the confusion of the whole thing. We peeked in on Kim who was obviously exhausted, and she told us she'd like us to go see the baby, and that she looked great.

I was pretty nervous about how the staff would treat us or if we'd even be allowed to see the baby, let alone hold her. With the exception of one labor and delivery nurse (who wasn't even Kim's nurse and was totally outside the situation) who continued to give us the stink eye every single time we saw her even in the days following, the staff was wonderful to us.

We were led into the NICU with our case worker, and my heart was pounding so fast. I had no idea what to expect, but I can tell you right now I did NOT expect what I saw. What I saw was a perfect, gorgeous, breathtaking baby girl who looked as healthy as could be, getting her very first bath! I was convinced this was not the right baby, and even looked at Josh to see if he was thinking the same thing. But, it was her! I expected her to be, at the very least, hooked up to about a million different machines and completely sedated, and that was the best case scenario in my head. But there she was, wide awake, as perfect as any baby I have ever laid eyes on.

Ember had the most wonderful curly soft black hair I had ever seen, and I couldn't keep my hands off of it! Once the situation with the staff was straightened out, they asked if I'd like to hold her. Um...YES PLEASE!!! At that point we still weren't taking pictures so I don't have any of that exact moment, but it was something I will not soon forget. I thanked the Lord that I got to hold her, alive, and look into those beautiful brown eyes! I knew we were experiencing a miracle, and I couldn't wait to tell Jake that miracles do still happen! I was holding an actual miracle.

The hours that followed are a bit of a blur. I know that we spoke with the doctors about her condition, and they told us that they were at that time re-diagnosing her with a less severe form of the condition they diagnosed in utero, though the less severe form was still devastating in terms of the life Ember would be able to lead. We wouldn't know anything for sure until after her head ultrasound, which was scheduled for later that day.

I know that we spent every minute by that baby's side, and Josh and I were pretty much in a daze about what was going on. What were we going to do? This whole situation was nothing like we had anticipated. She obviously wasn't as bad as they thought, and though we knew she would have major special needs, how severe would they be? How severe could they be when she obviously was doing so well? How long would she live? Could we, possibly, maybe, somehow, end up taking this baby home after all? We had some big, very big, decisions to make. But in those moments, all we had to do was hold her. Kiss her sweet cheeks, touch her soft hair, cuddle her as closely as possible. And we did.

That evening Kim came in to hold Ember for awhile. We had a really nice talk with her, and though I'm sure many of you (including the nursing staff who could not contain their wide eyed stares in our direction) think that would just be the most awkward thing in the world, it wasn't. It was just...natural. We were three people that loved this baby so very much, and were worried about her, and thought she was beautiful, and wanted her taken care of. That's it.

Josh and I decided to give her some time alone with the baby and go grab some dinner. We drove to Jack in the Box and sat at a high top table where the guy cleaning the floors jabbered on at us incessantly about something I don't remember at all. All I could think was, "Please leave us alone! We have to talk about really serious stuff! We don't care who's giving you a ride home!"

After about ten minutes of that and then finally getting a couple minutes of silence, I asked Josh what we were gonna do. He just shook his head. It was in that moment that I felt so abandoned by God, like He dropped us in this ridiculous, absurd, unfathomable situation and then gave us no guidance whatsoever! Could we at least get a HINT about what You want us to do Lord?! Please? There are some moments in life where I feel so much younger than I am (and I'm pretty young, thank you). I felt that way then. Like a small child expected to make adult decisions.

Josh was getting frustrated with the crazy atmosphere at the restaurant and said he just needed to get out of there. We abandoned our food and walked to the car. It was still miserably hot outside and we just wanted to get back to the hospital and hold that sweet baby. We got in the car...and it wouldn't start.

You. Have. GOT. To be kidding me.

Our battery was dead, and we were stranded at a fast food chain. Really Lord? Really. We grabbed our soda and hoofed it back to the hospital. As we walked down the sidewalk and Josh called his dad about getting a new battery, I looked up at the sky, and I kid you not, there was a rainbow. It wasn't raining, it hadn't rained, it wasn't going to rain, there was just this rainbow. I tugged on Josh's arm to get him to look at it but he was too busy on the phone and I don't even think he heard me. I know how super cheesy this sounds, but I just felt like God was giving me this little reminder that He was still there, in the midst of this chaos, and He didn't desert us. He was just letting things play out, and we needed to continue to trust Him.

When we got back to the hospital we went in to hold Ember. Josh gave her a quick snuggle and then headed out to meet his dad to get a new battery. While he was gone, Kim came in to the NICU and stood on the other side of Ember's bassinet. I held one hand, and she held the other. We talked for about 30 minutes. Some things I remember, some I don't. I know she asked me if I thought Ember would be okay. I know we talked about what kind of schools we send our kids to, and how she didn't want Ember in public school. She told me she hoped she wouldn't give me as much trouble as she gave her own mother. She told me she thought the doctors had it wrong, that this baby would end up being okay after all. We talked about some things I won't put on the blog, but I will always remember. And she started to cry, and she told me she just hoped Ember wouldn't hate her. She was so afraid she would hate her, and think she wasn't wanted. I told her that I could not promise her much, but I could promise her that if we took Ember home, we would always speak highly of her mother. She would know how special her story is, and she would never, ever doubt how much her mother loved her. I would make sure of it.

To my knowledge Kim had never opened up so much before during this entire process, and I felt so blessed that God allowed us to have that time together, that He allowed me to share our faith with her and share how very much we loved this baby and wanted what was best for her. I am positive He orchestrated that entire situation so that we could have that time together, and I am so thankful He knows so much more than I do.

After coming in one more time to give Josh and me a hug and tell us thank you (as she wore her new necklace), Kim went home, and Josh and I found ourselves in the sole charge of this child we did not anticipate living past the day.

At some point, they came in to do her head ultrasound. I am fuzzy on the timing of things, but that ultrasound is a memory that will never fade as long as I live. I remember the tech putting the probe on her head, and looking at the screen. Josh was next to me and we were both holding her little feet. My heart sank into my feet when I saw it. There was nothing there. There was absolutely nothing in her head. Nothing. I looked at Josh to see if he understood the magnitude of what we were seeing, but couldn't tell if he did. I then convinced myself I was no expert, I was not a doctor, and what did I know about babies' brains? Maybe that's just how they look. Maybe I had no business reading into what I saw, or didn't see. I tried to talk myself out of the truth I knew deep in my heart. Ember not only had a brain abnormality, she didn't have a brain at all.

We were told we'd get the results the next day, and until then not to read into anything. I decided that's exactly what I needed to do. They told us only the day before that Ember would have severe facial deformities, that she wouldn't live to see the next day, and there she was, perfectly whole, no complications or signs of trouble, so who was I to fear the worst when things were not always as they seemed? I was then convinced that I had imagined it, that surely she had a brain, otherwise how could she take a bottle, open her eyes, respond to light and pain and sound? Certainly those things aren't possible without a brain, therefore I needed to just back up and calm down and wait for a real doctor to diagnose her.

Josh and I drove home late that night, exhausted both emotionally and physically. We talked about everything, about how beautiful she was, about how our lives would change if we were to adopt a special needs child, about how that would affect Jake and Eisley, our families, our jobs. We prayed and we talked, and we finally went to sleep.

I woke up at 4 a.m. the next morning, unable to fall back asleep. I got up and sat in our big comfy chair with my Bible, and spent some very intense and awesome time with the Lord. There is nothing like reading about His promises when you are confused and distressed and scared. I bawled my eyes out and told the Lord that we would do whatever He asked, if He would just make it clear to us what He was asking.

The next few days were spent holding and attaching to that gorgeous baby girl. We loved her, and that was the only thing we were sure of. Josh and I just wanted to do what the Lord was asking us to do, whatever that may be, but we were just so confused about what that was exactly.

We got to the point that we had accepted that Ember would have special needs, and that we could do that. We could bring her home, and we would love her abundantly. God would have to equip us to deal with all of that, one day at a time, but we were confident that if God wanted us to do this, that He would provide for it. It was terrifying. Terrifying. The thought of how our lives would change bringing a child into our home with such severe special needs. Would our families support us? Would we be capable of this? How would this affect Jake and Eisley?

