Change in Plans

Well, still no baby! But we do have some updates so I will share those! Yesterday I had a growth scan ultrasound. The baby was so big she couldn't even fit its whole head on one screen! It is definitely going to be a chunky monkey, but more to love! ;) They officially estimated the baby to be 10 lbs, 2 oz. Holy Fat Baby Batman.

Now, these ultrasounds are notoriously inaccurate, and even when I was pregnant with the twins, they told me at 37 weeks that both kiddos were over eight pounds. One week later, I gave birth to two 7 lb, 1 oz babies. So mistakes happen! But, when my doctor took a look at the scan and gave me an exam to feel the baby and get an idea of how big it really is, she felt confident we are looking at a pretty large kiddo. Because of that, she does not feel comfortable letting me deliver naturally. I was completely blind sided when she told me I'd need to have a c-section, as I just expected her to induce me sooner. She said at this point, she wants baby to get past 39 weeks if possible for the health of the baby, and does not feel it is worth the risk to try and deliver such a big kiddo vaginally.

I started bawling in the office! I have never had a c-section, as the twins were born without one. I couldn't believe I was facing major surgery with just one baby when I'd done just fine delivering two! I think the combination of being blind sided by the news and all these lovely pregnancy hormones contributed to my little breakdown. ;)

The doctor talked to me about how if I felt really strongly, really really strongly, she'd let me attempt a vaginal delivery. But then she spent 20 minutes explaining her fears about delivering a baby so big. Jake and Eisley were only seven pounds, and they had to be sucked out with a vacuum after 23 hours of labor, so she worried that a ten pound baby just would not fit. She talked about the risks of shoulder dystocia, how that could mean all kinds of things for the baby from having to break its collar bone to get it out all the way to brain damage and stillbirth. Well of course that got me right there. How can I listen to my doctor tell me I'd be risking losing my perfectly healthy baby to stillbirth just because I didn't want to have a c-section?

She told me she'd support me in whatever I decided, but that she was absolutely uncomfortable letting me try a natural delivery and every other doctor in the practice wouldn't even consider it. I cried for awhile, then told her to do what she thought was best. She is so wonderful and understanding and was super gentle with me, which I really appreciate! She also said if the baby came out much smaller she'd smack someone, but wouldn't feel that bad because I'd finally be holding my healthy baby, which is the end goal we've been trying to achieve for years. I doubt I will care much how we achieved it! If I've learned anything the past few years, it is you have to be willing to roll with the punches. Things can change so much so suddenly, and while it is perfectly okay to take a minute to feel that whiplash and get your head straight again, there's just no sense in dwelling on things you cannot change. This is a blip on our radar in the grand scheme of things.

When I called my sister right after my appointment, I could barely talk through my sobs. I was so upset. When I talked to Josh a few hours later, he reminded me that we could have gotten much, much worse news, and this wasn't anything to sob about. He's completely right, and after taking a bit to let it sink in, I actually feel pretty good about it.

So, c-section it is! We scheduled it for next Wednesday afternoon, which means we are, at most, only one week away from meeting this sweet baby! I'm so excited, and just praying God helps me get through these last few days! I am not in a rush to not be pregnant anymore, but I am so ready to hold my healthy pumpkin!

We would appreciate your prayers so much! I am nervous about the recovery of major surgery and three kids at home, but that's nothing compared to the worries I have about making it through this next week. I can't tell you how the hours crawl by and each one is filled with thoughts of "Can I get this baby to next Wednesday alive?" I worry that something will go terribly wrong between here and there. I worry that one more week is too long for this baby to be trapped inside me, when I feel like I am not a safe place for the baby to be. That might make no sense to most of you, but that's how I feel.

At the same time, I want to enjoy these last days of feeling the kicks and rolls of this baby! It is nothing short of a miracle, and I completely appreciate that. I know I will miss it terribly. I will miss taking long naps and not being anyone's milk machine too! Jake and Eisley and I have some fun things planned for the next few days, so I'm sure they will go by fast!

So that's our update as of now! I will come back to post one last pregnancy shot at 39 weeks! And then it will be baby time! Yay! Eisley told me today that she can't stand to wait one more minute not knowing if it is a boy or a girl. I'm with her. What a great reward that will be after waiting so long to find out! We're super excited. :)

Thanks so much for your prayers and encouraging words! It won't be long now!!!

