Thursday, August 30, 2012

Taking some time

Well, it has been awhile! I hope you can forgive me for the lack in blog updates. Truthfully, we just needed to take a breather. Things were so incredibly emotional and stressful waiting for and then following the birth of Ember, that our family just needed to take a step back and regroup. We are still doing that, but I thought I would at least let you all know we are doing that!

Many of you have asked me how Ember is doing, and I really appreciate it! Ember is now in the care of her foster family, and the last I heard she was doing amazingly well. She was scheduled to go home early this week, and the picture foster mom sent me Sunday showed a beautiful, peaceful baby girl who is being well loved on! We continue to pray for her and think of her often. Some days I have a hard time, wondering if we did the right thing, wondering why God allowed that situation into our lives at all, wondering if the path we've chosen is the right one. Days when I think about her face, and how it felt to hold her, and how much I miss her even though we only knew her for such a short time. And it's hard.

Ember on her first day

I've also been asked a lot how we are doing, and the truth is...we're okay. We're still processing everything and honestly I don't always feel like I'm processing it very well. I realized the other day that it has been exactly a year since we began this adoption process, and while just a few months ago it felt like we had come so far and accomplished so much in one year, today it feels like we're back at square one, like we've not really gone anywhere, and at times it is definitely discouraging.

The question I get the most often, however, is when are we going back on the waiting list? To answer that question completely honestly, I don't know. When "Kim" was still pregnant with Ember and we were counting down the days til she was born, I think we were also counting down the days until we could go back on the list. We expected to do so almost immediately after the baby was born, but, like pretty much everything else in our lives, things just didn't go as planned. Things were a lot more complicated than we anticipated, and everything was a lot more emotionally and physically involved than I ever dreamed it would be. Because of that, going back up on the waiting list immediately just wasn't feasible.

Josh took more time off with Ember than he ever has in his entire combined years of teaching, and I used up a huge chunk of my own paid time at work to be with her. We spent a lot of time away from the kids, and really wanted to spend some time in the "normal" zone before things got tossed around again. We have had a really hard few weeks, and Josh and I just felt like taking some time to regroup would be the best way to hear what God's plan for us is right now.

The next couple of months are going to be crazy busy! Jake and Eisley turn seven in a little over a month (can you believe that?!?), so I'm busy planning their parties (yes, as in two parties, as this is the first year they opted for separate ones!), while also planning my sister's bridal shower and preparing for her wedding in October! Josh is swamped at work, I am swamped at home, and we just have a lot going on right now. The plan at this point is to take some time, enjoy the next couple of months, and see where we are at emotionally and otherwise once the hustle and bustle of the wedding is over. 

I think a lot of people are really surprised when I tell them we are going to put our adoption plans on hold for a bit. I think everyone expected us to "get right back on the horse," and truthfully so did I. God just had other plans for us, and right now we feel pretty strongly that we need to just take a breather and focus on our family for a bit.

We are confident that God led us down this road purposefully, and we are confident that we have been obedient every step of the way. That doesn't mean we don't struggle a lot with why God has allowed some of the things He has allowed, or that we aren't really sad that things have not gone as we planned. This is hard. This whole thing has been so very hard. I have no idea what God is doing, but hopefully He will make it clear to us someday.

We would love it if you continued to support our family in prayer! We're also still faithfully remembering Ember Rose in our prayers and hope you will too. She definitely will always hold a special place in our hearts, and we love her very, very much. I will continue to update the blog, but just know that there won't be a lot happening as far as the adoption goes for a couple of months. But that doesn't mean that plenty of stuff isn't still going on with our family, so I will definitely keep you posted!

We are so thankful for the support and love that has been shown to us while we dealt with Ember's birth and diagnosis, and especially the support during some incredibly hard decisions. Thank you so much for continuing to love on our family! Stay tuned, it's going to be a fun couple of months!!!

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