But one thing was certain, God granted us total peace, even through our fears, that He would be there. That no matter what the future held, we would not be alone. That we needed to look not at how our earthly lives and comforts might be affected, but how being obedient would grow His kingdom and give Him the opportunity to show others what an awesome God we serve. We had to keep our focus on that, and let the noise of all going on around us fade into the background so we could hear what He was asking of us. We decided we just had to choose a path and pursue it, and pray that God would make it clear to us if we weren't going in the right direction. I was told by someone I love and respect so much that if our heart's desire is to be obedient to Him, He will make it clear to us if we are going the right way. He will either affirm that decision, or change our direction.

So we chose a direction. We would pursue bringing this little one home.

The next day I asked my sister to come to the hospital with me instead of Josh, just for the morning, so she could be there when the doctors spoke to me about Ember's test results. As I have mentioned before, she is a pediatric hospitalist, and actually worked with some of Ember's doctors in the past and had a good relationship with them. At one point, the resident came in and pulled up Ember's ultrasound pictures on the computer screen by her bed. As I was holding Ember, my sister and the doctor looked at them silently. They didn't say anything at all, not one thing. My sister stood to the side and asked me, "Can you see that? Do you see it?" The resident looked at me sympathetically as I said "Yes" and started to cry. I was right. I had been right all along, and I wished so much I had been wrong.

My sister sat down and explained to me what this meant exactly. Ember had hydranencephaly. She had no brain, only a brain stem, which allowed her to have reflexive functions like sucking and responding to pain. Only fluid was in her skull, and if they drained it with a shunt like I asked, hoping her brain would somehow expand, it would kill her.

I knew, I had known the whole time, but that was the moment it was confirmed to me. Ember was going to die. There was no telling when, but she was going to die as a baby, and Josh and I needed to make another decision.

I called him and told him the results. We were of course devastated for her as well as Kim. We had been holding out hope, and that hope was just extinguished. But, even so, we felt at peace with it. We felt that God was leading us in a different direction, and we again needed to seek His will and see where we ended up.

We knew this changed everything. We couldn't imagine bringing Ember home to die, not with Jake and Eisley to think about. But spending these days holding her, loving her more each time I looked at her, caring for her, bathing her, dressing her, being called "mom" by the nurses and doctors, it was just so hard to imagine not taking her home.

While Josh was still on his way to the hospital, all of Ember's doctors, her nurse, me, Lisa, and the social worker held a care conference in the family meeting room. I sat on the couch next to Lisa and looked into the kind, wise old eyes of Ember's neurologist. He explained Ember's diagnosis in detail. He told me Ember would die within the year, and he told me how she would likely die. He asked me to consider how it would affect my children to have her die in my home, and he said, and I quote, "Continuing with this adoption would be a mistake. It would be an incredible burden with absolutely no reward."

That's when I started to cry.

What he said might sound extremely callous and insensitive as you read it in black and white, but he said it with the best of intentions. He cared about us, it was clear to me, all of the doctors did, and they were absolutely mystified that we were still at the hospital with this baby knowing what we knew, let alone still considering bringing her home even with the diagnosis she now had. One doctor pleaded with us to consider the financial ramifications this would have on a young family, adopting a baby with such severe health issues. He told us he in no way wanted to make light of the situation, but just wanted us to be fully informed when making our decision.  That doctor pulled me aside three different times to try and explain his concerns about the adoption of this child.

Josh and I didn't know what to do. How do you make a decision like this? It was impossible. We wanted what was best for Ember, but we needed to make a decision that was best for Jake and Eisley as well. Was finding Ember dead in her crib one day something I wanted to possibly put Eisley through? What about the amount of time we would spend in hospitals making impossible decision after impossible decision while our children spent all of those hours away from us, with family members? Could we possibly bury another baby girl? How would we afford that? How would our families cope with bringing this child home, attaching to her, and, eventually, losing her? Hadn't we put them through enough?

But then we would look at her, and we would melt. If God wanted us to do it, we could do it. He wouldn't ask if it weren't something He wanted. We could not simply say no to Him just because of our fears. There is no scarier place to be than outside of God's will, and we certainly didn't want to be there. The doctors had talked with us about discharging her to a group home for medically fragile children, one that I am unfortunately familiar with due to the kids I see coming from there at my work now and then. Our social worker talked about finding a medical foster family, but they were having a hard time due to the extreme circumstances and the short notice.

I remember sitting next to Josh by Ember's bassinet and saying to him, "Maybe we should just bring her home. Just bring her home until they find someone who can care for her. I don't want her in a group home. I will not have her going to that hell hole to rot away and die alone."

He agreed with me, and we stared at her, and I thought about how we didn't bring the car seat with us because we never in a million years thought we would need it...but maybe we would after all.

And then my phone rang.

It was our case worker, and she asked if I had some time to talk. I stepped outside and listened as she told me that they had found a foster family for Ember. Not just a foster family, a family who had raised a baby with her exact diagnosis. She told me the foster mom was an active member in the foundation specific to Ember's diagnosis, that she knew more about the condition than any of us probably did, that she was ready and able to take Ember home as soon as she was released. She told me they were Christians and wanted us to stay involved in Ember's life and have a relationship with her if we wanted.

Yes, I was bawling by this time. It was a clear answer to prayer, and we were so thankful God had given us some clarity. Josh and I went to lunch and talked about how this family seemed perfect for her, that she would be well cared for and loved and would live and die in a family setting, not a sterile hospital group home. It was a huge load off of our shoulders, but I also felt I wanted to talk to this foster mother myself before we made any decisions. It was still essentially up to us. And I wanted to make sure whoever was going to take Ember was fit to do so.

I called the number our case worker had given us for the foster mom wanting to take Ember. I was so nervous I would hate her! I was prepared to say, "Nope! Not good enough! We will be taking her home thank you for your interest!"

She. Was. Amazing.

We spent 45 minutes on the phone talking about Ember, what she looked like, what she responded to, what her condition was, what the doctors were saying. She educated me immensely on the diagnosis and I learned way more about it in that one conversation that I did googling it for hours! She expressed how excited she was to meet Ember, how she missed her already, how she longed to bring her home and love her to pieces!

When I hung up with her I looked at Josh and told him she was perfect. We couldn't ask for more. Ember couldn't ask for more. As we were walking into the hospital I got an email from the foster mom telling me her "wish list" for Ember. It mostly included some medical things I wanted to ask the doctors about, but at the very end, she wished they would let Ember come home, because she missed her already. I cried, and I knew right there that God had brought the exact person meant to care for this sweet baby into our lives at the exact right moment.

After that, Josh and I felt like our role in Ember's life was changing. We would continue to be there for her, holding her and loving her and advocating for her, but we were not her parents, we were just her special guardians  entrusted with her until she could go home. We got to spend a few hours with the new foster mom  in the NICU, talking and talking and getting to know each other while we all cooed and awwwed over sweet Ember. That girl is so loved. So loved. She will never want for attention or affection, this I am sure of.

I came down with a really bad cold yesterday, and didn't get to see Ember today due to my not wanting to spread anything in the NICU. It was the first day I didn't get to see her since she was born. It was the first day Josh and I didn't spend hours upon hours by her side. Tonight, Josh went to see her and hold her and love on her a bit. He texted me while he was there. "I love her."

That is one thing we want everyone to understand. We love this child. So very much. But she is not ours. We made the decision that was best for her, as well as for our family, but make no mistake, she is a precious child of God and we would have taken her home in an instant if God would have allowed that. It just wasn't in His plan, and we are okay with that. He brought us into her life for a reason, for many reasons probably! And we feel so incredibly blessed that we were chosen to be a part of her life, even if it wasn't the way we planned.

I would love to eventually share all the conversations and comments we've had throughout this process. God has been able to use her little life and story to do some pretty big things for Him already, things we may never know the magnitude of! Ember's condition is so rare because when it is found in pregnancy, the recommendation is always to terminate. Always. And most people do. She is a miracle. She made it, and she was given the opportunity to make an impact on this world. We feel so blessed to help her do that.