38 Weeks and the Scars I Carry

Well it's official! I have never been pregnant this long! ;) I had the twins at 38 weeks and a few hours, and today this baby has made it all the way to 38 weeks and a day (or two, depending on how late I post this...). It is so surreal to know this baby is as big or bigger than Jake and Eisley were at birth. I remember holding both of them in my arms and thinking it was incredible that they had both been inside me just hours before, and here they were, full on babies in my arms! I can't wait to do the same with this one!

I have been told that this baby is quite large considering how far along I am, and that my dates might be off, but here I sit, still pregnant, so time will tell! I have a growth scan on Tuesday that will give us a better idea of just how chunky this monkey is, and the doctor will decide from there if maybe it would be better to take baby out sooner rather than later.

I am definitely feeling pretty uncomfortable. I feel like this baby is trying to bust loose but is trying to do so by punching right out of my abdomen. He or she has quite a kick these days! At the same time, I took a loooong nap today and thanked God that I could lie down and know I could just sleep until I woke up, not until a hungry baby demanded my time, so I enjoyed it very much. :)

Josh heads back to work Monday, and I don't know who is more upset about it. We have enjoyed having him home so much! We were hoping the baby would come at some point during his vacation, but baby obviously wasn't ready yet! So now Josh is looking at missing some work, which he's not thrilled about, but we'll make it work. The kids are on Spring Break this next week, and we have some fun things planned together! I want to spend some quality time with my munchkins before their world gets rocked by a new baby, so I'm thankful for this time as well.

As promised, here is me and the kiddo at 38 weeks. Not much more room to grow!!!

The shirts I once wore to hide my pregnancy are now the only ones that fit haha! But that's okay, it can't be too much longer now! 

I don't have any new baby pictures to share, as this kiddo has decided to be a good baby and go head down and face towards my spine just like it's supposed to for delivery! But that means ultrasound pictures are out of the question unless I want a nice shot of baby's bootie, which I do not, because we still want to be surprised about the sex! I have had quite a few people accuse me of knowing what we are having and keeping it a secret, and I hereby declare with Scout's Honor that we DO NOT! I promise! We will be just as surprised as all of you! I was so excited to finally get the little baby hats in the mail that I ordered a month ago, one for a boy and one for a girl, with their names embroidered on them. They are adorable!

I am absolutely gripped with fear now and then that something will still go wrong. Most days I'm fine, but there are moments that just make me crumble on the inside, worrying that we've come this far only to have to deal with some tragedy I can't even conjure up. I have been watching old ER reruns to pass the time while I lay in bed like the beached whale I feel like, and last night there was an episode on that I knew I shouldn't watch, but did anyway. Do you ER fans remember the episode where Dr. Greene gets in over his head delivering a baby in the ER? Pretty much everything that could go wrong did go wrong. Misdiagnosed Eclampsia, placental abruption, shoulder dystocia, a botched c-section, and the list goes on. It was horrible! I sat there wide eyed realizing that the poor mother was 38 weeks pregnant, just like me, and everything was perfect right up until the point when it wasn't. She died, and the baby barely made it out alive. Yes, I realize this is a fictional story, but it could happen to anyone. It happens every day, and when you are as seasoned as I am in things that can and do go wrong, you can't help but worry. 

So I didn't sleep great last night. I should never have watched that episode, but at the same time it started a great conversation between me and the Lord. I told Him I was scared to pieces of things going wrong, and He reminded me that nothing will happen without His permission, and He will not allow anything that He can't later use to totally glorify Him. Even if I die from a botched c-section. Which I really hope doesn't happen. ;) 

Moving right along, I was totally blessed to get to attend a Beth Moore conference this weekend! I had planned to go a few months ago, then realized I'd either be home with a newborn or too pregnant to sit for hours in fold up arena seats, so I decided not to. Well the other day I realized I was not home with a newborn and it might not be the worst thing if the uncomfortable seating put me into labor, plus my awesome friend was able to get me a last minute ticket! 

Me, Heather, and Rachel at the Beth Moore Conference

For those of you who haven't heard of Beth Moore or ever had the opportunity to hear her speak or do one of her Bible studies, you should really do something about that. God has totally gifted her with the ability to speak directly into the souls of hurting women, to translate God's word into something that is so relatable in our every day lives. She is incredibly charismatic and her way of teaching cracks me up at times, which is not easy to do! I just love hearing her speak and watching her love for the Lord ooze from her very pores. I have never walked away from a study of hers without being radically marked by what God has taught me through it. I told my friends that I want to be Beth Moore when I grow up. My dream is to write books that women can relate to and speak to them in a way that turns them right to the Lord. Maybe someday!

