Jones Nathaniel

I'm on my cell phone so this post will be short and sweet, and lacking in pictures unfortunately! But I felt bad waiting one more minute to announce the long awaited arrival of our son, Jones Nathaniel Harrison!!!

Jones (or Jonesy as we just can't help calling him!) was born on Wednesday, April 3rd, at 2:51 p.m. He weighed a hefty but adorable 9 lbs, 7 oz and a loooong 22.5 inches! Tall like his daddy!

I had an absolutely perfect birth experience, and quite frankly loved my c-section! Call me crazy but I found the whole thing kind of awesome. I am of course struggling with the pain of recovering from major surgery, but the actual birth experience was pretty exciting and very surreal! :)

Jake and Eisley are over the moon, and love their little brother just as much as I knew they would. There is nothing like it in the world, watching them dote on Jonesy and coo and kiss him! I nearly die of pure joy when I see them giggle over him and marvel over his tiny features!

I am so incredibly blessed to be able to nurse Jones exclusively, which means God has built in constant mommy-baby time! It is a challenge of course, but I am truly and honestly loving the whole experience. The lack of sleep has been rough though! Jones is thriving and we are expected to head home this afternoon!

I've had a few struggles with the pain and recovery of the surgery so far, but that's to be expected. I imagine it will continue to have its ups and downs over the next few weeks, so I'd appreciate your prayers for fast healing for me!

I promise to overwhelm you with pictures of our little man very soon, but for now this is the best I can do! We are so thankful to our gracious Lord for this precious gift, which is the full meaning of our son's name! Stay tuned for pictures!!

Dear Lord

Dear Lord,

Do you remember when I first started asking you to bless us with a new baby? Of course you do. Jake and Eisley were three. They had gotten so independent, becoming less and less needy of their mommy. I had begun to get that "itch". That baby itch. I knew some of my friends would be trying to have their first baby soon, so maybe this time I wouldn't be going through it all alone like I was with the twins!

Josh and I had begun to talk about it. Wondering if it would be a good time, thinking if we were going to do it, we should do it before the age gap got too big (little did we know that "gap" would grow another four years!). We talked about how weird it would be to "try" and get pregnant, when we had tried for years to not! When the babies were, well, babies, I remember thinking I could never purposely get pregnant again. They were so much work. They had put such a strain on us and our marriage. I was perfectly content with two. Until I wasn't...

Somewhere down the line, you put that desire back in my heart. Most people think having a boy and a girl, twins no less, is "perfect." That we had hit the jackpot (and we had!) getting a boy and a girl in one shabam. I was asked all the time if one or both of us were going to "get fixed". Friends, family, even strangers would ask me that. My answer was always, "I'm 22 years old. I have a feeling God might not want me to close that door with 20 good years left of fertility."

I had times I didn't want any more children, but I could never have gone through with doing anything permanent. I knew I wanted to leave that door open. And when the kids were three, I was so glad I did!

But, then, everything changed. My life was turned upside down and inside out as I watched my marriage crumble to the ground. It was nothing I saw coming. It destroyed me. It destroyed Josh. It absolutely destroyed our marriage. And after that, planning for another child seemed like a memory from another life.

What was that like for you? Knowing, before I knew, what was about to come to the light? How was it for you to listen to my heart, knowing I wanted another baby, and knowing it would be years of struggles and heartbreak before you could give it to me? Did you weep with me? Did you dread the day when it would come to my knowledge as well? Did you hope beyond hope that I would choose the path you desired after it all, that Josh and I would choose to reconcile and allow you to rebuild? Did you worry about what would happen if we didn't? Do you worry about things, or is that the opposite of being omniscient? Someday I would love to ask you that.

I am so thankful you are in the business of rebuilding. You are an architect like no other. You can create magnificence from pure ashes. Ashes. When I think of ashes, in my mind I have the picture of chalky grains of soft sand running through my fingers, blowing away in the breeze. Blowing away all that was left of my marriage, of my relationship with Josh, of our plans for the future, of our hopes and dreams for Jake and Eisley, of our relationship with you. There was nothing left. Just ashes.

Isaiah tells us that you are a God who gives us beauty for ashes, joy for mourning, a garment of praise for a spirit of heaviness. (Isaiah 61:3). I had heard that verse a hundred times growing up, but it wasn't until these past few years of my adult life did you prove that to me over and over again. So much so that I tattooed it on my wrist as a reminder. Not that I need a physical reminder. All I have to do is look up. Look up and see how you restored my marriage, how you didn't just renovate it, you burned it down into pure ashes and rebuilt it from the ground up. When was the last time I thanked you for that miracle? Thank you.

And it was a miracle. Josh and I had to completely start over, start anew and begin again. And we did. When we renewed our vows, Jake and Eisley were then four years old. And this time, we were not only making a promise to you, we were making a promise to them. And no offense, but promising your children you will stay together forever seemed even bigger than promising it to you.

And then, there is was again. That heart tugging. My desire for another baby didn't vanish, it had just been sleeping for awhile while my life was getting straightened out again. Josh and I talked about how it would be such a blessing for us to bring another child into this marriage, into this family. Because we felt it was a completely different marriage and family than the ones we were planning to bring it into a year before. And we decided together we wanted to try.

I wonder sometimes, if that's when you cried. When you realized that we were asking for another baby, and you saw us start on that path, and you could see where it led us, years out, and you saw how much we would be hurt, how much would be asked of us...did you cry then? I would have. If I knew Jake or Eisley was beginning on a path that would bring them joy and pain, a lot of pain, I would cry. I would rejoice that they were choosing the right path, but it would still be so incredibly hard for me to watch.

Before we even got pregnant, we said if it was a girl, we would name her Gracie. We were so very thankful for the grace you had shown us that past year. We wanted to honor you with that. And when you gave us Gracie, knowing we'd never meet her or even know for sure if she was a girl, we were so happy. So thankful. And when it was time, you took her home. And that's when we experienced you as the Great Comforter. We had never known pain like that. I had known worse pain, sharper pain, different pain, but never pain quite like that.

But there you were, holding us so very tight. And we didn't feel alone. We struggled with anger, and fear, and sadness, and feeling like it was so unfair. I can't imagine how hard it would be to watch your children struggle like that. I fight not to jump in when Jake can't sound out a word right away. I hate watching him struggle. That must have been unbearable for you.