Josh mentioned to me that this entire process has made him empathize so much more with birth parents. To decide not to take a baby home that you love dearly, that you want so much to give the best life possible to, it is an impossible decision to make. It gave us a glimpse into the struggle of a mother making an adoption plan, and I feel really blessed that we gained a new perspective and appreciation for what they go through, albeit on a much smaller scale.

Where do we go from here?

Right now, we are still transitioning Ember into the care of her new foster family. We are hoping she will be discharged next week, and plan to continue spending time with her until she is. We made a commitment to her birth mom that she would not be abandoned or alone, and we have no intention of breaking that commitment. We will go down there as often as we can, and you better believe I will be snuggling her to pieces and trying a dozen new handbands on her by the time I leave! Foster mom will be coming for visits as well until she can take her home for good. At that point, we will stay in touch with her foster family and maybe even get to visit with her now and then! We are hoping God has started a relationship with this foster family that will only grow from here, and seeing as how I have already spent hours on the phone with foster mom, I think it will!

Josh and I are talking about when we should go back up on the waiting list. We want things to settle in a bit, but we will get there, eventually. We are so thankful for your support as we navigated this complicated situation.

Our hope right now is that people will understand that we consistently sought God's will in all of this. We did not try to take the easy way out, and we did not choose to not take Ember home because we weren't open to special needs or that she wasn't perfect or wasn't good enough. Ember is perfect. She is perfect. But we felt very strongly that God had a different plan for her, a different family. We made the decision that was best for her, and best for Jake and Eisley. It wasn't our first choice. Our first choice would have been to take Ember home and love her until the Lord took her. But that just wasn't what the Lord had for us, and we are totally at peace with that.

We have had a lot of comments such as, "I can't believe you guys are doing this. You're amazing to be there for that baby. You're amazing to love her like that." We would like to clarify one thing: We are NOT amazing. We aren't. We are messed up, emotional, selfish, prideful sinners. Our God is AMAZING!!! It is only because of Him that we are capable of getting up in the morning, let alone capable of doing anything of worth in this life! It is not our love we are giving Ember, it is His love! It is only with Him that we can do anything, and without Him, we are all hopeless. We would also like to tell you that Ember is the easiest baby in the world to love. It is effortless, loving that baby. Anyone who has seen her or held her instantly falls in love with her! We are not somehow special because we have chosen to walk this path with Ember, but if you are wondering what makes us different, it isn't anything about us. It is all God! He is good, all the time, and He has been good throughout this entire process, even when certain things don't make sense.

We have no idea what the future holds. We're hoping it is a lot of joy, and at some point, a healthy baby to bring home to Jake and Eisley. But we have resigned ourselves to the fact that God may just have different, bigger plans for us. We are okay with that. Josh and I have gotten to spend a lot of time together, just talking about how this experience is affecting us, and it has been nice watching our relationship grow during times like these. Josh thinks that down the road, once our kids are grown, he could see us being a temporary medical foster family. That we could do good things through that. That we'd be good at it. I think he might be right. :)

Thank you for reading the novel that is Ember's story! To think I left out so much and this was probably my longest entry yet! I would love to share pictures of Ember with you, so if you see me, just ask me! She is truly magnificent! Just a beautiful, perfect little angel baby. And I'm not biased or anything. ;)

Stay tuned. We know God has lots more in store for our family. He always does...

Vague

I hate vagueness. I hate when people are vague on facebook. I hate when people are vague on their blogs. I hate when people have "unspoken" prayer requests. Drives me up the wall. Just give it to me straight! If you don't want me to know the details, don't tell me about it at all! I think that might be a combination of impatience and nosiness. It's a major character flaw, and I'm aware of it.

Does anyone else find the above vague paragraph ironically vague? I apologize.

Here's the deal: I can't give all the details I want to give to people because as of yet, they're not my details to give. Despite all of that, I still want to ask you guys for prayer. I have a major "unspoken" prayer request, and for all of you who are like me and just had their ears perk up in morbid curiosity, I hear you.

Here's what we can tell you: The birth mom of the baby we have been planning to adopt had an ultrasound yesterday. We got word last night that there were some major concerns on the ultrasound, and they would be inducing her today. Josh and I dealt with that as best we could, and gave it all to God. I was in the middle of a two day dose of IV meds (which was supposed to be five days due to a recent relapse, but had to cut it short for obvious reasons) and my nurse was kind enough to give me one last dose early this morning while I packed up the kids and the things we would need for the hospital. We were very hopeful that what birth mom had been told at her ultrasound was more of a misunderstanding than anything else, for reasons of which I will continue to be vague. We got to find out the gender of the baby, which you will be really excited to know...we are also keeping vague. ;) I honestly wish I didn't know, but they told me right along with the rest of the news. We, however, decided not to tell our kids or families until this child is here and safe and in our arms, and at this moment that is looking...well...vague.

We aren't sure of the details, and the ones we are sure of we aren't really that sure of, but the birth mother did not get induced this morning as was the original plan. We are vague on the details, we are unsure of what is next, and we got some news that is making us question if this baby will end of placing with us at all. I know, vague, right? I'm sorry.You are now just as confused as we are, but probably less broken hearted, because I only gave you bits and pieces and you didn't have to explain all of these non details to two six year olds who were expecting to see their new sibling tomorrow.

Today started out so fun (other than being hooked up to an IV for four hours, but what's new there right?). The kids packed up their Big Brother and Big Sister shirts and took their back packs to Grandma's house to spend the night. We were hopeful we'd get to send them a picture of their new baby brother or sister by late tonight. Off they went, happy as clams. Josh and I straightened up, made sure the bassinet and baby things were ready to go, packed up the hospital bag, got stuff to read and listen to in case it was a long night, got a change of clothes, and got the car seat ready. We went to Target because I still needed a changing table pad for our changing table, and we wanted to pick a few things up now that we knew the gender (Okay, I had to pick a few things up. I'm sorry, I can't help it!)

We went to lunch at Chipolte and waited for our phone to ring. We were supposed to get a call around 1:00 that she had started her induction and we could come down. That call never came. A call did come about two hours later from the agency telling us that they would not be inducing after all, for reasons that make absolutely no sense to any of us. They told us she had been sent home by a nurse, who had made a passing remark about the health of the baby of which I won't even repeat here because it is so weird and totally inappropriate to give that kind of news to any expectant mother without even a doctor or social worker present. It makes NO SENSE. NONE. I could give you all the details so that you could all agree with me that the whole thing is a big fat mess, but I won't.

I will remind you, though, that this isn't just our disappointment. It is Jake's. It is Eisley's. It is our parents' and siblings' and close friends' who are right there dealing with all of this minute by minute and worrying as well.

What's going to happen from here? Who knows. We have a lot more questions, a million, and I'm not sure we will ever get the answers we want.

So tomorrow I will get up and go to work, just like I planned, right before I called in and said I would be starting maternity leave tomorrow, oops, and try to get back into the routine. I will have fun laughing with my goofy co-workers who no doubtedly will be bringing all kinds of sweet treats to the floor for TGIF. And I willwait some more. Wait for a phone call about this mom, about news on the baby, wait to possibly hear the news that this just isn't our baby after all and we will go back in the book. I don't know what I will hear, but I am praying that God just gives me inward peace, and outward grace.

That's my goal this go round. I've been handed a lot of just total crap hands, no one can deny that. I have learned over time that I might not have a choice about what happens, but I can ask for peace on the inside, and grace on the outside. The peace is for me, so I don't rip my pillows apart every night, so I don't take a baseball bat to the bassinet that taunts me in my room, that I don't take that particular bitter moment where my world is crunching in to send a nasty email to someone that "deserves a piece of my mind'",  that I don't fall asleep crying every single night that once again, we were so close, yet so far. The peace is for me. The grace...the grace is for everyone else.