The topic of her conference this year was "Marked". I'm sure every woman there got something different from it, but I will share what I gleaned from the whole thing. Beth had us delve into Scripture, finding examples of times when God has used "marks" to protect His people, to show others they belong to Him. She talked about how marks, or scars, can outwardly show the world who exactly we belong to, what we've been through, how we have healed from the wounds we've received. She spoke about how every one of us bears inward scars. These scars have permanently marked us, in a way that is usually visible to others. One of her "homework" assignments on Friday night was to write down what has scarred us the most in our adult life. When I told Josh, he said, "Well too bad you won't be able to think of anything." ;)

I obviously carry a lot of scars. Each time I have been hurt, each time God has allowed something in my life that cut me deep into my soul, wounded me severely, it left a mark that changed me forever. Beth talked about how it is up to us whether we allow the Lord to heal those wounds, and turn those scars into the signature of Christ. I definitely did some soul searching, thinking about if my scars bore the name of Jesus, or if they were simply jagged scars on my testimony that people wondered about. When people look at my scars, what do they see? Is it obvious that Jesus has healed them, has left His mark where those wounds once were? Are any of my wounds still left unhealed? 

Oddly enough, while eating dinner with my friends before the conference started, before we had any idea what the topic would be, I was telling Heather and Rachel how much the scar on my chest still bothers me. I have this two inch scar just below my right collar bone from having my port removed awhile back. If you know me, I'm sure you've either wondered about it or asked me about it. It never healed properly, keloiding and becoming incredibly ugly and painful. I was telling them how much it bothered me, how I wake up sometimes because it's throbbing, how if anyone touches it, even if my clothing rubs against it or the seat belt touches it, it feels like an exposed nerve has been hit. I've talked to my doctor about it and he assured me he could try to fix it by cutting it out and leaving me with a new scar that would hopefully heal properly. I can't do that until I'm not pregnant anymore, but I have every intention of trying it. While I'm not thrilled at the idea of being cut open once again and going through the pain of that procedure, I can't imagine going through the rest of my life with a scar that is more like a wound, continually causing me trouble, one others look at and say, "Ouch, that must really hurt!". 

I thought about my port scar a lot when I was listening to Beth talk. I asked God if any of my inside scars hadn't healed properly. I really thought about the things that have marked me in my life...betrayal, rejection, unspeakable loss...did those wounds heal properly? Were any of them still keeping me up at night, eating away at me? Did they heal, leaving the signature of Christ that others could look at and marvel at how the Lord left a beautiful mark that tells the story of His redemption, or did they heal only partially, leaving a scar that was still sensitive, ugly, and painful to the touch? Were there any areas of my life that I need God to go back and cut out so that He can leave a new mark, one that will heal completely, one that I can touch without wincing in pain, one that won't wake me up at night in tears?

There was another point that Beth made that really stuck out to me. She told the story of her father-in-law and how he has some sort of tube in his chest or abdomen that improves his quality of life. She didn't go into details, but she said he has a nurse that comes out every week to give him wound care. She changes the dressing, applies ointment, keeps it clean and fresh. Beth asked us if there were any of us that had wounds we are still nursing. Wounds that should have been long time healed, but ones we continually seek attention for, asking others to help dress and clean. Are there wounds we simply aren't allowing to heal? Do we walk around to our friends, knowing our wounds are far deeper than any of theirs, saying, "Oh my wound, look at my wound! Look how painful it is! Look how much it has hurt me! Isn't it awful!? Woe is me and woe is my wound!" 

 That definitely got me thinking, and I realized I so do not want to be that person, the one who constantly picks at her wounds, not allowing them to heal, not allowing them to scar over, seeking others to keep them fresh. I want my wounds to heal properly, to scar over with the signature of Christ, and allow God to use what once were terrible hurts in my life to show others that they can heal, that God is the great Redeemer, and He can turn even the nastiest and deepest cuts into marks that tell others of His love. 

I want others to look at my life and plainly see that while I have obviously been hurt, that my life has not been perfect, but filled with painful wounds, God has completely healed me and given me joy. I do not want my wounds to go to waste. I'm grateful for my scars! Those things hurt like a son of a you know what. If I'm gonna have that kind of pain in my life, I want others to know about it! I want them to see that I have been wounded and healed, and I want them to wonder how such painful cuts could heal so beautifully. I want to be able to show them that there is only one way for scars to look so good, and that is through Christ. 