But we grew. We grew together as husband and wife, and we grew as parents, and we grew closer to you. And perhaps that was your desire all along.

Six months later, I finally felt healed enough to feel that desire again. It had been blocked away by boulders of grief over my miscarriage, but it was still there. And as you pulled away each stone, one by one, the desire came back again.

You blessed us with another baby, and you didn't have to. I have to believe there was a reason you did, why you created a special, beautiful little girl to live inside me for 20 weeks. I have to believe that you loved her as much as we did, more so, and that you knew we would be the perfect family for her. I have to believe you had a purpose in it.

Did you rejoice with us when we got further and further along, our fear shrinking with each day? Or did you know what was coming, and hold your breath? I have come to believe that you created our Lily knowing the exact number of days you would be giving her life, and to you, her number of days was no more tragic than someone you give years and years of days to. You knew what her purpose was, and you knew she needed just that number of days to accomplish it. But I also know that you know us, and you know how the humans you created and love find such a short amount of days to be tragic and heartbreaking, and you knew Josh and I would be tragically heartbroken when Lily's days were up. And I'm sure that broke your heart as well.

Thank you for giving her to us, even for just a short time. We wouldn't trade it for anything. And maybe that's why you chose us to be her parents.

I know how you saw my heart harden after Lily died. Not in every way, but in certain ways. Maybe harden isn't the right word...toughen? Strengthen? I'm not sure. But it changed. I still desired another child. Josh did too. But we were forever changed. We could not take for granted that what we wanted was what you wanted.

I can only venture to guess why we tried once more and we lost one more baby to miscarriage so early. My guess is that it was the straw that broke the camel's back for us, the one thing that would turn us towards adoption. Had we had a successful pregnancy, I don't think we ever would have started that adoption path. But that did it for us. As you know, we didn't grieve much for that pregnancy, if at all. We were so...jaded. We just had no grief left for a pregnancy we barely had the chance to accept. But Lord, please know, that I know it was another one of my children, and I look forward so much to meeting them one day!

I remember how very quickly we dived into the world of adoption. How you led us so clearly, step by step. How you continued to open door after door after door, leading us through them confidently. What were you leading us to, Lord? Who were you leading us to? As the months of this pregnancy has gone by, I have wondered. I have wondered why we were rushed down that path so quickly, so easily, only to have it halt at the very end. But then...I have wondered. I have wondered if it didn't end at all. I have wondered if you were quickly leading us to Ember Rose. If she was the goal. If she was the one and only reason you hurried us down the road...to be there just in time for her.

Why did we feel led to say yes to this mother, knowing her situation and risks to the baby? Why did you open that door and nudge us through, knowing it would end with another goodbye? Was it because you knew? You knew this baby, this child, would have been alone? Completely and utterly alone, had we said no. Lord, you know we did our best to show Ember's mother your love. We did all we could to be an example of unconditional love to that mother and her baby. I hope we did okay. I really do.

We loved that baby girl. We would have taken her home in a heartbeat, if that's what you wanted. You know that to be true. I cherish those hours and hours of snuggling her, of bathing her, of dressing her in pretty clothes and hair bows, of combing that gorgeous hair, of staring into those blank eyes. We loved her, and we would have loved her as our own daughter. But you knew.

You knew she had a short number of days as well. You knew we weren't her parents, but we were put there to be her caretakers. The ones who would make sure she was loved and doted on until she moved on in her life. And we did the best we could. And our hearts broke, again, if that's at all possible.

Sometimes I wish I knew where Ember is now. I know she was blessed with an adoptive family, somewhere out of state. That's the most I'll ever know. I don't know if she is here on earth or perfectly whole again in your arms as I write this. I wish I knew. But I don't have to know. We have total peace that we made the only decision we could make, and total peace that you took perfect care of her once we released her from our arms.

And even then, even in the midst of letting go of Ember, you had blessed us again. Even though I was not able to accept it for some time, even as I rocked Ember to sleep in that NICU, a baby grew within me. One you had put there despite our wishes, despite our "plans." And I have to believe you knew what you were doing.

Here I sit. Nine months later. That tiny baby has grown into a beautiful, healthy, wiggling, rolling child ready to burst out at any moment. I am enjoying my very last moments with him or her inside of me, directly under my heart. You have brought me so far. When I rocked Ember to sleep, I remember telling you, "I don't want to talk about it." And you knew. You knew I'd need time to accept this baby, to grow in love with it, to allow my perfect love for this baby to drive out all of the fears crowding my heart.

And I did! I have grown to love this child so much. So very much. So much so, that what I feared would happen back when I was rocking Ember to sleep, what I promised myself I would never let happen again, has happened. My heart has become so intertwined with this baby, that losing it will rip it to shreds once again. I tried. You know I did. I rejected each attachment of each string. I turned my head. I closed my eyes. But one day, I woke up, and there it was. The realization that millions of tiny strings had formed from my heart to this child. And there was nothing I could do about it.

So I enjoyed it as much as I possibly could with my wounded heart, such as it is. I hope you will reassure this child throughout its life how very, very much I love them. I hope they never doubt it. Please Lord, make sure they know their story, the full story, not just the beginning. The story of how we prayed for years that God would bless us with a child, and how you took years to prepare our hearts for this child.

We are only hours away from laying eyes on this gift. I think you know how excited I am. You also know how absolutely stone cold terrified I am. You have heard my cries, my doubts. What if this baby can't make it til tomorrow? What if something goes terribly wrong? What if the baby dies? What if I die? What if Eisley's heart is broken again? What if Jake cannot recover from another blow to his sensitive little heart? What if...what if...what if...

Thank you for listening to that. I'm sure it gets very frustrating for you. Especially since you have tried to teach me time and time again that you are in control. That nothing happens without your say so, and if you say so, I trust that to be the best thing.

Thank you. Thank you for Jake and Eisley. Thank you for Josh. Thank you for the countless family and friends who have continued to love on us and support us throughout this entire process. I ask that tomorrow will be filled with joy, but Lord, if it isn't, I ask that it will still be filled with You.

I cannot wait to lay eyes on the child you've known we would be given years ago, when we first started on this path. I cannot wait to tell them of all we've been through to get to them! I cannot wait to feel your tears of joy right along mine, after all the tears of sorrow we have cried together.  Please, Lord, show us how we can honor you with this little one. With this gift you've given us. A gift you didn't have to give at all.

