The Call (Part 2)

First of all, Josh and I want to thank everyone so much for your excitement and support!!! We have had so much fun reading all of the encouraging texts and messages on Facebook and the blog regarding the match. We are very excited too and love sharing in the joy with everyone! I wanted to write more about the hours following the call, mostly for my own benefit for down the road when the details become blurry. :)

After I got off the phone with the adoption agency, I went back into the movie theater. The kids both asked me (a little too loudly) why I had been gone for so long. "Were you in the potty that whole time!?!" Eisley asked.  Josh just looked at me and I could tell he knew something was up. I leaned over and said, "It was the adoption agency. We got picked by a birth mom." Josh raised his eyebrows and smiled and said, "Really?" I started to tell him some details, but realized it just wasn't gonna work in a dark, quiet movie theater with kids shushing us all around. ;) I told him we'd talk after the movie, and of course I have no recollection of how that movie ended!

We couldn't even make it out to the car without all three of them asking me a million questions, so right there while we walked to our car in the blazing parking lot of a movie theater, I told everyone that we got the call! We had been picked and the baby is due to come in 8 weeks or less! Jake smiled, Eisley said, "Yaaay!" and Josh said something to the effect of, "Cool dude." ;)

The whole way home I gave Josh details of the phone call. We have known for a few weeks that this potential birthmom was a possibility and we had been notified that we were being considered by her, so he knew the background of the situation since we have been praying for it for awhile. We discussed again the potential risks this baby was facing and how scary that was. We talked about how it was crazy that it was really happening. We smiled.

When we got home, we talked about who and how we should tell people. Only a handful (a very small handful) of people knew about this birthmom and had been praying for us, one of whom was my sister, so I knew I had to call her first (that, and I always call her first). I was so excited to tell her, but deep down in my heart and creeping around the back of my brain, I knew she would be the only person who would be realistically concerned over the scary possibilities this situation held. I called her and told her, "Well, we got the call, and we've been chosen by a birthmom!" She was thrilled and started to cry, and then I knew I had to tell her the rest. "Is this the same situation you've known about for awhile?" I took a deep breath and said, "Yes."

And it was quiet. For those of you who don't know, my sister is a pediatrician at a huge children's hospital here in town. I tell you that because she, just like me, has seen the worst case scenarios again and again. Once you have seen certain things, it is nearly impossible to be entirely optimistic about certain situations. I bit my lip as she very gently asked me if we were prepared to raise a child that "could potentially have major issues for the rest of its life" and if we truly felt at peace about that. She said absolutely nothing hurtful, she said it in the most gentle way she possibly could, and she spoke with love in her words, but right then, I lost it. I started bawling, unable to control the tears as they poured out of my heart. All of the fears, all of the possibilities of what could happen ran through my brain over and over. It was a very hard conversation. But it was one that I had to have. And it was one that I had again with Josh after I hung up with Lisa. And it was not easy at all.

If you are reading this blog, you know our history. You know that we are keenly aware of what can go wrong in a pregnancy. I no longer have the luxury of naivety. I lost that a long time ago, and even though this is not my pregnancy, this child is hopefully going to be my child, and I have those same anxieties that I did with all of the children I have carried myself. This particular pregnancy carries added risks, risks we aren't discussing with the general public, but risks that demand a lot of extra worry and prayer.

When Josh and I were approached with this situation a few weeks ago, we were asked if we would consider being presented to a potential birthmom with XYZ situations. We decided together that we weren't willing to flat out tell the Lord "No, we will not even consider the possibility that this is your will for us," so we agreed to be presented to her. We begun praying that day that the Lord would show us very clearly if this was His will, and if we were not the ones who were best fit to raise this child, that He would close the door firmly. And if we are being 100% completely honest here, I think we each hoped deep, deep down, that He would close that door. We were still holding out hope that we would get a call one day that a perfectly healthy infant with absolutely no issues or difficulties was born and ready to go home that day. ;)

Everyone wants the easiest, most carefree lives as possible. It's human nature! The unknown is so scary, but the unknown with the added risks we were facing was downright terrifying. And we had to accept that it is perfectly okay and normal to be scared! But it is not okay to disobey the Lord's obvious will for you just because of that fear. That is not an easy truth, and I can find a million different ways to excuse it and sugar coat that disobedience, but the fact is that if you know in your heart God wants something for you, and you ignore that, you are choosing a much harder path for yourself in the long run. And I can guarantee you are missing out on something amazing!

Josh and I both feel very strongly that God will equip us to handle any situation He gives us. We asked Him to make it clear to us where He wanted us, and so far He has been extremely clear! This incredibly brave mother chose us, and no matter what this situation might bring, we are committing to this child and are overjoyed that God is possibly choosing to bless our family with him or her! And after some tears and talking, my sister agreed completely. She is the best sister and auntie anyone could ask for, after all. :)

We decided we might as well share the good news, seeing as the baby is due in just a few weeks! Plus we had already told our kids, and six year olds are not best known for their secret keeping abilities. ;) Josh texted his sister and her husband (it was their wedding anniversary and we told them we got them a present!), I texted my brother, and called my parents. My mom was of course overjoyed, and I cannot tell you what a balm to my soul it was to hear her squeal with delight over her new grandbaby, even though she knew full well the whole situation. She was so encouraging, so happy, and after my conversation with her, I think that's when I really let myself get truly excited over this news. We were expecting a baby!

We planned to tell Josh's parents that evening, in person, as they were taking the kids for a couple hours so Josh and I could go out and celebrate our anniversary. At dinner that night, Josh and I discussed baby names (we have settled on a girl name, but are still tossing around boy names...sorry, they are a secret!!!). After dinner we went next door to Babies R Us and bought the baby a present, a little stuffed girraffe! Since we don't know if it is a boy or a girl (and probably won't until the birth), we had to find something neutral, and I just thought it was so cute!!!

We were seeing a movie (Men in Black III, for future reference) so we got settled in the theater but still had about 45 minutes before it started. What better opportunity than that to share the exciting news with my closest friends? ;) (I am realizing now how much of this monumental day has been centered around movie theaters and sequels...hmmm...) I texted a couple of my best friends and nearly killed my phone battery going back and forth with them over the news. If texts had a sound, these would have been LOUD!!! I could practically hear them squeeling even though they were miles away! :)

Josh had to practically rip my phone from my hands when the movie started, so I had to take a break from it and sit through an ENTIRE movie, which is not easy to do when you are so excited! ;)

Afterwards we went back to Josh's parents house to pick up the kids and give them their anniversary present (Yes, it was their anniversary too the next day! What is going on here!?!). That worked out nicely though because it gave us the perfect way to tell them. We wrote in their card that for their anniversary we got them a Pita Jungle gift card and a new grandbaby. ;) They didn't believe us at first, but when they did they were very excited!

So that ends our very exciting day. Later that night I wrote the last blog entry "The Call..." and that was how we announced it to the rest of our loved ones!

Today Eisley and I went to Target to scope out some baby gear. She was so excited and we just had the best time looking at things. We got the chance to talk together and I will have to do a whole individual post on that trip. ;)

Our family is obviously so excited over this new baby. He or she is actually growing as we speak, becoming who they are going to be forever! With our excitement, though, comes feelings I have a hard time describing. We have no control over what is happening to this baby, how they are being cared for, if they are okay or if they are going to be okay. It is really, really hard. We need your prayers more than ever for this child.

We are asking humbly that you guys be in serious prayers for this baby and his or her birthmom. Please pray for the baby's protection and health. Pray for birthmom's heart these next few weeks. Pray that both of them will get the care they need. Pray that this little one arrives safe and sound, and that God will prepare us for whatever lies ahead!

Thank you so much for your support of our family! We love you all very much!

Adoption Classes #5 and #6 and Updates

Well it has been a very busy few weeks, as it always is really, so I am just finding the time to get this post written! We have had two more classes on some really important topics so I just wanted to share a little bit about those with you in case you are interested.