I wonder how many of you have old wounds that never healed properly, leaving ugly and painful scars. Or have you allowed them to heal at all? Have you continually picked at them for years? Wouldn't it be wonderful if you allowed God to cut out those painful scars, and heal each wound the way it should have healed in the first place, leaving a beautiful scar, a mark of the Lord, telling the world that you hurt, and you survived it, and you plan to use it to glorify Him? 

I wonder all the time why people are so private with their past hurts. I've known a lot of people who have been through horrible things, have been wounded deeply, and refuse to share any of it with the world. I have often wondered why those people were so protective of their past hurts, when so many others have been through the same things and could benefit from them sharing their stories. I realized this weekend that it is possible that those wounds never healed properly. That talking openly about them might be very painful to the touch. That maybe God was never allowed to heal that wound and leave in its place a beautiful scar that they could be proud to show others. 

But I also think that we have been conditioned to hide our scars, to be ashamed of them, even when God has totally redeemed us and left His beautiful signature where an ugly wound once was! When Josh and I were struggling so much in our marriage, when we were on the brink of divorce and things seemed utterly hopeless, we had so many people pull us aside and tell us how once they too had struggled in their marriage, how God had restored their relationship, how there was hope in a seemingly hopeless situation. I remember feeling angry that they didn't speak up until things were practically too late for us. Maybe if they had, maybe if they had been more open with their scars, we wouldn't have been so wounded in the first place. 

When I lost Lily, when I opened up about my many miscarriages, I had the same thing happen. So many women came forward, telling me of their losses, telling me how they'd never talked about it, never shared it with anyone. Why? I wondered. Why are we so very protective of our pain? Why do we keep our wounds in the dark where they can never properly heal? Why hide beautiful scars that God Himself healed and could so awesomely use for His glory? 

I think the thing that spoke to me the most this weekend is how much God wants to heal our pain. He doesn't want us living in agony, He doesn't want old scars to constantly bother us and never heal. God so very much wants to turn those past hurts into beautiful scars that bear His name. He doesn't want to erase them, He doesn't want us to hide them, He wants us to be proud of them. To use them to show the world that He can create beauty from ashes, if we only allow Him to do so. 

I know I have some more healing to do. I know God is working to leave His mark where my wounds once were. I'm a work in progress! But I will continually pray that God heals my wounds, and leaves His beautiful signature over each of them, showing the world Who I belong to. 

"There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with."
-Harry Crews

"God will not look you over for medals, degrees, or diplomas, but for scars."
-Elbert Hubbard

Final Countdown

Well, we are officially in the final countdown to meeting this baby! T minus 13 days, give or take! If I don't go into labor on my own, the doctor has offered an induction at 39 weeks which I plan to swiftly take her up on. I have no desire to be induced, but the stress and anxiety of carrying this little peanut has worn me to my bones, and the sooner I can safely hold her (or him), the better. The influx of excited and anxious text messages I'm getting from friends and family make me realize I'm not the only one sitting on pins and needles waiting for something to happen! I hit 37 weeks a few days ago, making this baby officially "term" and now even my NICU nurse of a mother has given her blessing for her grandbaby to arrive. ;)

While I have had a couple moments of "Hmmm...this could be it!" So far they haven't panned out and I am still here at the computer sitting waaaaay back in my chair because the baby literally has his or her feet hooked under my ribs, making leaning forward impossible.

Josh was off all of last week and is off all of this week too, which has been just the most ridiculous blessing and perfect timing because last week I suddenly became a lot more uncomfortable and less useful around the house! I had this insanely long and overwhelming "To Do" list on my iphone that I dreamed of completing before the baby arrived. Not just little stuff like, "pick up diapers" but big, daunting stuff like, "Do Taxes, Finish mini bedroom re-model (we closed in what was once an Arcadia door and is now a beautiful new red wall), and Buy Car". Seriously, that was actually on my list. Josh has been driving my itty bitty teeny weeny perfect for a 19 year old college girl Honda Accord coupe since I outgrew it when I got pregnant with the twins. We knew we'd need a car for him that fit three car seats and could safely drive on the freeway (neither of which was true about our Accord), but we have put it off and put it off because we just haven't been absolutely positively sure we would need a car that fit three car seats. Honestly we still aren't, but with less than two weeks until this baby is set to arrive, we decided we needed to pull the trigger. We felt like God gave us a great big "Go ahead!" when He blessed us with a HUGE (relative to a teacher's salary, mind you) and completely unexpected bonus check for Josh. We didn't think twice about what we needed to use that money for and immediately started car shopping.