Grace is going to work with a smile for those around you, even though you want nothing more than to hide in the bathroom and cry. Grace is allowing inquisitive remarks to touch you as innocent curiosities, not harsh attempts to make you wither away right there in the hallway. Grace is moving forward in body while protecting the shattered spirit within you while no one is the wiser. While patience protects yourself (and possibly the furniture in the near vicinity), Grace protects others.

I have no idea where we are at right now. As of now, we are still on hold and this birth mother still wants to place her baby with us. As of right now she can have the baby at any time. The only things we know for sure are that we know very little. There was a concern about brain development, but that is all we know. There hasn't been a second opinion so we're hopeful she'll get one. But that is up in the air.

So...we pray.

As always, we pray. We pray for the miraculous health of this baby. We pray for the mother to make wise decisions and be an advocate for herself and her unborn baby. We pray God will get her where she needs to get in order to get the best care possible. Pray for our kids as they are obviously confused and disappointed just like us.
Pray that God's will be done, no matter what, and that He will equip our family to recognize that plan and accept it fully once we do.

Thanks for your love and support.

No Baby Yet :)

I just wanted to pop in and update the blog, because I follow a lot of blogs and find myself getting antsy when they haven't been updated in awhile! So even though there is really no news, I felt you all deserved to know that there is no news. ;)

We are keeping very busy and are anxiously awaiting the birth of the baby! He or she is due in exactly ONE month, though there is a strong possibility of an earlier birthday. :) We just returned from a wonderful family vacation up north in Minnesota, visiting family and doing a lot of fishing! It was so nice to get out of this incredibly hot weather and enjoy wearing a sweatshirt now and again! I am also very busy helping my sister plan her upcoming wedding, and I go back to work tomorrow which will definitely help fill the hours while we wait for yet another life changing phone call that our birth mom is in labor!

One very fun thing that I got to do was take Eisley shopping for the baby's going home outfit. We will probably venture out to a few more stores before we make a final decision, but we found an adorable outfit for a both a boy and a girl, since we don't know what we are having! I kept the receipts so we can take back the gender that our baby isn't haha!

It is really interesting to me how different the 36 week mark is when you are pregnant versus when you are adopting! I remember being absolutely consumed with the fact that my babies could be born at any moment, and granted I was carrying 14 pounds of wiggly baby at that point so it was pretty hard to forget, but this time I often have to remind myself that our baby could come at any time! Josh was planning a trip with some friends for a few weeks from now and we both almost forgot that the baby might and will probably be born by then! It makes me realize how very different this experience will be, caring for a newborn that I didn't give birth to. Hopefully I will have a lot more energy this go round! I know I will have a lot more help with my two big kids to assist me!

Jake and Eisley are over the moon excited for the arrival of this little one. We have had to be diligent about gently reminding them that this baby's birth mother might change her mind, and that it would be okay if she did, even though we would be very disappointed. It is a fine line we are walking between preparing them for a new baby in the next couple of weeks and preparing them for the possibility of a lot more waiting if "Kim" changes her mind.

I am so excited for the arrival of this little one, but at times I am also gripped with fears that this baby might have major health and developmental issues, that "Kim" might change her mind, that I won't immediately attach to this baby the way I did to Jake, Eisley, and Lily. I know they are valid fears, which is why they are all the more scary. I would appreciate so much your prayers for those things!

As far as fundraising goes, WOW we are SO CLOSE to our goal!!! We are fully confident, as we have been from the beginning, that God will provide every penny that is needed for this adoption. We can't wait to reach that goal!

Thank you again so much for your continued prayers and encouragement. We have come such a long way, but this is really only the beginning of our adoption faith walk when you think about it! We haven't even adopted this baby yet! We can't wait to share the rest of our journey with you, and we are so thankful for your support and love.

Please be praying for the mother of this baby. Please pray for the health of the baby. Please pray that God will bring this baby in His own perfect timing, and that everything will go incredibly smoothly! Please pray that our family will immediately bond and fall in love with this child, and that we will be equipped to handle anything that comes our way! Please pray for God to prepare our hearts for what comes next on this journey!

I will keep you posted! Just for fun, here are a few pics from our recent vacay! ;)

A big family reunion picture, minus a few loved ones!

The Harrison Family with Grandma Betty

Jake loves fishing more than ANYTHING in the world !!! He is very good at it too!!!

He started to get a little cocky after his 60th fish...

Jake and Eisley with Uncle Mike and Aunt Coley

Eisley's favorite store ever!!!

Eisley's turtle took second place in the Turtle Races!

Goofing around!

They love to ride the Quads!

Eisley was quite the little fisher too!

Me and my sweet girl

On a boat yeaaaaah in our flippy floppies! ;)

Refiner's Fire...and Adoption Updates!!!

Okay...if you have been following our blog this past week and haven't sworn it off entirely due to your consistently ruined make-up before work and the fact that I have single-handedly boosted the Kleenex stock by 50%, we thank you. ;)

As I said before, this week was about remembering Lily, and praising God for how far He has brought us and the faithfulness He has shown to our family. Our lives are not all sunshine and roses, but they aren't all thorns either. We share our entire testimony with people, because it's real. There is a reason we were led to adoption. God used certain events in our lives to lead us down this path, and we think it is important to recognize those events and share our experiences with all of you.

There are so many people out there who can relate to our story, but not many people are as open about their pain as we have chosen to be. Everyone grieves so differently, and I really don't believe there is a right or wrong way to do it, I can only share how we did it, and how we get through it each day. We appreciate so much your support, even though I am sure I have made many of you "uncomfortable", and I know I have made many of you shed a few tears with us! But that's okay. I'm okay with uncomfortable, and I happen to think tears are good for the soul. :)

As I have reflected on this past year, I realized that God has used our experiences as a refiner's fire. For those of you unfamiliar with the concept, John Piper describes it this way...

"A refiner's fire does not destroy indiscriminately like a forest fire. A refiner's fire does not consume completely like the fire of an incinerator. A refiner's fire refines. It purifies. It melts down the bar of silver or gold, separates out the impurities that ruin its value, burns them up, and leaves the silver and gold intact. He is like a refiner's fire."

Our losses did not destroy us. They did not consume us. But God used them as a tool to melt away parts of us that, looking back, were unnecessary, harmful, or distracting to our walk with the Lord and the life in which He so badly wants us to be living. I have watched as pettiness, immaturity, and things that simply don't matter melt away over time as I experienced loss after loss, pain after pain. It gave us perspective, as these things usually do, as to what is truly important in this life, what is of eternal value, and what isn't.

I'm not saying I don't still get excited over my favorite TV show or a pair of cute earrings from Charming Charlie's. I still get upset over stupid things and Josh and I are not by any means above arguing over how to properly do the laundry. I am saying that, like it or not, we were forced to do a lot of growing up in the past few years, this last one especially. God has used these experiences to mature us (albeit against our will) and challenge our walk with Him. Being a Christian is a pretty cushy gig here in America. It really isn't that hard, in my humble opinion, to trust the Lord with your life when things are going well. But to trust Him when your children are taken from you? When you are in such a dark place that you can't seem to find the light? It made us truly explore our faith, challenged it in ways that grew my relationship with the Lord immensely. If I can trust Him through this past year, I believe I can trust Him through anything.

He didn't just refine the things in our lives, He refined the people in them. Grief experiences like losing Lily, and leaps of faith like adoption, is incredibly telling in the area of relationships (and I am sure I am not the only one who has noticed this, as I have heard it said of so many who have walked in our shoes). Every experience from the loss of Lily to our adoption, we have watched as people have either rallied around us, supported us full force, or faded into the background quietly. You find out who your true friends are in times like these, and we certainly have. I have grown so much closer to my family and my friends who have walked this road with us. Still, we have also lost some relationships, and realized that some relationships simply will never grow past that of casual friendships. Relationships that can survive the turmoil of life events like these end up being stronger, unbreakable, and everlasting. But through that refiner's fire, some of our relationships have been separated out and melted away. Though every friendship that is lost is sad, I would never change it, because that refiner's fire also left us with "the silver and gold intact." The loved ones that God wants in our lives to support each other, love each other, and encourage each other's walk with Him, those are the ones that turn to silver and gold in times like these! 