Amen

39 Weeks and our Easter Lily

Well, I was secretly hoping for a little Easter bunny, but apparently this baby doesn't want to share his or her birthday. ;) That's okay though, because we got to enjoy a beautiful Easter weekend with our family. Saturday night, we had such a nice dinner at my parent's house with my brother and sister and their spouses, and Jake and Eisley got to do an egg hunt which they loved! On Sunday we went to church as a family and then enjoyed the annual Harrison Easter Bash at Josh's parents! That is always so much fun! The kids have a blast getting in their first swim of the season! We played some yard games and had a huge egg hunt and enjoyed the yummy food and weather. We very much missed Mike and Nicole as they are living in Thailand right now! It wasn't the same without them there! But we sent lots of pics and videos. :)

Here is a picture of our little family at church on Sunday. Last family pic before baby makes five!

As we try to do on every holiday, we made a trip out to the cemetery where Lily is buried. My mom had put together a beautiful flower arrangement with sweet little Easter eggs in it, so we wanted to put that over her stone and spend some time there praying and thanking the Lord that because of what Easter means to us, we will hold Lily again one day.

We sang a song in church that morning that really spoke to my heart as a mommy who's lost little ones.The song is called "Because He Lives," and if you've ever been to church on an Easter Sunday morning, chances are you've heard it. :)  It is an old song, I remember singing it in my very "old school" Baptist church my grandfather founded. (Like, we sang it straight out of a hymn book and everything...) ;) It's been redone by a few different bands, but the words remain the same. If you haven't heard it, I will put the lyrics below.

God sent His Son,

They called Him Jesus

He came to love, heal and forgive

He lived and died to buy my pardon

An empty grave is there to prove my Savior lives

Because He lives I can face tomorrow

Because He lives, all fear is gone

Because I know He holds the future 

And life is worth the living

Just because He lives

How sweet to hold a newborn baby
And feel the pride and joy he gives
But greater still the calm assurance
This child can face uncertain days because He lives

And then one day

I'll cross that river

I'll fight life's final war with pain

And then as death gives way to victory

I'll see the lights of glory, and I'll know He lives

To me, as someone who has not only royally messed up in her life countless times, but also has had some trouble facing tomorrow after I've had todays that are nearly unbearable, this song is such a beautiful reminder to me. God sent His Son, who lived and died to buy my pardon, for all of those countless royal mess ups in my life. And because of that, because I know Who holds the future, because I know my Savior lives, I can face my tomorrows, even after the most horrendous todays. Because He lives...I am capable of so much more than I would be if I did not have that promise, that hope, that someday, death gives way to victory, and we win. I will win. I will win an eternity with the babies that I lost a lifetime with here. Because of how very much my Savior loves me, I know that life is worth the living, even amongst the pain.

This is the song I was singing in my head when we spent some time at Lily's grave yesterday. To clear something up quickly, we don't visit her grave because we believe she is there and she might "feel lonely" if we don't go. We know she's not there. But the marker that honors her life and her memory is there, and that's what we go visit. We know that we buried her tiny body under that marker, in a beautiful wooden casket that my dad made for her. We know that's where her body is, but we know she isn't there. We don't visit that grave for her, we visit it for us. We go so that we have special, set aside moments where we can sit together as a family and reflect on her life and death. To remember what God has done through her very short existence. We think about what life might be like if she hadn't died, and there were no graves to go visit on Easter.

We pray with the kids and talk to God about our babies in Heaven. We ask Him to kiss them for us. We thank Him that Lily isn't in any pain, and that she never knew anything but love, never hurt or sorrow. We talk to the kids about why it is important to remember Lily, and not just move on as if she was never born. How God gave her to us purposely, not accidentally, and how God took her back purposely. That God had a purpose in it, and we need to honor that. We need to make sure we pay attention to opportunities where Lily might come up in conversation and be used to comfort another in pain. How God might have other plans for her short life that we have yet to discover.

Josh and I take some time and sit near her grave and just think. Think and pray. I don't know what Josh does during his time. Usually I just think about that day, the day she was born, how it was beautiful and horrifying all at once. How it changed me forever. This time I thought about how far we have come, that I am about to give birth and put my heart on the line once again for a child we desire so much. I thought about how good God has been to bless us with another baby after all we've been through.  And I thought about how we'd fit another tiny grave next to Lily's, if something goes terribly wrong this week. I asked the Lord to give Lily extra snuggles today, if He could pry her from my grandmother's grip. ;) And I blew her a kiss I knew she wouldn't see, but it made me feel better.

Josh usually just sits for a minute. I don't know what He thinks about. I'm not sure what goes through his daddy heart during that time. I just watch him, and hurt for him. I hurt that he carries his grief all by himself most of the time. He'll share it with me sometimes, but that's the extent of it. He doesn't have the support system I've accumulated after our losses. I'm free to talk or text through my pain to my close friends, or even blog through it! He doesn't have that support with his friends as much as I wish he did! But thankfully he has a shoulder to lean on in the Lord, and I'm so thankful for that.

Anyways, I just wanted to share a little about our Easter. Even though we have an incredible blessing coming up this week, we never forget what we lost to get here. We think about our losses even more the closer we get to being blessed with this baby. We appreciate it more, and we fear it more. We're so very excited, but also so very nervous. The last time I was wheeled into that same hospital to deliver my baby, I was wheeled out without her. You don't shake those feelings, ever.

But we are so hopeful that this experience will be nothing but dripping with joy! We're praying for that! And it won't be long now!

Here is the very last weekly preggo picture at 39 weeks! I might have Josh take one more just before they wheel me back, but for now, this is the end of it!

Me and the kiddo in our last week together!

So that is what almost ten months pregnant looks like! Attractive isn't it? ;) That's okay, we've had a grand ol' time together. :) I will miss so many things about pregnancy, but there are a few small things I won't miss! The baby has gotten so strong that its kicks and rolls now feel like inner assaults. They make me cry out randomly and give Josh the creeps when he feels them. I am able to play this game with the baby now where it kicks me with its giant foot, I can grab it and move it over, and then the baby moves its foot back where it was. I grab it and move it to a different spot, and it kicks back and moves it back to where it was. That's a true story, I would video it for you but Josh would probably say that's creepy. ;)

Tomorrow will be a big day! I have a lot of cleaning and packing to do! Then Josh and I are taking the kids out for a late "Last Supper" if you will, as a family of four. We are going to stay up late and talk and play games and have some fun. Then we all plan to sleep in on Wednesday and wake up feeling refreshed and ready to face a HUGE day!!!