Believe it or not, I was able to check off every single thing on my "To Do" list as of yesterday! Last week began with finishing off the bedroom which is now officially baby ready (this little one will be rooming in with mommy for a few months so I can obsessively check its breathing every four seconds). The very next day God blessed us with a car that fits our needs and makes Josh look a whole lot cooler (have you ever seen a six foot, four inch man exit a sweet little two door coupe? It isn't very masculine). Buying that car was quite the experience as we decided to just "stop and peek" at a Dodge Durango I had scoped out online. It was on our way back home from picking the kids up from school, so all four of us walked into that dealership having no idea we'd be held hostage there for over four hours.

Loooooooooong story short, we felt the car was perfect for our needs but it was about a million dollars (to our family anyways) above what we had budgeted. Unbeknownst to me, my normally reserved, avoids confrontation like the plague and would rather walk on hot coals than argue with a stranger husband is a master negotiator when it comes to car salesmen. I shouldn't really call it negotiating though, because what basically happened was Josh told the guy what we were willing to pay, and forty-seven hours later, that's what we paid. It wasn't easy though, said guy laughed in our face, took over TWELVE trips back to his "supervisor" to show him our offer (which, by the way, did not change one single penny any of these twelve times), and walked back in, every time getting us a little closer to where we wanted to be. All the while our poor hungry children sat in the little children's play area like perfect angels even though we were subjecting them to pure torture by keeping them in this car dealership for so long without so much as a piece of gum to hold them over.

It all ended when, after four hours, Josh said, "I'm sorry but we are going to have to go home and sleep on this." This was after the obviously defeated salesman was within $250 of what we wanted to pay. I mean really, at this point, if I had been alone, I would have said enough already, you're close enough, let's make a deal. Not Josh! He kept talking about the "magic number" and how if they couldn't get there, we were leaving. The salesman said, and I quote, "I am one million percent sure my supervisor will not okay that number. But I will try."

What do you know? I had lifted my large and incredibly uncomfortable self out of the chair I had been trapped in for hours getting ready to walk out the door, when our friend the salesman walked in with an offer from his supervisor that said, "You win." (Seriously, that actually happened) And that was it! Finally!!! My mouth nearly hit the floor and Josh just smiled as if to say, "Yeah, I did win."

I. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Buying cars. The salesmen are sleezy, they always play ridiculous games with you, and I swear they think we have the IQ of a pinto bean (How many times can you lower my payment? As many times as you can push my payment plan out until I'm ninety-seven years old. I still know I'm paying the same amount!!!). It is never, ever a pleasant experience, but I have to say, this one was at least entertaining. I said absolutely nothing during the entire interaction. Nothing. And if you know me, you know I personally have no problem with conflict and staying quiet about things is not my strongest characteristic. But I just sat there, rubbing my belly for effect, watching Josh deal with this guy and having a little too much fun doing it. At the end of it, the salesman said, "You know, it is usually the wives who are so stubborn." Josh looked at me as if to say, "Yeah, that's been my experience too." But he just played it off like I'm normally that docile and sweet. ;)

So anyways, we have ourselves a new (used) car that fits our whole family and then some! We also have a completed bedroom, taxes that are done, clean carpet, a groomed dog, a packed hospital bag, and a bunch of little but really important to a pregnant lady stuff that needed to be done all finished! Josh still has the rest of the week off, and due to my inability to sleep or function the way I used to, I'm officially on maternity leave! So if you put those together...we are off the rest of the week together with no pressing things to do hanging over our heads! While it would be lovely if the baby came now, I decided this morning that God has given us a rare gift and we should be enjoying every second of it! I don't remember the last time both of us weren't working and we had no kids (we still have kids, but they're in school til 3:00!). Today we took in a matinee, had lunch, and most importantly, took a nap!!! It was blissful. And I still get a few more days of that! We are both so anxious and excited to meet this baby, but at the same time we know how much we will miss these moments, so we are doing our best to sit back and enjoy things.