Class #5 was on "Covenant and Commitment". This is in reference to the covenant we make with the birthmother of our child, as well as the commitments we are making to an open adoption. We discussed the differences between a "contract" and a "covenant" and how we would not be entering into a legally binding contract with this woman, but we would be making a covenant with her. Not something that could be legally enforced, but something in my opinion is a heck of a lot more serious.

When we are matched with a birth family, we decide together what level of involvement we are all comfortable with. How much contact will we have, how often will we send pics or videos, how often will there be visits with our child's birth mother and/or birth family? A covenant provides a general schedule for the birthmother to know when she can expect to hear about the baby's progress and when she can expect to see the baby again. It lets everyone know up front what the boundaries and expectations are. When all of this is agreed upon, we all sign a Covenant with each other. It isn't legally binding, as I said before, and can technically be revoked by either party if they choose, but it is something we are promising to one another, a commitment to the child, a covenant before God that we will not enter into lightly. Much like a marriage, we are committing to a relationship with this person for the rest of our lives, and setting our child up for the kind of relationship he or she will have with their birth family. We commit to a certain number of visits per year as well as the kind of contact we will have. Will there be frequent emails? Pictures? Texts? Phone calls? How often? Who is welcome at the visits? How far in advance do we need to plan them? What will they look like? How long will they last? These are just some of the things discussed in the covenant agreement.

I am very aware that the thought of having an open relationship with our child's birth mother and family seems really strange to some people. It is not something I ever would have pictured myself being open to, and Josh was even more leery of it going into this process. But we have learned a lot and have seen what that kind of healthy relationship actually looks like, and we understand that having at least some kind of relationship is what is best for the child mostly, but also everyone involved. We do not expect everyone to be at the same level of "okayness" with this as we are because we've had more time, more information, and more exposure to the idea of open adoption than most people. We know it will probably take everyone awhile to "catch up" to where we're at, and it might even take actually seeing what our family's relationship with our birth family looks like for our friends and family to "get it". That's okay! We are okay with being the pioneers here in our group of friends and family. We are hopeful that seeing what we've gone through and what God does with it all will possibly soften some other hearts out there towards adoption of some kind!

We talked in our class about what the role of a birth parent looks like in a healthy open adoption. It is similar to that of an aunt or uncle or cousin, their role is to love the child without assuming any of the parental responsibilities. They are the child's link to his or her genetic heritage. We talked about how many birth parents cannot be good parents at this time in their life, but they can be champion birth parents if given the opportunity.

We are thankful that our agency is always there and ready to help us if situations ever arise that we aren't completely sure how to handle. This will be very new to us and we are glad to have such great, experienced supporters that can help us figure out and nurture a great and healthy relationship with our child's birth family.

We discussed the possibility of the birth parents being unavailable, and how sometimes, despite our intentions and willingness and desire to have an open relationship with our child's birth mother and/or family, they just aren't able or willing to do that at this point. To be completely honest, when I entered into this process, that sounded like the "ideal" scenario to me. Cutting ties with the birth family and pursuing a closed adoptionseemed like the best idea and possibly the "easiest" for all involved. But I know Josh and I have come a looong way because the thought of that now makes me very sad. I truly want our little one to have a connection to his or her roots, to have some kind of relationship with his or her birth family, to know and understand the reasons behind their adoption, to know in their hearts that they were always loved and wanted, to be able to ask questions of their birth family that I can't answer. We are praying very hard for our child's birth mother and are hopeful we'll be able to have an open relationship with her.

Class #6 was called "Transracial and Special Needs Adoptions". We spent the first part of class discussing the effects of drugs, alcohol, and mental illness on children. Working at a children's hospital, none of it was really news to me, though I think Josh learned a lot. We talked about the possibility of adopting children who were exposed to a lot or a little drugs or alcohol in the womb. We discussed what special needs those babies might have either immediately or down the road or both. We again talked about our "Child Desired Form" and are all being asked to redo them after our classes to make sure we haven't had a change of heart towards certain scenarios.

Our instructor talked about how this is a really personal decision, and that we should really be in prayer about what we're open to. She said, "This isn't the time to be politically correct. You guys have to make a decision for your family and go into it with eyes wide open, knowing what your particularr family unit can handle and nourish and thrive in." She talked about how she knows it is extremely hard to fill that form out because you feel like a terrible person if you don't check every single box, and then if you don't check a box, you wonder why you don't check it and if that's really the right decision and what if I don't check it and my baby that's supposed to be "my" baby never comes home to me because I didn't check the box??? It is not an easy paper to fill out.

She told us how once we've filled out the paperwork, it doesn't mean it is set in stone. We can call up our case worker at any time and tell her we've changed our mind about a certain situation and would like her to change our form. God might open or close our hearts to certain things, and we are just trusting that He will get us comfortable with whatever He has in store!

We spent a lot of time discussing the topic of transracial adoption, and had some special guest speakers who adopted children of a different race than their own. It was a really interesting discussion and we feel like we both learned a lot about what that really looks like in day to day life, the issues that arise, the views people (strangers as well as friends and family) may have, and the things that are extremely important to consider if we are open to adopting a little one who isn't the same race as us. Just as an FYI, Josh and I are totally open to this, so we are doing our best to prepare our kids and family and selves for the possibilty of becoming a multi-racial family! We are aware that it completely changes the look and dynamic of our family, and we are praying that God will prepare us for all of that if He decides to bless us in that way.

This class was definitely a little scary. We are being asked to take a really good, hard look at the type of situation we are open to considering. Some of the scenarios are downright frightening, some of them are just different, completely different than what we've ever dealt with, and that is a bit scary too! We simply have to trust that God knows what child is perfectly made for our family, and know that He will bring us to each other and work everything out and equip us to handle whatever that brings.

One of the speakers talked about how the very things she was completely closed to and terrified of were the exact scenarios each of her adopted children had when they brought them home. God challenged her in ways she never wanted or planned on, but she wouldn't change a thing. There are definitely a lot of scenarios that terrify me, and ones I'd just rather not have to deal with, but I am really trying to trust that God will equip me to handle whatever He asks me to handle. He's done it before, and I'm sure He'll do it again.

When I was growing up I always heard people say, "Ohhh I hope I have twins someday! I've always wanted twins!" Not me! I never wanted twins and couldn't understand why people would. Hadn't they ever cared for a screaming infant? They want to double that? No thanks. I wanted to have my babies one at a time like God intended. ;) Lo and behold, my very first pregnancy, TWINS!!! And you know what? I was right. They were incredibly difficult just as I thought they would be, and during my pregnancy and those first few months with my infants every time someone told me how lucky I was to have "killed two birds with one stone" I wanted to stick a fork in their eye. But. But, oh my gosh the blessings. Worth every single ache and pain of a full term twin pregnancy, worth sleeping a total of three hours a week for six months, worth the craziness and the chaos and the giant double stroller only The Hulk could handle. Thank GOD He didn't listen to my whining! I absolutely adore, absolutely adore, having my twins. I am the luckiest mama alive and I am so glad God challenged me in that way!

I am confident God knows what we need, what we can handle, and who will be a perfect fit in our little family. We are open to what He's planning for us, as scary as that is, because over time we have learned that to say "No, absolutely not, God, not me!" is to basically dare Him to do it. ;) And things are a lot harder when you're completely unwilling to bend to His will.

So that sums up the last two classes, though we learn and cover far more than I have time or energy to put here. We only have ONE MORE CLASS left!!! Yippee!!! I can't believe how fast everything is going! I am still anxiously awaiting the arrival of our Match Letter in the mail. The company I created it with is refusing to send me the PDF of if, for copyright reasons apparently, so I have to wait to get it in the mail before I can make copies of it and send it to our agency. Boo! ;)

We have one last meeting with our caseworker on the 7th to go over our new "Child Desired Form" and hopefully, hopefully (please God!) hand in our Match Letter copies and fee. Our Raffle/Genghis Grill Fundraiser is less than a week away! We have sold over 230 tickets for the Raffle and are spreading the word like crazy to get people to come on out to the Genghis Grill at Arrowhead for lunch or dinner on Wednesday! Remember, you must have the flyer with you for us to receive the 20% of your ticket, so print one off here and don't forget to bring it! Every dollar counts, and if you will notice, our thermometer is slowly but surely creeeeping upwards with each ticket sold!

