I have heard that saying hundreds of times, and while I don't totally agree with it (sometimes, at three in the morning after you've been emotionally arguing for three hours, you just need to go to bed. Forget the stupid saying someone wrote on a card at your bridal shower. Go. To. Bed.), I think it can definitely be applied to blogging as well.
The last post, along with its spelling errors and emotional vomit, was the result of a really hard day. I was just stepping off of an emotional roller coaster that left me totally dizzy, nauseous, and confused. I felt the need to update everyone because I had been texting back and forth with so many people that I figured it would be easier to just update the blog. I felt the need to ask for prayer from our adoption support community, because, well, we really need the extra prayer right now, and so does this baby.
All of that being said, it was really late at night, I was really upset, and I probably should have just gone to bed. But it is what it is. This entire journey is such an emotional roller coaster that one day we can be on the highest of highs, and the next the lowest of lows. Sometimes we can be both of those places all in one day, like we were yesterday!
I spent a lot of time (like, a LOT) on the phone with our caseworker today. I had sent her a very similar emotional email last night, albeit with many more details and emotional outbursts, and she was wonderful about talking me down this morning and reminding me Who is in control here. There is just so little we have control over, and that is even more true in this particular situation.
We are documenting this journey in a way that a lot of people wouldn't. Many people would go through all of this quietly, and deal with the emotional ups and downs privately . While many of the details of this situation will remain private, we feel like you guys have been praying for us and rooting for us since the beginning, and we want you to be on board with the whole thing. If that means this particular placement falls through, we know you will grieve with us and encourage us as we go back on the waiting list. If this baby is born with issues, we know you will be there to pray us through it and support us entirely. The other side of that is, we don't want anyone thinking this process is a piece of cake. That God isn't daily and momentarily working miracles and intervening in order for one particular child to be placed in our particular family. There are so many facets to adoption, and we want everyone to be aware of how God has worked out each and every detail. If we hadn't told you all that went down yesterday, I think you would have lost an opportunity to spend some time with the Lord, possibly on your knees asking Him for help. I know I would have. I'm not presuming to believe that every person who reads this blog is a Christian and/or they spend any amount of time praying for our family, but even those who aren't should have the opportunity to see God do awesome things. And if you aren't with us for the lows, you will not appreciate the highs nearly as much.
What happened yesterday is just one of those things, one of those adoption shockers that just shouldn't be that shocking, though it is. What we expected to happen didn't happen. When will I start expecting the unexpected?
So...what happens next? Where do we stand with this adoption? What can we be praying for?
What happens next is...we wait. The mother of this baby is still pregnant, and has an appointment at the end of next week in which we are hopeful we will get some answers to specific questions about the health of the baby. We will be praying constantly that God work a miracle and allow this baby to be healthy.
Where do we stand with this adoption? We are still the parents "Kim" has chosen to raise this baby. She still has the right and option to make a different plan, but so do we. Right now, we feel God wants us to stay put and see what happens. So that's what we'll do.
What can we be praying for? Everything!!! Pray for the mother of this baby, pray for the health of the child she's carrying. Pray for our family to be patient as we wait for some answers. Pray for Jake and Eisley. Their little hearts have had so much disappointment over the past couple of years! Jake asked me as I was tucking him in last night, "Is it okay to be mad at God?" I told him of course it's okay, as long as we talk to Him about it. He said, "Well, then if it's okay, I'm a little bit mad at God." I told Him I was too, but that I trusted that God loves us more than I love us, and I know He has good things for our family! And I snuggled the beans out of him until he fell asleep.
The truth is, I can say all the things I know to be true in order to encourage my children and my husband, but there are times when even though I'm saying them, it is hard to believe it myself. That's okay though. I am surrounded by friends and family who will remind me of the Truth even when I have forgotten it.
I don't mean to sound awful, and I hope none of you take this the wrong way, but I cannot wait for the day when I am on the other side of trials. I want to be the one encouraging someone else through a very hard time, a tough wait, or a heart breaking scenario. I wish none of my friends or family had to go through any of those things, but when they do, I hope God will equip me to be there for them the way people have been there for me so many times. Our family is so grateful for the support of those around us.
I know it is a bumpy ride, but thank you for following along with us! We are still hopeful that this placement will work out and this baby will be perfect, but we are preparing our hearts for the possibility of neither of those things happening. Time will tell.
For now, we continue to enjoy each and every moment with our perfectly perfect children, who brighten even the darkest of days. My parents decided to up and take Jake and Eisley to Sea World next week, and I decided to tag along. My reasons are threefold...(Friends reference, anyone?) One...it is physically impossible to be sad at Sea World (this same fact can be applied to both Disneyland and Target, look it up). Two...I am off for three days next week and have no desire to sit around twiddling my thumbs with no children and nothing to do but worry and wait. And three...I would just miss them too much. ;)
Our caseworker said she thinks it is a fabulous idea, and since it is only about five hours away, if something were to happen and "Kim" went into labor, we would just book it back to Phoenix and hope for the best. What about Josh? You might ask. Well, you may or may not know this about Josh, but he enjoys his alone time. He has to work anyways, and yes, he will miss us very much for the two and a half days we are gone, but I think he just might enjoy the peace and quiet. ;)
Thank you again for following along on our crazy adoption journey.