So how is baby? Great! It did another flip back to the breech position (bad baby!), but I'm pretty sure it flipped back a couple days ago, even without the use of an ironing board.  We will know for sure after our ultrasound tomorrow. I am still going to the hospital twice a week and the doctor once a week. Things have been looking really good, with the exception of a few little scares concerning my amniotic fluid level dropping and the baby's heart rate not liking my near constant but apparently ineffective contractions.

I get a lot of "How are you feeling?" type questions, and it really depends on who's asking whether or not I give a straight up answer. I have some people say, "You must be miserable by now," and that is one thing I just cringe at. Let me clarify something right now...there is nothing about this pregnancy that comes within a hundred miles of "misery". Misery is carrying a baby you know to be dead. Misery is waking up to a nightmare you had about losing your baby only to realize that it wasn't a nightmare, it was just yesterday. Misery is being at your lowest and so far down in the pit that you can't even see the light above. Heartburn, a sore back, and a lack of sleep are not miserable. They're inconvenient.

So, no, I am absolutely not "miserable". I'm uncomfortable, I'm tired, I'm so anxious to have this baby safe in my arms. I'm thrilled about the time off I'm spending with my family before this little one stirs things up quite a bit. I'm in absolute awe that we've made it this far. Of course I have complaints, but it is simply impossible to complain to anyone without completely offending the mommy in me who has experienced so many pregnancy losses. When I text back a response saying I'm starting to get uncomfortable, or when I mumble to Josh how much it hurts just to roll over in bed, or when I am in tears because the five Tums I just downed at 3 a.m. are doing absolutely nothing to calm the fireball in my chest, I can actually hear the woman who buried her tiny stillborn daughter chastise me and say, "How dare you? How dare you complain when you have everything I ever wanted?"

I have people tell me, "You're allowed to complain a little you know." But the truth is, I'm not. No one who experiences pregnancy after a loss is allowed to complain. It's against the rules. It offends the memory of the babies we never got to carry to term. It eats at us like all guilt does. And you know what? That's okay. Because it has helped me cherish this pregnancy so much more, and it really puts things into perspective. Eight years ago when I was pregnant with the twins, I remember thinking that the absolute worst news I could possibly get at each ultrasound was that one of the babies had turned breech. Oh to be that naive again!!! And sometimes I long for that naivety, just so I could go a whole night without waking suddenly and frantically trying to get the baby to move so I can fall back asleep for one more hour until it happens again.

But at the same time, I appreciate these moments and days and milestones more that the woman who was pregnant with twins did eight years ago. That's a gift! And I have a feeling it will follow me well after this baby is born. I will never feel right complaining about my lack of sleep or painful breastfeeding or any of the stresses that come with a new baby, because how can I complain when I longed for that baby so very much?  Other moms can complain. Other moms will complain. I will too at some point, but I will feel horrible for doing so. And that's okay, because I know it will give me more patience than I ever would have had if I hadn't lost the babies I did. Those experiences changed me, and I don't think it was in a bad way at all.

All of that being said, I positively cannot wait to hold this baby in my arms, finally!!! I think of that moment, and I am totally overwhelmed by it. What will it feel like to hold years of hoping, praying, and waiting in my arms? What will it feel like to look into the eyes of someone who is the reward for all our family has been through? How absolutely sweet will it be to hand this baby over to Eisley and Jake and watch them smile and marvel over the miracle they've watched grow inside mommy for nine months? To get to watch my children's prayers be answered right in front of my eyes, after years of praying with them...It can't come soon enough!

I promise to keep you all posted! I hope my next entry will include pictures of our sweet new baby, but don't hold your breath! The twins had to be forced out on their eviction date, and I have a feeling this one will too! But even if that happens, I'm less than two weeks away from meeting my baby, and that is very exciting!!!

I don't have any pictures this go round, mostly because I'm lazy, but I will try to post some next time! Thank you so much for your continued prayers as we approach Baby Time! I know you are all so excited right alongside us, and I can't wait for everyone to share in our joy!

36 weeks!!!

I am so excited to be posting this update. I feel like we are so close, and I am so excited to meet this baby! I am constantly torn between wanting time to speed up and wanting it to slow down. I just want baby out and healthy, but at the same time I feel like I only just recently let it sink in that I'm actually pregnant, and it's just in time for me to not be pregnant much longer!