We have some AMAZING baskets to raffle off, and there is still time to get your tickets! Click HERE for the list of prizes you can enter to win. Entries are just $5 a piece! Contact me to get yours! Special thanks to my mother-in-law, Robin, for helping me put all those baskets together and even donated two herself!! Also to my mom and dad, my sister, Ashley, and Heather N. who donated baskets for the Raffle! And THANK YOU to everyone who donated items for it as well! So many people stepped up to give us gift cards, money, handmade items, their business services, and their time to make these baskets extra awesome! Every single basket has entries in it, and that is all thanks to you guys and your generosity!!! I'm so excited to see who will win!

Thanks again for keeping up to date with our journey. We are getting SO CLOSE you guys, I am so proud of how far we have come and of all our friends and family who have walked this road with us and helped us so much. We could do none of this without your love and support. It is not always easy, but it is always worth it. Thank you for sticking with us!

Adoption Class #4 - The Birth Parent Experience

Wow, this was such an eye-opening class! I had been looking forward to it since I saw the title of the class on our schedule, and was not disappointed. It gave us such a real look into the experience of birth parents, their reasons for making the choice they do, how they cope with it, what their relationships with adoptive families look like, and so much more.

The class was started with a discussion about how we viewed birth parents. What did we picture when talking about a birth mother? What were our greatest "fears" of birth parents, or more specifically, the relationship we would have with them? Our instructor answered a lot of questions and addressed many of the fears some of the couples have. She talked about what a "typical" birth mother looks like as far as her background, etc. But also stressed that birth mothers come from all walks of life, all backgrounds, all ages. She talked about what they go through when they come to the agency, and I will share that here with you guys since I've had lots of questions on the subject!

Our agency has pregnancy counselors that help in the decision making process, and offer it free of charge to pregnant women. They counsel women about their options (remember, however, that this is a Christian agency, so they do not provide or encourage abortions, though some of the women who end up making an adoption or parenting plan originally contacted the agency for an abortion), and help them get assistance and resources if they do decide to parent. If parenting is desired, the agency helps them find work, child care, helps them apply for government assistance and insurance, and offers counseling and parenting classes.

If, after decision making counseling and time, the mother decides to make an adoption plan, she works together with her pregnancy counselor to find an adoptive family for her child. She is shown a book ("The Match Book") that has the profiles of many different couples hoping to adopt. When couples are certified to adopt, they are asked to put together a "Match Letter" to show potential birth mothers. It is basically a four page "scrapbook" detailing the couple's family, their faith, their personalities and interests, etc. If you are incredibly nosy like I am, you can actually view the current Match Letters here. ;) Josh and I are working on ours now and are hoping to enter the book sometime in March!

The birth mother is asked to pick her "top two" couples based on what she sees in the book (although most of the birth parents that we heard from said they had a hard time choosing two couples, because one usually stuck out to them far above the rest, as if God was pointing them to her!). The agency then calls the adoptive family or families that she would like to meet, and a meeting is scheduled. During the match meeting, the birth mother and potential adoptive couple talk and get to know each other a bit more. We discussed how incredibly nerve racking that meeting is for adoptive couples, but the truth is it feels that way for both parties! The birth mother that spoke in our class talked about how she was so nervous, she made the adoptive couple wait for a really long time in the waiting room before she was ready to begin!

If, after the match meeting, the birth mother feels confident that this is the couple she wants to adopt her baby, she lets her pregnancy counselor know. She is asked to take some time to really be sure before the adoptive couple is informed of her choice. Sometimes the mother decides to meet with another couple, sometimes she requests another meeting with the same couple, sometimes she "just knows" after that first meeting. Match meetings go both ways. It is also important for the adoptive couple to feel comfortable with the match as well, and they have every right to say, "This just doesn't feel right" after meeting with a birth mother. We were told it doesn't happen very often, but it is good to know we will have the opportunity to pray about it and decide together if we are a good fit for each other! These meetings typically take place around the mother's seventh month of pregnancy, so if a match is made, there isn't much of a wait for that baby!

The relationship between the birth mother (or parents) and the adoptive family is really unique to the individuals. Some of the birth mothers we heard from had little contact with the adoptive families prior to the birth of the baby, some of them allowed the adoptive families to attend doctor's appointments and met frequently with them, building strong relationships. Every situation is different. The birth mother that spoke in our class, along with the mother that adopted her son, became very close prior to the baby's birth. It was really interesting to see how the adoptive couple essentially "adopted" the young birth mother and was a huge source of love and support for her. The birth mother talked about how very much that meant to her during a time when she had virtually no support from friends or family. The adoptive mother talked about how they had one adoption fall through before when the mother decided to parent, so when they were matched with this girl, they approached it with the attitude of "We are here to love her and support her no matter what she decides to do, if she decides to make an adoption plan, we will be thrilled to parent that baby, but if she decides to parent, we did everything we could for her and showed her God's love and support during a very difficult time in her life." Josh and I talked afterward and made a decision that that's exactly how we will look at it. We might be the only people in her life that love the Lord and can love on her and support her. Though it would be another devastating loss if the adoption plans fell through for us, we would be so happy that she made the decision to parent and we did all we could to show her God's love during her pregnancy.

Adoption plans are not always made in this kind of scenario. There are also "cold calls", when the birth mother has not had contact with an adoption agency prior to the birth of a baby, but goes into labor and decides at the hospital she wants to place the baby. This, and other similar scenarios, results in very abrupt phone calls to adoptive parents basically saying, "We have a baby here, would you like it?" Can you imagine!? Getting a phone call out of the blue at work one day and suddenly having a new son or daughter?!? Josh and I decided that would be crazy cool, and the Target trip that would ensue that evening would be epic. Epic.

We watched a video in class that interviewed a lot of birth parents, mostly mothers, but fathers too. My heart broke for them and I was absolutely floored at the courage they showed. These were normal, regular people. Nice people, people I would be friends with, that found themselves in a heart-wrenching situation. They talked about finding out they were pregnant, what they went through, how they decided to make an adoption plan, and their experience choosing parents for their child. The part that got to me the most, and made the tears flow down my face uncontrollably (I was really wishing I wasn't in the front row where everyone could see me!), was when they talked about the final hand-off of their child, and how it felt to leave the hospital without their baby. My heart absolutely broke for them, because I know that pain. I felt it as one mother talked about being wheeled out of the hospital without her baby. I had flashbacks to that very moment when I was being wheeled out of the hospital after having Lily, and how absolutely hollow I felt. Literally hollow. As they described those moments, saying goodbye to their baby and having to leave them there, I cried and cried because I know how that feels. It is so very difficult, nearly impossible, but these mothers loved their babies so much that they endured this pain I would never wish on my worst enemy to offer their children a better chance at life.

I don't know what your opinion of birth mothers has been, but let me tell you something. The choice to surrender a baby for adoption is never easy. I know what it feels like to hand your baby over and leave without them. I watched the same emotions come out as these birth mothers talked about the bittersweet hospital experience, how it feels to finally see your beautiful baby, but know you won't be bringing them home. As I watched them tell their stories, I remembered my own pain in handing Lily back to the nurse, in leaving empty-handed, in being joyful over her presence and simultaneously crushed over knowing it wouldn't last. I watched their tears flow and I wanted to jump through the screen and give them a great big hug and wipe their tears away! And just then, I felt God whispering to me, "This is why."