If you think of us, we'd appreciate your prayers for the safe arrival of this baby! For calm nerves, not only for me and Josh, but for the kids as well as our parents and siblings. We are praying for a wonderful hospital experience and great support while we are there. And that God will once again use the birth of this baby as a way to bring Josh and me so much closer together. There is something about going through that with your spouse that makes you fall in love with them all over again. Probably because you are both falling in love with the brand new person you just created!

Thank you so much for following us this far. We can't wait to finally have some joyous news to share!!! Stay tuned!!!

Karen

Change in Plans

Well, still no baby! But we do have some updates so I will share those! Yesterday I had a growth scan ultrasound. The baby was so big she couldn't even fit its whole head on one screen! It is definitely going to be a chunky monkey, but more to love! ;) They officially estimated the baby to be 10 lbs, 2 oz. Holy Fat Baby Batman.

Now, these ultrasounds are notoriously inaccurate, and even when I was pregnant with the twins, they told me at 37 weeks that both kiddos were over eight pounds. One week later, I gave birth to two 7 lb, 1 oz babies. So mistakes happen! But, when my doctor took a look at the scan and gave me an exam to feel the baby and get an idea of how big it really is, she felt confident we are looking at a pretty large kiddo. Because of that, she does not feel comfortable letting me deliver naturally. I was completely blind sided when she told me I'd need to have a c-section, as I just expected her to induce me sooner. She said at this point, she wants baby to get past 39 weeks if possible for the health of the baby, and does not feel it is worth the risk to try and deliver such a big kiddo vaginally.

I started bawling in the office! I have never had a c-section, as the twins were born without one. I couldn't believe I was facing major surgery with just one baby when I'd done just fine delivering two! I think the combination of being blind sided by the news and all these lovely pregnancy hormones contributed to my little breakdown. ;)

The doctor talked to me about how if I felt really strongly, really really strongly, she'd let me attempt a vaginal delivery. But then she spent 20 minutes explaining her fears about delivering a baby so big. Jake and Eisley were only seven pounds, and they had to be sucked out with a vacuum after 23 hours of labor, so she worried that a ten pound baby just would not fit. She talked about the risks of shoulder dystocia, how that could mean all kinds of things for the baby from having to break its collar bone to get it out all the way to brain damage and stillbirth. Well of course that got me right there. How can I listen to my doctor tell me I'd be risking losing my perfectly healthy baby to stillbirth just because I didn't want to have a c-section?

She told me she'd support me in whatever I decided, but that she was absolutely uncomfortable letting me try a natural delivery and every other doctor in the practice wouldn't even consider it. I cried for awhile, then told her to do what she thought was best. She is so wonderful and understanding and was super gentle with me, which I really appreciate! She also said if the baby came out much smaller she'd smack someone, but wouldn't feel that bad because I'd finally be holding my healthy baby, which is the end goal we've been trying to achieve for years. I doubt I will care much how we achieved it! If I've learned anything the past few years, it is you have to be willing to roll with the punches. Things can change so much so suddenly, and while it is perfectly okay to take a minute to feel that whiplash and get your head straight again, there's just no sense in dwelling on things you cannot change. This is a blip on our radar in the grand scheme of things.

When I called my sister right after my appointment, I could barely talk through my sobs. I was so upset. When I talked to Josh a few hours later, he reminded me that we could have gotten much, much worse news, and this wasn't anything to sob about. He's completely right, and after taking a bit to let it sink in, I actually feel pretty good about it.

So, c-section it is! We scheduled it for next Wednesday afternoon, which means we are, at most, only one week away from meeting this sweet baby! I'm so excited, and just praying God helps me get through these last few days! I am not in a rush to not be pregnant anymore, but I am so ready to hold my healthy pumpkin!

We would appreciate your prayers so much! I am nervous about the recovery of major surgery and three kids at home, but that's nothing compared to the worries I have about making it through this next week. I can't tell you how the hours crawl by and each one is filled with thoughts of "Can I get this baby to next Wednesday alive?" I worry that something will go terribly wrong between here and there. I worry that one more week is too long for this baby to be trapped inside me, when I feel like I am not a safe place for the baby to be. That might make no sense to most of you, but that's how I feel.

At the same time, I want to enjoy these last days of feeling the kicks and rolls of this baby! It is nothing short of a miracle, and I completely appreciate that. I know I will miss it terribly. I will miss taking long naps and not being anyone's milk machine too! Jake and Eisley and I have some fun things planned for the next few days, so I'm sure they will go by fast!

So that's our update as of now! I will come back to post one last pregnancy shot at 39 weeks! And then it will be baby time! Yay! Eisley told me today that she can't stand to wait one more minute not knowing if it is a boy or a girl. I'm with her. What a great reward that will be after waiting so long to find out! We're super excited. :)

Thanks so much for your prayers and encouraging words! It won't be long now!!!

38 Weeks and the Scars I Carry

Well it's official! I have never been pregnant this long! ;) I had the twins at 38 weeks and a few hours, and today this baby has made it all the way to 38 weeks and a day (or two, depending on how late I post this...). It is so surreal to know this baby is as big or bigger than Jake and Eisley were at birth. I remember holding both of them in my arms and thinking it was incredible that they had both been inside me just hours before, and here they were, full on babies in my arms! I can't wait to do the same with this one!

I have been told that this baby is quite large considering how far along I am, and that my dates might be off, but here I sit, still pregnant, so time will tell! I have a growth scan on Tuesday that will give us a better idea of just how chunky this monkey is, and the doctor will decide from there if maybe it would be better to take baby out sooner rather than later.