The baby is doing great, and so am I. I am at the doctor or hospital about four days a week at this point having some kind of ultrasound or check up, but that means lots of peeks at baby! I am growing steadily, but baby is growing even more! This morning at my growth scan the baby measured in at 7 lbs., 7 oz. And I'm supposed to have three or four more weeks to go?!? The twins were 7 lbs. 1 oz. at birth so I can't even comprehend the chunkiness of this child. Maybe it means he or she will make an early appearance, we'll see!

Jake and Eisley have been sick the past few days, which has been no fun at all, but it does mean they got to come with me to all my appointments. This morning was the most fun, as we really got a good peek at the baby and he or she was making the cutest kissy faces the whole time!!! The kids were giggling and making the ultrasound tech laugh, so it was pretty fun.

Yesterday the baby was breech (feet down) at my ultrasound, and the tech told me I'd better get baby to flip soon because it is getting too big to move much! I was determined to get baby to flip around! It was suggested to me that I try something called the "ironing board trick" to get baby to flip head down. I was pretty much open to anything as I really, really want to avoid a c-section, so I did some googling and found out you are supposed to prop up an ironing board on the couch, lay on it upside down for 20 minutes, and hold an ice pack on your upper tummy and a heating pad on your lower tummy. This is supposed to give baby room to move into the right spot. The baby is supposed to want to snuggle up to the heat and get away from the cold.

I told Josh at about 10 o'clock last night, "Okay babe, you're going to laugh at me, but I'm taking medical advice so just hush." He thought I was crazy, but humored me anyways. For your entertainment, I even told him to take a picture...

Go ahead and laugh! But after about ten minutes of this, I told Josh, "Oh my gosh, the baby totally just flipped!" And guess what? I was right! At my ultrasound this morning, baby was right back to head down!!! So there.

In other news, I was so blessed in the past couple of weeks to not only get a shower thrown by my co-workers, but also a surprise Baby Sprinkle by my closest friends. My work shower was so nice and I got lots of wonderful gifts for this baby! It was a joint shower thrown for me and another very pregnant co-worker, and neither of us know what we are having which I think made everyone a little mad at us haha! Even Lisa got to come as she was working that day too!

And last weekend I was so blessed to have my closest friends celebrate this little one with me. We were just supposed to be having Book Club but they surprised me with the sweetest decorations and gifts! We had such a fun time! I love these girls and can't wait for them to meet this baby! We've all waited and prayed together for a veeeeery long time. :)

I have definitely been having some panicked moments where I think about how absolutely devastating it would be to lose the baby at this point. We've finally really let things sink in. I've washed the baby clothes. We've chosen names. I am packing my hospital bag. It's real, and we are so close to baby coming that we would be stupid not to prepare for him or her at this point, but that also makes things very scary. Nothing is for sure. Nothing is guaranteed. I wish so much I could be oblivious to that fact, and be like most other largely pregnant mamas who equate their due date with having a healthy baby in their arms. I just don't. I hope...I pray...but I don't count on bringing this baby home or things going the way I want. I know how quickly everything can crumble, and that is really hard. 

But I also have no intention of wasting away the last couple of weeks I have this baby all to myself with worrying. Last night as I laid in bed, I realized how very much I will miss that alone time with the baby, feeling it move and knowing it is okay. I take this kid with me wherever I go. We are never apart! Not even for one second. Soon that won't be possible anymore, as I will be competing with quite a few anxious arms wanting to snuggle this little one! ;) It reminded me to really savor these last moments, because no matter what the outcome is, I will miss this time terribly. 

Last but certainly not least, baby pictures! Yay! I love seeing ultrasound pictures and have never had problems making them out, but I know quite a few people who tilt their head to the side and have no idea what they are looking at. I will send the pics out to friends and family and I get texts back saying, "I don't see it!"  It reminds me of poor Rachel...

So hopefully you can make these out, but no one will blame you if you can't (okay that's not true, HOW can you not see it??? It's RIGHT THERE!!!) ;)


Here is a very up close and personal picture of baby's lips and nose. If it were in color you could probably see boogers, because we are looking straight up the nostrils...

Look at those lips! Those are some big kissy lips! Can't wait to kiss them myself!!!


Here is a couple profile pictures...

And here is a cute little foot for you...

And here is the most recent picture of me and baby together...almost 36 weeks!

We're getting so close! Josh is on Spring Break for the next two weeks starting Saturday, and no pressure or anything baby, but that would just be super convenient if you came when he was off!! My guess is baby will make an appearance the day Josh goes back to work, but we can still hope!

I will keep you posted! Thank you for your continued prayers!!!