I may never fully understand why we lost Lily, why we had the experience we did, but I know there is a real possibility that God wanted to give me a special heart for the birth mother's sacrifice, that He wanted me to have an empathy for their hearts that not everyone does. I think this because I do. I do have an empathy and an appreciation for what it is they are choosing to do, because I know how impossibly hard it must be. Not because I can imagine how hard or try and picture how hard, but because I felt how incredibly difficult it was, and to know that these women choose that kind of pain for themselves out of love for their child, because they wanted to give them life, because they wanted to give them a better life, that is unbelievably strong. It is super human. Any normal person would not have the strength to make that kind of decision, that kind of selfless sacrifice that brings them incredible pain and turmoil. When was the last time you made a decision that brought you absolute agony, for the sake of someone else? That is what these birth mothers do. They put their child ahead of their own desires and make a very, very hard choice. I don't just admire that, I am completely blown away by it. I hope you are too.

We talked about how birth mothers and adoptive families make a hospital plan together, how she decides who she wants present and how she wants things to go. She makes the call, and we will be along for the ride, there to support her in whatever way we can. We discussed again how we need to be prepared for the birth mother's change of heart, and remember that there is always a possibility, even in the strongest decisions, that mom will decide to parent her baby. As I have said before, birth mom cannot sign official relinquishment papers until 72 hours after birth, so that baby has to go home to someone, and it is almost always with the adoptive parents. We were told to "hold that baby loosely" for those few days in wait for the birth mother to sign those final papers. We are praying that God will grant us peace and patience during that time, and that He will help us deal with whatever situation might present itself.

Another thing I really appreciate about our adoption agency is how they continue the process of caring for the birth moms long after the adoption. They offer grief counseling and are there for them even after the adoption is final. Placing a baby for adoption is a huge loss to a mother, no matter how confident she is in her decision or how "right" it is for her. She is still grieving, and I am so thankful our agency makes sure to take care of them and continue their counseling after the baby's birth.

We also talked a lot about making plans for how our relationship will look like with the birth family after the adoption. Again, every situation is so unique, so we really can't venture to guess what ours will look like, but we know we are open to openness. We have seen the value in a child knowing where they came from. The birth mother who spoke in our class had the unique perspective of being adopted herself, and told us that when she made an adoption plan for her child, she wanted "to do it right this time." She had a closed adoption and did not meet her birth mother until she was 18. She talked about the issues that caused for her, and how she wanted her child to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she loved him, and the decision to place him for adoption was one made out of love, not rejection.

I have struggled since we started this road to adoption with the kind of adoption Josh and I should pursue. I have such a heart for orphans who have no one else, who may have special needs or are in dire situations. I have grown to love international adoption, and have seen amazing things happen through that! But God clearly led Josh and me down this road of domestic infant adoption. We really feel that way for a variety of reasons. I struggled for some time with "Are we on the right path? There are so many orphans! Is essentially "taking" an infant from his birth mother really the kind of adoption we want?"

I am sharing these thoughts with you because I realized that maybe I'm not the only one who has wondered why we went down this path. It was not because of the finances or the fact that we really wanted an infant, though those are certainly factors in our decision. There was a time when Josh and I really wavered and very seriously considered changing our entire plan and adopting a special needs child from Russia who had no one else to love him! But God closed that door and continued to nudge us this way, down this path with this agency. After this week I think I really am starting to understand why. Josh and I will not just love our child, we will love his mother. We will appreciate her sacrifice more than anyone else can. We hope God will allow us to have a relationship with her that will be a positive one in her life! We hope our child grows up knowing how utterly loved they are, by everyone who ever called him their child. Not every couple is willing to have an open adoption with their child's birth family. We are. Not everyone can fully appreciate the sacrifice these mothers make for the sake of their little one. We do. Maybe that's why He led us this way.

I am fully confident that God has already picked out the little one and his family that we will adopt and love forever! We don't know all that will happen on the way there, but it is comforting to know that it is already decided. He knows, and He will get us there! I might not always come across as this patient, but I will say it now for when I need to read it later!

I hope this entry gave you a new perspective on birth families and their experience in the adoption process. If you ever have any questions, I would be happy to answer them! We know that "open adoption" is a foreign and scary concept to many people, it was to us too at first! We would be happy to answer any questions or worries you might have and hope you feel comfortable asking!

Once again, please be in prayer for our baby and his or her mother. Please pray that God will grant her strength and wisdom to make hard decisions, and that He will give her peace when she makes the right one. Thank you for following our story and for learning right along with us!

Adoption Class #3 - The Healthy Adoption Experience

We had a lot going on this week (what's new?) so I am sorry my blog updates are getting fewer and farther between, but it doesn't mean we aren't moving right along! The opposite is true, really! The faster things are moving and the busier we get, the less time I find to blog! But I really want to make sure I am passing along at least the highlights of each class, because Josh and I learn so much each time, and hopefully you will too!

This week's class covered a lot of information. We spent a lot of time on the "Common Myths" about adoption, learned about some core issues of adoption, talked about the building blocks of healthy adoptive families, learned about the similarities and differences in parenting by birth vs. parenting by adoption, and spent some time talking about the reality of bracing for a birthparent's change of heart. We also went over "Positive Adoptive Language" again, and I will share some of that with you in this entry since we've danced around it for awhile.

I think the most helpful thing for me in this class was talking about the myths and fears about adoption. I know I certainly have had a number of these cross my mind, and sometimes I spend hours dwelling on them. Just like with a pregnancy, there are fears and worries, but I have never adopted before, and I know very few people who have, so those fears tend to get even more magnified in my worried little brain. I felt better seeing them on paper, because that had to mean at least I wasn't the only one that worried about these things! And as I saw the other adoptive couples nod their heads as we read them off, I realized that we are all going through it. I'm going to list some of the myths and fears we talked about below, because if I have thought about some of these things, I'm sure you have too!

Myths and Fears About Adoption

I will never be able to love someone else's child like I would my own.

Okay. This is a big one. I am going to stick my neck out and say that I think it is even bigger for people who have biological children already. How is it even possible that I could love the child we adopt as much as I love the children we have now? In class, we talked about how it is very similar to being pregnant again after having one child. You go through the same exact fear and worry, thinking, "How could I love another child as much as I love our first? It just isn't possible!" And yet, as every mother of more than one child will tell you, when that baby becomes real to you, when you hold them for the first time, your heart just grows. It just does! When I was pregnant with Lily, I honestly had the same worry I do now about having another child, adopted or not! Will there be enough love to go around? Will another child decrease the love I have for my children? Will I like the new one as much as I like the ones I already have? (Seriously, I have thought these things, and you know what? So have you. Don't deny it.)

To quote from our handout, "Those who raise children by birth and by adoption know this (myth) simply isn't true. Adoptive parents often find themselves amazed at how strongly they feel that their new son or daughter belongs with them! They also find it insulting for people to make a distinction between children by adoption and children "of your own." Their adopted children are their own children!"

Infertility is not an issue for us any more - we have resolved all that.

 Josh and I have a hard time coming up with a name for our "fertility" issues. We have had healthy pregnancies, birthed healthy children. We have had miscarriages, stillbirth, "flukes" that went completely unexplained. We have no problem getting pregnant, but we haven't been able to have a healthy baby for six years! We don't fit the "infertility" label, we don't even fit the secondary infertility label, not really. But we certainly have issues! That is for sure. When we finally, finally hold our baby after all of our waiting and loss and hurting, it will be amazing. It will be so amazing! But it will not erase all we've been through to get there.

Again quoting from our class, "Infertility is a huge loss and it does inflict a wound. Like any wound, it can heal, but the scars and the tenderness will always be there. Champion adoptive parents are those who have faced their pain, walked through it (not around it), and have come out the other side better able to understand others who have been wounded by life. These are parents who can empathize with the pain of the birthmother's loss and their child's loss. Because of that empathy, they are better able to embrace the birthmother's role in their child's life without fear."