We have so much more "refining" to do. This is just the beginning, I am sure, but I have realized the process of refinement is so much easier when you don't fight it. I've come to actually pray that God will show me what needs to be melted away in my life, from things to people to habits, and when I do He is incredibly quick to show me! It is painful, but it is so worth it.

Now, all of that being said, I would like to give you a few updates in the adoption arena! Things are moving right along, and we've had some pretty big developments in the past couple of weeks! First of all, if you haven't already noticed, take a quick gander over at the funds thermometer! We are SO CLOSE to being fully funded for this adoption!!! Our puzzle piece fundraiser was a great success, but I don't have a final total yet because people are still buying puzzle pieces! If you would like your name on a piece, just let me know. We were going to "close" the fundraiser this week, but there is still plenty of room for your name, so if you want one just let us know! 

I am overjoyed, but not surprised in the least, at how God has provided for this adoption! When we started this process, it was a HUGE leap of faith that we would somehow be able to come up with nearly $13,000 over the course of just a few months. But little by little, through each one of you, He provided! And here we are, only weeks away from bringing our baby home, and we are nearly fully funded! It is simply amazing. I am so thankful for each one of you, for how you have sacrificed and participated and supported us. I wish I had the time to write each person who donated a long, hand written note of thanks. Please, please know how grateful we are. This would have been impossible without your generosity. Thank you.

In other adoption news, you might have caught my passing reference to meeting the birth mother of our child in a previous post! When we were matched with this birth mother, who I will refer to as "Kim" for privacy reasons for now, she initially was not planning to meet with us before the birth. But after a few emails between us and her case worker, Kim decided she would be open to meeting with us after all! We were sooooooooooooo nervous!!!. It just so happened that the only available date for all of us to get together was yesterday, Lily's first birthday. 

Josh has little to no concept of nervousness, as he never gets nervous about anything (I hate him for that), but I was a complete wreck driving out there. I actually had been so busy in the weeks and days leading up to the meeting that I hadn't had time to dwell on it much, but as we drove out there to meet the woman who has chosen us as the parents for her child, I was freakin' out big time. My only consolation was that Kim was probably just as nervous as I was, so hopefully she would be understanding!

The minute we saw each other and were introduced, I could tell I was right, she was just as nervous as I was! Thankfully the case worker was there to facilitate the whole thing and help fill the conversation gaps and silences. It was a very casual meeting, and I only realized after the meeting was over that at some point I had actually kicked off my flip flops and had my feet wedged under me on the couch! And Heather, you will be interested to know, I held a throw pillow for dear life during the entire meeting! (Heather knows that throw pillows are my security blanket) ;)

We basically talked in more detail about everything in our Match Letter, but it was nice to just get a feel for each other in person the way you just can't do through letters and pictures. Kim is an incredibly sweet, laid back, intelligent girl, and I was so happy I got the opportunity to meet her before the baby comes! 

She asked us if we had a feeling one way or another if it was a boy or girl, and we said no! She told us she has a VERY strong feeling it is a boy...so we shall see! (No one knows what it is, it will be a big and wonderful surprise!!!) She told us numerous times, "I consider this your baby already, this is your child." Which of course brought tears to my eyes. She asked us what names we were considering, and I cannot even BEGIN to tell you how nervous I was to tell her! I was terrified she wouldn't like them! So scared, in fact, that I didn't even tell her the boy name, because I suddenly became unsure if I even liked it! Haha!

We went over the plan for the hospital. At this point, Kim would like me and Josh to be at the hospital for her labor and in the delivery room for the baby's birth! We are pretty excited at the possibility of being there for our child's birth, but of course we are leaving room for the possibility of Kim changing her mind, and would completely understand if she did. 

Kim told us she would like us to pick out and bring the baby's going home outfit to the hospital, so yay I get to go shopping! ;) All in all, it went really well, and we are so thankful we got the chance to meet with her and get to know her a little bit.

The baby is due (technically) on August 2nd, but we have it on good authority that Kim will most likely deliver in the next two to four weeks. We are praying that God will just help us all to be patient until He brings this baby in His perfect timing! 

I feel the need to reiterate the fact that this baby is not our baby, yet. Yes, Kim has made it very clear that she has chosen us to parent her child, but she is under no obligation to follow through with that decision. It is completely within her rights to change her mind, to make a different plan, to do whatever she wants. Though we are confident at this time that Kim has made up her mind and has no intention of changing it, this is her baby. She can make whatever choices she wants, and until the adoption is official when she signs papers somewhere near 72 hours after the baby's birth, even if we have already brought him or her home, she has every right and opportunity to make another decision. We would support her in whatever decision she made,  though of course we would be so disappointed and saddened if this adoption placement were to fall through. But if that happened, we would know that God has a different plan for us, and for whatever reason, just wanted us to be a small chapter in Kim's life.

We are very optimistic about this match, however, and are planning for this baby as much as we can! I can't believe we could very well have a new baby in just a few short weeks! It is surreal, and just hasn't quite sunken in yet. We are so excited, though, and I know the days will just fly by! 

We won't be posting for awhile as we have a family vacation planned, so hopefully I will be back online in about two weeks. Who knows, the next post could be THE POST!!! :)

If you are praying for us, please cover "Kim" in prayers. Pray for her heart. Pray for wisdom for her, for her to get the support she needs at this time. Please pray for the baby. We are still facing the possibilities of health issues for this little one, and are praying fervently that God blesses it with perfect health! Please pray that the baby does NOT decide to make its appearance while we are on vacation haha! And pray for our family, that God will equip us with the love and tools we need to welcome this child into our home and lives.

Thank you so much for continuing to follow along on our Adoption Faith Walk! It has been such an incredible journey so far, and I am super excited about what's to come!!!

The Call (Part 2)

First of all, Josh and I want to thank everyone so much for your excitement and support!!! We have had so much fun reading all of the encouraging texts and messages on Facebook and the blog regarding the match. We are very excited too and love sharing in the joy with everyone! I wanted to write more about the hours following the call, mostly for my own benefit for down the road when the details become blurry. :)

After I got off the phone with the adoption agency, I went back into the movie theater. The kids both asked me (a little too loudly) why I had been gone for so long. "Were you in the potty that whole time!?!" Eisley asked.  Josh just looked at me and I could tell he knew something was up. I leaned over and said, "It was the adoption agency. We got picked by a birth mom." Josh raised his eyebrows and smiled and said, "Really?" I started to tell him some details, but realized it just wasn't gonna work in a dark, quiet movie theater with kids shushing us all around. ;) I told him we'd talk after the movie, and of course I have no recollection of how that movie ended!

We couldn't even make it out to the car without all three of them asking me a million questions, so right there while we walked to our car in the blazing parking lot of a movie theater, I told everyone that we got the call! We had been picked and the baby is due to come in 8 weeks or less! Jake smiled, Eisley said, "Yaaay!" and Josh said something to the effect of, "Cool dude." ;)

The whole way home I gave Josh details of the phone call. We have known for a few weeks that this potential birthmom was a possibility and we had been notified that we were being considered by her, so he knew the background of the situation since we have been praying for it for awhile. We discussed again the potential risks this baby was facing and how scary that was. We talked about how it was crazy that it was really happening. We smiled.

When we got home, we talked about who and how we should tell people. Only a handful (a very small handful) of people knew about this birthmom and had been praying for us, one of whom was my sister, so I knew I had to call her first (that, and I always call her first). I was so excited to tell her, but deep down in my heart and creeping around the back of my brain, I knew she would be the only person who would be realistically concerned over the scary possibilities this situation held. I called her and told her, "Well, we got the call, and we've been chosen by a birthmom!" She was thrilled and started to cry, and then I knew I had to tell her the rest. "Is this the same situation you've known about for awhile?" I took a deep breath and said, "Yes."