I am definitely feeling pretty uncomfortable. I feel like this baby is trying to bust loose but is trying to do so by punching right out of my abdomen. He or she has quite a kick these days! At the same time, I took a loooong nap today and thanked God that I could lie down and know I could just sleep until I woke up, not until a hungry baby demanded my time, so I enjoyed it very much. :)

Josh heads back to work Monday, and I don't know who is more upset about it. We have enjoyed having him home so much! We were hoping the baby would come at some point during his vacation, but baby obviously wasn't ready yet! So now Josh is looking at missing some work, which he's not thrilled about, but we'll make it work. The kids are on Spring Break this next week, and we have some fun things planned together! I want to spend some quality time with my munchkins before their world gets rocked by a new baby, so I'm thankful for this time as well.

As promised, here is me and the kiddo at 38 weeks. Not much more room to grow!!!

The shirts I once wore to hide my pregnancy are now the only ones that fit haha! But that's okay, it can't be too much longer now! 

I don't have any new baby pictures to share, as this kiddo has decided to be a good baby and go head down and face towards my spine just like it's supposed to for delivery! But that means ultrasound pictures are out of the question unless I want a nice shot of baby's bootie, which I do not, because we still want to be surprised about the sex! I have had quite a few people accuse me of knowing what we are having and keeping it a secret, and I hereby declare with Scout's Honor that we DO NOT! I promise! We will be just as surprised as all of you! I was so excited to finally get the little baby hats in the mail that I ordered a month ago, one for a boy and one for a girl, with their names embroidered on them. They are adorable!

I am absolutely gripped with fear now and then that something will still go wrong. Most days I'm fine, but there are moments that just make me crumble on the inside, worrying that we've come this far only to have to deal with some tragedy I can't even conjure up. I have been watching old ER reruns to pass the time while I lay in bed like the beached whale I feel like, and last night there was an episode on that I knew I shouldn't watch, but did anyway. Do you ER fans remember the episode where Dr. Greene gets in over his head delivering a baby in the ER? Pretty much everything that could go wrong did go wrong. Misdiagnosed Eclampsia, placental abruption, shoulder dystocia, a botched c-section, and the list goes on. It was horrible! I sat there wide eyed realizing that the poor mother was 38 weeks pregnant, just like me, and everything was perfect right up until the point when it wasn't. She died, and the baby barely made it out alive. Yes, I realize this is a fictional story, but it could happen to anyone. It happens every day, and when you are as seasoned as I am in things that can and do go wrong, you can't help but worry. 

So I didn't sleep great last night. I should never have watched that episode, but at the same time it started a great conversation between me and the Lord. I told Him I was scared to pieces of things going wrong, and He reminded me that nothing will happen without His permission, and He will not allow anything that He can't later use to totally glorify Him. Even if I die from a botched c-section. Which I really hope doesn't happen. ;) 

Moving right along, I was totally blessed to get to attend a Beth Moore conference this weekend! I had planned to go a few months ago, then realized I'd either be home with a newborn or too pregnant to sit for hours in fold up arena seats, so I decided not to. Well the other day I realized I was not home with a newborn and it might not be the worst thing if the uncomfortable seating put me into labor, plus my awesome friend was able to get me a last minute ticket! 

Me, Heather, and Rachel at the Beth Moore Conference

For those of you who haven't heard of Beth Moore or ever had the opportunity to hear her speak or do one of her Bible studies, you should really do something about that. God has totally gifted her with the ability to speak directly into the souls of hurting women, to translate God's word into something that is so relatable in our every day lives. She is incredibly charismatic and her way of teaching cracks me up at times, which is not easy to do! I just love hearing her speak and watching her love for the Lord ooze from her very pores. I have never walked away from a study of hers without being radically marked by what God has taught me through it. I told my friends that I want to be Beth Moore when I grow up. My dream is to write books that women can relate to and speak to them in a way that turns them right to the Lord. Maybe someday!

The topic of her conference this year was "Marked". I'm sure every woman there got something different from it, but I will share what I gleaned from the whole thing. Beth had us delve into Scripture, finding examples of times when God has used "marks" to protect His people, to show others they belong to Him. She talked about how marks, or scars, can outwardly show the world who exactly we belong to, what we've been through, how we have healed from the wounds we've received. She spoke about how every one of us bears inward scars. These scars have permanently marked us, in a way that is usually visible to others. One of her "homework" assignments on Friday night was to write down what has scarred us the most in our adult life. When I told Josh, he said, "Well too bad you won't be able to think of anything." ;)

I obviously carry a lot of scars. Each time I have been hurt, each time God has allowed something in my life that cut me deep into my soul, wounded me severely, it left a mark that changed me forever. Beth talked about how it is up to us whether we allow the Lord to heal those wounds, and turn those scars into the signature of Christ. I definitely did some soul searching, thinking about if my scars bore the name of Jesus, or if they were simply jagged scars on my testimony that people wondered about. When people look at my scars, what do they see? Is it obvious that Jesus has healed them, has left His mark where those wounds once were? Are any of my wounds still left unhealed? 

Oddly enough, while eating dinner with my friends before the conference started, before we had any idea what the topic would be, I was telling Heather and Rachel how much the scar on my chest still bothers me. I have this two inch scar just below my right collar bone from having my port removed awhile back. If you know me, I'm sure you've either wondered about it or asked me about it. It never healed properly, keloiding and becoming incredibly ugly and painful. I was telling them how much it bothered me, how I wake up sometimes because it's throbbing, how if anyone touches it, even if my clothing rubs against it or the seat belt touches it, it feels like an exposed nerve has been hit. I've talked to my doctor about it and he assured me he could try to fix it by cutting it out and leaving me with a new scar that would hopefully heal properly. I can't do that until I'm not pregnant anymore, but I have every intention of trying it. While I'm not thrilled at the idea of being cut open once again and going through the pain of that procedure, I can't imagine going through the rest of my life with a scar that is more like a wound, continually causing me trouble, one others look at and say, "Ouch, that must really hurt!". 

I thought about my port scar a lot when I was listening to Beth talk. I asked God if any of my inside scars hadn't healed properly. I really thought about the things that have marked me in my life...betrayal, rejection, unspeakable loss...did those wounds heal properly? Were any of them still keeping me up at night, eating away at me? Did they heal, leaving the signature of Christ that others could look at and marvel at how the Lord left a beautiful mark that tells the story of His redemption, or did they heal only partially, leaving a scar that was still sensitive, ugly, and painful to the touch? Were there any areas of my life that I need God to go back and cut out so that He can leave a new mark, one that will heal completely, one that I can touch without wincing in pain, one that won't wake me up at night in tears?