That last part really struck a chord with me. I hurt for our birthmother. I admire her so very much for the decision she is choosing to make for the sake of her child. But I know what it is like to leave the hospital empty-handed. I know what it feels like to hand away your baby, to go on living without them. I know the hole that it will leave in her heart for the rest of her life, and my heart literally hurts for her. I start to cry whenever I think about it. I am thankful that the Lord has allowed me to feel her pain on a very real level, because I know He will use that in my life to empathize with our child's birthmother. I know it will urge me to pray for her heart often, and I am sure it will help our relationship with her, whatever that might look like.

Parenting is parenting - it doesn't make any difference if it is by birth or adoption.

In class, we talked about how children who were adopted have very different issues than children born biologically into your family. This shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone! But the reality of it is, every child needs to be parented in a unique way that fits that child's personality, character, and heart! I know this first-hand from raising twins. Yes, my kids were born on the same day, they were the exact same size, looking very similar to each other, related by blood certainly, with the same parents, raised in the same house with the same rules...yet...they are so different, and we parent them very differently!

Our daughter is highly independent. She takes offense to help being offered to her. She was born a tiny little mother. She melts at one stern look from anyone. She cannot be coerced, swayed, or talked into anything she doesn't want to do. She is the most obedient, helpful child I have ever met. We parent her accordingly.

Her brother is a follower. He will do what everyone else thinks he should do. He is loud, obnoxious, hilarious, rough and tumble, yet somehow incredibly tender-hearted and at times, very timid. He has a scientific brain, but an empathy for other creatures that is astounding. He is such a boy. And we parent him accordingly.

It should be a no-brainer that our next child, adopted or not, will be very different than the two we are raising now. Being prepared for that will, well, help us be more prepared for that!

Maybe infertility is God's way of telling me I wouldn't be a good parent, so we should take that as a sign.

I re-worded this a tad, because we dissected it a lot in class. What this myth boils down to, is that many adoptive parents fear that their struggles to get pregnant is God's way of telling them no. No to parenting, no to having a child, no to having more children, no. It is His way of "closing the door" to children. Josh and I have struggled with this a lot. Like, a lot. If it was so easy for us to have the twins, should we take it as a sign that the difficulties we've had since is God's way of saying no to more children? Other couples who haven't been able to get pregnant at all struggle with the idea that maybe they aren't "supposed" to be parents. Not only that, but all of us have had at least one comment saying something to the effect of, "Well, not everyone is meant to be a parent" or "Well, maybe God is trying to tell you something. Maybe you should be happy with the family you have." Personally, I have had only a handful of very veiled hints that maybe we should "move on", and I'm thankful for that, because some of the things people can say are downright stupid. 

We live in a fallen world. It sucks, but that's just the way it is. There is sin, sickness, pain, suffering, and God didn't desire any of it, yet we introduced it anyway, and we are now living with its consequences. When you look at someone born blind, do you conclude that God was punishing them? That maybe they simply weren't worthy of the gift of sight? Infertility and loss are a part of our fallen world, they aren't "of God". But like any evil and terrible thing, God can turn it into something wonderful! He can open new doors, He can and sometimes does perform miracles, and sometimes He nudges us down a new path. Our instructor said, "Ask any adoptive parent if they would give up their son or daughter for a child 'of their own' and see their reaction!"

Just having a child in my arms will cure the pain of infertility.

Again, I am not able to speak of the pain of infertility, but I know loss. I know that the pain of each pregnancy loss will not go away just because God gives us another child. You cannot replace children with more children.  Josh and I have five children, three in Heaven and two here with us, and we love them each uniquely. We are praying that God will allow us lots of time here with the next child that comes along, but know full well that finally holding a new baby will not erase the memories or the pain of our losses. 

For those who have been unable to conceive on their own, and then go on to adopt, the pain of infertility will always be with them. They still can't carry a child, and that is painful, whether you are blessed with a child through adoption or not. I think this is really important for people to understand, because understanding creates empathy, and I think we could use a whole lot more empathy in this world!

Birthparents need to get on with their lives, and they can't do that if they stay involved in their child's life.

The truth of it is, involved or not, birthmothers will never be able to just "get on with their lives". They go forward, they continue living, but they will never move on. I can't imagine someone saying to me, "Karen, it is time to forget about Lily and get on with your life." Excuse me? She was my child, I will never move on from her. It is not so different for birthmothers. They are forever changed after having their child, and for many mothers it is the contact they are able to have with that child that helps them heal. Sometimes, it is necessary to encourage a birthmother to get counseling to help her deal with her grief before resuming visits or contact with the child, but for goodness sake, who wouldn't need counseling after that? We are praying for our brithmother fervently, and hope that we are able to have some kind of contact with her to show her how very much her child is loved and adored, and what a beautiful sacrifice she made for the sake of her baby.

If our child's birthmother could see what a beautiful child he is, she would want him back.

This is perhaps the most expressed myth or fear that I have encountered when I talk about open adoption with others. I'm going to just copy what our handout says because it probably explains it better than I can.

"On one level this is undoubtedly true. She will have days when she aches with regret over her decision. She will yearn to be the one who feeds, clothes, and nurtures her baby. But it is extremely rare for those feelings of loss to be translated into action. Few birthmothers seek to have their child returned to them - or even try to undermine the adoption on an emotional level. Along with the pain and grief is the realization that she made her decision based on what she thought was best for her child at the time. Hard as it is to believe, many birthmothers experience real joy when they can see how happy and loved their child is in your family."

This is a tough one, for sure! It is very hard for us to think about the fact that with our unbelievable joy over our new baby, there is an incredible amount of pain and loss for his mommy. She is making the decision to place him in our family because she cannot care for him. She chose life for him rather than abortion months ago. She carried him all the way to term, and placed him in another family, our family. What an incredible sacrifice. One I am sure she will regret from time to time. We're praying for her every day, and I would love it if you did too!!!

Those are the big myths and fears that I wanted to talk about here. We covered quite a bit more, and I felt so much better after this class. I am so in love with our agency and all they do for us as adoptive parents, as well as how they advocate for the children and the birth families. I'm so comforted knowing what great hands our birthmom is in.

As I said earlier, I want to go over the Language of Adoption that we've talked about a lot in our classes. I will preface this by saying that Josh and I have had to make quite a few adjustments to the way we talk about our adoption, it is a learning experience for everyone! Our desire is that our children and our soon-to-be child feel completely loved and accepted in our family, always. I hope they never feel uncomfortable or hurt over something someone says unintentionally or intentionally. I hope you guys learn right along with us, and help change the way we talk about adoption and the way we talk to families who have adopted!

Negative Adoption Language

-"Children of your own" - Our adopted child is our own child, our very own! We hope he never feels otherwise.
- "Natural children" - All of our kids are natural...let's not make our new baby feel "unnatural"!
- "Put up for adoption" or "Gave up for adoption" - Josh and I use this term regularly, and are trying to change it. Did you know that the term "put up for adoption" came from the days of orphan trains, when children were literally put up on auction blocks to be inspected and sold at auction? Our birthmother is not doing anythign of the sort. She is making an adoption plan , and is not giving him away. This tells the child he was unwanted, unloved, and an object to be passed off, and I never want our child to feel that way!

Positive Adoption Language

-"Parents by adoption" or "Parents by birth" - Our child is blessed to have so many people who will love him. Not only us, his adopted family, but the family who gave birth to him. We will be given this child by adoption, but that does not erase his parents by birth. They existed and loved him, and will continue to do so after we adopt him.

- "Placed for adoption" or "Made an adoption plan" or "Relinquished the child"- Our child's birthmother is doing just that, making a plan for the life of her child. Using language like that conveys to the child and to the world that the birthmother took an active role in planning for her child, in creating the best possible life for him. She did so with thought and care and love for her child. She did not give him away, put him up for adoption, or hand him off. She made the best possible plan she could for him, with time and thought and love, and relinquished him because she decided that is what was best. It was not easy, thoughtless, careless, or hasty. I like using the word relinquised, because I think it more accurately conveys the birthmother's heart. It is hard, it is painful, it is probably the last thing she wants to do, but it is done out of love for her baby.

