Dear Little One,
It is almost one o'clock in the morning. I have been in bed for hours and just can't sleep. Tomorrow (today!) we have a big fundraiser for your adoption. I don't think that's why I can't sleep. I have been laying awake, thinking, wondering, worrying, praying. I can't turn my brain off. I can't stop thinking about who you are, who you will become, what you will look like, how you will change our lives, how you will change our family, how you will change everything. For hours I have been praying for you, for us, telling God my worries and expressing my thankfulness for all He has done so far. I tried to turn my brain off and go to sleep, but I couldn't! I wondered why all of the sudden I was wide awake, completely wired, unable to think of anything but you. And then I realized why...I was finally expecting you.
I have been pregnant four times. I remember, vividly, the nights I laid awake in my bed after finding out I was expecting each of my babies. I remember how I would listen to Josh fall asleep next to me and wonder to myself, "How is he sleeping right now???" I would toss and turn and think of nothing else but the baby that would soon be changing our lives forever. I would lie there praying and worrying and hoping and dreaming and smiling and crying. I would think about the cost of diapers and wonder if my baby would have dimples. I would worry about losing this precious little one I so suddenly couldn't live without. I would smile at the thought of holding them close to me and smelling their sweet little baby head. I would think about how much time I could take off work and try to break down the cost of formula and diapers in my head over the course of one year. I would go through a list of baby names and internally cross every one of them off because your dad is so stinking picky when it comes to baby names. I would think about everything, everything, and then some.
Well we have been preparing for you, little one, for awhile now. We have spent months trying to prove to our adoption agency that we would be good parents for you. We have filled out piles of paperwork, given countless interviews, taken weeks of classes, and waited, waited, waited. And then...
Today, our caseworker said, "You're good to go!" We have finished our classes, finished our paperwork, proven to them that we would in fact love you more than anyone else on earth could love anyone else on earth. To us, do you know what that means? It means we are expecting you! We are finally, truly, really, expecting you!!! We are waiting for a phone call that could come days, weeks, months from now, telling us, "Your little one is here! Come and get your little one!" And that is so very exciting.
So my brain is just processing that information. It is just now, tonight, realizing that you are coming. That you are out there, that you are growing, that you will be coming home soon. We don't know when, but we know you are. Tonight is the fifth time that I have felt what I'm feeling. Unable to sleep because my brain is going a mile a minute, unable to stop smiling because my heart knows you exist. Tonight is the first night of the rest of my life that I will worry about you, lose sleep over you, and toss and turn wondering if you're okay. I have often wondered if women that have been pregnant multiple times ever get to a point where they just shrug at the news and carry on as usual. I am sure now that is not the case. You are the fifth time God has blessed me with such exciting news. And it feels just as exciting as it did the very first time I found out a baby would be coming into our lives! We are so excited about you, little one. I am losing sleep over you, and it is wonderful.
I cannot predict what will happen with you. I do not know if you will be okay. I do not know if everything will turn out fine. I have had four other nights like this one, where I am so excited and at the same time, so terrified about the fact that I was expecting. It hasn't always turned out okay. Your mommy's heart has been broken so many times, my love. It has opened my eyes to the fact that things don't always go the way we want them to. But it has not diminished my excitement over you or the love I have for you already. Each of my heartaches has in some way prepared me for you. I don't think I will know the extent of that until you are here, or maybe not even until you are all grown up! But God has allowed your mommy hurts that are so big, so very big, because He really, really wanted to give you to me. He knew what it would take to bring us together, and He allowed it because for some reason, He knows I would be the best mommy for you! And I cannot wait to be your mommy. Your mommy.
I think about the very first time I will get to hold you close to me and know you are mine. I think about how I have been waiting for that day for so long, that it will be so incredibly sweet. My heart aches to meet you, to hold you, to sing to you, to whisper in your ear that you are loved. You are so very loved, little one. And I am so happy to be expecting you.