There was another point that Beth made that really stuck out to me. She told the story of her father-in-law and how he has some sort of tube in his chest or abdomen that improves his quality of life. She didn't go into details, but she said he has a nurse that comes out every week to give him wound care. She changes the dressing, applies ointment, keeps it clean and fresh. Beth asked us if there were any of us that had wounds we are still nursing. Wounds that should have been long time healed, but ones we continually seek attention for, asking others to help dress and clean. Are there wounds we simply aren't allowing to heal? Do we walk around to our friends, knowing our wounds are far deeper than any of theirs, saying, "Oh my wound, look at my wound! Look how painful it is! Look how much it has hurt me! Isn't it awful!? Woe is me and woe is my wound!" 

 That definitely got me thinking, and I realized I so do not want to be that person, the one who constantly picks at her wounds, not allowing them to heal, not allowing them to scar over, seeking others to keep them fresh. I want my wounds to heal properly, to scar over with the signature of Christ, and allow God to use what once were terrible hurts in my life to show others that they can heal, that God is the great Redeemer, and He can turn even the nastiest and deepest cuts into marks that tell others of His love. 

I want others to look at my life and plainly see that while I have obviously been hurt, that my life has not been perfect, but filled with painful wounds, God has completely healed me and given me joy. I do not want my wounds to go to waste. I'm grateful for my scars! Those things hurt like a son of a you know what. If I'm gonna have that kind of pain in my life, I want others to know about it! I want them to see that I have been wounded and healed, and I want them to wonder how such painful cuts could heal so beautifully. I want to be able to show them that there is only one way for scars to look so good, and that is through Christ. 

I wonder how many of you have old wounds that never healed properly, leaving ugly and painful scars. Or have you allowed them to heal at all? Have you continually picked at them for years? Wouldn't it be wonderful if you allowed God to cut out those painful scars, and heal each wound the way it should have healed in the first place, leaving a beautiful scar, a mark of the Lord, telling the world that you hurt, and you survived it, and you plan to use it to glorify Him? 

I wonder all the time why people are so private with their past hurts. I've known a lot of people who have been through horrible things, have been wounded deeply, and refuse to share any of it with the world. I have often wondered why those people were so protective of their past hurts, when so many others have been through the same things and could benefit from them sharing their stories. I realized this weekend that it is possible that those wounds never healed properly. That talking openly about them might be very painful to the touch. That maybe God was never allowed to heal that wound and leave in its place a beautiful scar that they could be proud to show others. 

But I also think that we have been conditioned to hide our scars, to be ashamed of them, even when God has totally redeemed us and left His beautiful signature where an ugly wound once was! When Josh and I were struggling so much in our marriage, when we were on the brink of divorce and things seemed utterly hopeless, we had so many people pull us aside and tell us how once they too had struggled in their marriage, how God had restored their relationship, how there was hope in a seemingly hopeless situation. I remember feeling angry that they didn't speak up until things were practically too late for us. Maybe if they had, maybe if they had been more open with their scars, we wouldn't have been so wounded in the first place. 

When I lost Lily, when I opened up about my many miscarriages, I had the same thing happen. So many women came forward, telling me of their losses, telling me how they'd never talked about it, never shared it with anyone. Why? I wondered. Why are we so very protective of our pain? Why do we keep our wounds in the dark where they can never properly heal? Why hide beautiful scars that God Himself healed and could so awesomely use for His glory? 

I think the thing that spoke to me the most this weekend is how much God wants to heal our pain. He doesn't want us living in agony, He doesn't want old scars to constantly bother us and never heal. God so very much wants to turn those past hurts into beautiful scars that bear His name. He doesn't want to erase them, He doesn't want us to hide them, He wants us to be proud of them. To use them to show the world that He can create beauty from ashes, if we only allow Him to do so. 

I know I have some more healing to do. I know God is working to leave His mark where my wounds once were. I'm a work in progress! But I will continually pray that God heals my wounds, and leaves His beautiful signature over each of them, showing the world Who I belong to. 

"There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with."
-Harry Crews

"God will not look you over for medals, degrees, or diplomas, but for scars."
-Elbert Hubbard

Final Countdown

Well, we are officially in the final countdown to meeting this baby! T minus 13 days, give or take! If I don't go into labor on my own, the doctor has offered an induction at 39 weeks which I plan to swiftly take her up on. I have no desire to be induced, but the stress and anxiety of carrying this little peanut has worn me to my bones, and the sooner I can safely hold her (or him), the better. The influx of excited and anxious text messages I'm getting from friends and family make me realize I'm not the only one sitting on pins and needles waiting for something to happen! I hit 37 weeks a few days ago, making this baby officially "term" and now even my NICU nurse of a mother has given her blessing for her grandbaby to arrive. ;)

While I have had a couple moments of "Hmmm...this could be it!" So far they haven't panned out and I am still here at the computer sitting waaaaay back in my chair because the baby literally has his or her feet hooked under my ribs, making leaning forward impossible.

Josh was off all of last week and is off all of this week too, which has been just the most ridiculous blessing and perfect timing because last week I suddenly became a lot more uncomfortable and less useful around the house! I had this insanely long and overwhelming "To Do" list on my iphone that I dreamed of completing before the baby arrived. Not just little stuff like, "pick up diapers" but big, daunting stuff like, "Do Taxes, Finish mini bedroom re-model (we closed in what was once an Arcadia door and is now a beautiful new red wall), and Buy Car". Seriously, that was actually on my list. Josh has been driving my itty bitty teeny weeny perfect for a 19 year old college girl Honda Accord coupe since I outgrew it when I got pregnant with the twins. We knew we'd need a car for him that fit three car seats and could safely drive on the freeway (neither of which was true about our Accord), but we have put it off and put it off because we just haven't been absolutely positively sure we would need a car that fit three car seats. Honestly we still aren't, but with less than two weeks until this baby is set to arrive, we decided we needed to pull the trigger. We felt like God gave us a great big "Go ahead!" when He blessed us with a HUGE (relative to a teacher's salary, mind you) and completely unexpected bonus check for Josh. We didn't think twice about what we needed to use that money for and immediately started car shopping.