And it was quiet. For those of you who don't know, my sister is a pediatrician at a huge children's hospital here in town. I tell you that because she, just like me, has seen the worst case scenarios again and again. Once you have seen certain things, it is nearly impossible to be entirely optimistic about certain situations. I bit my lip as she very gently asked me if we were prepared to raise a child that "could potentially have major issues for the rest of its life" and if we truly felt at peace about that. She said absolutely nothing hurtful, she said it in the most gentle way she possibly could, and she spoke with love in her words, but right then, I lost it. I started bawling, unable to control the tears as they poured out of my heart. All of the fears, all of the possibilities of what could happen ran through my brain over and over. It was a very hard conversation. But it was one that I had to have. And it was one that I had again with Josh after I hung up with Lisa. And it was not easy at all.

If you are reading this blog, you know our history. You know that we are keenly aware of what can go wrong in a pregnancy. I no longer have the luxury of naivety. I lost that a long time ago, and even though this is not my pregnancy, this child is hopefully going to be my child, and I have those same anxieties that I did with all of the children I have carried myself. This particular pregnancy carries added risks, risks we aren't discussing with the general public, but risks that demand a lot of extra worry and prayer.

When Josh and I were approached with this situation a few weeks ago, we were asked if we would consider being presented to a potential birthmom with XYZ situations. We decided together that we weren't willing to flat out tell the Lord "No, we will not even consider the possibility that this is your will for us," so we agreed to be presented to her. We begun praying that day that the Lord would show us very clearly if this was His will, and if we were not the ones who were best fit to raise this child, that He would close the door firmly. And if we are being 100% completely honest here, I think we each hoped deep, deep down, that He would close that door. We were still holding out hope that we would get a call one day that a perfectly healthy infant with absolutely no issues or difficulties was born and ready to go home that day. ;)

Everyone wants the easiest, most carefree lives as possible. It's human nature! The unknown is so scary, but the unknown with the added risks we were facing was downright terrifying. And we had to accept that it is perfectly okay and normal to be scared! But it is not okay to disobey the Lord's obvious will for you just because of that fear. That is not an easy truth, and I can find a million different ways to excuse it and sugar coat that disobedience, but the fact is that if you know in your heart God wants something for you, and you ignore that, you are choosing a much harder path for yourself in the long run. And I can guarantee you are missing out on something amazing!

Josh and I both feel very strongly that God will equip us to handle any situation He gives us. We asked Him to make it clear to us where He wanted us, and so far He has been extremely clear! This incredibly brave mother chose us, and no matter what this situation might bring, we are committing to this child and are overjoyed that God is possibly choosing to bless our family with him or her! And after some tears and talking, my sister agreed completely. She is the best sister and auntie anyone could ask for, after all. :)

We decided we might as well share the good news, seeing as the baby is due in just a few weeks! Plus we had already told our kids, and six year olds are not best known for their secret keeping abilities. ;) Josh texted his sister and her husband (it was their wedding anniversary and we told them we got them a present!), I texted my brother, and called my parents. My mom was of course overjoyed, and I cannot tell you what a balm to my soul it was to hear her squeal with delight over her new grandbaby, even though she knew full well the whole situation. She was so encouraging, so happy, and after my conversation with her, I think that's when I really let myself get truly excited over this news. We were expecting a baby!

We planned to tell Josh's parents that evening, in person, as they were taking the kids for a couple hours so Josh and I could go out and celebrate our anniversary. At dinner that night, Josh and I discussed baby names (we have settled on a girl name, but are still tossing around boy names...sorry, they are a secret!!!). After dinner we went next door to Babies R Us and bought the baby a present, a little stuffed girraffe! Since we don't know if it is a boy or a girl (and probably won't until the birth), we had to find something neutral, and I just thought it was so cute!!!

We were seeing a movie (Men in Black III, for future reference) so we got settled in the theater but still had about 45 minutes before it started. What better opportunity than that to share the exciting news with my closest friends? ;) (I am realizing now how much of this monumental day has been centered around movie theaters and sequels...hmmm...) I texted a couple of my best friends and nearly killed my phone battery going back and forth with them over the news. If texts had a sound, these would have been LOUD!!! I could practically hear them squeeling even though they were miles away! :)

Josh had to practically rip my phone from my hands when the movie started, so I had to take a break from it and sit through an ENTIRE movie, which is not easy to do when you are so excited! ;)

Afterwards we went back to Josh's parents house to pick up the kids and give them their anniversary present (Yes, it was their anniversary too the next day! What is going on here!?!). That worked out nicely though because it gave us the perfect way to tell them. We wrote in their card that for their anniversary we got them a Pita Jungle gift card and a new grandbaby. ;) They didn't believe us at first, but when they did they were very excited!

So that ends our very exciting day. Later that night I wrote the last blog entry "The Call..." and that was how we announced it to the rest of our loved ones!

Today Eisley and I went to Target to scope out some baby gear. She was so excited and we just had the best time looking at things. We got the chance to talk together and I will have to do a whole individual post on that trip. ;)

Our family is obviously so excited over this new baby. He or she is actually growing as we speak, becoming who they are going to be forever! With our excitement, though, comes feelings I have a hard time describing. We have no control over what is happening to this baby, how they are being cared for, if they are okay or if they are going to be okay. It is really, really hard. We need your prayers more than ever for this child.

We are asking humbly that you guys be in serious prayers for this baby and his or her birthmom. Please pray for the baby's protection and health. Pray for birthmom's heart these next few weeks. Pray that both of them will get the care they need. Pray that this little one arrives safe and sound, and that God will prepare us for whatever lies ahead!

Thank you so much for your support of our family! We love you all very much!

The Call...

Last night as I was putting Eisley to bed, I asked her what she wanted me to pray for. She said the usual things, that we'd have a good family day, and that the baby would come soon. I said to her, "You know when would be a great day for a Baby Call? Tomorrow. Let's pray we get a call tomorrow!" Eisley smiled and said, "Okay!" And I prayed...

"Dear Lord,

Thank you so much for this wonderful day. Thank you that mommy and daddy have been married for eight whole years today. Thank you that mommy's surgery went well (more on that later...) and that I am still here to tuck in my babies. Lord, we have a family day planned for tomorrow and everyone is on vacation and tomorrow would just be such a wonderful day to get a Baby Call! Please Lord can we get that call tomorrow? Thank you for all of our blessings. Please protect our baby and bring them home SOOOON!

Amen"

I kissed her goodnight, and she thanked me for getting married to daddy so that she could be alive (it was our anniversary yesterday!). I then prayed a very similar prayer with Jake, and I kissed him goodnight, and I went to bed. I prayed before falling asleep, and I thought, what's the harm in asking? It can't hurt. So I asked that we would get a phone call tomorrow. We had a relaxing "family day" scheduled, it would be such a nice anniversary present, and I just couldn't think of a better time to get such happy news!

This morning I woke up and my first thought was, "Man I really need some pain meds." ;) But my SECOND thought was, "Today's the day." I just had a feeling. We had plans to take the kids to a movie (Summer Movie Fun anyone? We love it and do it every year!). We were seeing "Happy Feet Two." Josh got the kids ready and I took a little pain medication (for those of you that are just dying of curiosity, I had some minor surgery yesterday, all went well and all is well!) and we were all ready to go! It was just one of those perfect mornings. I sat in the movie theater with my husband and my children, and we were just happy, eating our popcorn and smiling and holding hands and laughing, and it was just perfect. I thought to myself, "I just love my little family so much. It cannot get much better than this." I think I even took a moment to update my Facebook status saying that very thing. ;)

We were about 40 minutes into the movie when I checked my phone (sorry movie goers, I'm a phone checker). I had a missed call from a restricted number...with a voicemail. That was the kicker. Restricted numbers can be anyone, and most likely a recorded voice of a politician I don't plan to vote for, but voicemails make my heart jump. I thought, "Don't get too excited. If it was the agency, they would have called Josh too." So I leaned over and whispered to Josh, "Did you miss a phone call?" He nodded and gave me a knowing look. I told him I was going to go downstairs and check my message just in case. But I knew. This was it. I just knew.

