Thursday, October 20, 2011

I Miss You

I miss you today. I miss you every day, but I felt it today. I don't always feel it, pumpkin. I know that doesn't hurt your feelings because you are joy. You are joy. You are wrapped in, snuggled together, covered up and dripping in joy.

God has been so good to me. To allow me most days, most hours, when I don't feel it. When I know it, I know I miss you, I know you aren't here but you should be, but nothing hurts. I am so thankful for that.

But it can't always be that way. Today was not that way. Today I felt it. I felt your absence, and it was staggering. I'm supposed to be holding you any time now. People are supposed to be asking me, "When is that baby girl going to make her appearance?!" I'm supposed to be swollen and achy and desperate for you to come out. I am only achy and desperate. I miss you lover girl. I miss you.

E* and I are going to the Taylor Swift concert! You were supposed to be with us. We were going to make shirts and mine would say, "Littlest Taylor Swift Fan" and point to you! We were going to tell you all about how mommy had to park in the handicapped spot because you were so big and ready to be born and what was mommy thinking buying tickets to a concert when she was supposed to have a baby any day?! Silly mommy. But it would have been a good story, and I wish I could have told you it.

E* misses you. She prays that you and Gracie and "the baby we didn't know" are having fun in Heaven. And we know you are! But I'm your mommy, and I wish you were having fun here. I know how selfish that is. But I don't care. You and E* would have shared a room. You would have loved E*'s room. It is pink and beautiful and the perfect size for two little girls to grow up in, sharing toys and secrets. It's too big just for her.

J* misses you. There are times, not very often, but sometimes, when he cries for you. He has the dinosaur we bought him in the hospital gift shop when you were going to be born. He named it, "Lilysauras." Once he couldn't find it when it was time for bed. We looked everywhere. We looked for an entire hour and we could not find it. He cried and he cried and my heart broke in two. I know he was really crying because we couldn't find you. That's the only thing he has from you and he couldn't even have that. It wasn't fair. It isn't fair. We found Lilysauras in his backpack. You're still missing.

Daddy misses you. Once in awhile I can tell he's been watching your DVD late at night after we've all gone to bed. Your daddy doesn't cry. But he cries for you. What hurts him the most is how J* and E* didn't get to come to the hospital to meet you and hold you and kiss and love on you, how it wasn't the happy and hilarious day it should have been. How he didn't get to set them on the couch and teach them how to hold you and how we didn't get to watch them study your itty bitty feet and long fingers. The day you were born J* and E* came to the hospital and put stuffed animals in your empty bassinet. We have pictures of it, and they're smiling and if you didn't know any better, you would have no idea that bassinet would stay empty. That picture looks so happy, so hopeful. We wanted so much more for that day. So much more than two hours with you. So much more than an empty bassinet.

E* and J* drew you pictures to bring to the hospital before you were born. E*'s drawing was of our whole family. She had been drawing you in my belly for the past five months. The picture she brought to the hospital, you were in Heaven with Gracie. Just like that.

J*'s picture was of a dragon. Because that's just how your brother is. ;)

We have not visited your grave yet. I feel so guilty about that. Daddy and I keep talking about it, keep saying we need to go. We talk about how we should go when the weather cools down, when the kids are on break, when...

I don't know why we haven't gone. I think mostly because I know you're not there. I know where you are sweet baby, and it isn't lying in some cemetary under the ground. Please understand that it isn't because we don't think of you. There are reminders of you everywhere, not that we need them. Your pretty, miraculous little feet hang in a black and white picture above our mantle. Mommy wears a bracelet with your name on it every single day. Daddy talks about getting your footprints tattooed on him somewhere. But daddy isn't much of a tattoo guy, so I wouldn't count on that one. ;) But you my love, are in our thoughts every day. Every day.

I miss you. I want you to know that. Someday we will sit down under a tree (Does Heaven have trees? I'm sure it does! God made so many here!) and I will tell you all about how much I missed you. And you will say, "But mommy, I just saw you! I just heard your heart beating moments ago! I heard E* singing my special lullaby with her ear on your belly, and then here I was, and here you are!" And I will tell you how, oh darling baby girl, it has been years. Years and years since those moments, but they passed in a blink of an eye for you! I will tell you how so much time passed that I got old and gray and wrinkly, but I still thought of you. How I missed you. How I missed you every single birthday, because we were supposed to share it. How I missed you at E*'s wedding, because you were supposed to be the maid of honor. How I missed you when I held my grandbabies for the very first time. How my last thoughts on earth were, "I'm gonna hold my babies now!" And how when I saw you, I just knew.

I miss you baby girl. To think of the impact you had in the short time you were here, it makes me wonder what kind of impact you would have had if you had stayed. But that wasn't your purpose. God knew when He created you that your purpose was 19 weeks and 3 days. And your impact would be immeasurable.

His ways are not my ways. If I had my ways, you would be here. All of my babies would be here. That would not even be possible, but that's the way I'd have it!!! If I had my way I'd march right up to Heaven and bring you right back down where you belong, here with me. I know when I actually get to Heaven I will realize how ridiculous that sounds to you, but for now, while I miss you, I am allowed to be ridiculous I think.

I love you my sweet girl. I miss you, and I love you. And I will not let your absence be in vain. I will not grow bitter or angry, even when I have angry moments. I promise they will only be moments. I promise you that your life and death will be something I use to reach other people who are sad and angry and bitter, and who need Jesus so desperately it hurts far worse than anything I will ever feel, because in the midst of my pain, I have the Great Comforter with me. I cannot imagine what pain is like for those who don't have Him. But it hurts my heart to imagine it.

I am so happy that you never felt pain! That your existence was nothing but pure love and warmth and comfort. That you never knew of hurt or brokenness or sorrow. I have felt enough in my lifetime for the both of us, but that will not be what we talk about when we talk! We will talk of joy. Of pure, complete, heart healing joy. And you will show me all around Heaven. And you will show me that the streets really ARE made of gold! And you will tell me how Jesus has the best bedtime stories because they are real. And I will hold you. And I will not let you go for a hundred years. And I will put you down and you'll giggle, and then I will scoop you up and hold you for a hundred more.

And it won't be long enough.

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