The last thing I wanted to talk about here was the last thing we discussed in class on Tuesday, and probably the hardest. As I have talked about before, a birthmother is not allowed to sign relinquishment papers until 72 hours after the birth of the baby. Most healthy babies and moms are discharged around 24 hours after birth. You do the math. That baby has to go home with someone, and 99% of the time, it is with the adoptive family. That means that depending on the day the baby was born, he usually goes home and spends close to four days or more with the adoptive family before the adoption papers can be signed and finalized. It is a very real possibility that the birthmother will have a change of heart during those four days and decide to parent her baby.

While this is a very difficult thing to imagine, it happens. It should not be a surprise when a mother decides to parent her baby. It shoud be surprising when she doesn't. Like I have said before, I never want to have a baby placed with us who should have or could have been parented by his birthmother. I believe that God will give us the baby He has planned for us, in His own timing! What is more difficult for me to deal with is the fact that we might be bringing home a precious little baby to our children, who will immediately attach themselves to that child. I worry about then having to explain to them, "Nevermind, he wasn't ours afterall."

Josh and I have talked about how we are going to deal with that, and the reality is we are just going to have to deal with it as it comes. I cannot predict the situation, and there are so many different possibilities that I just can't prepare for any of them. If God blesses us with a baby, we will explain to our kids that we are so excited to take care of that baby until his mommy can decide whether or not she can take care of him. If she can't, then we will be so happy to adopt him into our family. My kids are so smart, so empathetic, so adaptable, I know they will be just fine. That will be another loss to us that will be so incredibly hard, so I am praying God spares us from that, but we know very well that it is still a possibility. Just like with our pregnancies, we would be optimistic, but realistic. We are hopeful, but experience has taught us that hard things happen, and God will be there if they do.

Like I said, we had a lot to cover this week! Thank you for reading all of that and learning some new things about adoption! Another big milestone in the process this week was our homestudy interview. Our caseworker came to our house and spent some time talking to our kids, who did wonderfully! She glanced around our house a bit (very briefly, to my surprise after cleaning all week!) and made some notes. I told Josh that even though I had been warned that they barely look at your house during the homestudy, I still felt like I needed to make it as wonderful as I possibly could. I realized that I do these things because it is the only thing I have control over in this process. I will do what I can when I can! Just like in a pregnancy, there is so little you have actual control over. You can go to your appointments, you can take your vitamins and eat right, but that's about it. Everything else is completely out of your control. So you do what you can to the very best of your ability because it's all you can do! Well, in this adoption process, I can do very little. I can clean my house when my caseworker is scheduled to come over. I can go to our appointments, I can listen at our classes. I can pray for our baby. Everything else is pretty much entirely out of my hands, but at least I know I am doing everything I possibly can!

If you are praying, please, please pray for our baby!!! Pray for protection over him or her. Pray for his birthmother. Pray for her heart and for her protection and that she will be supported and loved during a very difficult time.

Josh and I have four more classes to go. We have two more interviews with our caseworker. After that, our homestudy will be submitted for approval, and we will enter the matchbook! Once we are in the matchbook, we are considered, "Officially Expecting" and can receive placement of a baby at any time! It could be a day, it could be a year. One thing I found really comforting was when our adoption instructor told us that a couple who has been placed in the matchbook has never not had a baby placed with them. No matter how long, it will happen eventually!

I will keep everyone posted, and we hope you will continue praying for us and supporting us through this process! Thank you so much for walking with us!

Adoption Class #1 - Open Adoption

Last week we had our first of seven adoption classes through our agency. A lot of people have commented on the "hoops" we are having to jump through to adopt, including these classes, but I have to say I for one am very grateful they are offered and required! We are learning a lot, and adoption is completely new terrain for us, so the more prepared we are, the better.

One thing that really stuck out to us was how our agency stresses to the adoptive families that they are not there to find us all a baby, but to find these children families. Their first priority is the children, and they want the families that are matched with them to be as prepared and ready as possible. Each class has a different topic, covering everything from Open Adoption to Grief and Loss. Our first class covered a brief history of adoption, open adoption, adoption laws, and the adoption "triad" (baby, adoptive parents, and birth parents).

We hit on a lot of information, so I will try to condense it to some of the more important info we covered. We're in a class of about ten to twelve other adoptive couples, so we all introduced ourselves and gave a quick background. Our instructor prayed with us (I seriously LOVE our agency! Totally Christ-centered which means a lot to us!) and then spent some time talking about what the Bible says about adoption, which was pretty cool! She gave examples of different people in the Bible who were adopted (Moses, Queen Esther, even Jesus!) and also how Christianity itself is the ultimate adoption example. As Christians, God has adopted us into His family, giving us the rights and standing in His family as His children! He paid a ransom to rescue us (far more than the $13,000 or so that we are raising to adopt our child!) and accepted us into His family, loving us far beyond what we deserve or can even imagine. I love being reminded of how much God loves adoption, how it is totally of Him, and how this path is not second best, but something we have been given as a gift!

We then touched quickly on "Adoption Friendly Language" and the history of how that is evolving. We were given a handout on phrases that are now outdated and sometimes really hurtful, and what phrases and terms to use instead. I might list all of them on an upcoming entry as an FYI, but I will give you a couple examples here. It is not really appropriate to refer to the birth mother or father as the "real" mother or father, but rather the "birth" parents. If they are the "real" parents, does that make Josh and I the "pretend" parents? See where I'm going? :) The same goes to referring to our biological kids as our "real" kids, because how would that make our new baby feel? Probably like they aren't "really" a part of our family!

After that, we started our discussion on open adoption. What it means, what it looks like, how it has changed over time, etc. By my own definition, open adoption is an adoption without secrets. The birth mother chooses the family she places her child with, she gets to knows us, we get to know her, there is some kind of relationship between us before and after the birth of the baby. We are aware of her medical and social history, she has made an informed decision of the couple she is placing her child with. Open adoption has become the "norm" in adoption situations here in the U.S. and is now thought to be the very best scenario an adopted child can grow up in, if the family situation is appropriate.

I was surprised to learn that open adoption was actually historically the normal way to conduct adoptions right up until about 1930. After that, adoptions were mostly all closed in the U.S., mostly because it was thought to be best by the social workers of that time. It was done out of what they thought would protect all parties, but years later, when these children were grown adults, there was a huge change of thought due to the fact that they had grown up with absolutely no idea of where they came from, what their medical background was like, the reasoning behind their parents decision to surrender them, and so much more.

Adoption records had been sealed for years, but sometime in the 70's there was a movement to open them up and allow these children to have access to at least their medical history. Adoption was tainted with secrecy and even shame for a very long time, and that way of thinking began to shift only in the last few decades for a variety of reasons. There is still, however, questions among many people asking if it is really best for the child to know his or her birth parents, their story, or if it is best to "protect" them by keeping this information a secret and "protecting" them from the truth. Our instuctor reminded us, though, how secrets and lies are never of God. I really had the wake up call that God is truth, and He would not want any of His children growing up under the pretense of lies and secrets. I am NOT talking about unavoidable situations such as international adoptions where a lot of information simply isn't available to adoptive families, I'm talking about when information is available and the choice is made to hide it from the child.

I've had a few comments to the effect of, "Doesn't it worry you that with open adoption your child won't know who his parents are?" NOPE!!! Though there are quite a few worries in this adoption process, that is not one of them. If you know me and my parenting style at all, you know I'm a fan of telling my kids the truth! Kids are so much more capable of understanding complex human relationships than we give them credit for, and I have every confidence that my child will have no doubt who his or her parents are! If it is possible, we hope there can be some kind of relationship between our family and the birth family, for our child's sake at the very least. I have had many comments saying "I could never do that" (talking about open adoption), but in my heart I want to say, "Yes you could, and you would, if that's what was best for your child!" We all want the best for our children, and if the best scenario for our child is that he or she knows and has a relationship with their birth family, and that is also a possibility, than that's what we'll strive for! Of course there are fears in every adoption situation, but fear is never what we should base our decisions on, and we won't be basing this decision on fear either!