Believe it or not, I was able to check off every single thing on my "To Do" list as of yesterday! Last week began with finishing off the bedroom which is now officially baby ready (this little one will be rooming in with mommy for a few months so I can obsessively check its breathing every four seconds). The very next day God blessed us with a car that fits our needs and makes Josh look a whole lot cooler (have you ever seen a six foot, four inch man exit a sweet little two door coupe? It isn't very masculine). Buying that car was quite the experience as we decided to just "stop and peek" at a Dodge Durango I had scoped out online. It was on our way back home from picking the kids up from school, so all four of us walked into that dealership having no idea we'd be held hostage there for over four hours.

Loooooooooong story short, we felt the car was perfect for our needs but it was about a million dollars (to our family anyways) above what we had budgeted. Unbeknownst to me, my normally reserved, avoids confrontation like the plague and would rather walk on hot coals than argue with a stranger husband is a master negotiator when it comes to car salesmen. I shouldn't really call it negotiating though, because what basically happened was Josh told the guy what we were willing to pay, and forty-seven hours later, that's what we paid. It wasn't easy though, said guy laughed in our face, took over TWELVE trips back to his "supervisor" to show him our offer (which, by the way, did not change one single penny any of these twelve times), and walked back in, every time getting us a little closer to where we wanted to be. All the while our poor hungry children sat in the little children's play area like perfect angels even though we were subjecting them to pure torture by keeping them in this car dealership for so long without so much as a piece of gum to hold them over.

It all ended when, after four hours, Josh said, "I'm sorry but we are going to have to go home and sleep on this." This was after the obviously defeated salesman was within $250 of what we wanted to pay. I mean really, at this point, if I had been alone, I would have said enough already, you're close enough, let's make a deal. Not Josh! He kept talking about the "magic number" and how if they couldn't get there, we were leaving. The salesman said, and I quote, "I am one million percent sure my supervisor will not okay that number. But I will try."

What do you know? I had lifted my large and incredibly uncomfortable self out of the chair I had been trapped in for hours getting ready to walk out the door, when our friend the salesman walked in with an offer from his supervisor that said, "You win." (Seriously, that actually happened) And that was it! Finally!!! My mouth nearly hit the floor and Josh just smiled as if to say, "Yeah, I did win."

I. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Buying cars. The salesmen are sleezy, they always play ridiculous games with you, and I swear they think we have the IQ of a pinto bean (How many times can you lower my payment? As many times as you can push my payment plan out until I'm ninety-seven years old. I still know I'm paying the same amount!!!). It is never, ever a pleasant experience, but I have to say, this one was at least entertaining. I said absolutely nothing during the entire interaction. Nothing. And if you know me, you know I personally have no problem with conflict and staying quiet about things is not my strongest characteristic. But I just sat there, rubbing my belly for effect, watching Josh deal with this guy and having a little too much fun doing it. At the end of it, the salesman said, "You know, it is usually the wives who are so stubborn." Josh looked at me as if to say, "Yeah, that's been my experience too." But he just played it off like I'm normally that docile and sweet. ;)

So anyways, we have ourselves a new (used) car that fits our whole family and then some! We also have a completed bedroom, taxes that are done, clean carpet, a groomed dog, a packed hospital bag, and a bunch of little but really important to a pregnant lady stuff that needed to be done all finished! Josh still has the rest of the week off, and due to my inability to sleep or function the way I used to, I'm officially on maternity leave! So if you put those together...we are off the rest of the week together with no pressing things to do hanging over our heads! While it would be lovely if the baby came now, I decided this morning that God has given us a rare gift and we should be enjoying every second of it! I don't remember the last time both of us weren't working and we had no kids (we still have kids, but they're in school til 3:00!). Today we took in a matinee, had lunch, and most importantly, took a nap!!! It was blissful. And I still get a few more days of that! We are both so anxious and excited to meet this baby, but at the same time we know how much we will miss these moments, so we are doing our best to sit back and enjoy things.

So how is baby? Great! It did another flip back to the breech position (bad baby!), but I'm pretty sure it flipped back a couple days ago, even without the use of an ironing board.  We will know for sure after our ultrasound tomorrow. I am still going to the hospital twice a week and the doctor once a week. Things have been looking really good, with the exception of a few little scares concerning my amniotic fluid level dropping and the baby's heart rate not liking my near constant but apparently ineffective contractions.

I get a lot of "How are you feeling?" type questions, and it really depends on who's asking whether or not I give a straight up answer. I have some people say, "You must be miserable by now," and that is one thing I just cringe at. Let me clarify something right now...there is nothing about this pregnancy that comes within a hundred miles of "misery". Misery is carrying a baby you know to be dead. Misery is waking up to a nightmare you had about losing your baby only to realize that it wasn't a nightmare, it was just yesterday. Misery is being at your lowest and so far down in the pit that you can't even see the light above. Heartburn, a sore back, and a lack of sleep are not miserable. They're inconvenient.

So, no, I am absolutely not "miserable". I'm uncomfortable, I'm tired, I'm so anxious to have this baby safe in my arms. I'm thrilled about the time off I'm spending with my family before this little one stirs things up quite a bit. I'm in absolute awe that we've made it this far. Of course I have complaints, but it is simply impossible to complain to anyone without completely offending the mommy in me who has experienced so many pregnancy losses. When I text back a response saying I'm starting to get uncomfortable, or when I mumble to Josh how much it hurts just to roll over in bed, or when I am in tears because the five Tums I just downed at 3 a.m. are doing absolutely nothing to calm the fireball in my chest, I can actually hear the woman who buried her tiny stillborn daughter chastise me and say, "How dare you? How dare you complain when you have everything I ever wanted?"

I have people tell me, "You're allowed to complain a little you know." But the truth is, I'm not. No one who experiences pregnancy after a loss is allowed to complain. It's against the rules. It offends the memory of the babies we never got to carry to term. It eats at us like all guilt does. And you know what? That's okay. Because it has helped me cherish this pregnancy so much more, and it really puts things into perspective. Eight years ago when I was pregnant with the twins, I remember thinking that the absolute worst news I could possibly get at each ultrasound was that one of the babies had turned breech. Oh to be that naive again!!! And sometimes I long for that naivety, just so I could go a whole night without waking suddenly and frantically trying to get the baby to move so I can fall back asleep for one more hour until it happens again.