Sure enough, I had a message from our adoption agency, asking that I call back as soon as I could regarding a birth mother. So I tried to memorize the number, tried to dial it, fumbled it, tried to find a pen, called my voicemail again to get the number, realized my pen didn't work, cursed silently the screaming toddler who was making it impossible to hear the message, and then sat down. I took a very deep breath, and tried again. Finally! I got a hold of the Pregnancy Counselor, who gave me the news we have been waiting to hear for so long...a birth mother had chosen us, and if we want to, we will be officially matched with her!!!

So if you were able to read through that incredibly long introduction, or whether you skimmed down to the "Good Part"...here it is...we are OFFICIALLY expecting a baby in late July!!! Yes, you did read that correctly. :)

Because this is a very public blog, we will not be sharing many details here, but we did want to share this wonderful news!!! Our family is so excited, so thankful, and very eager to hold this little one in our arms very  very soon!!!

As I have stated many times, and as you all know, there is always a risk with adoption, that birthmom may change her mind and decide to parent, that the child could be born with small or significant special needs, and the list goes on. We are well aware of all of that, but feel confident that the Lord has led us down this path and He will equip us to handle whatever He gives us. This is much like a pregnancy announcement. We are overjoyed, we know the risks, and we hope you will rejoice with us! If things do not go as planned, we know you will grieve with us as well. But we are choosing to be optimistic, because it is just such a better use of emotion in my opinion. :)

We would appreciate so much your continued prayers for the entire situation. Again, we have chosen to completely trust the Lord in this, and though we cannot predict what will happen, we feel totally at peace with this match and we are so thankful to the woman who has chosen our family to parent her child. We could not be more excited, and we hope you will share in our joy!!!

If you are praying, we desperately want and need your prayers for this baby. Without going into detail, we are praying fervently for the health of this child. We are praying for the birthmom. We are praying for our family, both our little family and our extended family, that God will prepare our hearts to love this child exactly how they need to be loved! We are praying that God orchestrate the situation and that He will get the glory for it all!!!

This was an incredibly happy day for our family. We are feeling extremely blessed! Thank you so much for your prayers and encouragement! We still have quite a road ahead of us, but we are focusing on today, and today was such a good day.

:)

Why?

Let me start out by saying that 99% of people that hear about our adoption journey are completely supportive, wonderful, and kind. Most people are nothing but encouraging. But...there's that darned 1%. The small percentage of people that just "don't get it". The people that have opinions and aren't afraid to voice them, no matter how ignorant they are or how very little they actually know about the topic.

When you become open about a decision such as adoption, lots of things happen. You open yourself up to people on a personal level, mostly because you need the support. You tell your story in hopes that others will gather around you and encourage you, pray for you, support you. And as a whole, this is exactly what happens. But you also open yourself up to criticism. It's the one downside to being open about a journey like this one. The positives far outweigh the negatives, in my opinion. Where would we be if Josh and I had stayed completely tight lipped about our adoption decision? We wouldn't have the prayer support, we wouldn't have the emotional support, we wouldn't have the financial support that we so desperately need to continue with this adoption. It is completely worth it, to us, to be open about our story. It has connected us with people we otherwise would never have met. It has opened doors that would otherwise have remained shut. It has allowed people to see God work step by step, "making the rough places smooth" as it says in Isaiah. And that, after all, is our goal. To show how awesome our God is!

When I first started this blog, I told my readers they were lucky, because they were getting to see the journey from the very beginning! And I think I was absolutely right! It has been simply amazing to watch the Lord work throughout these months. He has provided continuously, faithfully. He has taught us so much. He has used our story to reach others, to soften hearts and open eyes to the idea of adoption. And we aren't even done yet, we've really only just begun!

But throughout the months, I have had a few comments that I tilt my head at. Usually I'm unable to respond immediately either because it is a comment left on my blog by a conveniently "anonymous" person, or because I'm too stunned or tongue tied to answer intelligently.

So I wanted to take a few moments and explain ourselves a bit. Maybe, then, by writing it all down, I will be able to draw from it when one of those rare comments surfaces. Maybe there are others out there who also get comments such as these and you can tell me how you answer them. Maybe I just want the opportunity to defend our decision, even though I have absolutely no obligation to do so.

I believe the most common head tilting comment is something to the effect of, "Well, don't worry, as soon as you adopt a baby you'll finally get pregnant! Happens all the time!"

Well...no, not really. First of all, I know what makes a baby, and it isn't filling out piles of paperwork and taking weeks of adoption classes. Josh and I are pros at baby making, thank you very much, and we did not pursue adoption because we just couldn't get pregnant, hoping that once the adoption is finalized, we'll "finally" get the baby we always wanted through a pregnancy.

The reality is, many people pursue adoption because having a biological child is not an option, for one reason or another. They might have fertility issues, in which case, no, adopting is actually not going to miraculously cure them, so a comment such as this is hurtful and highly unhelpful. They might have made a decision to adopt instead of having biological children, in which case a comment such as this is not necessarily hurtful, only ignorant. They may have no fertility issues whatsoever and have just felt led to adoption! They may, like us, have absolutely no problem getting pregnant. It's staying pregnant that is the problem. Yes, I may very well get pregnant the instant the adoption is final. But for us, that means nothing. Until I have a healthy baby in my arms, getting pregnant is nothing to smile about.

So, to be clear, we are not adopting in hopes that it will cast a magic spell on my uterus and I will finally be able to carry a baby to term. We are adopting because that's where God led us, and we couldn't be happier about it! If He chooses to someday bless us with another biological child, wonderful. But it won't be "because we adopted." And we are just, if not more, excited about our adoption as we ever were about any of our pregnancies! No need to offer a potential pregnancy as an incentive to adopt. The adoption is the prize!

I think the comment or question that bothers me the most is, "Why don't you just adopt an orphan from ------ (insert third world country or adoption organization here)? There are so many children there that need families."

Ohh. If only it were that easy. You mean to tell me that I could have just "gotten a baby" from there? Well, why didn't you say so?! I had no idea it was so easy! I had no idea that raising tens of thousands of dollars, taking off weeks from work to travel, leaving my children for perhaps months at a time, committing to an older or possibly special needs child for life, and waiting at least two years to be considered by said country or organization would be so easy! Why on earth didn't I think of that?! And P.S., thanks for your veiled comment on my selfishness for not adopting the special needs, older, or tragically orphaned child that you saw on some website or T.V. commercial.

That's what I want to say. But I don't. But if you have ever asked this, it's what I was really thinking. ;) Adoption is a HUGE, life changing, monumental decision that is absolutely, positively, never entered into lightly. And that is only the decision to adopt. Once that choice is made, there is decision after decision after decision that must be made at each stage of the game. Well, we've decided to adopt...now what? There is international, domestic, open, closed, fost-to-adopt. There is special needs adoption, adoption of an older child or sibling group, trans-racial adoption. There are about a million different agencies and a million different babies and children that need homes. How...how do you choose? I can't answer that for everyone. I can only answer it for us...we prayed.

We prayed and we researched. We asked around. We read blogs. We talked to people who had adopted. We asked questions. And we made decisions. We made them because we had to, and we went with our gut. That's really all I can say about it. Josh and I looked at our family and asked ourselves, "What do we feel like our family can commit to?" Our children are still young. Not so young though, that we can't ask them what they want. This adoption affects them just as much as it does us. So we did ask them. We took their desires and their hearts into consideration when making our decision. We took our own hearts and abilities and jobs and commitments into consideration. We prayed for God to give us a peace about where He was leading us.

And because I want to, I will share why we made the decision we did. I'm sure there will be at least one person who disagrees with us. Who thinks we should have chosen differently, who thinks we are selfish or ignorant or scared. That's fine. I'm still confident in our decision because we made each one prayerfully. And there is no better place to be than in God's will. There is no safer place, there is no place I'd rather be.

Josh and I looked into foster care. We attended a class and information session on the topic and became familiar with the process. We both felt, strongly, that it simply wasn't the path God was leading us down. Our children have faced quite enough loss for their little lives, and we could not in good conscience bring a child into our home that had a very high likelihood of being returned to his or her birth family after months, years even. Foster care is something we may consider when our children are older, but right now, we feel they need the stability of a permanent adoption, where they are free to bond and love the child as their own sibling without fear of that child being reunited with their birth family (which, we learned, is often the goal for children in foster care). And to be frank, I need that stability as well.