Nowadays, it is actually the law that all adoptive families have access to non-identifying social and medical information on their child, even in the most closed adoption cases. However, it is now thought to be a much healthier situation for all parties if there is at least some openness in the adoption between the birth and adoptive families. There are many reasons for this, including allowing the child to know where they came from and the reasons behind the adoption decision, giving them someone in their lives that looks like them (something I'm sure we all take for granted), allowing the birth parents to see first hand that they made the best possible decision, and in our agency, giving the adoptive parents the opportunity to be examples of a Godly family to the birth mother. Many of the women who place their babies up for adoption aren't Christians, and their relationship with the adoptive couple might be the only exposure they have to Christianity! That's a great opportunity for us to show God's love to them!

We got to watch a few videos of interviews with birth parents and how they came to the decision of open or closed adoption. God really used it to sooth some of our fears about open adoption! For one, our instructor talked about how these birth parents are not scary people hiding in the bushes just waiting to steal their baby back. Mothers who place their child for adoption with our agency are making a sacrifice for their child because they value marriage, they value the father's role in raising a child, and they on some level value raising their child in a Godly home. People who value those things are not scary, shady people! They are just like me, honestly, and God knows I could have so easily been in their shoes years ago. I know many of us can say it is only by the grace of God that we didn't face that kind of decision at some point in our lives, but if we had, would we have wanted to be feared, or understood and accepted with grace? Watching some of these birth moms and even dads talk, my heart just totally broke for them and I so admired the decision they were making to give their child the best possible chance in life. That is love.

We learned a little more about the type of people who make adoption plans. We learned that the typical birth mother making an adoption plan is actually in her late 20's, with one or more biological children at home. The reasons for placement are widely different, and each situation is so unique. We got to take a look at the actual match book prospective birth mothers look through when choosing a family for their child, and I nearly cried flipping through it, thinking of how, if I was a birth mother, none of those couples would seem good enough for my child, and what an incredibly hard choice that would be to make.

We reviewed the three different types of adoption plans: open (meaning there is regular contact between the birth and adoptive families, visits, and some kind of relationship), semi-open (this usually takes the form of letters, emails, and sometimes phone calls, but no personal contact or relationship between families), and closed (all information is sealed and confidential except for the required medical and social history of the child's birth family). The type of adoption we will have is entirely up to the birth mother and what she wants. We are open to anything and will do our best to work out a plan that is comfortable for all of us, but best for the baby.

We talked about the adoption "Covenant" that is made between the birth and adoptive families. Basically this is a written (but not legally binding) agreement that is made before the adoption takes place, outlining the type of contact the families will have. The adoption agency helps mediate this and carry it out after the adoption is final. We were told that it is always best to promise the least we'd be willing to agree to (such as bi-monthly letters or emails) and let it grow from there if it does. We talked about how though it isn't legally binding and the adoptive parents technically have all the right in the world to completely sever contact with the birth family, as Christians we are to honor our commitments, and making a covenant with another is not something to take lightly!

We also touched on adoption laws and how they have changed and evolved over the years. I will give a run down of some of the more important laws because this is probably the topic I'm most asked about when talking about our adoption with others.

Once an adoption placement is complete, meaning the mother (and father, when applicable) has signed the official adoption papers, it is irrevocable. Let me stress this as much as I possibly can: Once an adoption in the United States is finalized, there is absolutely no chance that a mother can change her mind and get the baby back. Because this is the law and is a completely irrevocable decision on the part of the birth parents, they are not even allowed to sign these papers until the baby is at least 72 hours old. This allows the mother the chance to see, hold, and spend time with the child if she desires, before making a permanent decision to place them for adoption.

This is also another reason we chose our agency. We are confident that the birth mothers who go through CFCA get the absolute best counseling and preparation when making a decision about whether or not to parent. They are not pressured or coerced, they are counseled and prepared and given every opportunity to parent if that's their desire. Obviously, those 72 hours after the birth of what could possibly be "our" baby will be incredibly difficult for everyone. We have to completely trust the Lord that He will bring us the baby He's already planned for us, and if we are in a situation where the mother changes her mind and decides to parent before those 72 hours are up, though that will be heartbreaking for us, it is the best thing for that baby.

There were a few random facts about laws concerning adoption that I found really interesting. For one, birth grandparents have absolutely no legal rights to the child being placed for adoption, even if the birth mother is a minor. Minors are allowed to place their child for adoption without consent from her parents, and it is also the law that every effort is made to inform the birth father of the adoption plan before placing the child.

We covered a lot of other stuff, but for the sake of time and space I won't go into everything here. We learned a lot and I found it all really interesting. The next class will be covering "Grief and Infertility", and from what I hear it is always a very difficult class to get through! Like us, I'm sure the other couples have walked a very difficult path bringing them to the decision to adopt, so it should be quite interesting!

I will fill you in on our next class when I get the chance, but for now, I hope you learned a thing or two about adoption, I know I have!

Adoption Education for the Masses, Part One

I am new to this. Let's be clear on that. I have never adopted before, I hardly know anyone personally who has adopted, and every step I take is a new one. But I have learned a few things along the way so far, and since I think it would do you all a little good to learn right along with me, I thought I would share some of my newly acquired adoption wisdom.

We are expecting a baby. We are not pregnant, but we are on the road to having a baby join our family. I am slowly learning the vast difference in being pregnant with a baby, and expecting a baby through adoption. There is a difference in how people treat you, the resources available to you, the cost to bring the baby home, the wait time, the knowledge of the wait time, the expectations of what your baby will look like, act like, be like. 

In the past, whenever I got pregnant (now that, I am an expert on) I have had about twenty thousand books and limitless internet resources to show me exactly what stage of pregnancy I am in, what to expect in that stage, what my baby looks like in that stage, and what stage I will be in next week. There are discussion forums, phone apps, and websites devoted entirely to informing you about your pregnancy and the little one growing inside of you. You have a due date, and barring any complications, you can expect that your family will be Plus One on or around X day, of Y month, of Z year.

Adoption...not so much. I have no idea, NO IDEA, when we will be Plus One. I have no clue what stage my baby is in in his or her development. I don't know if he or she has even been conceived yet! I do not have books called, "What to Expect When You're Expecting Through Adoption". I don't have a phone app that sends me a cute little email every time I get a copy of something back to my caseworker or we raise enough money to complete the next step of the adoption process. Just like a pregnant mama, I am waiting for my baby to be born and handed over to me, but I cannot tell you with the slightest bit of accuracy when that will be. I am expecting, but I am clueless as to when I am expecting, how I am expecting, and who I am expecting.

I have my own ways of learning more about the adoption process, and one of those ways is by delving into the blogosphere and blogstalking every adoptive journey I possibly can. Man, there are a LOT of adoptive mommies blogging out there, and let me tell you, they know their stuff. They have ridiculous resources, advice, encouragement, knowledge, wisdom, experience, and LOVE. They can answer every question and offer research and resources better than any librarian possibly could. They've been there, their friends have been there, and they know what they're doing. Thank God, because I do NOT.

Another way I prepare myself in this process is by reading everything I can get my hands on. I read and I read and I read. I did that when I was pregnant too, except now instead of studying up on what not to eat when you're expecting and how to prepare yourself for natural childbirth (haha yeah right, I never read anything about that, but I'm sure some women do), my reading includes topics such as open adoption and inter-racial families and fundraising ideas. Just like a pregnant mom, I try my best to educate myself so I can be better prepared when issues arise. And issues always arise, no matter how you're expecting.