But at the same time, I appreciate these moments and days and milestones more that the woman who was pregnant with twins did eight years ago. That's a gift! And I have a feeling it will follow me well after this baby is born. I will never feel right complaining about my lack of sleep or painful breastfeeding or any of the stresses that come with a new baby, because how can I complain when I longed for that baby so very much?  Other moms can complain. Other moms will complain. I will too at some point, but I will feel horrible for doing so. And that's okay, because I know it will give me more patience than I ever would have had if I hadn't lost the babies I did. Those experiences changed me, and I don't think it was in a bad way at all.

All of that being said, I positively cannot wait to hold this baby in my arms, finally!!! I think of that moment, and I am totally overwhelmed by it. What will it feel like to hold years of hoping, praying, and waiting in my arms? What will it feel like to look into the eyes of someone who is the reward for all our family has been through? How absolutely sweet will it be to hand this baby over to Eisley and Jake and watch them smile and marvel over the miracle they've watched grow inside mommy for nine months? To get to watch my children's prayers be answered right in front of my eyes, after years of praying with them...It can't come soon enough!

I promise to keep you all posted! I hope my next entry will include pictures of our sweet new baby, but don't hold your breath! The twins had to be forced out on their eviction date, and I have a feeling this one will too! But even if that happens, I'm less than two weeks away from meeting my baby, and that is very exciting!!!

I don't have any pictures this go round, mostly because I'm lazy, but I will try to post some next time! Thank you so much for your continued prayers as we approach Baby Time! I know you are all so excited right alongside us, and I can't wait for everyone to share in our joy!

36 weeks!!!

I am so excited to be posting this update. I feel like we are so close, and I am so excited to meet this baby! I am constantly torn between wanting time to speed up and wanting it to slow down. I just want baby out and healthy, but at the same time I feel like I only just recently let it sink in that I'm actually pregnant, and it's just in time for me to not be pregnant much longer!

The baby is doing great, and so am I. I am at the doctor or hospital about four days a week at this point having some kind of ultrasound or check up, but that means lots of peeks at baby! I am growing steadily, but baby is growing even more! This morning at my growth scan the baby measured in at 7 lbs., 7 oz. And I'm supposed to have three or four more weeks to go?!? The twins were 7 lbs. 1 oz. at birth so I can't even comprehend the chunkiness of this child. Maybe it means he or she will make an early appearance, we'll see!

Jake and Eisley have been sick the past few days, which has been no fun at all, but it does mean they got to come with me to all my appointments. This morning was the most fun, as we really got a good peek at the baby and he or she was making the cutest kissy faces the whole time!!! The kids were giggling and making the ultrasound tech laugh, so it was pretty fun.

Yesterday the baby was breech (feet down) at my ultrasound, and the tech told me I'd better get baby to flip soon because it is getting too big to move much! I was determined to get baby to flip around! It was suggested to me that I try something called the "ironing board trick" to get baby to flip head down. I was pretty much open to anything as I really, really want to avoid a c-section, so I did some googling and found out you are supposed to prop up an ironing board on the couch, lay on it upside down for 20 minutes, and hold an ice pack on your upper tummy and a heating pad on your lower tummy. This is supposed to give baby room to move into the right spot. The baby is supposed to want to snuggle up to the heat and get away from the cold.

I told Josh at about 10 o'clock last night, "Okay babe, you're going to laugh at me, but I'm taking medical advice so just hush." He thought I was crazy, but humored me anyways. For your entertainment, I even told him to take a picture...

Go ahead and laugh! But after about ten minutes of this, I told Josh, "Oh my gosh, the baby totally just flipped!" And guess what? I was right! At my ultrasound this morning, baby was right back to head down!!! So there.

In other news, I was so blessed in the past couple of weeks to not only get a shower thrown by my co-workers, but also a surprise Baby Sprinkle by my closest friends. My work shower was so nice and I got lots of wonderful gifts for this baby! It was a joint shower thrown for me and another very pregnant co-worker, and neither of us know what we are having which I think made everyone a little mad at us haha! Even Lisa got to come as she was working that day too!

And last weekend I was so blessed to have my closest friends celebrate this little one with me. We were just supposed to be having Book Club but they surprised me with the sweetest decorations and gifts! We had such a fun time! I love these girls and can't wait for them to meet this baby! We've all waited and prayed together for a veeeeery long time. :)

I have definitely been having some panicked moments where I think about how absolutely devastating it would be to lose the baby at this point. We've finally really let things sink in. I've washed the baby clothes. We've chosen names. I am packing my hospital bag. It's real, and we are so close to baby coming that we would be stupid not to prepare for him or her at this point, but that also makes things very scary. Nothing is for sure. Nothing is guaranteed. I wish so much I could be oblivious to that fact, and be like most other largely pregnant mamas who equate their due date with having a healthy baby in their arms. I just don't. I hope...I pray...but I don't count on bringing this baby home or things going the way I want. I know how quickly everything can crumble, and that is really hard. 

But I also have no intention of wasting away the last couple of weeks I have this baby all to myself with worrying. Last night as I laid in bed, I realized how very much I will miss that alone time with the baby, feeling it move and knowing it is okay. I take this kid with me wherever I go. We are never apart! Not even for one second. Soon that won't be possible anymore, as I will be competing with quite a few anxious arms wanting to snuggle this little one! ;) It reminded me to really savor these last moments, because no matter what the outcome is, I will miss this time terribly. 

Last but certainly not least, baby pictures! Yay! I love seeing ultrasound pictures and have never had problems making them out, but I know quite a few people who tilt their head to the side and have no idea what they are looking at. I will send the pics out to friends and family and I get texts back saying, "I don't see it!"  It reminds me of poor Rachel...

So hopefully you can make these out, but no one will blame you if you can't (okay that's not true, HOW can you not see it??? It's RIGHT THERE!!!) ;)


Here is a very up close and personal picture of baby's lips and nose. If it were in color you could probably see boogers, because we are looking straight up the nostrils...

Look at those lips! Those are some big kissy lips! Can't wait to kiss them myself!!!


Here is a couple profile pictures...

And here is a cute little foot for you...

And here is the most recent picture of me and baby together...almost 36 weeks!

We're getting so close! Josh is on Spring Break for the next two weeks starting Saturday, and no pressure or anything baby, but that would just be super convenient if you came when he was off!! My guess is baby will make an appearance the day Josh goes back to work, but we can still hope!

I will keep you posted! Thank you for your continued prayers!!!