We looked very closely at international adoption. Each country has it's own requirements for adoptive couples. Josh and I are not yet 30, which actually eliminates quite a few countries and programs from our list of choices. Some countries, incidentally, actually have many other requirements, even taking into account your weight and BMI and other health issues. I have a chronic health issue that is perfectly under control but could very well put an international adoption in jeopardy very far into the process.

We also had to consider the fact that most, if not all, countries require you to travel, usually in two trips, to the country for court dates and to pick up the child. Josh is a teacher and he has zero flexibility when it comes to time off. His particular situation would simply not allow for this. That, and the fact that I could not picture leaving my children for weeks and possibly months at a time while they are so young made international adoption really questionable to us. To us, at this point in our lives, today. For other people, it is right. It fits, it works, they have a peace about it and a desire to move forward. As much as we would love to adopt internationally (and we would!), we just didn't have a peace about it, and there's not much else I can say on the topic.

One evening, early in the decision making process, Josh and I sat the kids down and talked with them. We asked them a lot of questions. We explained how adoption worked. We wanted to know their little hearts and get a feel for what they wanted. Both children were adamant that we adopt. They very badly wanted a little brother or sister "that wouldn't die". They knew we had tried again and again to give them a sibling, but each of those babies had gone to heaven. They told us it was time to adopt.

One of the other things that both children clearly expressed to us was that they wanted a baby. "A baby baby, one that still needs a bottle." In five year old language, they wanted an infant, not an older child or even a toddler. To be completely honest, so did we. My heart longs for a baby. My heart desires to once again rock a small infant to sleep, to be there from the beginning. In Jake's words, "I want to watch a human develop from the very beginning stages." ;) Is this selfish when there are so many older children out there who need homes? I have asked myself that question a lot. And the answer I've come up with is, it is no more selfish than getting pregnant.

Why do you get pregnant when you can adopt? Usually, it is for selfish reasons. You want to experience a pregnancy, you want a child with your own genetic makeup mixed with your soul mate's own genetic makeup. You want a baby. You want your baby. And no one faults you for it. I've never heard someone announce a pregnancy and then be told, "Why, that's a strange decision. Don't you think pregnancy is awfully selfish when there are millions of orphans out there that need families?"

Is that particular criticism true? Technically, yes, it is. But no one says that or rarely thinks it! Yet our decision to pursue domestic infant adoption is on some people's radar as "selfish". They've seen the sad faces of orphans in Ethiopia, and to them, it doesn't make sense that we'd choose an infant here in the states that has a dozen other couples in line for him. But the silly thing is, I have friends who are adopting internationally who get the same comments in reverse! "Why would you go all the way to so-and-so when we have so many children right here in America that need homes?" We actually were told that in our foster care information session by the instructor, so I have learned that it simply isn't possible to please everyone. No matter what decision you make, someone will disagree with it.

My children have very little say in most things. They had no say in whether they got a brother or a sister, and they had no say when their sister died and they never got to hold her. This, this I can give them a say in. And we did, because it meant something to us to have our children as part of this huge decision. If it is extremely important to them that we adopt an infant, and that is one of our many choices, yes, we'll try to give them that.

So, we narrowed it down to an infant adoption. We narrowed it down to a domestic adoption. We now needed an agency, a program. Our number one priority was that the agency be a Christian one, and that they take really, really good care of their birth mothers. After a lot of research and talking to many people who had also adopted domestically, we found Christian Family Care Agency. We fell in love with it. We loved their hearts for adoption, foster care, and birth families. We loved how Biblically sound they were. We loved their statement of faith, we loved that they did their best to work with your financial situation, we just fell in love with it. We decided to get an information packet and talked to people who had adopted through their infant adoption program. And we prayed.

Our prayers were always that God light the next step, just the next step. That's all we needed. Just tell us what's next, Lord. And He always did. He would always give us just the next step in the process, one thing at a time. We prayed He'd give us peace throughout the process if we were headed down the right path. We prayed that if this wasn't the path, He'd close the door firmly. But door after door He opened. He just kept opening them, and we kept walking. And soon we found ourselves knee deep in the adoption process!

We started fundraising. We started fundraising early, like, really early. That was a scary, intimidating, and daunting decision. What if we raised money and the adoption fell through? What if we try but no money comes in? How would we pay for it? What if, what if, what if. But...we decided God had led us there, and He'd work out the details. The reality was we were pursuing adoption with our full might, and we were going to need money to do it, period. So we jumped in and decided to just trust the Lord. And He provided.

And now, here we are. We are waiting for God to bring us the baby He had planned for us all along! The baby He had planned for us before we had Jake and Eisley, before our first miscarriage, before Lily, before our last miscarriage. He knew, all along, that this baby was to be part of our family. And He knew what it would take to bring us together. And for other people to say to me, "Why don't you just..." it just puts a lot of power in my hands that I simply don't have! I didn't make things happen this way. I was very open to the Lord's leading. God led us here, slowly, step by step. He closed doors and opened others.

I am confident of this because I have tried walking another path and been quickly turned back to this one! Josh and I very seriously considered a sweet little guy with special health needs living in Russia from Reece's Rainbow. We prayed really hard about him and told the Lord, "We are willing! Just give us the go ahead!" We started pursuing it even, waiting for God to make the path smooth if that was where He wanted us. But early on, God shut that door firmly. Another family stepped forward. Josh didn't feel total peace about continuing, and that was that. God can shut the door. Our job is to pay attention.

We have struggled with knowing "what God's will is". The truth is, sometimes we don't know! We make decisions based on the information we have. Aside from asking ourselves whether or not this is Biblical (okay, adoption is Biblical, but how do I know if it's God's will!?), we don't have a whole lot to go on. So we listen. We pay attention. We stay in Scripture and surround ourselves with other Christians making wise decisions with their lives. We keep praying for guidance, wisdom, direction. All we can do is take a step. Then another step. One at a time.

I am not going to challenge God when He's asked me to do something. When other people question it, I will direct their questions to my supervisor, as it were. ;) Just like at work, I say, "Well, I don't make the rules! I only do what I'm told." If you have an issue with our decision, talk to God. He's the one who led us here. Not many people feel comfortable challenging God. You, they get all brave and questiony with, but bring God into it and suddenly they're so quiet... ;)

Josh and I had a desire to add to our family. We had a desire to adopt a little one. God has awesomely and graciously blessed us with the ability to do that! To the point that we now feel we would be stepping out of His will if we turned around and changed our minds. We are only being obedient. I don't know why God didn't lead us to this country or that country. I don't know why He clearly presented us with this particular agency and program. I don't know why He led us here, when there are a million orphans elsewhere that need families. All I know is that this is where He wants us to be. And who am I to question that? If He wants to shut the door to this, He is perfectly capable of that!

I posted this verse on our blog at the very beginning of our journey, and it has amazed me (though it really shouldn't) that God had done exactly this for us throughout this entire process.

Isaiah 42:16
"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them."

He has promised to stay with us, right by our side, when we are called to things that are unfamiliar (and for me and most people, unfamiliar = scary!). He has promised to light the way, to guide us, to smooth out the path He wants us to take. But most importantly, He will not forsake us. He will not lead us somewhere difficult or scary and then say, "Peace out homies! You're on your own from here!" He will be there. That is comforting to me, especially because it isn't the path to adoption that is the most scary to me, it is the result. I have no idea what we have gotten ourselves into. I don't know the child He will bring to us or his or her specific needs. I don't know how it will change our family, the challenges this child will bring. I don't know anything! All I know is that God will be there, too.

One little comment from a total stranger that, to me, seemed downright accusatory, led me to write this entry. Maybe I was being sensitive. I'm pretty sure I wasn't. But I know for a fact I'm not the only one that gets challenged with comments and questions like that one, so hopefully this will serve as an encouragement to others on a similar path. Unable to specify exactly why God led them down this particular road, only that He did. Someday we will know why! But today, all I can do is obey.

And, of course, wait. ;)