Another huge difference I have noticed between expecting through pregnancy and expecting through adoption are the comments. If you have ever been pregnant, I'm sure you have some doozies of your own to report, and let me tell you, being pregnant with the twins brought out some of the most ridiculous comments from people's mouths that I still shake my head at. Below is a video I personally love to send other mommies of twins because they have inevitably seen the dumbest side of humanity just like I have when pregnant or out and about with their multiples. It has nothing to do with this post other than it just goes to show you how people say things without thinking, and think things without knowing, and how a bit of restraint and education can go a long way when talking to others about their children (adopted or not).




Wasn't that fun? If I had a penny for every time someone told me I was "done" since I had a boy and a girl in one sha-bam, I would have enough money to fund this adoption. But I digress.

In following some other hopeful and successful adoptive mommies' blogs, I had read some of the things people might say about your adoption when the topic came up, and I am trying my best to prepare myself in the event that one of those things is said to me in the future. I think naivety is the root of careless comments, and that's why, before we get too far into this process, I thought it would be good to share some of the things you shouldn't say to an adoptive family. I imagine that this will be Part One in a series of many on this topic, but that's fine! I am learning right long with you all, and promise to share my wisdom as I acquire it. ;)

Disclaimer: I have said some of these things myself, so I in no way judge you if you have too, but now that you know what is hurtful or careless, you can no longer play the ignorance card, and neither can I.

Do not refer to the potential birth mother as the "real mom" or my kids as my "real kids". When we do finally add a baby to our family through adoption, I will be the mom, birth mom will be the birth mom, and they will all be my real kids.

The decision to surrender a child for adoption is absolutely heart-wrenching, difficult beyond imagination, and the most selfless act a mother can commit for her child if she feels she cannot raise that child the way he or she needs to be raised. They did not "give their baby away" and they didn't surrender because they "just didn't want the baby". I never, ever want my child to hear anyone say he or she was not wanted. In case you haven't noticed, getting an abortion is as simple as going to the dentist these days. This woman could have made a very different decision, and didn't. She chose to carry this baby to term despite the consequences, judgement, and heartache it caused her and her family. She then chose to give that child their best possible chance, even though it went against every fiber in her being. She LOVED that child, and therefore made a choice to surrender them for adoption. Respect those mothers, love those mothers, appreciate their sacrifice, and pray for their strength, but do not judge them, and if you do, don't ever let me hear you do it.

When first finding out about someone's adoption, don't let the first words out of your mouth be negative ones. Immediately saying things like, "Aren't you afraid you won't love the baby as much as your biological kids?" or "I know someone who took the baby home with them and then the mother wanted her back!" Trust me, adoptive parents have thought through each possible scenario, even the awful ones. We have done our research, we are aware of the risks, we have heard the horror stories, and we are choosing it anyway. If your friend or family member told you, "Guess what!? I'm pregnant!" Would you immediately say, "Congratulations! But what if you have a miscarriage? I know three women who have had miscarriages." I truly hope not, because if you would, you are a crappy friend. And also not that bright.

We would never say this to a pregnant woman because we assume she knows about the risk of miscarriage and certainly doesn't need it to be shoved in her face when she is already worried about a million other things, including losing the baby. Adoptive mommies are no different. We do not live in a bubble, and yes, we have actually heard of failed adoptions and are not blind to the fact that it is a possibility. Certain questions are definitely valid! But negativity straight out of the gate is uncalled for, and be sure to interject some encouraging words along the way!

Adoption Education Nugget: Birth mothers are required to wait 72 hours after giving birth (and must be off all drugs for this amount of time) before they can sign papers relinquishing their child. Once it is done, it is done. There is no turning back, there is no changing your mind. That child's adoptive parents have all rights and responsibilities for that child from there on out, forever. This is one of the many reasons Josh and I chose the agency that we did. They really do their due diligence to make absolutely sure that these birth mothers cannot and do not want to parent prior to signing anything. The mothers are counseled through the process, and that is where part of our fees go. If a mother chooses to parent, that is the best situation for that child. Josh and I do not want to adopt a child who could have and should have been parented by their birth family. If a mother changes her mind in those 72 hours, after we've brought baby home, it would be heartbreaking for us. But we do not want to separate a child from a mother who wants to and has the resources to raise them. Josh and I have dealt with staggering loss. We are not naive to the possibilities of loss in adoption just like we can no longer close our eyes to the possibility of losing a pregnancy. It happens, it is heartbreaking, and we are aware of it. There is no need to remind us.

As you may have guessed from some of the things I've said in previous posts, Josh and I are open to adopting a child of a different race. We are also open to adopting a child with various health issues and backgrounds and genetic pre-dispositions. This was not an easy decision, mostly because we don't know anything about being a multi-racial family or raising a child with health issues. We are very uneducated about it, but are doing our best not to be. When we were filling out our "Child Deisred Form" for the adoption agency, it was one of the hardest things we have ever had to do. We would look at the list and think, am I not checking that box because I'm afraid, or because I know that we would not be the best fit for that child?

The form I'm talking about is a lot like ordering a sandwich at Which Wich, if you've ever been there. If you haven't, it is a sandwich shop that has bags with various sandwich options, and you use these red markers to check each box of the things you want. This form had a million different options for children and their backgrounds, and Josh and I had to go through each one item by item and check the boxes we'd be comfortable with getting a phone call about. I will not go into detail on these options because I think it is a private decision between me and Josh, but I will disclose that we did choose "Any Race". Again, not a decision we came to lightly, but one we feel good about. We do not want to limit God and close the door on the child He has for us because we are scared of a new situation. What we need you to understand is this; We did not come to this decision lightly, we made it, and we need you to support it.

Ask questions. Don't be shy! If you don't know, ask! We are learning too, and we love fielding questions from people who want to be involved and learn more about the process. And a little nugget of advice from my friend Dwight Schrute:

 "Before I do anything, I ask myself, would an idiot do this? If the answer is yes, then I do not do that thing."

Same goes for talking to adoptive families. Ask, encourage, pray, but tread lightly. Be thoughtful of the words you use and sensitive of the things you say. Just as you would be sensitive to a pregnant mother as not to upset her, be sensitive to the expectant adoptive mother (and father), as you might upset her too. We are in an emotionally fragile state just like other expectant parents. There are worries, fears, unknowns, and a lot of waiting. Encouragement goes a long, long way.

So that will end my lecture for today! I hope you learned something, just as I do every time I read an entry similar to this on another blog. Josh and I know we have a lot more to learn and will have patience as our friends and family do the same. We are all in this together and we do not expect everyone to be completely educated on the topic of adoption. We do, however, hope you get educated. Keep reading this blog, keep asking us questions (we might not know the answer but we'll find it!), keep praying, and keep supporting us just as you have done from the start.

Our families love our children harder than any family loves any child anywhere on this earth, and I have every confidence that this baby, no matter who they are, will be loved just as hard. It might take actually seeing the baby and holding them to fall head over heels in love, but this will be one very, very lucky baby. Our children can't comprehend bringing a baby home after one surprise phone call and suddenly having a new sibling. Our mothers do not have the inside advantage of watching my belly grow and falling in love with fuzzy ultrasound pictures. Our fathers have a hard enough time imagining a new grand baby when I'm pregnant, let alone when we are adopting. Our brothers and sisters can't imagine loving a new niece or nephew as much as they love Jake and Eisley, because how does that much love exist? Our friends have never experienced adoption first-hand and aren't sure of the right things to say or how and when to say it. But when that baby finally arrives, when they lay eyes on him or her, no matter who that child is, there will be a ridiculous amount of love added to this world. We have felt the support from them, know they back us 100%, and know they are in prayer for us every day. And though this adoption process is so very different than expecting a baby through pregnancy, one thing remains the same: This. Child. Will. Be. Loved. LOVED. No matter how they get here, when they get here, what they look like, or who they are.

And I can't wait.